Ed Ranks Closed Amusement Parks of Coney Island

I'm not going to lie. I was working on this blog in 2020 when I sort of stopped and gave up on it, and on the blog in general. Why did I choose to do this one back then? I dunno. The whole era of wacky amusement parks of the past seemed endearing at the time. 

Am I as "in" to the concept now as I was in 2020 when I started writing it? No. But the blog was half-written, so I might as well finish it off. 

6. Dreamland (2009) - Astroland  (see below) was all that existed of Coney Island's theme park past for many years. Then, in 2008, it finally shut down. It seemed like the end of an era. Would Coney Island really lack a theme park? "No," was the answer, as a Dreamland reboot stepped in to take over the former Astroland in 2009. It lasted a total of one summer season before the company running it was forced to close due to debt. So, yeah, that sucked. Though maybe naming yourself after a theme park that only lasted a few years was a jinx from the beginning. Just as Dreamland itself was a reboot of an old theme park, it would be replaced again by yet another reboot, a new Luna Park, on the same location where Astroland and the 2009 Dreamland stood.

5. Sea Lion Park (1895–1903) - Sea Lion Park was the first ever enclosed (e.g. they chared you an entry fee to get in) permanent amusement park in North America. I'm not saying that you would have never had your Disneylands and your Six Flags without Sea Lion Park (someone else would have come up with the idea eventually), but points for being the first to actually charge a ticket to enter a park, versus having parks be open and simply charging different fees at every ride. As you might guess, Sea Lion Park has sea lions at it, trained to do tricks and stuff.  Animals that do tricks used to be a big thing. Humans were pretty impressed by torturned and brainwashed animals living in small cages so that they could eventually be let out for a few minutes a day to perform tasks in return for sardines. ANYWAY, they also added rides, such as what is now known today as "Shoot the Chute" (a flat-bottomed boat that slides down a ramp into a pool of water and goes splash), and the "Flip Flap Railway," a famous (or infamous) looping wooden roller coaster. You might be surprised that looping roller coasters existed at the turn of the 20th century, thinking that technology wasn't there yet. Well, it wasn't. Which is why it was shut down for being unsafe. It could also only hold two passengers at a time, so it wasn't that profitable or popular. But just because Sea Lion Park was the first doesn't mean that they'd stick around forever. In 1903, Sea Lion Park went under and was replaced with Luna Park.

4. Dreamland (1904–1911) - In 1904, Coney Island was booming with tourists who craved amusement parks. Luna Park was a year old and doing well, and Steeplechase Park was still knocking it out of the... park? (meh, bad pun) after near to a decade. Was there room for three amusement parks in Coney Island? Dreamland dared to find out! With three theme parks there would be lots of competition, so everyone needed a gimmick. Dreamland attempted to be the "refined" and "classy" park with elegant architecture, as opposed to the nearby noise and ride-filled Luna Park. Highlighting the center of this "classiness" was a tall tower with a million light bulbs on it (light bulbs really impressed people still back then). Their "classy" attractions included things like the double biblical shows of "Creation" (depicting the Book of Genesis) and the "End of the World" (depicting the Book of Revelation); a model of the canals of Venice;  a Japanese tea house;  a building that resembled a classical Greek temple called "the Destruction of Pompeii" (including a cyclorama show with a staged eruption of Mt. Vesuvius); the submarine simulation "Under and Over the Sea"; and so on. Of course, it wans't all high-brow bible and educational rides. They had mini-peep shows, lion-tamers, a show featuring 300 midgets, baby incubators showing off premature born children, and the same types of rides that the other two parks had, only "bigger." For example, Luna Park inherited its Shoot the Chute from Sea Lion Park when it closed. Dreamland opened one of their own... and by "one" I mean "two, right next to each other, and taller than the one at Luna." Still, Luna Park was better managed and despite Dreamland's more impressive and "classier" fare, it struggled to succeed. And maybe it would have, if one of it's rides (Hell's Gate, another biblical-themed ride where it looked like you were descending through a whirlpool to underground caverns to hell) caught on fire in a way that seemed somewhat apropos for something called "Hell's Gate." This happened on the busy Memorial Day weekend of 1911. The entire park burned down and it was all over for classy Dreamland. It was never rebuilt, and a bunch of apartment complexes are there now. As noted above, for a hot minute there was a "new" Dreamland in 2009, but it lasted only one season. 

3. Astroland (1962–2008) - An iconic Coney Island for decades, Astroland was the sole survivor of the spirit of Coney Island's fun parks after the aging Steeplechase closed for good in 1964. As its name implied when it was opening in the middle of the US versus Russia space race... it had a "space age" theme that features things such as rockets, a "Tower to the Stars," a gyro tower, and a simulated jet trip to the moon that was a lot more scientifically accurate than the 1903 Luna Park version (see below - short story is that this version lacked moon maidens). Needless to say, as time went on these "space age" attractions of the 1960s seemed more and more like a look to the past than the future and the park seemed like an antiquated concept by the time the 90s and 2000s rolled around. The one exception was the famous Cyclone wooden roller coaster, which had staying power and such a Coney Island landmark that the first thing people think of when they think of Coney Island should be the image of the Cyclone coaster.  In 2008, time was up and Astroland went out of business. People were shocked. No more amusement parks in Coney Island? What would happen? Well. Dreamland happened but that only lasted a year. Then in 2010 the park was re-re-booted as the new Luna Park. So while Astroland is technically out of business and counts as a "closed" amusement park, for the most part the currently operating Luna Park is essentially a continuation of Astroland, and continues to feature the Cyclone, the Astrotower (though it's now unused and just a landmark feature), as well as a bunch of newer rides and attractions. 

2. Luna Park (1903–1944) - A Coney Island Park with decent staying power, and the replacement for the OG Sea Lion Park, Luna Park immediatly became a beloved attraction by snagging away the beloved "A Trip To The Moon" ride which had previously been featured at the 1901 Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo (the same event where President McKinley was assassinated... but I don't think that was part of the ride). After the exposition closed, everyone (including Coney Island rival Steeplechase Park) wanted to get the ride, and for a while Steeplechase did yet it. But Luna Park was able to snag it away and wound up with it, by having Topsy the Elephant literally drag the "airship Luna" ride feature to the new park in a plubicity stunt. What did an imagined trip to the moon look like at the turn of the century? Well, it involved being greeted by dancing moon maidens ("Selenites"), so there's that. It also involved a lot of Papier-mâché (very scientifically innacurate as we all now know that the moon is made of cheese).  Luna Park would go on to feature a number of famous attractions including the Electric Tower (like Dreamland, just a tower with a BUNCH of lights on it... hey man... lights were still pretty novel and fancy back then), the "Dragon's Gorge," a lagoon, etc. Oh yeah, and if mentioning Topsy the Elephant so closed to electricity sparks (ha!) a memory for you... yep... you're not going crazy. In another plublicity stunt, the owners of Luna Park electrocuted Topsy... for... reasons? This has become the famous urban legend about Thomas Edison wanting to prove that AC power was dangerous to try to sell his competing DC power, although that version of the story is largely inaccurate. Edison is still an idea-stealing douchebag, but that bit o story is more legend than truth. Despite being widly popular and making back the costs of being built in a few short summers, Luna Park frequently struggled with finances and by the time the 40's rolled around, its time had come to an end. It's legacy lives on though, with Coney Island's only remaining significant amusement park being re-named Luna in 2010 (although honestly it's just a rebooted/renamed Astroland), and other Luna Parks existing around the world (including a notable one in Sydney, Australia). 

1. Steeplechase Park (1897–1964) - Steeplechase might have been the second Coney Island amusement park, but it's legacy is undeniable. Just looking at the years it was around, you can see this one had staying power - operating for a whopping 67 years. Disneyland is only just hitting that age right now-ish, meaning that as far as a lasting cultural institution goes - at one time Steeplechase was "the" amusement park that we think about when we thought about amusement parks. Was it as grand as Disney? Of course not, but it certainly had some iconic features. So let's talk about it. Opened up by George C. Tilyou, it was apparently inspired by  him going on the new-fangled Ferris wheel at the Chicago World's Faire.  The namesake ride of the the park was the Steeplechase itself - a mechanical horserace on metal tracks. The place also had a  Venetian gondola-style ride, a Wild West show, scale models of the Eiffel Tower and Big Ben, as well as 50 or so other attractions. Over the years they obviously changed with the times - but some things had staying power. First of all the park's mascot had staying power - a cartoonish depiction known alternatly as "Tilly" (after Tilyou) or the "Funny Face" was the logo of the park, and is still closley associated with Coney Island or carnival-ish parks to this day. Another thing with staying power? The Steeplechase's Parachute Jump - a tower where people... yep... jumped off of parachutes from it. Sounds dangerous and wildly unsafe? YEP! IT WAS! And while people don't jump from it anymore, it has remained a Coney Island attraction for decades after the park's closing and is still there, its image closely associated with Coney Island. You can't set something in Coney Island without showing the Parachute Jump. Why that recent Zendaya movie from a few years ago prominantly featured it. What was it called? Spider-Guy or something? I don't remember. I think there were other people in it, but now I'm thinking about Zendaya. So, in conclusion... what was I talking about again? Oh right. Zendaya.

Ed Ranks Current MLB Stadium Names

It's October, so you know what that means? That's right! The Braves have choked out of the postseason!  Also, I suppose the rest of the MLB playoffs are happening too. So in commiseration with your own favorite team being kicked out of the postseason, let's stick with this baseball theme and talk about ballparks. 

Now, I shall rank the names of the ballparks of the 30 MLB Teams, because I have not ranked those yet. So I must. Because I must rank EVERYTHING.  I guess I could rank the ballparks themselves for their quality, aestetic, etc. But that sounds pretty difficult. I'd rather just make fun of their names. 

30. LoanDepot Park (Miami Marlins) - Let's be clear here. Miami is a terrible place for baseball and is the worst baseball team and the worst baseball park. The average attendance of Miami Marlins games is somewhere around 4 people. No wonder a scam company would but the rights to what used to be known as "Marlins Park," as the Marlins are a scam of  an MLB baseball team. 

29. Comerica Park (Detroit Tigers) - Speaking of lame companies, Comercia is apparently a company that exists. What is it? I have no idea and I'm not bothering to look it up. It seems like the answer to what ChatGPT would give you if you asked it to generate the most boring company name of all time. Comerica has owned the naming rights to this stadium since the late 90s and I still have never been bothered in 20+ years to care about the name of the stadium where the Tigers play.

28. American Family Field (Milwaukee Brewers) - Alphabetically first, but it comes in oh so close to last place. This baseball stadiym used to be named "Miller Park," which was cool. Because even though it's the name of a garbage beer, the concept of a beer corporation (Miller Brewing Company) buying the naming rights to a team named "Brewers" is awesome. "American Family" is an Insurance company, but it sounds more like the beginning of a rent state rant again WOKE LIBS.  As horsepissey as Miller is, beer is much cooler than insurance. Especially in terms of a baseball stadium for a team literally named BREWERS.  Now let's go on a lengthy and barely-related side story! (That's how this blog works, remember?) The first ever "World Series" happened 1884 when the Providence Grays of the National League (NL) battled the New York Metropolitans of the American Association (AA). The reason why there were two rival leagues is because the guy who ran the National League (Al Spalding... famous for the Athletic company "Nike"... no... just kidding... the company SPALDING, you gullible idiot), banned baseball games from being played on Sundays and banned alcoholic beverages from being sold in stadiums. Because of those draconian rules, the AA was established in 1882 and specifically allowed those things - Sunday baseball and booze. Because of that, the AA came to be known as the "Beer and Whiskey League." The AA eventually went out of business, but their spirit lives on. Two leagues fighting each other for the baseball championship literally exists because a rival league decided that baseball fans should get drunk at games while another league did not. What I'm getting at here is "American Family" is garbage. Long live Miller. 

27. Guaranteed Rate Field (Chicago White Sox) - This place used to be known as U.S. Cellular Field. Only it wasn't. Oh yeah, U.S. Cellular paid for the naming rights, but this place will ALWAYS be known as Comiskey Park (or NEW Comiskey Park if you want to be anal about it). 

26. Globe Life Field (Texas Rangers) - The Ballpark in Arlington opened up in the 1990s as part of the post-Camden Yards wave of new stadiums that were newm but felt old. Yet just like with the Atlanta Braves building a new stadium in the 90s and saying "screw it, now we want a NEW NEW stadium," the Texas Rangers abanoned a fairly new and modern ballpark for an even newer ballpark and got this one. Which has a terrible name for what I assume is an insurance company because like 90% of MLB parks are names after banks and insurance companies. Ugh.  

25. Truist Park (Atlanta Braves) - Speaking of Atlanta abandoning new 1990s stadiums after a handfull of years for a new new stadium, the Braves abadoned the Ted Turner-named Turner Field even though it only opened up in when I was in high school (come on, it wasn't THAT long ago!). Now we get this stadium with a VERY BORING NAME. I think this is a bank, right? Ugh. Now that I think about it my mortgage is with Truist. I have a mortgage now? I'm old. Man, maybe the 90s WERE a long time ago.

24. Progressive Field (Cleveland Guardians) - Jacobs Field was an okay field name. It's been Progressive since 2008-ish and I don't care. At least name it Flo Field or something if you want to hype your garbage insurance. 

23. PNC Park (Pittsburg Pirates) - I don't hate this park itself. This park certainly fits the Camden Yards-inspired "retro-classic" feel. But I'm ranking stadium names. And even though this stadium attempts to live up to the legacy of iconic Pittsburg Stadiums like Forbes and Three Rivers, its name is... yep.. another boring bank. Weird. It's like those guys got all the money or something. 

22. Citizens Bank Park (Philadelphia Phillies) - Two Pennsylvanias in a row, and another boring bank name. My oh my has Philly fallen from the epic Baker Bowl days where they had the "The Phillies use Lifebuoy" sign on the wall, and a vandal added, "and they still stink" to it. Classic. "Citizens Bank" is not classic at all. More like SHITizens, huh? Hrm. Maybe I should keep the swearing down less the AI Google bot blocks this blog entry too. 

21. Citi Field (New York Mets) - Citi Field will always be in the shadow of Flushing's famous Shea Stadium. But kudos to Citibank for being so arrogant about how famous they are that they can name the field "Citi" rather than "Citibank" because they think they are so notable that they can use a nickname rather than their full name. That takes some huevos. Something something John Rocker seven train. 

20. Oracle Park (San Francisco Giants) - This SF Park has been known as Pacific Bell Park, SBC Park, and AT&T Park - based on the multiple times that the phone company changed names. Given how much of our lives we now spend on our Smart Phones, you'd think phone companies would still be in a position to dominate. But NOPE! This one now belongs to Oracle, which is some "technology" company that does... uhh... technology stuff? Flying cars? Sex robots? Nope. It's never the tech that anyone actually wants. 

19. T-Mobile Park (Seattle Mariners) - We all remember that the Kingdome was a crap stadium that was falling apart and killing fans. Everyone knew it needed to be replaced. What was it replaced with? Safeco Field. Only Safeco Field is now known as T-Mobile Park. Okay. Whatever. So I guess stadiums ARE still named after phone companies. Only they are names after boring ones. No wait. is T-Mobile the one that uses Ben Barnes in their commercials? So dreamy. I love you, Prince Caspian. 

18. Rogers Centre (Toronto Blue Jays) - This is the SkyDome. You can call it whatever you want, but everyone knows this is the SkyDome. It was pretty cutting edge in the 80s, but then again so was "Who's the Boss?" After Camden opened up a few years later, it already seemed like an outdated concrete behemouth. 

17. Chase Field (Arizona Diamondbacks) - Another bank, but at least "chasing" people sounds like a cool thing where you run down a guy who tried to steal a base and got caught. Let's just pretend it's named after the verb and not a bank. You can't chase Rickey Henderson though. You have no chance of catching him.

16. Great American Ball Park (Cincinatti Reds) - While "American Family Field" isn't too different than "Great American," at least this name makes me think of GREAT AMERICAN things like apple pie, gun violence, and... well... baseball! It feels like a nostalgic name for the ye olde times of baseball without being too much branding in your face like a Kirk Cameron movie with that "family" nonsense. It's no Crossley Field or Riverfront, but it's not a terrible name. That's why it's here in the middle of the pack at 16.

15. Kauffman Stadium (Kansas City Royals) - In a ranking of 30 teams, Kauffman Stadium belongs in the exact middle at 30. It's not named after a company - instead it's named after the first owner of the Royals: Ewing Kauffman. And it's been named that FOREVER. The naming rights haven't been sold. Why? Probably because the Royals are so boring and mid that they can can't get anyone to buy naming rights. Still, back in the old days stadiums were named after owners like Comesky and Connie Mack, so this sort of feels refreshing and classic, even if boring. Hey... do they still have that waterfall feature here? I honestly haven't watched a Royals game in like two decades. 

14. Nationals Park (Washington Nationals) - Similar to Kaufmann, I feel like Nationals Park retains is name not due to a dislike of selling out to a company, but more due to not being to get a sweet enough corporation contract to get stadium naming rights. Which is strange. The Nationals won a World Series in 2019. You'd figure SOMEONE would pay stadium naming rights after that. I guess not. It is in Washintgon DC... soooo... Defense contractor? Call me, Lockheed. I have some notes. 

13. Minute Maid Park (Houston Astros) - The Astros should just embrace it and rename this place "Rubbermaid Field." You know, because the trash cans. *ahem* Anyway, the Astros used to have a stadium named after them (AstroDome) and a type of fake grass named after them (Astro Turf). Now they play in a stadium which is the SECOND stadium named after an Orange Juice company. You know, ever since that whole Enron scandal thing ended this being Enron Field. Speaking of which... 

12. Tropicana Field (Tampa Bay Rays) - ...Just because you're the FIRST team who gets a stadium named after orage juice doesn't mean you're that much better than the second one. 

11. Petco Park (San Diego Padres) - I guess naming a ballpark afeter this second rate pet score is okay. That's right, I'm team Petsmart! 

10. Angel Stadium (Los Angeles Angels) - Sort of like Nationals Park, this "the stadium is named after the team" feels less like a choiced to avoid capitalism and more like a "we're not a good enough team for a company to pay money for stadium naming rights. If you can't make a good enough team with Mike Trout AND Shohei Ohtani then it's definately a YOU problem, Angels. I guess this park has had this boring name for much longer than the Nats, so that's worth a few places in the rankings. 

9. Target Field (Minnesota Twins) - Another company name, but at least they can put a "target" on a wall for people to hit, right? I assume they must have that gimmick there. And Target is actually closely associated with Minnesota, so I can associated this branding with the Twins. Target is the second most famous thing from the state after Prince. 

8. Yankee Stadium (New York Yankees) - At this point, the place where the Yankees play will ALWAYS be Yankee Stadium. They could never sell naming rights. They can demolish and build a new stadium, and it will always be called Yankees Stadium. This is sort of boring, but also sort of endearing. Anyway, Yankees suck! 

7. Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum (Oakland Athletics) - Honestly, not a great name, but you got to respect it by this point. Unlike other teams that you'd assume couldn't sell stadium rights, the Althetics are a team that has one of the deepest legacies in baseball history going back to Philadelphia. This is the team of Connie Mack, Jimmy Foxx, Mark McGwire before the roids, and Rickey Henderson. Congrats for them keeping this boring stadium name to harkens back to the mid-20th century era when they moved out to Oakland. I guess this will all be a moot point when they move to Las Vegas, huh? So it goes. 

6. Coors Field (Colorado Rockies) - Named your stadium after a beer company? Per previous discussion at #28: That works for me. Also, per #9... closely associated with the state. Good job, Rockies. Now try to make your team less bad. 

5. Dodger Stadium (Los Angeles Dodgers) - Is naming your stadium after your team boring? If you're a bad team, sure. But this is THE DODGERS we're talking about. If any team gets to be like the Yankees and say "we are too famous of a team for any company name to be more famous than our own name," then the Dodgers are that team. 

4. Busch Stadium (St. Louis Cardinals) - Another stadium named after a beer company, and again it at least has historic ties as a local company and goes back. A pat on the back to the Cardinals for this. Busch and Bud beer might be garbage, but I respect keeping this stadium name. 

3. Fenway Park (Boston Red Sox) - This baseball park has had this name for over 100 years and there is some dispute over whether it's named after the neighborgood its in, or a realty company that was connected to the owner. Either way, this name has had staying power. This park is a national landmark. It should honestly be designated by the federal government as such.

2. Oriole Park at Camden Yards (Baltimore Orioles) - Camden Yards is such an amazing stadium concept and stadium name. It ushered in the era of retro-classic stadiums, and yet all of the other retro-classics that came after it feel like a pale imitation to its greatness. It's not named after a company - but a concept. The concept of a ye olde part of Baltimore that had antiquated warehouses and rail facilities from 100 years before. Then they encorporated those into the stadium. It's nice. How nice? #2 nice. 

1. Wrigley Field (Chicago Cubs) - How can you question a classic? Yes, Fenway might be slightly older than Wrigley, but we're ranking NAMES here. And Wrigley is obviously accociated with gum. And gum is associated with coming in packs of baseball cards. And baseball cards are associated with... well.... baseball. Moreso than the ivy-covered walls of Wrigley being a historic baseball site, it's just a great name that feels like it should be the name of a baseball stadium from the days or yore. Which, you know, it actually is.

Ed Ranks... RETURNS!

Hey, it's been a while. August 2020 was the last time that this place was regularly updated, though there have been sporatic posts since then (small enough that I could count them and simply say the number, but I'm too lazy).

Anyway, because time has moved on and more years have happened, more things have also happened. And more things means more things to RANK, because I rank EVERY THING and I was legally required to do so by starting up a Blogger site called "Ed Ranks Everything."

Apparently I was also legally required to obey some set of content rules as well, and then Google ran some new stupid AI in the last few years while I was away that flagged / threw warnings / hid a number of my past posts. I figured it must have been for swearing too much. I do love swearing. But then I was reading through a couple of the flagged "inappropriate" posts and they weren't particularly loaded with f-bombs. I mean I dropped an f-bomb in the Ranking of 2020 XFL team names but I mean the names of the teams were so stupid that the swear word was totally appropriate. And compared to some other posts... I mean... I dunno. Was it a copywrite issue? Did The Rock not want me using his league logo? I was simply hotlinking public domain images from Wikipedia.  Another post where I was ranking things worse than the "Cats" movie was also flagged. That one I made a Jamal Khashoggi reference. I guess that's a fairly graphic and horrific incident - but Google can't blame me for that. Google needs to blame Saudi Arabia for that. Or is Google getting paid by Saudi Arabia? You know, it probably is.

Anyway. 

I'm back soon and I promise I won't say anything else to offend the delicate sensitivies of either a stupid AI that just looks for word combinations to be offened by, or of any Saudi bone saw experts (apparently a key Blogger demographic). 

Ed Ranks Songs on Toys in the Attic

I previously ranked Aerosmith albums in general. 

Now I will specifically rank Aerosmith's songs on the album "Toys in the Attic." 

Why? 

I dunno. I just haven't written one of these in a while. And "No More No More" came on the radio the other day and I thought to myself, "Hrm Ed, they NEVER play this on the radio." 

9. Uncle Salty: The story of a gross man named "Uncle Salty" (his name is Uncle Salty, so he's obviously gross) telling the singer of the song a story about a young orphan girl who became a prostitute and turns 3-penny tricks for sailors and cries at night. Wow. Depressing. 

8. Round and Round: Weird and funky, but also super over-produced with sound effects. Pass. 

7. Adam's Apple: Decent song with some cool rhymes and good wordplay. I mean right from the beginning we start with "Back when Cain was able." Still, a bunch of weird bible analogies in a song that I'm sure was all about sex. Aren't all Aerosmith songs about sex? 

6. You See Me Crying: I know, ranking this above some of the others DOES seem like a crime, doesn't it? If anything, this isn't a funky, groovy 70's Aerosmith song... it's more like a slow, piano-ey 70's Meatloaf song (I'd say RIP Meatloaf, but he was an antivaxer "independent thinker" in the end, so whatever).  However, I think it sort of was ahead of its time in that it almost acts like a prelude to the hair metal ballads that would come a decade later. I dunno. Personal opinion. You'll just have to live with this ranking. 

5. No More No More: Solid song. Hearing it, and thinking it was a weird song that didn't get much radio play, is what inspired the list. I thought to myself "Why play this? It's only like the 5th best song on the album." That initial thought was correct, as I am indeed ranking it at #5. No offense to this song though. The only reason I rank this song here in the middle is because the top 4 are real bangers. That's a term people use, right? Bangers? 

4. Big 10-Inch Record: I understand, and accept, that this song is stupid and juvenile. I recognize that it does not have the skill, technique and mastery of some of the songs above it. It's a cheesy dick joke song, in the category of AC/DC's Big Balls and Van Halen's Ice Cream Man. These songs aren't double entedres. They are basically single entendres. To those criticisms... I still say that 10-year-old me loves the stupidity of these types of songs.

3. Toys in the Attic: The eponymous song that named the record is the third best song on the album. On most band's albums, this type of song would and could easily be a top hit. But on this album, with who legendary songs, it never had a chance to shine like it could have. 

2. Walk this Way: When I was growing up, this would have probably been listed as Ed's #1 song of the album. I mean the drum beat itself is probably one of the most iconic in rock history. It's probably just a notch or two below the drum beat from Queen's "We Will Rock You" drum beat. But I was a child of the 80's, so when I'm thinking of Walk This Way, I'm really unduly influencing my opinion of it with the cover / remake of it from Run-DMC’s 1986 Raising Hell. That version blew up Walk This Way into something bigger than it had ever been before and made the beat as legendary as it became. If we're just talking about the 1975 Toys in the Attic album version itself... yeah... maybe it's just #2 on the album. 

1. Sweet Emotion: Great song. Often thought of as Aerosmith's "signature song." Debatable, but okay. It's up there, for sure. That statement might be correct. They obviously knew how good it was from the beginning because it was their first single from the album. And when it got huge, "Dream On" from their first album (now a few years old) even hit the charts again. This song was before the MTV video era, so Aerosmith re-released it again in 1991 with a music video and it charted yet again.  Not bad for a little diddy that was written mostly about Steven Tyler hating the shit out of Joe Perry's wife. 

Ed Ranks X-Men (TV series) Villains, Part 2

Remember when I ranked X-Men (TV show) villains three days ago? 

Well, this is Part 2, featuring the more memorable and better villains. Though honestly, some of them still sort of suck.

20. The Morlocks - Eyepatch girl Callisto (not to be confused with the MUCH BETTER Callisto at DC Comics) and her association of sewer freaks including Leech were pretty "meh" and boring villains in this show. It's sort of awesome that Storm comes up and basically kicks their asses and declares that she's the leader of them - only to never show up again for like 4 seasons when she's like "Oh yeah, I'm you're leader." If you want childhood cartoon nostalgia with mutants in the sewers, the Morlocks are not should be your first choice of who to turn to.

See how cool he looks here? Well, he didn't look like this in the show.

19. Silver Samurai - You'd think the awesome villain Silver Samurai would be used in a plot that was more than just "local biker gang shaking down rural Japanese laborers for small amounts of money," but that's all you get from this episode. Cool villain... but not in this show where he's bascially an A-Team episode villain. You didn't need to bring in a mutant with adamantium claws to defeat him. Mr. T and Howling Mad Murdock could have probably done it.

18. Arkon - Space He-Man who too-easily convinces Storm to marry him, and Storm is for some reason extremely stupid and unobservant about the fact that this idiot is evil and raids other planets for slaves. So stupid that it takes a two-part episode for the X-Men to help her realize that she's a strong, independent Black woman and she don't need no man.

17. Shadow King -  Shadow King appears twice in the show, most notably in the "Storm goes to Africa" episode (that's not the name of it, but there is clearly just one "Storm goes to Africa" episode, so if you remember this show, you know what I mean). He's depicted completely different in the show than he is in the comics, but I guess he's okay here. Just okay. Villain of the week who takes over Storm and uses her powers. Some backstory with Xavier banishing him. Cool beans.

16. Nimrod - Nimrod is not being ranked as part of the Sentinels (even though Master Mold is) because Nimrod is lame. Nimrod looks stupid. He looks like a bad, stiff 80's toy that had no flexibility or joints that could be moved. Nimrod is boring as hell. Sorry to the one Nimrod fan out there.

15. Omega Red - Another character sort of suddenly introduced, and then we don't get backstory until later, with Wolverine flashbacks fighting him back in the day. All his appearances in this show scream out early/mid 90's, from that vague era in history where all the villains were ex-Soviets who were sad that their empire died... but were always balanced with "good Russians" to show that they're not all bad. In the case of Omega Red, we almost always get Colossus in his episodes as a counterpoint. If I can be honest, let's just all admit that Omega Red is shitty in every iteration. Comics, cartoon, whatever.

14. Bolivar Trask - The famed Sentinel-creating villain whose robotic servants cause havoc on the X-Men. Oddly, he's featured less prominently in this show than his douchey assistant, Gyrich, is featured. Although he and the creation of the Sentinels is very important for the first few episodes of the show, Trask basically vanishes for the rest of the series (save for a few Season 4 appearances where he, again, features less than Gryich).

13. The Inner Circle - Because a Saturday morning children's cartoon was too afraid to use the term "Hellfire Club" with "hell" in it, they're called The Inner Circle, which is honestly a perfectly fine name for them too. They are  Sebastian Shaw, Jason Wyngarde, Emma Frost, Donald Pierce, and Harry Leland. And honestly, I couldn't really some of the boring white guy villains apart in this episode. Which one has the mind control? Which one is the pirate? Which one is Thomas Jefferson? After a while I stopped caring

Ah, becoming a robot FOR REVENGE!

12. Lady Deathstrike (and the Reavers) - The number of "villains from Wolverine's past" in this show are very high, and in this case, Lady Deathstrike is also an ex-girlfriend. Here, she joined the Reavers and became a cyborg in order to avenge the death of her father Professor Oyama who she believed was killed during Logan's rampage at the Weapon X headquarters. Of course, in the end it winds up that Logan was actually blameless or something like that. Well, I suppose that works out in the end!

11. Sauron - FUCK YEAH! Dinosaur villains are awesome. The Season 2 "Savage Land" story arc, which was basically a single episode that they cut into a bunch of pieces and then tacked on to other episodes, slow-rolled out the appearance of this villain witha name that is stolen from another much better villain with the same name. But whatever. DINOSAUR. In this version he's created by Mister Sinister's experiments. So that's something I guess.

10. The Juggernaut - Yes, we all know that the "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!" dub was a funny meme when we were all younger and were more easily amused by internet videos when there were only four of them. But I'm not ranking The Juggernaut because of the meme, I'm ranking how he appears in these episodes. Quite honestly, he's just okay and the whole "Professor X's brother" thing was never handled that well. But then again, the Juggernaut episodes were also some of the episodes that Disney+ ran completely out of order, so that might have hurt how effective the story of Juggernaut was in the show. I know there was an episode clearly set right after he's initially defeated, but it aired like 2 seasons after it was written.

9. Dark Phoenix - Jean Gray comes back alive and turns evil as Dark Phoenix. One of the most iconic plots ever, right? I guess in the comics, but every single adaption had trouble pulling it off. In the cartoon they certainly did it better than the movies, but still... the "Inner Circle" story here left me unsatisfied. Dark Phoenix adaptions are doomed for failure.

I mean a tad flamboyant.

8.  Mister Sinister - Another villain who I remember being GREAT in childhood, but when I watched him again it was sort of a big "meh" and didn’t live up to the memory of him being as super cool as I thought he was. Oddly enough, the only Mister Sinister episode that I really liked and stuck with me was the 19th century flashback / origin episode with Xavier's beardy great granddad or whatever. That was a good episode. The rest though? Didn't do much for me on the re-watch.

7. Henry Peter Gyrich - A douchebag who works with/for the "Mutant Control Agency" (at first) and is generally just an anti-mutant douchenozzle after that. Honestly, I had forgotten that he and Graydon Creed were different characters... because they basically play the same role in this show. He should have played second fiddle to more important anti-mutant characters like Bolivar Trask, but for some reason he was actually featured more prominently in this cartoon than his boss, Trask, was. Gryich, who is typically totally unmemorable in comics and film, actually has his moment in the spotlight during this show.

6. Graydon Creed / Friends of Humanity - Guy who hates Mutants and leads the Friends of Humanity, which is a protesting hate group that stands around, usually holding signs and hating minorities. So basically they're Republicans. HA! SUCK IT! This counts as social commentary. Seriously, re-watching this show following the 2020 election and in the wake of Trump idiots storming the Capitol was oddly scary and made me go, "yeah, these villains actually exist." As I note when talking about Gyrich, my memory from childhood actually conflated Creed and Gyrich as the same character/villain and only through re-watching did I remember that they were different bland white guys who hated mutants. Of the two, Creed is more interesting in the end beause the eventual "Creed hates mutants because he IS a mutant" plot twist where he is the son of Sabretooth and Mystique. Mystique is everyone's mom on this show.

5. Mystique - Remember how awesome Mystique was in this show? Well, that memory is MOSTLY NOSTALGIA because she's in this show a lot less than you’d think. She's introduced suddenly and without much explanation at first, then we go huge chunks of time without seeing her again before we're presented with some "she's Rogue's mommy" stories that don't make much sense in context of what's shown on the screen. Really, you have to know about and have already read the comics to really understand what's going on with her in this show. Then skip a few more seasons ahead to late in the series and she becomes super annoyingly Christian Nightcrawler's mom too. Oh, and Graydon Creed's mom. By the end of the show, I think she was everyone's mom. She's okay, but under-utilized. Other than for random mommy issue twists.

4. Sabretooth - Yeah, Sabretooth is pretty good in this show, and frequently shows up as Wolverine's arch enemy. He might even show up more than Magneto. As was somewhat common with this show, Sabretooth is introduced cold without any origin story and we're just supposed to pretend like we know all about him and his history. Fortunately, as the show goes on, we learn more and more stuff about him which provides depth to his character. He even becomes somewhat relatable-to at times.

Just trying to make Sentinel babies from his toilet

3. The Sentinels (including Master Mold) - The Sentinels are great villains and a great way to start off the show as the first villains. This show didn't kid around with filler episodes much in the beginning, and dove straight into amazing comic plotlines like Days of Future Past early in its run. I could hypothetically break out Master Mold (the Sentinel Mommy that pops out Sentinels from its Robo-Vagina) from other Sentinels and rank him by himself... but why bother? He's more like "Boss Sentinel" anyway, when he turns on Trask and others. Sentinels are great. Yay Sentinels.

2. Magneto - Look, Magneto was straight up badass amazing on this show. The voice actor who did his lines, the late great David Hemblen, was freaking AMAZING. He did such a great job that most of my memories of this show were of the awesome Magneto episodes. Re-watching it again, there were far less Magneto episodes than I remembered. In fact, there are tons of stretches of time where there is no Magneto at all. While some other characters were oddly over-featured in the show, Magneto was definitely under-featured for essentially being THE X-Men villain. There are also a few episodes late in the show where Magneto is clearly voiced by a different voice actor and it's totally fucking weird to watch those episodes with the wrong voice. Pretty much every episode Magneto is in, he plays at least a somewhat sympathetic role where he's not outright villainous and simply has a different and more aggressive way of countering human racism than Professor X does.

1. Apocalypse

Time to purge the world of the corrupt and weak. LORD LIVE THE ETERNAL ONE!

Apocalypse was GREAT in this show, and this is clearly the most iconic version of Apocalypse that ever existed. Like with the amazing voice actor who played Magneto, much of Apocalypse's awesomeness was just the amazing voice skills of John Fucking Colicos (Count Baltar in Battlestar Galactica, Kor in DS9, Mikkos Cassadine in General Hospital, etc). His episodes were great, all his time travel stuff was great. And you know what? I'm gonna go ahead and rank him ahead of Magneto. And this has nothing to do with Oscar Isaac playing him later, which I figured I'd just mention because Oscar Isaac. The series also was supposed to originally end with an "Apocalypse being finally defeated" episode, until they decided to add on another season. That just further shows that he was THE villain of the show. Right?

Ed Ranks X-Men (TV series) Villains, Part 1

Are you feeling nostalgia yet?

I started writing this one AGES ago and then got angry because I lost a bunch of it and didn’t want to rewrite it.

Anyway, long story short: a few months ago I got a year of “free” Disney+… “free” being a very relative term considering how much I’m paying Verizon a month in cable bills to get this “free” service for a year. WHATEVER besides the point.

Some people would use access to the vast catalogue of Disney+ to watch Star Wars, Marvel Cinematic Universe movies, classic Disney films, and all that other crap? Me. NOPE. Straight to the 1990s “X-Men” Cartoon.

Some TV shows, when watched decades later, don’t stand the test of time. This one ABSOLUTELY DID and is still so good.

Anyway, by my count there are 42ish “villains” (or “antagonists” really, as my list features some people who are good or neutral characters in other episodes that for some reason or another are antagonists or opposing the X-Men here).  None of this reflects the continuity outside of the TV show or how cool the characters are in the comics or movies. This is 100% based on this awesome 90’s cartoon.

With 42 of them, you can bet your ass I’m going to break this into two parts.

So here are 42 through 21 – e.g. the suckier villains. 

42. Mojo - Mojo fucking sucks. I couldn't watch these episodes at all. I started watching the first one and got through about 3 minutes of it before I skipped it. Then there wound up being a second episode. Skipped that shit too.

Nobody likes you Morph, but at least you're not Mojo.

41. Morph - Morph was a lame character who I'm glad instantly died at the beginning of the show, and I am sad that they actually brought him back later (both as a villain, and as a man seeking redemption). There is no reason to have Morph villein episodes. Any Morph episode would have been better as a Mystique episode, who had the same shapeshifting power but wasn't a giggling, unlikable twat.

40. D'Ken - the Phoenix Saga had, like, 37 villains introduced in it. D'Ken was another one of those villains. I don’t care.

39. Trevor Fitzroy and Bantam - Turncoat mutants who work for Master Mold / The Sentinels and want to travel back in time and kill professor X. Honestly leads to an AWESOME two part episode with an alternate reality that included a married version of Wolverine and Storm. More time travel. More Bishop and Shard. More Magneto. Good episode. But Fitzroy and Bantam themselves? They were just sucky lackeys.

Mediocrity!

38. Children of the Shadow - A mutants-only anti-human cult that operate out of a small western down out in the desert. Cyclops is looking for his missing friend and needs to investigate them. Whatever. They are like the bizzaro opposite version of the Friends of Humanity. A FOH vs COS fight would have been epic, but it never happened. Just this filler Cyclops episode.

37. High Evolutionary - If you think you remember High Evolutionary from this cartoon, you're probably just remembering the version of him that was on the Spider-Man series, not this one. On this show, he features in one episode that's barely memorable and the only memorable parts are the parts with Magneto. This might have been one of the episodes where Magneto had the wrong voice too. anyway, he's forgettable from a forgettable episode.

36. Bella Donna & X-Ternal - These two were used in a Gambit backstory episode where his former fiance tricks him to going back to bayou country because his brother is kidnapped and also because she wants to force him to marry her. There we learn all about strange fucking redneck bayou cults. Okay. I'm glad we only had to put up with these characters in one episode and then basically never mention them again.

35. Cameron Hodge - Ultra-forgettable Cameron Hodge first shows up as Beast's lawywer before becoming a villainous servant of the anti-mutant, pro-slavery government of Genosha. After that, he straight up vanishes for four seasons before reappearing after you forgot who he was. When he shows up again, he is basically a half-robot who has betrayed mankind to work for the Phalanx. It would have been more effective if there weren't four years of episodes between his appearances though, so I wasn't like "Dafuq is this guy again?"

34. Gladiator - I guess Gladiator counts as a sometimes villain (or at least "antagonist") in this show too, after initially being portrayed as a good guy.

33. Alpha Flight - One of another set of "Wolverine Backstory" villains, though technicaly a Canadian superhero team. But since this is an AMERICAN SHOW WITH BALD EAGLES AND FREEDOM, you just know that the Canadian heroes are therefore DEVIOUS VILLAINS. Or, you know, misguided or something. Anyway, Alpha Flight as villains totally suck, but at least these episodes are good in that they serve to help the viewer learn about Wolverine's past, Dr. Cornelius' adamantium injections, "Weapon X", and all that great shit.

32. Iceman & X-Factor - Another "flashback"-ey episode where we learn that there was a guy called "Iceman" who was an "original" X-Man before he left because daddy issues with Xavier. He and the X-Factor team are introduced as antagonists, only for them to redeem themselves and not be evil after all. Which happened a million times on this show by the time this episode aired.

31. Erik the Red (and Black Tom Cassidy) - If Daredevil wore red S&M bondage gear with an exposed midriff, he would just be Erik the Red. Honestly, this crap Shi'ar villain who sort of introduces us to the space characters that we'll be meeting as part of the upcoming Phoenix Saga is mostly forgettable. His biggest claim to fame is, yes, being prominently featured in the infamous Juggernaut fan dub. I'll just include Black Tom Cassidy as a sub-villain here too, underserving of his own ranking, because he's just a dude hired by Erik.

30. Red Skull - Yep, there was a Wolverine flashback episode where he was with Captain America, fighting the Red Skull in WWII. Did you forget that? Because I did.

29. Zebediah Killgrave - The Purple Man shows up in another episode that was run completely out of order. It aired in Season 5, but is clearly set after Jean Grey dies at the end of the Phoenix Saga but before she returns to life. So when you watch that episode you're like "wait... did she die AGAIN?" No. They just can't run episodes in order. Anyway. Killgrave. Pretty not memorable. I just wanted him to be David Tenant and he wasn't.

28. Lilandra - Lilandra is mostly in the show to be an ally and Dr. X's space girlfriend, but also when Jean turns into Dark Phoenix, Lilandra thinks it's a pretty good idea to kill her (because it honestly is a pretty good idea to kill her), and thus she's temporarily an antagonist in the show too for, like, two episodes or something. Not a bad character, just a bad Antagonist because it’s not like we believed she was really going to kill Phoenix or anything.

27. The Starjammers – Like Lilandra, they're not "villains" in the show, per-se, but they are introduced in The Phoenix Saga, Part IV as antagonists, led by Corsair. After their initial appearance, they'll eventually show up again, but mainly just so Corsair can reveal that he's Scott Summers' daddy.  This show wound up having a HUGE number of parent reveal episodes. It's like an episode of Maury.

26. The Colony - A version of the Brood from the comics that is changed up A LOT and here they want to make Rogue their queen. They appear once, and I barely remember the episode. Space insects. Whatever. After a while, every villain just started being from space.

Totally stone Megatron, right?

25. Garokk - Garokk is a rock which looks vaguely like Megatron's face. He is an evil rock. Yep. Evil rock. We worked with the evil sorceress Zaladane (unranked here, so just consider her as a Garokk sub-villain) and Sauron. That's about all I have to say about rocky.

24. The Phalanx - In the comics there were actually two separate (but related) robo-alien species that went around trying to conquer/assimilate other species - the Phalanx and the Technarchy. The cartoon streamlined the two into just The Phalanx, which was a good call. Still, by the time they show up in season 5 with their ability to change shape to impersonate other people we've already had 400 other "shapeshifter" plotlines and 400 other alien invasion plotlines.

23. Cortez - When Magneto makes a space colony so that the mutants can live in peace in space, of course this douchebag Fabian Cortez messes things up so Magneto can't have nice things. I guess Cortez is an effective villain because I hate him a lot. But I also hate him a lot because he's a shitty and underdeveloped character who was a dickhole for no reason. Eventually he winds up as Apocolypse's bitch.

22. Avalanche, Pyro, and Blob - Look, these "Brotherhood of Evil Mutants" D-lister villains don't deserve separate entries, and basically they should all be lumped together. They're not even, like, real villains on their own. They're idiot henchmen basically.

21. Proteus - Professor X's earth girlfriend, Moira MacTaggert (not to be confused with his space girlfriend, Lilandra... this dude was a multi-girlfriend mac daddy) always had a "weird" relationship with X, and one of the reasons why was because she had a secret son, Proteus, who was a giant fuckup who was locked up on Muir Island for his whole life. He escapes to go try to find his father, who is also a giant fuckup and shitty Scottish "family values" politician who doesn't practice what he preaches because he abandoned his fuckup son. Professor X is able to eventually defeat him with his amazing power to calm down the angsty teenager children of his girlfriends. Yep, that is another Professor power.

Next time? THE TOP 20!

Ed Ranks the Worst 2020 Shit that had Nothing to Do with COVID-19

Technically Australia, but symbolically the entire world.

Hey, remember this blog? Yeah. I stopped updating it a while ago. But don't worry... I didn't die of COVID! I just got super lazy! But now I'm back, and maybe I'll post more often than once every four months.

Oh, and speaking of COVID -- or NOT speaking of COVID -- 2020 was a shithole of a year. Now that it's 2021, let's look back on the top 8 things that happened in 2020 that were ALSO complete shit, and had nothing to do with the biggest piece of shit of 2020. 

8. Megxit

I mean, this one wasn't that bad unless you're the type of person who really gets emotional about drama related to the British Royal Family. Which appears to be most people, based on the ratings of The Crown. But whatever, this wasn't that bad. That hot mixed chick from Suits didn't divorce Prince Harry, but she and Prince Harry divorced their family. Whatever. Last place. Not that terrible. Life will go on. The concept of monarchy and royal families is pretty much on the way out anyway and it's time to put the nails in the coffin.

7. Beirut Blew Up 

Remember that? Yeah. A substantial part of a city blew up because a large number of government bureaucrats disregarded repeated warnings from officials that maybe having a shitload of Ammonium Nitrated from seized Russian cargo vessel sitting around in a warehouse in the Middle East was perhaps a bad idea. But then again... who had ever heard of Ammonium Nitrate ever blowing up before other than people who paid attention to EVERY SINGLE STORY ABOUT IEDs FOR THE LAST THREE DECADES?

6. World War III... Almost

Remember how the United States and Iran almost started a World War in January? Ah, those were such simpler times! 

5. All the Koalas were on Fire

Yeah, this one was pretty terrible too.

4. RBG, Chadwick Bosman, Alex Trebek, Eddie Van Halen, Sean Connery, Kobe, Terry Jones, Little Richard, Ian Holm, Dianna Rigg, That Guy who Played "Squiggy" on Laverne and Shirley, My Cat Squiggy, etc. etc. etc.

James Bond, Pussy Galore, and Tracy Bond...
all the same year? Fuck.

Look, everyone who was ever born will also one day die. Everyone dies. So people, including famous people, dying... is inevitable. And despite all the people who died of COVID, a lot of big names also died in 2020 of things that had nothing to do with COVID. Still, even ignoring COVID, it seems like 2020's death toll was especially more gruesome than other years. Fucking hell man. That "in memorium" thing they run during awards shows would probably last 2 1/2 hours itself if they named everyone. 

3. POTUS Not Kicked Out of Office

For only the third time in US history, the President of the United States was impeached. Alas, also for the third time in history the impeachment failed and POTUS wasn't kicked out of office. Lame. Still, he lost the election eventually anyway, so fuck that guy and I hope he dies in prison.

2. Murder Hornets

Murder Hornets. Need I say more? 

1. Cops Keep Murdering Black People for No Fucking Reason

Although technically this could also be on the "worst shit that happened" lists for 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016... etc. to whenever the concept of police forces was invented.