Ed Ranks the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles by their Weapons

Behold, four Raphaels. Kind of.

4. Donatello (weapon: Bō) - Donatello literally drew the short stick because that's his weapon. A stick. I'm not saying that a master of the ninja arts can't totally kick ass with a bō. I'm just saying that it's still just a stick. While the other turtles probably had their weapons made by master Japanese craftsmen... I assume Splinter was walking through the woods one day and saw a branch on the ground and said "good enough." That's all the guy who "does machines" is good for, apparently.

3. Michelangelo (weapon: Nunchaku) - Mainly called "nunchucks" in the west, nunchaku are exactly the type of weapon that seem "super cool" to the eight year old kids who would be Ninja Turtles viewers. Apart from how cool they look swinging around though - how useful are they really? I'm sure the ratio of people who have hurt themselves swinging these bad boys versus hurting any opponent has to be at least 20 to 1.

2. Leonardo (weapon: Katana) - Swords are awesome, and Leonardo is often depicted swinging around two of them at once. Which is cool as all hell. They're long and curved and can certainly do some major damage to those Foot Clan robots. Everyone wants a katana.

1. Raphael (weapon: Sai) - As awesome as Leonardo looks swinging two katanas at once, it's pretty impractical. You know what the perfect double wielding weapon is though? The sai! It's also the perfect melee weapon. Swords and all those other weapons are almost too decorative and symbolic in their use. The sai is simply made for stabbing people in the abdomen in and killing them in a super painful way. And unlike a sword you can easily go around inconspicuously carrying them before you whip them out to gut someone like a fish. If Leonardo wanted to carry his katanas around he'd have to carry a guitar case, golf bag or something obvious like that. Raphael could easily just throw his sais in a laptop bag or anything and walk into a meeting and take everyone out. If he wanted to. And after all, that brown trench coat and hat disguise those Ninja Turtles wear to go out in public is so convincing.