Ed Ranks Law & Order Detectives

DUN DUN.

Only from the main Law & Order series. Not SVU, Criminal Intent, or any of those 30 other spinoffs. Also, this is only for the detectives. Not the police supervisors, prosecutors, district attorneys, etc.

11. Nicolas "Nick" Falco (Michael Imperioli) - This guy was on the show for like five episodes or something. I don't remember why. Probably because Jesse L. Martin was out filming Rent and they needed a replacement.  That's a total guess, but I'm probably right.

10. Nina Cassady (Milena Govich) - Only around for one season. I barely even remember her.

9. Joseph "Joe" Fontana (Dennis Farina) - Sorry Dennis Farina. It's not that you were a bad actor. You were a great actor. You just had the misfortune of following up Jerry Orbach. And that's not really fair to anyone.

8. Maxwell "Max" Greevy (George Dzundza) - I know some people can be sentimental to the "original" cast. But you know who wasn't sentimental? The Law & Order writers who decided to have a stuntman replace him in the first episode of Season 2 and immediately cap his ass in the opening scene. It's one thing to write someone out. You can always do that in a way where they retire or transfer, so that you can bring them back later (e.g. Chris Noth). With Dzunda, they were like "nope... your ass is NEVER coming back."

7. Cyrus Lupo (Jeremy Sisto) - By the time Jeremy Sisto was on this show... did anyone still actually watch it? This is not a hypothetical question. "No" is the answer.

6. Kevin Bernard (Anthony Anderson)- Like Sisto, Anthony Anderson was in the show pretty late, after people stopped caring. These late season episodes aren't the episodes that anyone watches in constant cable reruns.  No insult to Anthony Anderson though. This dude has range. It's sometimes hard to believe that the same dude who was Det. Bernard on L&O was also Antwon Mitchell from The Shield and also an acclaimed comedian. And when I say "acclaimed comedian" I am NOT referring to Kangaroo Jack. This guy's filmography makes him almost too good an actor to have been on this show.

5. Philip "Phil" Cerreta (Paul Sorvino) - Sorvino had a good run. I'm not going to talk about Paul Sorvino here though. I'm going to talk about his daughter, Mira.  I thought I was being hilarious last April when I joked about the reasons why Mira Sorvino vanished from Hollywood. It was meant to be a light-hearted attempt to jest about those actors like Brendan Frasier that suddenly disappear and are never cast anymore. In hindsight, now we all know she was blackballed by a powerful serial rapist in an industry which turned its eye to rampant sexual assault and "casting couch" attitudes.  So now I just feel like a giant dick. Sorry Paul and Mira. I never really thought Mira was eaten by a shark.

4. Reynaldo "Rey" Curtis (Benjamin Bratt) - Bratt was a perfectly fine detective, but also sort of "meh." He ranks this high simply for lasting like 100 episodes.

3. Edward "Ed" Green (Jesse L. Martin) - Jesse Martin was great and his character was great. But every time he appeared on screen I was always on the edge of my seat, expecting him to suddenly burst into "525,600 Minutes."

2. Michael "Mike" Logan (Chris Noth) - Who didn't like Mike Logan?  Chris Noth will always be Mike Logan to me, not Mr. Big.  Even after he left the show, they made a spin-off TV movie with the Logan character. Later he showed up on Criminal Intent. Any Logan rerun on cable is a definite watch rather than a channel flip.

You can just see him calling people "Schmuck"

1. Leonard "Lennie" Wilbur Briscoe (Jerry Orbach) - There is nobody else who could be #1. If Jerry Orbach had stayed healthy, he would have been on this show forever. This guy was in 273 damn episodes. Only S. Epatha Merkerson  and Sam Waterston were in more. Lennie Briscoe was the best. Most Law & Order characters had paper-thin personalities. You didn't know anything about their personal lives. They were simply replaceable cogs in the plot exhibition machine to drive forward cases "ripped from the headlines." But with Brisco, you always got attitude and personality. Wise-cracking. A recovering alcoholic. Plenty of ex-wives. Also, nobody puts baby in a corner. I don't think I could finish this without mentioning that.