You know, just in case you were wondering or thinking of popping by.
This isn't knocking every Burger King, just the one in the Pentagon. Usually I'd say Burger King is much better than McDonalds. The Burger King here is absolute shit. Want a coffee in the morning? Chances are they are out of cups. Or they have cups but no lids for them. Want a soda? Their machine doesn't work. Napkins? Out of them. Ketchup? They claim they don't have any but then you see their is ketchup on the burger. Want a burger? Two people in line in front of me returned theirs for being raw. Hey look... I'm all about a burger that's nice and pink in the middle. Maybe even red. But from Burger King? Yeah, not so much.
The Pentagon's official food concourse map claims this exists. They must have some sort of
-style mind erasing thing after you pass it though. Which seems like a terrible business plan.
the KFC in the Pentagon is a sad joke. You know what you can't get in it? Regular KFC chicken. You know like the drumsticks, thighs, legs, etc you get in a bucket? They don't have it. They only have little boneless chicken filet things, chicken sandwiches, and some bullshit Buffalo-wing style things. #SAD
What it should be instead: Bonchon Chicken, the greatest fried chicken restaurant of all.
20. Charley's Philly Steaks (Closed) - This is just a closed empty space with nothing in it now. Which still makes it rank higher than a very much open KFC that doesn't serve actual KFC chicken or a Burger King that has raw burgers and no coffee lids. I'm not sure if anything is supposed to open up in this space, but I hope it will be better than this awful mall food court chain.
What it should be instead: Some kind of döner kebab place. That sounds much more appetizing, right? And it's still salty meat of indeterminate animal that's thrown on bread, which makes it nearly identical to a Charley's (in principle).
19. Qdoba - It's a fake Chipotle.
What it should be instead: Chipotle. And not just the one in the Pentagon. Every Qdoba should just be a Chipotle everywhere.
 |
| "Gourmet" used liberally. |
18. Panda Express - Awful cornstarch covered "Chinese" food drenched in syrups. In other words, the same terrible non-Chinese Chinese food that most Americans are familiar with.
What it should be instead: Din Tai Fung. That's right. Go big or go home. DTF is the best.
17. Farmers Market Café - I actually have no clue about this one or if it's even there since it's in the Conference Center Annex. I'll just throw it here. I mean it's a government cafeteria, so 17 sounds about right.
What it should be instead: Nothing. There is already another cafeteria in the Pentagon. Stop being lazy and just walk there.
16. Surf City Squeeze - Oh look, a smoothie place. Exciting, huh?
What it should be instead: It actually doesn't matter. All smoothie places are exactly the same. Anyone with fresh produce, ice, and the exact same Vitamix I have in my home can run a smoothie place. Maybe I should open up something. I should be an entrepreneur.
15. Dominic's of New York - Like the 50/50 place... I've never actually seen this place either. I guess it's in the basement or something. I'm not going in the basement of the Pentagon. That's scary. Probably where we keep the aliens or whatever.
What it should be instead: I think this is supposed to be like hot sandwiches or something, so let's say a Taylor Gourmet. For those unfamiliar with it, it's a Washington, D.C. based chain. I am going to have a few of those here. Deal with it.
14. Auntie Annie's - What people actually eat at Auntie Annie's?
What it should be instead: If you're going to get diabeetus from sugar-laden bread you might as well go all-in and make this a Cinnabon. I don't particularly like Cinnabon either.
13. Rollerz - Ugh. Sandwich wraps. Is this whole "wraps" thing still happening?
What it should be instead: I know it has nothing to do with wraps, but let's just make this a Cava Grill. I love Cava. CAVA!!!!!!!
12. Courtyard Café (Closed, soon to be
Au Bon Pain) - This isn't open but it's about to be an ABP... so that's promising. It's also in the center courtyard which is cool.
What it should be instead: Au Bon Pain, so good call people. Job well done.
 |
| NOT this guy. But I can see why you're confused. |
11. Fresh Kitchen by Robert Irvine - Robert Irvine is that annoying British chef from TV who yells at people. No,
not him. You're thinking of Gordon Ramsey. This is FAKE Gordon Ramsey. The one who also
faked being the Queen's chef. In concept it should be a good place - it's half sit-down dining like a real restaurant and half carry out for convenience. I'll be honest that I haven't actually gone to the sit-down dining half. But the take-and-go half of the place? Bland. Kind of like his show. ZING!!!!
What it should be instead: Something by Gordon Ramsey, just to rub it in Robert Irvine's stupid face.
10. Cocina de Pollo - Peruvian chicken is usually awesome. It's slow roasted, charred and dripping of juices. But Cocina de Pollo tastes like normal chicken that's been rolled in taco seasoning.
What it should be instead: Crisp and Juicy. Another DC chain that means nothing to anyone from outside of the area... but those who do know what I'm talking about are all nodding their heads right now. You can go ahead and nod your head in solidarity too if you wish, just to fit in.
9. Freshens - A salad place. But it doesn't even have sundried tomatoes or wonton crisps. Who doesn't have wonton crisps?!
What it should be instead: Panera Bread, where I generally go for salads. Panera's Thai Chicken Salad should be made the official meal of the United States. I know it sounds crazy that I'm advocating that the official meal of the United States be one that specifically has the adjective for another country in it - but America is built on immigration so I'm going to argue that it works.
8. Taco Bell - Look, I may have
given crap to Taco Bell before, but I actually go there. I'd rather go there than silly-ass Qdoba.
What it should be instead: Eh, it's fine being a Taco Bell I suppose. It's not like we can actually get a Mexican Food Truck from California to show in the Pentagon. OR CAN WE?!
 |
| Slogan: "It's edible!" |
7. Sbarro - There is a lot of hate out there for Sbarro but it's actually mildly decent. And the Sbarro in the Pentagon in my opinion has better salads than any of the other options. Odd, huh?
What it should be instead: Ledo Pizza. Another local chain. Maryland people get it. Deal with it.
6. Market Basket - I know I dissed the other cafeteria in the Pentagon, but of course the place needs a cafeteria. It just makes sense. How else am I going to spoon food into a container and weigh it to be charged? And it has all kinds of food stations for stuff. Still no wonton crisps at the salad bar though. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE HAVE WONTON CRISPS?!
What it should be instead: No, this is good. Leave it as-is.
5. McDonalds - I know I said Burger King is usually better than McDonalds... so why am I ranking McDonalds way above? Breakfast, obviously. McDonalds might as well not exist other than breakfast. I have zero temptation to eat any burger from McD's. But the Sausage, Egg and Cheese Biscuit? HELL YEAH.
What it should be instead: A McDonalds for breakfast that somehow transforms into a Shake Shack at 10:30AM and remains that way for the rest of the day. Never an In-N-Out though. Forget that over-hyped West Coast crap.
4. Popeyes - Popeye's is awesome. The only bad thing I have to say about the one in the Pentagon is that their onion rings don't taste so fresh as they usually are at normal Popeyes. That's a first world problem though.
What it should be instead: Fine as it is.
3. Starbucks / Five Star Espresso - There are two "real" Starbucks in the Pentagon, and then a bunch of other small coffee stands that call themselves Five Star Espressos but which serve Starbucks coffee. These are all essential to keep the military industrial complex highly alert. Hey looks, it's better than using cocaine.
What it should be instead: Most are fine as they are, but I guess we could mix it up and have a different chain or two instead. How about a Peet's?
2. Subway - Similar to Starbucks, there are two "full" Subways in the Pentagon as well as another Subway-lite stand which can't do the toasted sandwiches and only has the cold sandwich meat stuff. Subway is great, but...
What it should be instead: ...See how I left you in suspense there? But... as above with Starbucks, do we really need three Subways? Let's turn at least one of the three into a Potbelly and call it a day.
 |
| Possible Article coming soon: Ranking donut flavors? |
1. Dunkin' Donuts / Baskin Robbins - There are two DD/BR combos in the Pentagon. This is the place I go to most often. Mainly just for coffee. Only rarely do I ever get a donut. Never have gotten ice cream or done the Baskin Robbins half. Once I had an "angus beef" breakfast sandwich at one of them and the beef tasted like what I imagine the canned food I give to my cats must taste like. Only guessing. Despite that, I'm not knocking it. I'm still making it #1. Just don't order that Angus beef sandwich thing. DD coffee and donuts is awesome. The vast majority of any currency and credit I have disposed myself of in the Pentagon has gone to Dunkin Donuts.
What it should be instead: Exactly what it is now, but with the cat food removed from the menu.
No comments:
Post a Comment