Oh man, what a year it was! Time to look back and reflect on everything. But it's too bad I haven't gotten a chance to catch up on everything that has happened yet. I'm actually a little behind on things. So I'm still going to rank events of 2017. Alas, it will have to be 2017 BC.
Here are the top 10:
10. The First "Chick-fil-A" is Opened in Caral - This one is pretty
self-explanatory. This was the year that the the pre-Colombian Norte
Chico civilization of north-central coastal Peru opened up their first
Chick-fil-A in Caral. 3963 years later, the next one would open up in
Hapeville, Georgia. White people like claiming that the Georgia one is
the first one though, because White people like stealing shit and claiming they invented it.
9. Mentuhotep II made out with his sister, Neferu II - Isn't it gross that Egyptian pharaohs would sometimes marry their sisters? What are they--Targaryens or something? Anyway... Mentuhotep II was already married to his first wife, Tem, when he started hooking up with Neferu. Nasty!!!
8. Abraham was at the height of his "Emo" phase - Abraham lived 175 years and 2017 BC was the absolute worst of all 175 of those years because that was when he was at the peak of his Emo phase. It's a good thing he decided to stop listening to "My Chemical Romance" and would instead go on to make a covenant with the Lord.
7. Zeus Gave a Golden Shower to Danaë - in 2017 BC, King Acrisius
of Argos locked his daughter, Danaë, in a tomb because he had traveled
to the Oracle of Delphi and received a chilling prophesy that his own
grandson would one day murder him. As Acrisius had but one child, he knew that
preventing his daughter (the aforementioned Danaë) from ever having
offspring of her own would halt this prophesy. Alas, mighty Zeus of
Olympus was enchanted by Danaë's beauty and transformed himself into R.
Kelly. In the guise of R. Kelly, he peed on Danaë. But, as Zeus is a
god, his pee was magic and got Danaë pregnant. Danaë would soon give
birth to Perseus. Years later, Perseus would participate
in funerary games in the city of Larissa. There, he would accidentally
strike Acrisius on the head with a discus, killing him and fulfilling
the prophecy.
6. Neo-Sumerian King Shulgi of Ur Invents the Word "Ziggurat" - It's hard to believe it's been 4034 years since Shulgi was hanging out with the boys and said, "Bros, I need to come up with the craziest word of all time." So he and the homeboys kept suggesting insane sounding words like "Cattywampus" and "Widdershins." Finally, Shulgi was like, "Hey, what about Ziggurat?" and everyone burst into laughter. After that point, they decided to built these crazy, large temple complexes and just named them all "Ziggurats" as an inside joke.
5. That really cute Druid girl, Brigid, got sacrificed at Stonehenge -
EVERYBODY knows that from the period between 2280 BC to 1930 BC,
Stonehenge was at its peak. The bluestones were re-arranged in a circle
format between the two rings of sarsens and an oval was placed at the center of
the inner ring with the Altar Stone
re-erected vertically. But what people are less aware of is the fact that Brigid
(that really hot ginger Druid girl with the cute freckles) was
sacrificed upon the Altar Stone EXACTLY in the year 2017 BC. You'd think
that being named "Brigid" would have helped her out, what with her name
being an evocation of "the exalted one," a goddess who was the daughter
of the Dagda and wife of Bres, with whom she had a son named Ruadán.
But alas, it wasn't enough to save Brigid from having her neck slashed on the summer solstice to appease the gods and ensure a bountiful harvest.
4. The Minoans Invent Cretan Hieroglyphs in Order to Write Erotic Poetry about Britomartis - As you might or might not be aware, it was in September of 2017 BC that Agafya of Kydonia (modern day Chania) invented the Cretan hieroglyphic language. Cretan hieroglyphs are, of course, a precursor language to Linear A. Why did Agafya invent a language? Because he was really, really, REALLY into Britomartis, a goddess of mountains and hunting. Agafya invented a language so that he could write HOT, HOT, HOT sexy stories about Britomartis engaging in dirty sexual acts. As Britomartis was generally interpreted as a virgin goddess, this was especially provocative. Unfortunately, the exact SEXY stories about Britomartis are unknown to this day, as the Cretan hieroglyphic language remains undeciphered.
3. Assyrian King Shalim-ahum Ordered that Beer Vat to be Built by the Temple - Oh man, that was so sweet, right? Remember when Shalim-ahum said that the mighty East Semetic solar god, Ashur, ordered him to build a temple in his honor? It seemed to be a truly divine calling, but then Shalim-ahum diverted half the funds for the temple so that he could have a sweet-ass vat to brew beer in. Yeah, he put the vat right next to the temple and claimed that it was "part of the temple complex." Nice move, Shalim-ahum... but we see what you did there! For the rest of his reign it was keg parties every day.
2. Doc Brown and Marty almost start the Industrial Revolution Too Early After they Misplace the DeLorean in Phong Châu - Who can forget that time that Dr. Emmett Brown and Marty McFly took their time-traveling DeLorean DMC-12 back to ancient Phong Châu to check up on how things were going during the third dynasty of Hùng kings in the land which is now known as Vietnam? They thought parking the DeLorean in that cave would be a great idea... but when one of leaders of the native Cấn people found the DeLorean and figured out how to use it... they almost changed the course of world history by jump-starting the Industrial Revolution a whole 37 centuries too early! It was a shame that the Doc and Marty had to brutally execute every Cấn native who had been in contact with the DeLorean to ensure that none of their knowledge forever changed history.
1. Behold, For Ten Suns Rose from the East to Scorch the Fields and Turn the World into a Wasteland - Oh shit... it was just the WORST when TEN different suns rose one morning to punish mankind for its sins by cleansing the world with fire. Fortunately for mankind, before the ten suns got too far west to destroy all of humanity, famous Chinese archer Hou Yi shot down nine of the ten suns, leaving only the last one. Which is EXACTLY the amount of suns we needed. You'd think Hou Yi would forever have remained in favor after such an accomplishment. Alas, Hou Yi would become a conceited and tyrannical man. He tried to live forever and sought to get an elixir of immortality from Xiwangmu, the Queen Mother of the West. Eventually he would be betrayed by his lieutenant, Han Zhuo, in the eighth year of the reign of Tai Kang's nephew, King Xiang of Xia. Despite the tragic eventual fall from grace of Hou Yi, we really have GOT to thank him for that whole "too many suns" thing.
Here are the top 10:
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| The second pyramid of Caral was, of course, an Arbys. |
9. Mentuhotep II made out with his sister, Neferu II - Isn't it gross that Egyptian pharaohs would sometimes marry their sisters? What are they--Targaryens or something? Anyway... Mentuhotep II was already married to his first wife, Tem, when he started hooking up with Neferu. Nasty!!!
8. Abraham was at the height of his "Emo" phase - Abraham lived 175 years and 2017 BC was the absolute worst of all 175 of those years because that was when he was at the peak of his Emo phase. It's a good thing he decided to stop listening to "My Chemical Romance" and would instead go on to make a covenant with the Lord.
 |
| How could Zeus resist this? |
6. Neo-Sumerian King Shulgi of Ur Invents the Word "Ziggurat" - It's hard to believe it's been 4034 years since Shulgi was hanging out with the boys and said, "Bros, I need to come up with the craziest word of all time." So he and the homeboys kept suggesting insane sounding words like "Cattywampus" and "Widdershins." Finally, Shulgi was like, "Hey, what about Ziggurat?" and everyone burst into laughter. After that point, they decided to built these crazy, large temple complexes and just named them all "Ziggurats" as an inside joke.
 |
| But WHAT A VIEW for her last few minutes! |
4. The Minoans Invent Cretan Hieroglyphs in Order to Write Erotic Poetry about Britomartis - As you might or might not be aware, it was in September of 2017 BC that Agafya of Kydonia (modern day Chania) invented the Cretan hieroglyphic language. Cretan hieroglyphs are, of course, a precursor language to Linear A. Why did Agafya invent a language? Because he was really, really, REALLY into Britomartis, a goddess of mountains and hunting. Agafya invented a language so that he could write HOT, HOT, HOT sexy stories about Britomartis engaging in dirty sexual acts. As Britomartis was generally interpreted as a virgin goddess, this was especially provocative. Unfortunately, the exact SEXY stories about Britomartis are unknown to this day, as the Cretan hieroglyphic language remains undeciphered.
3. Assyrian King Shalim-ahum Ordered that Beer Vat to be Built by the Temple - Oh man, that was so sweet, right? Remember when Shalim-ahum said that the mighty East Semetic solar god, Ashur, ordered him to build a temple in his honor? It seemed to be a truly divine calling, but then Shalim-ahum diverted half the funds for the temple so that he could have a sweet-ass vat to brew beer in. Yeah, he put the vat right next to the temple and claimed that it was "part of the temple complex." Nice move, Shalim-ahum... but we see what you did there! For the rest of his reign it was keg parties every day.
 |
| This was almost worse than the Grays Sports Almanac thing. |
1. Behold, For Ten Suns Rose from the East to Scorch the Fields and Turn the World into a Wasteland - Oh shit... it was just the WORST when TEN different suns rose one morning to punish mankind for its sins by cleansing the world with fire. Fortunately for mankind, before the ten suns got too far west to destroy all of humanity, famous Chinese archer Hou Yi shot down nine of the ten suns, leaving only the last one. Which is EXACTLY the amount of suns we needed. You'd think Hou Yi would forever have remained in favor after such an accomplishment. Alas, Hou Yi would become a conceited and tyrannical man. He tried to live forever and sought to get an elixir of immortality from Xiwangmu, the Queen Mother of the West. Eventually he would be betrayed by his lieutenant, Han Zhuo, in the eighth year of the reign of Tai Kang's nephew, King Xiang of Xia. Despite the tragic eventual fall from grace of Hou Yi, we really have GOT to thank him for that whole "too many suns" thing.
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