Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Ed Ranks Fictional Countries in DC Comics

Paying attention in political science class and learning about other countries is hard. Also, you don't want to piss off other real countries by having villainous characters live or rule there. Perhaps it's best just to make up random countries for your comic book stories, eh?

13. Pokolistan - Depicted as a former Soviet Republic ruled by General Zod. Ugh, really? Did DC comics need yet ANOTHER old communisty fictional country added to their line up of fake countries? Surely the writers could have bothered to find one of the other twelve existing fake countries below and used one of those. It also has a REALLY stupid name, in case you couldn't tell.

Seen nowhere in Thalarion.
12. Thalarion - Stolen from Lovecraft and then made to be part of the Wonder Women continuity by being an island of bizarro male warriors. Lazy. Was there not some other actual Greek source to borrow from? And if you're going to steal from Lovecraft, then this island better have some unknown dark force of the old ones living on it. Or under it in the depths of the sea. And it better be described using a lot of unnecessary and creepy-sounding adjectives like "edritch."

11. Corto Maltese - A banana republic off the coast of South America, Corto Maltese represents all of Frank Miller's intensely right wing depictions of filthy commie brown people that we have come to know from anything done by Frank Miller (300, anyone?). So Miller of course sends Superman there (by order of the President) to beat those dirty commies because 'MURICA.

10. Markovia - Markovia is a small Eastern European country ruled by the Markov family. Which is stupid. That would be like if America was named after its ruler Tom Americ or if France was named after Pierre Le France. In the end, Markovia is just a stupid version of Marvel's Latveria, minus having any cool guy like Doctor Doom associated with it.

9. Vlatava - Vlatava is  the largest river in the Czech Republic, but it's name was borrowed to become a country connected to Count Vertigo and The Spectre. But these characters are boring and nobody cares about them. You know how Marvel is digging deep to pull out characters that most people aren't familiar with like the Guardians of the Galaxy? Well yeah... DC would have to dig REALLY deep and be hella desperate before they ever got around to these lame-os.

8. Qurac - A middle eastern country and "State sponsor of terrorism" that is clearly not Iraq, despite the fact that a whole lot of storylines about it appeared in comics around 2003ish. No, clearly not Iraq. Clearly. Not. Iraq. Clearly.

A comic zero people want to read.
7. Atlantis - Is this even technically a country? It's been interpreted in the comics as a lost "city" or even a lost "continent." At any rate, at various times Aquaman has been considered the "king" of it and stuff like that, and I suppose a king technically is in charge of what we'd call a nation-state. So let's go ahead and call this a country. A country run by a loser who talks to fish. Yeah, I know DC comics has done everything it can over the last two plus decades to try to reinterpret Aquaman as badass. I'm not falling for it though. This is the fish guy. And what kind of lazy writer just borrows from old Greek legends?

6. Themyscira - Oh. Uhm. The "country" (I suppose?) that Wonder Woman is from. This place is chock full of stuff stolen from Greek myth. I suppose if Atlantis is a country then this is a country too. It's a better country than Atlantis though, since it's full of a bunch of women who just spend all their time fighting.

5. Kahndaq - In DC comics, the Sinai Peninsula is its own country called Kahndaq and that's where Black Adam is from. It used to be some sort of ancient Egyptian empire or something, and the ancient wizard Shazam entombed Adam there for several millennia until he broke out and took the throne again. Or something like that. Whatever.

4. Santa Prisca - A Caribbean island which is the birthplace of Bane. What, you don't think Tom Hardy looked like a Caribbean native in The Dark Knight Rises?  Clearly he's Caribbean! Didn't you notice Tom Hardy's perfect Santa Priscian accent? That's right... everyone in Santa Prisca speaks in indiscernible sing-song mumbles.

The n.W.o. black and red of countries.
3. Kasnia - It's hard enough keeping track of all those Balkan countries as it is. Why do we need even more fictional Balkan countries? Still, Kasnia is awesome because it comes from Superman: The Animated Series, which is awesome and the entire DC Animated Universe is awesome. It appears later in Justice League and Batman Beyond. It even shows up in CW's Arrow. Hell yeah! Plus its black and red flag is pretty dapper.

2. Bialya - Hrm, this country seems to have a strangely similar spelling to "Libya" and its dictator, Col. Rumaan Harjavti, seems to have a strangely similar name to "Col. Muammar Gaddafi." Odd how that all coincidentally happened in the Justice League International comics that were launched in 1987. Very odd indeed. Still, more subtle than The Transformers with its Abdul Fakkadi, Supreme Military Commander, President-for-Life, and King of Kings of the Socialist Democratic Federated Republic of Carbombya. Hope you didn't have any friends in Bialya though, as Black Adam committed massive genocide and murdered every single resident of Bialya during DC Comics' World War III tie in to the 52 Series. Which is enough to make a DC Comics fictional country actually interesting. For once.

1. Kooey Kooey Kooey - Another invention of the Justice League International-era, it is super awesome because it is essentially just meant to be a parody of Marvel Comics' Krakoa with the even more insane eventual revelation that Kooey Kooey Kooey was a giant sentient monster that would occasionally get bored and move somewhere else. I can only imagine the ramifications to the UN and international law about a nation being mobile and living. Booster Gold, Blue Beetle and Kilowog also opened up a casino resort on it - so there's that. Those bros were always up to mad hijinks.

No comments:

Post a Comment