Ed Ranks Clue Weapons

Part II of III. 

Remember that Clue thing from last time? Uh huh. Well, now we're talking about the weapons. Like the suspects, there are six of them.

How does this old thing still even work?

6. Revolver - Isn't it just a bit impersonal to kill a person with a gun? All the other weapons require some actual physical contact with the person. Stabbing. Blunt force trauma. Choking the last breaths of life out of them.  Those seem like much more cool ways to kill people. Plus guns are super loud. How are you going to secretly kill someone with loud gun bang?  No sir, if you want to murder Mr. Boddy, I highly recommend you look elsewhere in the mansion and find a much more awesome weapon.  Besides, the revolvers they use in this game look like some type of old-time pirate weapon. Is Mr. Boddy supposed to be the Captain of a Spanish galleon? If not, I'm not sure what you're doing killing him with this thing.

5. Rope - I gotta give the rope credit for being visually interesting and different. While all the other weapon tokens in the game were made from metal - the rope was made from white plastic. Still, rope doesn't seem like the most effective murder weapon. Suicide? Sure! Hanging is a great way to kill yourself if that's how you want to end it all. But to kill someone else? First you have to get that rope around their neck. How are you going to do that? And are you strong enough to strangle them with the rope? Will the rope snap first? If you want to hang them - do you have a good, high-up space to drop them from? Sure, it's easy to hang someone when you have the law on your side and a bunch of old west deputies to make sure that the hang-ee doesn't escape. But when you're alone and committing a murder... this simply seems like too much work.

Very sleek looking. It would look even sleeker... in someone's back!

4. Dagger - See? This has that personal touch that the revolver just doesn't. If you want to murder someone, you might as well go up to them with a long, sharp thrusting weapon and just stab the hell out of them until they die. Watch out, this is going to get messy pretty quickly. You might want to wear a rain jacket or something.

3. Wrench (aka "Spanner") - I think every time I see a monkey or pipe wrench in real life, I think about Clue. Do I think about adjusting hex nuts, bolts or sockets? No. Do I think about installing a new shower head in the bathroom to get some more water pressure? No. Do I think about fixing my car? No. Do I think about the wrench being caked in day-old dry blood on the floor of a conservatory, laying next to a cold corpse? ABSOLUTELY.

2. Lead Pipe - There is just something stone cold about grabbing a lead pipe and beating someone to death with it. As you can see from these highest ranked weapons, I really seem to have a thing for blunt force trauma to the head.  Also, the original UK game apparently used real lead in the lead pipe game piece. You know, lead... the thing that poisons you when you stick in in your mouth. Yeah, so this game piece probably did lead to a couple of killings.

FUN!

1. Candlestick - There is just something so awesome about murdering some old, rich man in a mansion with a candlestick. I'm not quite sure what it is. For one, it's probably the fact that only old, rich men with mansions even have candlesticks.  Do you have a candlestick in your home? Who the hell has candlesticks? As far as I'm concerned, the only purpose of a candlestick is to be used to beat some rich person to death in a mansion full of secret passages. Every time I see Lumière in Beauty and the Beast, I assume the Beast is just one minute away from grabbing him and beating Cogsworth to death.