Ed Ranks Dinner Options

Pictured: A wide variety of food options I presently don't have

Oh crap! It's 8:42PM EST on a Friday night and I haven't even eaten anything yet.  I better weigh my options...

10. Make something from scratch - Hahaha, no. As I just said, it is 8:42 on a Friday night. It is too late and I do not want to do all that work.

9. There is some leftover kimchi in the fridge - Kimchi just by itself? I have nothing to have it with. Spicy fermented cabbage and radishes with salty fish sauce is not what I'm looking for right now.

8. What about that apple? - No thanks. I think there is a bad spot on it. I guess it could cut that spot out. But an apple wouldn't be enough. I'd still be hungry afterwards.

7. A hand full of French's© Fried Onions - That is not a meal, that is a snack and it's totally going to throw off my calorie count for the day. I have to stay under 2000!  Also, you don't eat this by itself. You need to make that green bean casserole thing to go with it. And I just said I'm not making anything from scratch.

6. Okay then, there is nothing to eat here. You might as well go out to eat somewhere - No. It's late and it's cold. And I'm too lazy. I'd have to put on clothes and stuff.

5. Wait! Soup! You have some soup! That will be easy to warm up! - Yes, but I think like with the apple it won't be enough. I'd need a little more than that. Also that's leftovers too and I just had it yesterday.

4. Okay, so what about the soup PLUS the apple? - I dunno. The soup is tortilla soup. Does tortilla soup go well with apples? Plus I don't even have any tortillas left to put in the tortilla soup because I used the last of the tortillas when I had the soup yesterday. 

3. Order pizza delivery! That way you don't have to get up or put clothes on. Also, you'll have leftovers tomorrow! - No, I'm boycotting Papa Johns and I'm not sure Dominos delivers here. I mean maybe they do, but it's sort of far. I don't have cash either. I know I could order it online and use my credit card, but I prefer to use cash so that the guy gets a tip. You can tip online, but I bet the manager screws the delivery person and does some crap like split all the tip money with the bad employees and even keeps some for himself.

My favorite brand: generic

2. Give up and have nothing. It's either that or just spoon peanut butter directly out of the jar - Tempting.

1. Okay... just suck it up and eat the tortilla soup without tortillas. Then take the apple and cut the bad spot out. Then put PEANUT BUTTER on the apple. Peanut butter + apple = magic. Does tortilla soup go with apples and peanut butter? No, it doesn't. But you have no other options. Suck it up, do it, and quit your complaining. If you're still hungry afterwards, have a big glass of water and keep having water until you're full - We have a winner.

Ed Ranks Things on this Christmas Word Search Puzzle

Oh man! These are fun, right? I've found 20 words hidden in this Christmas Word Search Puzzle and I've decided to rank them!  This is going to be a blast!

20. Caroling - This is a fun one, but it was right in the middle! A little too easy to find!

19. Cheer - I found this one pretty easily too! Still, a great sentiment for the season!

18. Coldness - Hrm. Coldness is a bit odd choice. Sounds kind of negative. Still, I suppose Winter is pretty cold, so I shouldn't read too much into that. I would have gone with "frosty" or something like that myself. Anyway, it was right at the top left going down. I can't believe it took me so long to find it since it was right there!

17. Jingle Bells - Hahaha, great one! Now I'm singing that song in my head.

16. Christmas - This one is a little obvious, but okay.

15. Joy - Whew! What a tough one to find... only 3 letters long. The key is to look for the Y's if you want to find it too.

14. Family - I was looking for Y's and I found "Family." It is important to spend time with your family every Christmas. What a great list!

13. Snow - Yessssss! Found it!

12. Yuletide - Hey, another Y one. I guess these Y's are more common in Christmas words than I thought.

11. Merry - This one was tricky. I figured "Merry" would be in there and I eventually found it! But in the upper middle of the puzzle across there is one that says "Derry" and it keeps tricking me and throwing me off. Can you find where the real one is at? I won't give it away, so that you can have the fun of finding it yourself!

10. Divorce - Wait... what? Why is this in here? Hrm. It must have been some kind of accident or something. I think the people who make these puzzles use some sort of program that puts the real words in, and then just adds other scrambled letters in order to hide them. This must just be one of those crazy flukes, right? It's diagonal and backwards, so probably not intended. Yeah, the world can provide some odd coincidences sometimes. Hahaha, I'll laugh this off as a zany coincidence that gives extra charm to the puzzle.

9. Candy Cane - And we're back on track! These are the great types of words we're supposed to be finding.

8. Santa - You can't have a proper Christmas Puzzle without "Santa" being somewhere in there! Ho ho ho!

7.  Reindeer - And right after finding "Santa," I found "reindeer!" Nice! I knew I would be able to find that in here somewhere, because there was a cute little graphic of Rudolph to the side. Just like there was a graphic of candy canes and I found that earlier.  Is "snow man" also in this puzzle anywhere? I can't seem to find it. It doesn't look like it, and I was looking for it pretty hard. Hrm. Probably not. Since we already had "snow" it might be repetitive to also do "snow man."

6. Decorations - Oh, nice! Always great to have decorations. That's what my last list was about four days ago.

5. Winter - Brrr! Make sure to wear a nice warm coat.

4. Presents - AWESOME! Presents are the best! This is great!

3. Depression - Wait. What?! Now I'm starting to think that "coldness" and "divorce" were more than just accidents. I know "Seasonal affective disorder" (SAD) is a real thing that occurs around this time, but there is no reason to put this in here.

2. Suicide - THIS IS HIDDEN IN HERE GOING BACKWARDS! JUST WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS SEARCH PUZZLE?!

1. Absence of Hope - Holy SHIT this got dark. PLEASE DO NOT SHARE THIS PUZZLE WITH YOUR CHILDREN.

Ed Ranks Christmas Tree Decorations

Look at this fancy nonsense!

Christmas is in the air! Here are 35 common(-ish) decorations for your Christmas Tree, ranked:

35. Anything Political - For the love of that little baby in the manger, no. Please. Don't.

34. Popcorn Garland - Oh look! A "cute" homemade thing where you whip out a sewing needle, thread, and then put 7,000 little holes in your finger stringing thread through disgusting popcorn. I suppose it's better than eating popcorn though. Why do people like popcorn? The kernals always get caught in your gums! Popcorn is terrible.

33. Nothing, Just a Fake White Tree - You are LAZY.

32. Personalized Photo of Self / Couple / Your Child / Your Dog - Uhhhh. You're that family, huh?

31. Kitschy Pop Culture Bullshit - Christmas-themed Super Mario? Groot? NASCAR? Pikachu? Jersey Shore? Betty Boop? Please keep this nonsense off your tree.

30. Home-Crafted Thingamajig - Elementary school art class had your untalented child to make some ugly thing and now you're forced to hang it up? Or maybe you're simply one of those "DIY" people? Either way, stop being poor and buy real decorations. Nobody believes that "it's more meaningful if it's homemade" nonsense.

An all-bauble tree looks like CRAP!

29. Balls (Baubles) - What is more boring than just a bunch of glittering balls hanging from a tree? Sure, you can have some... but these are really just filler for empty spots on the tree, right?

28. Blown Glass - Ah, like the balls above but made from real glass. I see you like to live dangerously. Especially if you have any pets or children. Enjoy stepping on those tony shards three months later after you thought you had got them all.

27.  Fruit - This is apparently a thing.

26. Candy Canes - Classic... but boring. Also gross.  Who actually likes peppermint? That's candy from olden times before Snickers were invented.

25. The Word "Noel" - Yeah, I guess you can put "Noel" up on a tree. So long as it is referring to the French Noël (meaning “Christmas season”) and not to Noel, a stripper you just met.

24. Hearts - Lame. What is this? Valentine's Day?

23. Cross - Let's celebrate Christmas by recalling a method of execution from antiquity wherein a victim is tied, nailed, or otherwise attached to a large wooden beam and left to hang for several days until eventual death. ENJOY THOSE LEGOS, KID!

22. Nativity Scene - What's with all this Christian stuff people want to add to their Christmas trees? Have they forgotten the true meaning of Christmas? And by that I mean "to celebrate the Sigillaria during the Saturnalia, a day of gift-giving (which likely evolved from earlier practices of human sacrifice) very near to the Winter Solstice of the Roman Calendar in honor of the mighty god, Saturn."

21. Present / Gift Bearer - An ornament of a present itself, or of a person giving a present? Eh. Sure. 

20. A Christmas Tree - Wait... you're putting a Christmas Tree on a Christmas Tree? Just what kind of Inception bullshit are you trying to pull off here?

19. Wreath - At least a little more creative than a tree. And since it naturally has a circle you can just pop that right on a tree branch.

18. Ribbons - Now your tree looks like a harlot.

17. Fancy European Handcrafted Thingamajig - Wow! Did you get that from some Christmas Market in Germany? Looks expensive. It would be a shame if someone (or some pet) broke it! (see #28 above).

16. Fake snow - A bit obvious, but fine.

Impractical house clutter

15. Nutcrackers - Let's be honest. Nobody since the 19th century has actually used a Nutcracker to crack a nut.

14. Santa - Yeah, I'm a filthy heathen who put Santa on the list several rankings above crosses and nativity scenes.  I guess the War on Christmas™ Fox News rages on.

13.  Doves - Because peace and Jesus, and all that jazz.

12. Penguins - An even better bird, because they live in the snow.

11. Bells - As long as they are fake bells. If they are real ones that actually ring - that would be annoying.

10. Stockings / Socks - Nice try, but you're not going to get MORE gifts if you put up more socks. Only the ones over your fireplace count. Santa isn't that easily fooled.

9. Rocking Horse - A classic! To be a decoration on a tree, I mean. Not as an actual present. That would be awful.

8. Train - Like above. Boys really like trains. Why? Probably Stand by Me.

7. Gingerbread Man - A fake one is better than one really made out of gingerbread. Then you can re-use it the next year without it being rancid or attracting ants everywhere.

6. Snowflakes - Good choice! You know it won't actually snow outside, so this is the next best thing.

5. Angel - You have to either have an angel or star on top of your tree. It's a rule.

4. Star - You have to either have a star or angel on top of your tree. It's a rule.

Yep, that's a nice ornament.

3. Snowmen - Much better than making an actual snowman. If you make a snowman outside then your fingers get super cold. Even if you're wearing mittens. Just hang up a snowman ornament and treat yourself to a hot cocoa. You deserve it.

2. Reindeer - Unless you live in Scandinavia, this is the only time of year you're even going to think about this animal. You might as well put all nine of these bad boys up.

1. Lights - On second thought, just hang up the lights and call it a day. Good enough!

Ed Ranks FFXII Characters by his Vague Recollection of Them

Final Fantasy XII is a 2006 video game. I played it a long time ago, but don't really remember all that much about it. It had... what?... six main characters, right? I think it was six. I remember six. I don't remember their real names though. Here they are, ranked:

I could have also called him "Gender Fluid Mad Max"

6. J-Pop

The main character of almost every Final Fantasy game is the most boring character. Maybe it's supposed to be that way. Maybe, because they are the protagonist of the game, that character is purposely flimsy so that you, as the player of the game, can fill in the holes and put yourself in their shoes more? Nah, I'm being too generous. FF main characters are always terrible and they're always teenagers who look like they belong in a Japanese boy band.

J-Pop's Job: Street urchin with dead parents
J-Pop's Weapon:  Sword, which is also really boring, right?
J-Pop's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Pyroclasm," presumably a cataclysm of fire.
J-Pop's real name, apparently: "Vaan"

5. Jailbait

Boring main character is almost always accompanied by a giggling, overly sexualized lolita. Jailbait is (probably) 8 years old and the best friend of main character. Do not try to hit on Jailbait or you will go to fantasy space prison for a long time.

Jailbait's Job: Break Dancer (again, I am vaguely recalling)
Jailbait's Weapon: Some type of giant staff with some axe-looking thing on the end.
Jailbait's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Evenescence," which I assume makes her enemies go under, drown in you, fall forever, and break though.  
Jailbait's real name, apparently: "Penelo"

4. Grizzled Man

Grizzled Man is an "old" character in the game, meaning he's in his mid-30's. He's some sort of disgraced knight that doesn't like to speak about his past (something to do with killing the king, although it was really his twin brother who killed the king) and he has a scar on his face. Scars add character.  In hindsight, Grizzled Man is a combo of Jaime Lannister (killing kings) and Jorah Mormont (sad, loner, disgraced knight).

Grizzled Man's Job: Knight (unemployed)
Grizzled Man's Weapon: Giant sword, as a knight should have
Grizzled Man's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Flame purge," I am loving these names, by the way 
Grizzled Man's real name, apparently: "Basch"

Here are the rest of them. If you care.

3. Princess Leia

The Princess is another trope character who seems to appear in every single one of these damn games. She's an only child and thus the heir to the throne of whatever kingdom this game is set in. I'm not sure. But why am I calling her Princess Leia? Because she's also a rebel / freedom fighter who goes around killing. Cool. She also enjoys placing a single finger on her nose in all of the game's promo artwork.

Princess Leia's Job: Princess / Leader of the Rebel Alliance
Princess Leia's Weapon: I don't even remember.
Princess Leia's Most Awesome Limit Break:  "Heaven's Wrath," which could easily be the name of a death metal album. 
Princess Leia's real name, apparently: "Ashe"

2.  S&M Rabbit

S&M Rabbit is a sexy lady rabbit who likes wearing tight leather. She doesn't talk much, although I assume at the very least she does have some sort of safe word. She's supposed to be an expert with weapons, which is a good thing to have in a game with a plot where you go around killing things. S&M Rabbit is easily the most cosplay-able character in Final Fantasy XII. But beware if you do so, because I imagine someone at a convention might confuse you with Nei from Phatasy Star II.

S&M Rabbit's Job: Killing things
S&M Rabbit's Weapon: Bow & Arrow
S&M Rabbit's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Shatterheart," what she does to all the boys. 
S&M Rabbit's real name, apparently: "Fran," which sounds like the name of a 50-year old aunt and not a sexy rabbit girl.

See? Pirate!

1. Sky Pirate

Sky Pirate is the best. I love Sky Pirate. Sky Pirate is a pirate, except he lives in the sky. Yes, he has some sort of pirate airship that flies around everywhere when you need to conveniently move around the game. You (in the guise of boring J-Pop Main Character), first meet Sky Pirate when he's breaking into a palace and stealing shit. That's all you need to know about Sky Pirate because that's what Sky Pirates do. They steal. Because they are pirates. Except in the sky. Sky Pirate's best friend is S&M Rabbit, and she follows him around everywhere. If you were Sky Pirate, you would also have an S&M Rabbit girl with you too. If we are continuing the Star Wars analogy, Sky Pirate and S&M Rabbit are clearly Han and Chewie. Except they have a lot more sex. I assume. Who knows what happened on those lonely nights on the Millennium Falcon.

Sky Pirates's Job: Sky Pirate
Sky Pirates's Weapon: Double Fisting Ye Olde Pirate Blunderbuss Guns
Sky Pirates's Most Awesome Limit Break: "Tides of Fate," Get it? Tides. It's a pirate joke!  
Sky Pirates's real name, apparently: "Balthier," which is a great pirate name

Ed Ranks the 5 W's (and one H)

The answer to all of the questions
to the left is "Kate Beckinsale."

6. What?

This one is ranked the lowest because stupid people chanting it constantly in WWE crowds, well over 15 years after it stopped being funny. 

5. How? 

You're not even a W. You're an H. You don't belong here. Go back to the other side of the tracks.

4. When?

I mean, eventually. Let's deal with more important issues first though.

3. Where?

Does the location really matter that much? Let's just get shit done. 

2. Who?

Is there an owl in here?

1. Why?

Since the premise of these rankings is for them to be "meaningless, irrational, arbitrary listicles to fill your existential void," I suppose the real answer to "Why?" is that there is no actual reason.

Ed Ranks Songs on A7X's City of Evil (2005)

Pre-2005 Metalcore Avenged Sevenfold is mediocre, everybody knows that.  And now that I've gotten that blanket statement out of the way:

11. Strength of the World (9:14) - Geez, a song over nine minutes? What is this, a Guns N' Roses vanity album? Ain't nobody got time for that.

10. The Wicked End (7:10) - Mary. Six Hundred and Sixty Six. Apples. Adam. Way too many biblical references. Who has time for all this bible stuff in an A7X song? Am I trying to rock out or is this Sunday school? Oh wait... what's that? The name Avenged Sevenfold itself is already Genesis 4:24 reference?  Ah, never mind then. It's not like this is a bad song. Every song on this album is good. Why else would A7X have won MTV's best new artist award that year over people like Rhianna and Chris Brown. Hey, I wonder whatever happened to those two.

9. Blinded in Chains (6:34) - Shouldn't it be binded in chains? No wait. That's poor English. It would be "bound" in chains. Forget I said anything. So they blind someone and put them in chains? Hey WAIT A MINUTE... is this a reference to Byzantine Emperor Isaac II and the Fourth Crusade?

8. Sidewinder (7:01) - Why aren't songs from the POV of crotalus cerastes rattlesnakes more popular? I know, I know--it's possible the "sidewinder" could also be referring to Bitis peringueyi pitviper of Namibia and southern Angola. But  A7X is from Huntington Beach, so I'm going to assume it's the aforementioned Crotalus genus of the southwestern United States.

7. M.I.A. (8:48) - A song about war and soldiers dying. That's pretty metal. But also long. Super long.

6. Seize the Day (5:32) - Speaking of talking about dying, Seize the Day talks about dying a lot. But talking about seizing the day and living life to the fullest before you die? How metal is that? Not very.

5. Trashed and Scattered (5:53) - What the hell does "Sedated nights to the bar room fights as metropolis takes its toll" even mean? Are these just random words strung together?

4. Betrayed (6:47) - This song is pretty obviously about Dimebag Darrell.

3. Burn It Down (5:00) - "Hatred fuels my blood, I'll burn ya down. One king to watch the horsemen fall, I'll fight 'til the end. I can't trust anyone, see it in my eyes. Now I can understand, it's sorrow that feeds your lies." Now those are proper metal lyrics, people. This is also City of Evil's shortest song, at just 5 minutes. Which is exactly two "Them Bones by Alice in Chains" (TBbAiC) long. I typically measure all songs in TBbAiCs. "Stairway to Heaven?" 4.016 TBbAiCs. "American Pie?" 4.275 TBbAiCs.

2. Beast and the Harlot (5:42) - Another bible-ey song, but this one is super super awesome. It's all about the fall of Babylon, Dante's Inferno, and the Book of Revelation. But more important is that main riff though. Total Guitar magazine called it the 14th greatest guitar riff of all time. Or at least Wikipedia says that Total Guitar magazine says that. Who am I to do independent research of my own? This is Ed Ranks Everything, not the New York Times. This song also segues nicely into "Burn it Down."

Yes. This.

1. Bat Country (5:13) - I know (now) that this is supposed to be a reference to Hunter S. Thompson's Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but honestly this is just "the Castlevania song" to me. Well, actually almost every song from an A7X album sounds like it could be a cover of some background music to a Castlevania video game. And that's why A7X is awesome. But really, all this talk about bats and stuff. I was sure this was supposed to be a reference to Simon questing against Dracula and all his bats and shit. Whatever, in my head this song is still exactly about that.

• "Caught here in a fiery blaze" - referring to the fire whip, obviously. 
• "I tried to drive on through the night" - referring to powering through the day/night switch in Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest (e.g. What a horrible night for a curse), obviously. 
• "Too many doses and I'm starting to get an attraction" - a warning to not waste your potions when you are near full HP, obviously.
• "As I adjust to my new sights" - referring to the Timeless Vision ability used by Alucard in Castlevania: Revelations, obviously. 
• "I'll make a beast out of myself" - referring to Grant Danasty, who was turned into a monster by Dracula's magic in Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse, obviously.
• "These good ideas will tear your brains apart" - Brain Floats, obviously.
• "Scared but you can follow me" - again, referring to the optional Castlevania III companions that can follow you, obviously. 
• And so on. 

Ed Ranks Things Named "Ex Machina"

Oh, I did a ranking on Dues Ex Machina film endings in the past. But this ranking is completely different, I swear! This one is about things named "Ex Machina." See? Totally different!

7. Deus Ex Machina, the leader of the sentient machines in The Matrix Revolutions - Well this one was just stupid. Watch the first Matrix. Pretend the latter two never happened.

6. Deus Ex Machina, an episode of the sixth series of Waking the Dead - Not to be confused with The Walking Dead. Yeah, I get it. You've probably messed up with this on your DVR, right? This is the one that is a British police procedural crime drama featuring a Cold Case unit.

5. Deus Ex, a series of first-person video games - I never played these. Also, technically it doesn't have the "Machina" in the name, so it doesn't belong here. Whatever.

4. Deus Ex Machina, a Season One episode of Lost - Season One of Lost was great, so this is a good Ex Machina. If this had been a Season Four or beyond episode, then it would be garbage.

3. Deus Ex Machina, a Singaporean death metal/thrash metal band - I have no idea who these guys are or what they sound like, but I bet they are super awesome.

2. Dues Ex Machina, a trope within Greek tragic plays -  Whereby a machine is used to bring actors playing gods onto the stage to instantly resolve the story's plot through supreme powers. This is also how every episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine ended, except they came out of wormholes.

1. This, the only reason I even created this ranking: 

I lied above. This list is not different at all. I just wanted to post this again. It's been a while. 

Ed Ranks Movies whe--HOLY SHIT, MATT DAMON IS IN THIS?

Sometimes you're watching a movie and you say to yourself, "HOLY SHIT, MATT DAMON IS IN THIS?"  Because you didn't even know Matt Damon was supposed to be in this... and yet there he is!

Why is this? Well, sometimes this is because it's a film from before 1997/1998ish (when Damon got really famous after Good Will Hunting). So you saw the film a long time ago and now, after seeing it again, you are stunned by the fact that Damon was in it the whole time.  But a lot of times, even after Matt Damon got really famous, he just unexpectedly cameos in films.

Note that this ranking goes by how likely it is you will be surprised to see Matt Damon in this film. Not by the quality of the film itself. I have 11 ranked here because I thought it was 10 but then I miscounted. Math was never my strong point.

11. Chasing Amy (Damon as Executive #2)  - Chasing Amy came out in April 1997, about eight months before the release of Good Will Hunting and about a year before the latter film gave Damon an Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay and made him a household name.  If you saw Chasing Amy when it came out in 1997, chances are you had no idea who the hell Matt Damon was (unless you were either Matt Damon's mother or Ben Affleck).  But now in hindsight and after years of Kevin Smith films that feature Affleck and Damon in either leading or cameo roles -- chances are you will not be at all surprised that Damon is in this. Maybe just a tiny bit surprised with a reaction of, "Oh, that makes sense."

Who was he? Oh. Private Ryan.

10. Saving Private Ryan (Damon as Private Ryan) - Damon had JUST become famous and won his Academy Award a few months before Saving Private Ryan came out in 1998. Not everybody watches the Academy Awards or cares about artsy Miramax dramas about the relationship between a self-taught South Boston genius janitor and a psychology professor. Given that, Damon was relatively famous when this film came out, but not SUPER famous. When I saw Saving Private Ryan, I had no idea who Matt Damon was. So years later when I saw it again, I was like, "HOLY SHIT, MATT DAMON IS PRIVATE RYAN?!"  I expect some people had this reaction for a number of years.  It's easy to forget he's in it because Private Ryan doesn't even show up in the film until pretty late. But generally, now it's pretty well known that Matt Damon is Private Ryan. You're far more likely to have your Holy Shit! moment when watching this film when you realize that the rest of the cast included other not-quite-that-famous-yet people like Vin Diesel, Paul Giamatti, Bryan Cranston, and Nathan Fillion.

9. School Ties (Damon as Charlie Dillon) - When this 1992 film came out, nobody who saw it knew who Matt Damon was. If those same people saw it years later they were probably like, "HOLY SHIT, MATT DAMON IS IN  THIS?"  And that's the whole point of this list, isn't it?  I'll rank this one fairly low though because 1) Who cares about School Ties? and 2) Ben Affleck is in this, so if you remember or knew that, it great;y reduces the likelihood that you'd be surprised by Matt Damon being in it too.

8.  Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (Damon as Bachelor Matt) - Remember this 2002 comedy about gameshow host/producer/songwriter/spy Chuck Barris? Not really? Well, we'll carry on anyway.  In case you didn't know, Barris hosted (among other things such as Gong), The Dating Game. Not surprisingly, there is a scene in this movie featuring The Dating Game. Matt Damon showed up in that scene, playing "Bachelor Matt" (creative, right?).  I suppose it is indeed surprising that Matt Damon had a cameo in this, but not ULTRA surprising considering that this film was the directoral debut of George Clooney, who had co-starred with Damon in Ocean's Eleven the year before.

7. Che  (Damon as Father Schwarz) - What the hell is Matt Damon doing in this 2008 biopic about Ernesto "Che" Guevara, starring in a cameo role as a Spanish-speaking German priest? Nobody knows.  You should be pretty surprised when you see his ass pop up.

6. Mystic Pizza (Damon as Steamer) - Matt Damon was 17 when he had a smallish role (his film debut) in this Julia Roberts film. Note that this was before Roberts was in Pretty Woman or Steel Magnolias, so people barely knew who the hell she was. She didn't even get top billing.  The film wasn't that big when it came out, and only generated a cult following later. For that reason, chances are fairly good that if you see this film you'll be like "HOLY SHIT, BABY MATT DAMON IS IN THIS?"

5. Courage Under Fire  (Damon as Specialist Ilario) -  OH SHIT! Specialist Ilario is Matt Damon? HOW DID I NOT KNOW THAT?! Oh right, because nobody knew who the hell Matt Damon was when this movie came out.

4. Finding Forrester (Damon as Sanderson) - He's the man now, dawg. Why the hell does this movie end with Matt Damon randomly showing up a year after the events of the movie to announce to Rob Brown that Sean Connery has died of cancer for no particular reason? Is Matt Damon contractually obliged to make odd, jarring cameos?

Yes. THIS is a Matt Damon film.

3. EuroTrip (Damon as Donny) - An R-Rated, low budget, raunchy teen sex comedy about that girl who everyone hated on Buffy the Vampire Slayer going to Europe. Let me point out by this time in Matt Damon's career he has already won an Academy Award for Good Will Hunting, and was an A-List action movie superstar through Jason Bourne films. There was absolutely no reason Matt Damon needed to, or should have, showed up in a cameo role in an R-Rated, low budget, rauncy teen sex comedy about that girl who everyone hated on Buffy the Vampire Slayer going to Europe. And yet this happened.

2. Interstellar - (Damon as Dr. Mann) - Big budget sci-fi epic by Chris Nolan. Nolan was at the top of his game when this film came out after the Batman Trilogy, Inception, and other flicks. Everyone knew this movie was going to be big and had a HUGE cast.  Matthew McConaughey, Anne Hathaway, Jessica Chastain, John Lithgow, Michael Caine, and so on. Occasionally throughout the film they reference this guy name Dr. Mann. Then finally Dr. Mann shows up and HOLY SHIT, MATT DAMON IS IN THIS?!?!?!  Anbd not only is it They had ads for this all over TV. Everyone knew who was going to be in it. But they kept the Damon part a secret and he just randomly shows up. Admittedly maybe we should have guessed since there was an Affleck in this film... but it was Rapey Casey Affleck, not Molestey Ben.

1. Thor: Ragnarok (Damon as Loki Actor) - Oh, spoiler alert, by the way. It's been a month. Now this one is your fault is some surprise was ruined for you.