Part I of III.
Clue, also known as Cluedo in the UK, is a murder mystery board game. Surely you've heard of it, right? I already ranked board games way back near the beginning of this blog. Get with the picture, people! There was a movie with Tim Curry in it!
Anyway, it has six characters who are suspects in the murder of Mr. Boddy (aka Dr. Black). These are those suspects, ranked:
6. Mrs. Peacock - Nobody likes Mrs. Peacock. Who wants to play as Mrs. Peacock? She's some elderly grand dame that wears a bunch of tweed and stuff. She's definitely the type of old lady who married into money years ago and then killed her husbands so that she could marry into more money. I BET SHE DID IT!
5. Mrs. White - She's generally always depicted as some sort of guilty-looking servant. Like a cook or a maid or something. I bet she has a ton of motive to kill Mr. Boddy. Remember the old mystery cliche "the butler did it"? Well... here you go... Mrs. White. She's the help. She's probably shitting in your pie right now. If we were ranking this by the Clue movie alone (which I'm not), then she'd obviously be much higher. Why? Because in the movie she's Madeline Fucking Kahn. And she sort of steals a lot of those "black widow" vibes in the movie that I associate with Mrs. Peacock in the board game. Except younger and hotter because she was Madeline Kahn.
4. Professor Plum - I generally played as this guy. Why? Because he's Purple and that's the best color. And because I had an older brother and I'm sure my older brother would claim dibs on Colonel Mustard. Like Mrs. White - this is a character who is super cool in the movies because he's played by Dr. Emmett Brown. I'm sure Dr. Emmett Brown has a real name or something, but who cares. It's Doc Brown. In the board game, Professor Plum is generally the smart, intellectual college professor with the pipe and bow tie. You can tell this sneaky fuck is up to no good.
3. Reverend / Mr. Green - This suspect is definitely a lot more interesting in the British version of the game than in the US version. In the UK, he's Reverend Green - an Anglican priest. How cool is it that a Reverend is a murder suspect? He's so bad with that whole "Thou Shall Not Kill" commandment thing. Alas, in the U.S. the people at Parker Brothers figured that American audiences weren't yet ready for a killer Reverend. For that reason, in the U.S. he was depicted as more of a slick suit-wearing mobster-type. In the movie he was Mike McKean, so that's cool, right? There he was given a different spin as a blackmailed homosexual and/or a secret FBI agent. I guess it depends on which ending you prefer (recommendation: THAT ENDING!).
2. Colonel Mustard - I learned the word "Colonel" from this character. Obviously the first thing I thought to myself as a child was, "Why the hell is it spelled like that if it's pronounced Ker-null?" I'm sure my parents had to then explain to me how all the rules regarding the English language that the teachers taught me at school should often just be ignored. ANYWAY, BACK TO THE POINT -- this awesome dude is like that English game hunter from the early 20th Century that you can imagine going to Africa, killing all sorts of giant, endangered animals, and laughing about it years later as he drinks whisky out of his decanter while in a smoke-filled lounge. This guy will ALWAYS be English in my head with the stiff upper lip, monocle, and grand mustache. I don't even think about Martin Mull when I think of the Clue movie. I just replace the image in my head with that guy who played Captain Peacock in Are You Being Served? Which is odd, because that guy's name is Peacock and not Mustard. Wouldn't I confuse him with Mrs. Peacock instead? No, of course not. That's dumb.
1. Miss Scarlett - The sexy femme fatale of Clue. You just know this chick likes to murder, don't you? Hence the "fatale" part of "femme fatale." In the very first edition in the UK in the 1940s she was a young, blonde bombshell. In the 1972 US version (the one that I grew up with) she was an Asian woman wearing a black dress and smoking a cigarette through a long cigarette holder. In the 1980s movie she was Lesley Anne Warren and she was being blackmailed because she was a sarcastic madame in charge of a high-roller escort service. I mean what character is cooler than that?
Clue, also known as Cluedo in the UK, is a murder mystery board game. Surely you've heard of it, right? I already ranked board games way back near the beginning of this blog. Get with the picture, people! There was a movie with Tim Curry in it!
Anyway, it has six characters who are suspects in the murder of Mr. Boddy (aka Dr. Black). These are those suspects, ranked:6. Mrs. Peacock - Nobody likes Mrs. Peacock. Who wants to play as Mrs. Peacock? She's some elderly grand dame that wears a bunch of tweed and stuff. She's definitely the type of old lady who married into money years ago and then killed her husbands so that she could marry into more money. I BET SHE DID IT!
5. Mrs. White - She's generally always depicted as some sort of guilty-looking servant. Like a cook or a maid or something. I bet she has a ton of motive to kill Mr. Boddy. Remember the old mystery cliche "the butler did it"? Well... here you go... Mrs. White. She's the help. She's probably shitting in your pie right now. If we were ranking this by the Clue movie alone (which I'm not), then she'd obviously be much higher. Why? Because in the movie she's Madeline Fucking Kahn. And she sort of steals a lot of those "black widow" vibes in the movie that I associate with Mrs. Peacock in the board game. Except younger and hotter because she was Madeline Kahn.
4. Professor Plum - I generally played as this guy. Why? Because he's Purple and that's the best color. And because I had an older brother and I'm sure my older brother would claim dibs on Colonel Mustard. Like Mrs. White - this is a character who is super cool in the movies because he's played by Dr. Emmett Brown. I'm sure Dr. Emmett Brown has a real name or something, but who cares. It's Doc Brown. In the board game, Professor Plum is generally the smart, intellectual college professor with the pipe and bow tie. You can tell this sneaky fuck is up to no good.
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| Tim Curry makes the popped collar look good. |
2. Colonel Mustard - I learned the word "Colonel" from this character. Obviously the first thing I thought to myself as a child was, "Why the hell is it spelled like that if it's pronounced Ker-null?" I'm sure my parents had to then explain to me how all the rules regarding the English language that the teachers taught me at school should often just be ignored. ANYWAY, BACK TO THE POINT -- this awesome dude is like that English game hunter from the early 20th Century that you can imagine going to Africa, killing all sorts of giant, endangered animals, and laughing about it years later as he drinks whisky out of his decanter while in a smoke-filled lounge. This guy will ALWAYS be English in my head with the stiff upper lip, monocle, and grand mustache. I don't even think about Martin Mull when I think of the Clue movie. I just replace the image in my head with that guy who played Captain Peacock in Are You Being Served? Which is odd, because that guy's name is Peacock and not Mustard. Wouldn't I confuse him with Mrs. Peacock instead? No, of course not. That's dumb.
1. Miss Scarlett - The sexy femme fatale of Clue. You just know this chick likes to murder, don't you? Hence the "fatale" part of "femme fatale." In the very first edition in the UK in the 1940s she was a young, blonde bombshell. In the 1972 US version (the one that I grew up with) she was an Asian woman wearing a black dress and smoking a cigarette through a long cigarette holder. In the 1980s movie she was Lesley Anne Warren and she was being blackmailed because she was a sarcastic madame in charge of a high-roller escort service. I mean what character is cooler than that?
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