Ed Ranks the High Council of Civilization II

Sid Meier's Civilization II came out in 1996 and I probably spent the latter half of the Nineties doing little else other than playing it.  Within the game, the player had the ability to consult a "High Council" for advice. The council consisted of short video clips of actors portraying five advisors - experts in Military, Science, Trade, Foreign, and Elvis. Yes, Elvis. I guess you could call him "Morale" or "Attitude" instead. But to be honest he was just Elvis being Elvis. Over time, the video clips changed the depictions of the actors from ancient to medieval to modern times.  Civ2 was the best, and this is how the five advisors are ranked:

5. Science Advisor

Depicted as a pretty stereotypical, sniveling nerd. In ancient times he's a dork in a toga, in medieval times he's sort of a whiny jester, and in modern times he's totally a pocket protector kinda guy in a white lab coat. What a lame-o. The only interesting thing this guy ever does is occasionally encourage you to steal technology from others.

Portrayed by: Thomas Seibert


Did the actor do anything else? Nope, IMDB lists Civ2 as his only credit.

4. Military Advisor

By no means do I dislike the Military Advisor. In fact, he's pretty hilarious and awesome. He's this giant dude with a shaved head who seems to just shout at everything. In ancient times he starts off as some type of angry councilman, in medieval times he's in full knight regalia, and in modern times he's totally cosplaying Norman Schwarzkopf in the Gulf War. Oh, occasionally he seems to be drunk too. He's wonderful and you should probably listen to his advice already and just build more damn barracks. 

Portrayed by: Brad Howard


Did the actor do anything else? He was apparently a reenactor in The Quest for Captain Kidd, a 2001 documentary narrated by Mel Gibson about the expedition to search for Captain Kidd's flagship, the Adventure Galley. IMDB doesn't specifically say who Brad Howard portrayed, but just based on his look I'm going to go ahead and assume that he was Captain Kidd in this. So he can probably claim he was the star and title character in a Mel Gibson film. Not too shabby.

3. Elvis 

Like I said, I guess we could call this guy "Attitude Advisor" instead... but he's just Elvis. In ancient time he's Elvis wearing ancient clothes. In medieval times he's Elvis wearing medieval clothes. And in modern times he's just Elvis wearing Elvis clothes. He'll frequently tell you that the people need to be happy in order that your civilization succeed. In doing so, he typically references some sort of Elvis song or calls you "King."  He's full of puns.

Portrayed by: It kills me to say this, but he wasn't actually played by Elvis, what with Elvis being dead and all. Elvis was portrayed by Frank Wagner.
 

Did the actor do anything else? He has the longest IMDB entry of all five actors, having had roles in TV Movies called Anatomy of a Seduction, Perfect People and The Cover Girl and the Cop; TV shows including T.J. Hooker and Riptide; as well as the films Alien Nation and Breaking the Rules.

2. Foreign Advisor

This lady is straight up boss. In addition to being the only female advisor, she was also ruthless. Even when she was encouraging people to make peace or do good things - she usually ended her comments with some aside like, "So we can betray them later!" or "So we can exploit them!"  Civ2 believed in Realpolitik, no doubt. She began with an outfit looking something like Athena in ancient times, then was dressed like a medieval damsel before finally becoming a black-laden and beret-wearing spy with a highly questionable "moose-and-squirrel" Russian spy accent. Did I mention that she was hot? I know it's sexist to say but I was a teenager playing this game and I just want to point out how hot she was.

Portrayed by: April Cantor
 

Did the actor do anything else? She apparently had an uncredited role in Frank Oz's What About Bob? and served as a "Second Unit Director or Assistant Director" and "Miscellaneous Crew" in later films that nobody has heard of.

1. Trade Advisor

This guy is the best. He has the best lines, including "You weak-minded eunich!" and "Traaaaaaade sir, discover it! This is you... this is a clue. Get a clue! Discover Trade!"  He begins looking all anciently regal with a red cloak, then has fine red velvety clothes as a rich medieval merchant before finally transforming into a Wall Street douchebag for modern times. Everything this dude says is smug, condescending and hilarious. And all his advice encouraged the player to get richer and richer - so I pretty much only listened to him.

Portrayed by: Spencer Humm
 

Did the actor do anything else? Although not a prolific film actor (he appeared uncredited in Superstar and then in a short film called Intervention as "the AA"), Spencer Humm is a comedian and for many, many years was one half of the sword fighting comedy duo "Hack and Slash" that appeared at Renaissance Fares across the country. He was Slash, in case you were wondering.