Ed Ranks the 1992 Dream Team

Even better than the actual Olympics.

The 1992 United States men's Olympic basketball team, nicknamed the "Dream Team", was the first American Olympic team to feature active NBA players.  It was mainly made up of legends and future Hall-of-Famers. But it also had Christian Fucking Laettner, so there's that.

12. Christian Laettner - At the time, they claimed that they wanted one collegiate player to be on the Dream Team to serve as an acknowledgment of the previous "amateur" nature of the Olympics. In reality, it was probably just because Michael Jordan really, really, really, REALLY hated Isiah Thomas and didn't want him on the team, so they filled his slot with a college guy just coming into the NBA. Do you know who else was a college guy just coming into the NBA this same year? Shaq.  This was a terrible, terrible choice. Also, FUCK DUKE.

11. John Stockton - Sorry John Stockton, but you were pretty much there to carry Karl Malone's bags. Stockton also barely even played and put up the most mediocre stats. I think he was injured though.

10. Chris Mullin - If a random sampling of people were quizzed on the 1992 Dream Team and told to name all the players on it, I guarantee you the one that most people would forget would be Chris Mullin. Mullin wasn't close the worst, but at least terrible people like Christian Laettner are memorable for how terrible they are. Chris Mullin is just nothing.  Chris Mullin is a Coldplay song. Chris Mullin in unseasoned, boiled chicken. Chris Mullin is socks as a Christmas gift. Stat-wise, Mullin was actually quite good at the games. He was the top 3P thrower (twice as effective from the 3P range as Bird) and was the fourth highest scoring player on the team. Still, he's Chris Mullin so no way he can rank higher than 10. Is that fair? No. No it's not.


9. Clyde Drexler - Clyde barely got on the team and I'm sure he's also happy about Jordan's eternal hatred for Isiah Thomas in helping to assure that happened. He did fairly well too, like Mullin.

8. Patrick Ewing - I don't really like Patrick Ewing, so I'll put him down here out of spite and with no regard to his actual statistics during play. I'm not sure this guy ever made a single 3P in his entire career. He didn't even bother to try at the Olympics.

Pictured: Larry Bird

7. Larry Bird - Larry Bird was 1,000 years old when the 1992 Olympics happened. But then again, Larry Bird was always 1,000 years old. I'm sure if you look at pictures of him from middle school, he looks like an old man. Larry Bird is a Benjamin Button who is born old and yet somehow gets even older rather than younger.

6. David Robinson - Remember when David Robinson was supposed to be a thing? Everyone thought he'd be one of the legends. Sure, he wound up having a great career where he went to the All Star game 10 times and even won the MVP award once. He's in the Hall of Fame. But he never quite lived up to the rest of his Dream Team cohorts.

5. Scottie Pippen - I'd say he was just here to carry Michael Jordan's bags, but then again Scottie did okay at the games.

4. Magic Johnson - This ranking is 90% sentiment and 10% for his performance. In fact, Johnson pretty much sucked. He was out for two games with a knee injury, and in one of the six games he played in he didn't even start. In the entire Olympics he only made 17 FG in 30 attempts, averaging only 8 points a game. But Johnson's story is the story of a triumphant comeback after an HIV diagnosis. Crowds stood up and cheered for him and he was an inspiring story about a man battling (and raising awareness to seek a cure to) a terrible disease. Everybody balled out tears and cheered whenever they saw Johnson score.

3. Michael Jordan - Jordan was sloppier than his usual self at the 1992 Olympics. His FG% was only .451 - the second worst on the team and only .001% better than the worst, Christian Laettner. Still, he WAS ball hog Michael Jordan, so he wound up with the second most FGM (51) and averaged the second-most points per game (14.9).

2. Karl Malone - Karl Malone love to shoot squirrel. Karl Malone also love ranking #1 in FTM (24), #1 in RPG (5.3, tied with Ewing), #2 in FG% (.645), #3 in FGM (40), and #3 in PPG (13.0).

At least he didn't do a Chaos Dunk though.

1. Charles Barkley - This dude dominated the Olympics. His FG% was .711. That's INSANE. That's almost 1972-1973 Wilt Chamberlain good. You know what's even more insane? His 3P% was .875.  Given those stats, it's pretty obvious that Barkley wound up having the most FG (59) and led the Dream Team in points per game (18).  The only negative part of Barkley's dominance was the fact that he was sort of an "anti-Magic Johnson" figure. While Johnson inspired awe and applause, Barkely's domination made the US sometimes appear to be bullies out to beat up on the rest of the world.  Barkley was especially criticized for a rough elbow to an Angolan player in the first game of the Olympics. In his defense, many claimed that he was putting the rest of the world "on notice" that the Dream Team were there to kick ass. And they did.