Ed Ranks 10 Random Fantasy Quests

Does this mean anything to you? Because I'm drawing a blank.

I don't really understand how Dungeons & Dragons and similar games work, but hey... not knowing anything about the subject I'm talking about hasn't stopped me from ranking things in the past before.  So I went over to Donjon.bin.sh and headed to its Random Fantasy Quest Generator, to make up 10 random fantasy quests that you might enjoy. Or might not. Whatever.

10. A dwarf named Jorni seeks a company of adventurers to clear his name against charges of treason. However, the quest is a trap.

Eh. This seems pretty boring. I don't want an episode of Perry Mason... I want a D&D adventure!

9. A wealthy ex-adventurer named Evel seeks a company of adventurers to hunt down and capture the cunning rogue Duca. However, her information is completely wrong.

Evel? Bad name. Also it's a little sexist for this woman to be called "Evel." I know this is "random" so the sexism might not be intentional. But then again this randomizer also has a "Random Harlot Generator" so yeah, it's probably sexist. I do like the fact that she's hunting down a cunning rogue. The "cunning" party really sells it. She's probably not going to have a lot of luck with the wrong information though.

Oh these elf ladies and their quests.

8. A shady elven lady named Cena seeks a company of adventurers to hunt down and capture the brutal murderer Kreliva.

I just like that this elf lady is named "Cena" like she's about to do a standing fireman's carry takeover (AKA "FU" or "Attitude Adjustment" on Brock Lesnar or something. What is this elf girl doing? Why, she wants to hunt down and capture a brutal murderer. And the murderer gets a name too! Kreliva! I love Kreliva as a name! Once she captures Kreliva, I assume she's going to hit him or her with a Stepover Toehold Facelock (STF).

7. An elven lady named Nimlye seeks a company of adventurers to hunt down and kill Abunit the Indomitable. However, the party soon finds itself facing a moral quandry.

OooOoooo... another "elven lady." Not a woman or a girl or anything. This is a fancy "lady" like she's a noblewoman. Are all elf females ladies, based on these last two? Anyway, Nimlye (great elf lady name, by the way) wants to to kill Abunit the Indomitable. Eh. That doesn't do much for me. Also, I just wanted to point out that this generator spelled the word "quandary" wrong.

6. A priest named Prosilio seeks a company of adventurers to hunt down and kill Gisama the Bloody.

It's sort of cool that this priest wants to hunt down and kill people. That doesn't sound very priestly. So maybe Prosilio is doing this whole quest on the down low. A guy name Gisama the Bloody does sound like he's someone that needs to be killed though.

You probably don't want to play Cee-lo in the hood with these.

5. An arrogant ex-adventurer named Evel seeks a company of adventurers to protect her from the assassins of the Hag of the Marsh of Pestilence. However, the party soon finds itself facing a moral quandry.

Evel again? SHIT! And this time she's also specifically defined as "arrogant." What a sexist, terrible generator. It supposedly has thousands and thousands of options, and it misogynisticly names a woman "Evel" twice? Anyway. She needs people to protect her from the assassins of the Hag of the Marsh of Pestilence? No. That's way too many "ofs." The X of the X of X. No. Also, I just wanted to point out that this generator spelled the word "quandary" wrong. Again.

4.  A shady ex-adventurer named Phughye seeks a company of adventurers to investigate runes of ice which have appeared in the Moor of the Fallen.

Phughye is an awful name. And how can this person be an ex-adventurer if he's about to go on an adventure? That would make him an adventurer again by default. Runes of ice? It sounds pretty cool, but how exactly would these runestones be made of ice? It seems like an impractical thing to write your ancient Germanic inscriptions on. All it has to do is get above 32 degrees F / 0 C and then they melt away. Moor of the Fallen is an awesome fictional location though. I'm all about the Moor of the Fallen.

Say hi to Qaboos bin Said al Said while you're here.

3. A shady ex-adventurer named Adneyth seeks a company of adventurers to hunt down and kill the Hag of the Muscat Desert. Moreover, the party encounters an old ally now working against them.

Shady ex-adventurer? There sure do seem to be a lot of "ex-adventurers" as the main characters of these adventure quests. Lazy writing. But being shady is cool. Adneyth is a cool name too. They also want to hunt down and kill the Hag (sexist! I'm sure she's a perfectly nice old lady) of the Muscat Desert. Hrm. Muscat? I always picture these stories happening in pseudo-European fantasy lands. The capital of Oman sounds cool though too. Also, an old ally that is now working against you is a great addition to the plot.

2. An angry noblewoman named Dina seeks a company of adventurers to find and explore the ancient ruins of Bolga Stronghold. Moreover, the party must complete the quest without killing anyone.

Why does this woman have to be angry? You know if it was a man they would say "determined" or "confident" or something. Anyway, Dina seeks the some adventurers to help her explore the Bolga Stronghold. I really like how this Stronghold isn't explained at all. What a mystery! Is it a fortress? A tower? A castle? Whatever it is, it's nice. And it's not just a stronghold... it's the RUINS of a Stronghold. That makes it sound ancient and awesome. Not having to kill anyone though? Okay. I guess Dina is sort of like Batman. If she specifically doesn't want to kill anyone... then she doesn't sound that angry.

Everyone loves Tyrion!

1. A charming dwarf named Eyvill Natison seeks a company of adventurers to discover who is murdering his peers, and why.

A charming dwarf? I love it. I'm obviously thinking about Tyrion Lannister. Although his name is terrible. "Eyvill?" Yikes. That's no good at all. Although maybe it is SO BAD IT IS GOOD? A quest to discover who is murdering his peers and why? NICE! Okay, Eyvill, you've recovered and won back my love. But who are your peers, exactly? I want to know more about this charming dwarf's life. Is someone killing other dwarves? Hrm. Now that I was thinking about it, I was initially thinking about "dwarf" like short person, but now I think they're talking about dwarves like Gimli. That's less interesting. Whatever, this is still better than the others. Plus there is a MYSTERY. 

Ed Ranks Rooms in Clue by How Likely You'll Find Kid Rock in Them

You might or might not recall that in 2017, I ranked the rooms in the board game "Clue."

That was an awesome list, but this list is totally different. That list was all about how great those rooms are. This list simply analyzes how likely it is that you will find "musician" Kid Rock (quotation marks intended) in any of those individual rooms in a mansion. This time I'll include the Cellar, which I didn't last time. I don't know why. I just feel like it.

Unfortunately for Kid Rock, there is no "Waffle House" room in Clue.

10. Library - There is no damn way you would ever find Kid Rock in any sort of library. I'm around 70% certain that he's illiterate. He's only able to order from the Waffle House menu because it has pictures.

9. Study - Similar to the library, I don't think Kid Rock spends a great deal of time sitting down doing desk work or reading. I know what you're thinking (or maybe I don't, but I'm guessing)...you're thinking "Hey, Kid Rock writes what some people could refer to as music. Since he writes music, wouldn't he spend a lot of time in something like a study?" The answer is no. Kid Rock simply samples Metallica songs from the radio and then comes up with new, terrible lyrics for them. In a Waffle House.

8.  Dining Room - Kid Rock does not eat meals in any sort of formal "dining room." I'm sure he just eats sitting on a couch or maybe just straight out of the fridge, standing there in front of it. I bet you're expecting a Waffle House joke now as a place where he eats instead, but no. This entry will not include one of those jokes. Unless you argue that me referencing that it won't have a Waffle House joke as, in fact, a Waffle House joke. You might have a fairly good argument there, actually.

7. Conservatory - Look, I'm not saying that it's likely you could find Kid Rock in a conservatory. However, you do grow plants in conservatories. It's possible that Kid Rock could simply be inside of a conservatory because he's trying to grow some weed in there.

6. Cellar - You might find Kid Rock down in a cellar, perhaps looking for wine or something like that which would be kept in a cellar. But he could only be looking for wine if all of the cheap, shit beer he likes is gone. Kid Rock is a millionaire so he should be able to drink good beer. Yet he doesn't. I am almost certain he drinks shit beer.

This might be what his ballroom looks like.

5. Ballroom - While a ballroom might be designed for fancy, formal ball dances that are not really Kid Rock's thing, chances are you still might find him in this room. It's a pretty big and open room, and ballrooms are designed to have enough space for a band to play in them. Kid Rock probably might have a ball room, but if he does he uses it as some sort of jamming room to play "music" in.

4. Hall -  A hall is basically the same thing as a ball room, so he could also be jamming in here too. I think halls are more common, so this one ranks higher.

3. Lounge - Lounge is a fancy word for "living room," and living rooms have couches and TVs. There is a very good chance you will find Kid Rock in a lounge, probably laying across an entire couch with his shoes still on. If he wears shoes. Does he wear boots instead? Maybe he wears boots because he probably thinks that's cool.

2. Kitchen - Kitchens have fridges. Fridges have beer. You will 100% find Kid Rock in a kitchen, standing at the fridge in his wife-beater and chugging Budweiser right out of the bottle. Or can.

1. Billiard Room - I imagine Kid Rock likely spends the majority of his day smoking cigars and drinking beers while playing pool against Uncle Kracker. That's just a guess though. If the guess is right, there is no way Uncle Kracker pays rent for the place too. He just sort of hangs out there like Kato Kaelin did with OJ. If only Waffle Houses had billiard tables in them, he wouldn't even need a fancy mansion.

Ed Ranks Nordic Cross Flags

A great flag! But it doesn't count.

A Nordic Cross (Scandinavian Cross) flag is any flag which features a cross symbol in a rectangular field, with the center of the cross shifted towards the hoist.

Let's just go ahead and say that there are five of them.

I'd rather not into the nitty gritty about whether regional sub-divisions or territories of countries should also count. Does South Uist (the second-largest island of the Outer Hebrides in Scotland) have a Nordic Cross Flag? Yes, it does. Are its green, white and blue colors awesome? You bet they are. That would be a great national flag. But it's not. That's not even to mention Setomaa (cool as hell!).

Anywhoo, these are the five NATIONAL Nordic Cross Flags, ranked:

5. Finland

Look, I love you Finland. Of these countries, you're definitely up there at the top with respect to your overall coolness. Yet, I find this flag the least interesting of the six. It's just two colors instead of three, and white and blue are hardly the most interesting colors on their own. Also, the cross is a bit chubby compared to the others. It's near (or maybe the same) thickness as the Iceland and Norway crosses, but those have double layers of crosses.

4. Iceland

Oh man, this list is arbitrary as hell. The flag I'm ranking from second-to-last is basically the exact same flag I'm ranking as #1. The colors are just switched. Whatever, I like the way they look on #1, but I'm less satisfied with them on Iceland.

3. Sweden

Where did this yellow come from? No other Nordic flag has yellow on it. And that shade of blue is a little soft. A darker blue would have been nicer.

2. Denmark

Nice. I know it's only two colors, but they're two nice colors. That's a great shade of red too. The BEST shade of red, in fact. Sports car red. It's a sharp, crisp, minimalist design with a nice, skinny cross. Not that fat Finland cross. I approve.

1. Norway

This is the Nordic Cross flag. I mean look at it. Three colors - red, white, and blue. Everything about this is right.

Ed Ranks Manned Apollo Missions

Mankind, and by mankind I mean AMERICA 🇺🇸, had a number of manned missions to the moon, and/or test missions of the Command and Service Module (CSM). These are those missions, ranked.

12. Apollo 1 

Well, Gus Grissom, Ed White and Roger B. Chaffee died in a fire on the launch pad on a test run for this mission, so we can go ahead and easily rank this one last and declare it to be “pretty sucky.” Also, it’s not even really an Apollo mission, but was just politely renamed that in respect for the dead. Technically at the time this was supposed to launch it didn’t meet the criteria of an Apollo mission, as defined by Owen Maynard’s initial seven Apollo mission-type guidelines. It was simply AS-204.

11. Apollo 8

Sure, we can say that Apollo 8 had a lot going for it. It included the first circumlunar flight of the CSM and was the first manned flight of the Saturn V rocket. But was it really that much of a step up from Apollo 7? A manned flight in lunar orbit rather than earth orbit? Eh., I guess that’s cool. It got the first ever “earthrise” photos and the crew became TIME Magazine’s men of the year for 1968. But it now sits in a “middle ground” of test missions where it wasn’t the first to do anything too unique, and later missions that came after it did much more ambitious stuff. Also it was pretty short – clocking in at just six days, which is two days shorter than the next shortest successful mission (neither Apollo 1 nor Apollo 13 can be really called “successful,” can they?).

10. Apollo 7

People took these types of photos even before Instagram.

Apollo 7 is important because it was the first mission of the Apollo program to carry a crew into space. While the crew only made orbits of earth rather than orbits of the moon (it launched on the less powerful Saturn IB rocket, not the more famous Saturn V) – this is the crew that began to test all the important aspects of the CSM in space for the first time. Even though Apollo 8 took their tests out deeper into space and probably received a lot more fame, the crew of Apollo 7 outranks Apollo 8 based on pure sass alone. Apollo 7 included the first ever live television broadcast from an American crew in space, which is awesome and captured the fascination of people watching all around the world. However, it also included what’s been described as the first “Space Mutiny,” where all three of the crew (Wally Schirra, Donn Eisele and Walter Cunningham) had just FUCKING HAD IT with Mission Control and engaged in a number of numerous, snippy communications that were the polite, 1968-way of saying “Go blow yourself, copy.” Schirra was already planning to retire anyway, and the other two were (unsurprisingly) never invited to participate in future missions.

9. Apollo 13

Just because this mission got made into a cool Tom Hanks movie doesn’t mean that it should be listed as one of the better Apollo Missions. By this time, we had already been to the moon twice. While it was still pretty special, Apollo 13 wasn’t exactly upping the bar with its plans to just explore a different part of the moon (the Fra Mauro crater). As you’ve likely seen via the movie, there was an oxygen tank explosion which led to limited power, loss of cabin heat, shortages of water, a failing carbon dioxide removal system, etc. In a way Apollo 13 can be seen as a “success” in that it showed a crew being able to survive when everything went wrong… but  that’s a bit of a stretch, no? Another thing this moon mission failure can claim as a success? Their orbit around the moon took them further out than any other astronaut – so these three guys are the human beings who have been further away from earth than any others in history.

8. Apollo 9

Oh, hai space!

The third manned mission of the Apollo space program (to actually get off the ground), the second to go on a Saturn V rocket, the first to test the important lunar module (LM, obviously without a lunar module there would be no lunar landings) and prove that the LM and CSM could successfully separate and dock, and the first American docking of two spacecraft (the Soviets beat the Americans by two months with their Soyuz 4 and 5 dockings). It also contained a spacewalk, and those are always cool. As you’d probably guess, there could be no Apollo 10 (to test this near the moon), without an Apollo 9. And obviously there would be no Apollo 11 without Apollo 10. So it’s important… but this mission was still just one of those intermediary steps on the way to reach the ultimate goal. The Lunar Module was also named “Spider,” which is probably the coolest of any Lunar Module name. Of course, the Command Module (CM) was named “Gumdrop,” which is super lame. Still, this was the first mission to have names for the CM and LM, and the CM does look like a gumdrop while the LM, with its legs, does look like a Ssider. So I can see where the names came from.

7. Apollo 10

How it must have kind of sucked to have been selected for Apollo 10 instead of Apollo 11. These guys came SOOOO CLOSE to being human legends forever. The names Thomas P. Stafford, John Young and Eugene Cernan don’t exactly roll off the tongue, do they? You don’t learn about these guys in school. There are not posters of their faces in libraries, which awe you with the amazing stories of what mankind (and by "mankind" I mean AMERICA) can achieve when they put their brains together. Don’t get me wrong – it still must have been fairly cool to have been selected for Apollo 10. But talk about being the bridesmaid and not the bride. Apollo 10 did almost EVERYTHING that Apollo 11 did. It could be called the “dress rehearsal” for the actual moon landing. Stafford and Cernan got in the LM (named “Snoopy”) and descended to 8.4 miles above the surface of the moon, only to head back up and rejoin the CM (“Charlie Brown”) and head back to earth. These guys totally could have gone rogue and touched down on the moon and been the first if they wanted to. Alas, they followed through on their mission to prove that the next crew could do it.  Also… how do you think Charles Schultz felt about his Peanuts characters being used for the module names? He must have been pretty damn psyched, huh? I bet when he went to any comic convention after and ran into Mort Walker, he was like, “Yeah cock sucker, they didn’t name any lunar modules after Beetle Fucking Baily, did they?!” I’m almost 100% certain this happened.
 
6. Apollo 14

USA! USA! USA!

Apollo 13 wound up being the last of the two successful “H missions” for NASA. These missions were designed for precision landings and two-day stays on the moon with two “Extra Vehicular Activities” (EVAs), e.g. moonwalks. I’ll talk a little bit more about how this was an achievement when I talk about Apollo 12 directly below, as that was the first H mission.  Apollo 13 was supposed to be one of these H missions as well, but never happened what with the oxygen tank explosion thing and all. In fact, the legacy of Apollo 14 was largely just that it tried to reassure the American people that the Apollo Program was still worth pursuing after the Apollo 13 disaster. Did it work? Not really. By the time it launched in January 1971, Apollo Missions 18 through 20 had already been cancelled, so everyone knew that 17 would be the last one. Beyond having a successful mission after the failure of 13 (and going to Fra Mauro, where Apollo 13 had been planning to go) the only notable thing that 14 really accomplished was allowing famed astronaut and the first American in space, Alan Shepard, a chance to walk on the moon himself. At age 47, he was by far the oldest astronaut in the Apollo program. How much was Apollo 14 just a “let’s do a favor for an old man” trip? Well, Shepard was freakin’ golfing on the moon and everything. So was this really treated as an important scientific mission? Eh, they spent 33 ½ hours on the moon and collected 94 lbs of rocks… so I guess that’s something. But the only real “science” thing going on while Shepard was playing golf was Stuart Roosa, who stayed aboard the CM (Kitty Hawk) and did not land on the moon himself. He brought a bunch of tree seeds with him to orbit the moon. The seeds were eventually brought back and planted all around the place to become the “moon trees,” although again… the seeds just orbited the moon. The seeds never went down to the surface on the LM (Antares) with Shepard and those all-important golf clubs. The other guy who went down with Shepard was Edgar Mitchell, who wound up turning batshit crazy. Oh, and also a color film camera rather than the black and white one from Apollo 11. Both Apollo 12 and 13 were intended to capture color footage on the moon, but neither did. 13 never made it, and as for 12, well...

5. Apollo 12

Just like with Apollo 10, the crew of Apollo 12 ALMOST were the first ones walking on the moon. Still, being the second group of people to walk on the moon is somewhat cool too. Only 12 people have walked on the moon, so at least Pete Conrad and Alan Bean are among the elite few. As usual with Apollo missions, the CM pilot, Richard Gordon, stayed aboard the CM (Yankee Clipper) and didn’t go aboard the LM (Intrepid) with the other two.  Apollo 12 is pretty damn important though because it really raised the stakes and skill of what a moon landing was all about. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin might be famous, household names – but compared to Conrad and Bean (just four months later) their first moon landing was amateur hour crap. Unlike Apollo 11, Conrad and Bean achieved a precise landing at the site they were SUPPOSED to be going to – the location of the Surveyor 3 unmanned probe (which had landed on the Moon in April 1967). They also spent a lot more time on the moon, with this being the first of the H missions where they spent two days on the moon and had a number of moonwalks (7 hours and 45 minutes worth of that sweet, sweet moonwalking time – much more than Armstrong and Aldrin spent). They also landed in the very cool-named “Ocean of Storms,” and that has to be worth some ranking credit. Those Armstrong and Aldrin pussies settled for "Sea of Tranquility." Beyond the more precision landing, there wasn’t much too much additional "science" that this mission brought to the table. Sure, the astronauts collected some parts from the Surveyor 3 to bring them back, which is nice of them. But that’s about it. As alluded to above, this mission was SUPPOSED to be the first one to feature color film from the moon as well. In fact, a color camera came with them. But then Bean pointed it at the goddamn sun and destroyed it (d’oh), which meant that the Apollo 14 crew and Shepard would be able to get that sweet, sweet first color footage.

4. Apollo 16

By the time Apollo 16 rolled around in April 1972, the American public was kind of bored with moon landings and they barely even matters anymore. Still, by the end of the Apollo program, the missions were really starting to focus more on science and less on “whoa, I can’t believe we were actually able to do this.” Apollo 16 was the second of the “J missions,” which were even longer and more ambitious than the earlier H missions. These missions included three-day stays on the moon, with three EVAs/moonwalks and one deep space EVA. In the case of Apollo 16, the CM was named Casper (lame) and the LM was named Orion (awesome, and not just because the Metallica song) and it landed in the “Descartes Highlands.”  207 lbs of rocks were collected, and they got to play around on a Lunar Roving Vehicle (AKA Moon Buggy!). But in the end, Apollo 16 didn’t add much to the table, and was just a repeat of Apollo 15 but on a different place on the moon. So let’s talk about that one instead, shall we?

3. Apollo 15

MOON BUGGY TIME!!!!!!!

Almost Everything I said about Apollo 16 applies here as well, except that Apollo 15 did it FIRST. 15 was the first J mission where they spent 3 days on the moon, and thus also the first Apollo mission to feature the Moon Buggy.  The Moon Buggy was awesome!!! Driving around in a space car on the moon? SO SWEET! We all picture the Moon Buggy in our head, but most of us probably imagine Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin riding around in it. But they didn’t. There was no Moon Buggy until the Apollo 15 mission, and thus the first people who got to DRIVE ON THE MOON were Commander David Scott and LM pilot James Irwin, which also means that they were the first astronauts to be able to explore places far away from their landing site only. How far away? The Moon Buggy clocked in 27.8 kilometers of travel as part of Apollo 15. With moonwalks and riding around on the buggy, the two spent about 18 hours outside of the LM (Falcon) during their three days on the moon, Meanwhile, the CM (Endeavour) pilot , Alfred Worden, got to do a spacewalk to retrieve an orbital camera, so that’s cool too even though he didn’t get any moon surface time. Some other cool highlights about Apollo 15? It’s also the mission that collected the “Genesis Rock,” probably the most famous moon rock, which formed in yearly stages of solar system 4 billion years ago. This was the mission that also tested Galileo’s theory that, absent air resistance, objects drop at the same rate (a hammer and feather were dropped at the same time). I mean everyone knew the experiment would work by this time, but it was still fun to actually test it (and video it…in color!).

2. Apollo 17

Thus was born the selfie stick.

The final Apollo mission ever, and the last time that human beings ever landed on (or orbited) the moon. As with the previous few missions, NASA’s moon program had lost the magic it once had. The American people were busy hating the Vietnam War and questioning why so much money was being spent sending more damn people to the moon after we already built the filthy Soviets. Yet the final moon mission was also the most “sciencey” of them all, with NASA finally making a few steps to bring a legit scientist aboard the mission rather than just milling about and doing cool space stuff like driving around on their Moon Buggy (although they did that too, obviously). Commander Eugene Cernan and LM (Challenger) pilot Harrison Schmitt separated from the CM (America, where Ronald Evans remained in orbit) to land in the Taurus–Littrow valley (highland) on the moon. But Schmitt was more than just an LM pilot. He was also a freakin’ geologist! He remains the only Apollo astronaut who was never a test pilot. As with the other J missions, this was a three day trip to the moon, and Schmitt had plenty of time to be the first (and only) geologist on the moon and test a number of pieces of equipment (in the Apollo Lunar Surface Experiments Package) such as testing for volcanic activity. He also collected 243 lbs of samples! Yes… almost 250 lbs of moonjunk came back with Schmitt – a record. Apollo 17 set a number of records beyond that – it was also the longest moon landing, had the longest total EVA time (over 22 hours, including both moonwalks and 35.74 kms of driving around in the Moon Buggy), and the longest time in lunar orbit of all missions. Yep, just as Apollo Missions really started to kick the science up a notch… the whole program was over.

1. Apollo 11

Hell yeah, we're on the mooooooooon!

When thinking about these rankings, I was wondering if there was any Apollo mission which could or should rank higher than this one. This is the famous one, and the one where Armstrong got to plant the flag in the moon and say “LOL, FIRST!” But does it being the first successful mission to land on the moon really mean that it should be ranked #1? After all, there are a number of reasons listed in the rankings above which could rise claim to the other missions being more meaningful and relevant. As I noted, Neil and Buzz basically drunkenly stumbled their LM (Eagle, although you probably knew that one from “the Eagle has landed”) to the moon with no precision, unlike the later precision landings. It was also the shortest of the moon landing missions, with Neil and Buzz spending less than a day (21.5 hours) on the moon, with a mere two and a half hours of EVA. This short time meant that this mission also had the smallest of the sample sizes collected from the moon (47.5 lbs), and the least amount of scientific experiments performed from the Lunar Surface Experiments Package. Worse yet – there was not a single Moon Buggy or golf club in site! Did the third man who remained behind on the CM (Columbia), Michael Collins, do any space EVAs? Nope! So... this all returns us to my initial question... does simply being first mean that you get to be ranked #1 despite your mission being less impressive than most of the missions that were to follow?

The answer is yes. Yes it does. These guys are legends and that's why the US now owns the moon. I mean, probably not according to international law... but come on. That's our flag up there.

Ed Ranks Defunct U.S. Political Parties, Part II

Okay, following up on last time, here is the second and final part of the ranking of defunct political parties. These are the ones that sucked the least, finishing off with a hand-full of defunct parties that actually had some successful elections and/or had actual Presidents of the United States elected from their parties. Ah, good things don’t last forever, do they though?

12. Liberty (1840)

This guy.

Technically there was another Liberty Party in the 1930s, but that one wasn’t significant enough to get ranked. This one, however, formed in 1840 as the first major abolitionism, anti-slavery party. With the creation of the Free Soil party soon after, it sort of got its whole shtick overtaken and by 1848 was no longer a real player.  It might have died quickly, but at least it started with some noble aims, huh? Two decades before the Republican Party (that's one score, in Lincoln years) balled up and made this their platform, the Liberty Party was already on it. So shout out to abolitionist James G. Birney, the first major American political candidate to be like, "forget this slavery shit." Yet, like, nobody remembers who this guy is.

11. Liberal Republican

The Liberal Republican Party was an offshoot of the Republicans (dominant for several years after the end of the Civil War when Democrats weren't electable) who thought that President Grant was too radical, who opposed reconstruction, and who also wanted to engage in a number of anti-corruption reforms (it was really plaguing Grant's Republican Party). The (as noted, un-electable) Democratic Party saw the Liberal Republican Party as their chance to legitimize themselves and re-enter mainstream politics, and therefore their party actually nominated and selected the Liberal Republican candidate, Horace Greeley, as their own candidate in 1872. Isn’t that crazy? In May 1872 the Liberal Republicans picked Greeley, and then two months later in July an entirely different political party, the Democrats, figured “What the hell?” and selected someone running for another party as their candidate too. That enough should make the election of 1872 interesting enough. Yet it got even more fascinating because after Greeley lost the election on November 5--but BEFORE any of his pledged electors could officially cast their votes in the electoral college--Greeley went done and fucking died on November 29. Because of that, most of Greeley’s pledged electors decided that they didn’t want to cast their votes for a dead man, and voted for four other members of the Liberal Republican and Democratic Parties. By the time of the next election in 1876, the resurgent Democratic Party ate up the Liberal Republicans and were back as a major player (winning the popular vote but losing the electoral vote in the closet election in U.S. history, 185-184). A very short-lived party, but I’ll rank it this high for just how interesting this story is.

10. National Union

In hindsight, "give Lincoln another shot" was a bad slogan.

Remember good ol’ Honest Abe Lincoln? What party was he? A Republican! Every Republican will tell you that. They are the party of Lincoln. It’s true, although it also quasi-ignores the fact that in the election of 1864, Lincoln "left" the Republican Party in order to form a joint ticket known as the “National Union” Party. Basically, this party was still just the Republican Party, but also included more moderate, "War Democrats." As the South was in as state of rebellion in 1864 and calling themselves a different country, it’s not surprising that the National Union party won. So remember folks – the last presidents who were technically neither “Democrat” or “Republican” were Abe Lincoln and his successor after he was assassinated (Andrew Johnson), as they were part of the “National Union” winning 1864 ticket. As Lincoln ran and won as a Republican in 1860 and Johnson left the National Union Party during his term as President to re-become a Democrat - this makes it sort of a difficult issue for trivia questions. If you ask “who was the last President that was neither Republican nor Democrat,” the usual “correct” answer is Millard Fillmore, who was a Whig. But anyone who answers “Andrew Johnson” would also have a solid case, based on the whole “National Union” thing. If it’s phrased who was the last “elected” President who didn't belong to either of those two parties, you’d also have a case for Lincoln or Zachary Taylor (since Fillmore himself wasn’t elected, but instead became POTUS after fellow Whig Taylor died). Basically, don’t use this as a trivia question because you’ll get into a fight and depending on the precise phrasing, you could claim four different answers are the “right” answer.

9. Socialist Party of America

The Socialist Party of America had their origins in a number of predecessor parties, notably the Social Democratic, and elements of the Social Labor parties. This is the party which has come the closest to making socialism mainstream in the United States, with their famous candidate Eugene V. Debs. But how close did they come? Not very. America just can't swallow this socialism stuff. The Socialist Party’s highest percentage of the popular vote was in 1912, when Debs got 5.99% of the vote, falling in fourth place behind the Democrats, Progressive Party, and Republican Party (note – the Socialist Party endorsed La Follette (see below) in 1924, but that doesn’t count because he ran as a "Progressive"). Although various minor socialist, communist and far left parties exist to this day, this particular one dissolved in 1972 and none of the other ones would come as close to Debs’ near 6%.

8. Progressive (est. 1924)

Just 12 years after Teddy Roosevelt ran under a party known as the “Progressive Party,” another candidate named Robert M. La Follette ran under a party with the same name, but which was otherwise completely unrelated. La Follette and TR sort of hated each other. It's a long story. By 1924, both the Republican and Democratic Parties had gotten pretty conservative, and there was an opening for a candidate who supported disenfranchised laborers, unions, farmers, etc. Even the Socialist Party of America decided to endorse him, although La Follette specifically rejected endorsement by “Communists,” who would go on to run their own candidate. La Follette was obviously on to something that both major parties lacked, as he captured 16.6% of the popular vote – the third best popular vote showing for a third party post-Civil War (after TR in 1912 and Ross Perot in 1992). Like TR in 1912 though, it was really a one man party. When La Follette died a year after his loss in 1925, the new Progressive Party basically died too, although factions of it would continue on as successful regional parties in Wisconsin and California.

7. Free Soil

Another one-issue party, but when the one issue is SLAVERY, it’s sort of a big deal. The Free Soil party emerged from the remnants of the Whig and Liberty Parties. The Free Soil candidates were doing whatever they could to end the expansion of slavery in the west and also remove a number of other discriminatory and racist laws. They had good runs in 1848 and 1852, securing 10% and 5% of the national popular vote in the two Presidential elections. However, by the middle of the 1850’s (after the Kansas-Nebraska Act) their one-issue anti-slavery priority became so widely supported in the north that the party was swallowed up by the new (and increasingly powerful) Republican party. Basically take the Whigs and the Free Soil party, shake them up and bake for 25 minutes at 375 degrees F and you have the Republicans.

6. Greenback

It's all about the... uhh... I guess that's Hamilton?

A party that also sometimes took the names "Independent Party," "National Independent Party," or "Greenback Labor Party." Confused yet? Whatevs. It existed from about 1874 to 1889. During this period, both the Democratic and Republican parties favored bullion-based monetary systems where money was linked to sweet, sweet, precious metals. However, this third party pushed for de-linking floppy green cash money from bullion under the idea that it would assist farmers, foster the growth of businesses, and make debts easier to pay. In this sense, they were one of the first significant “anti-monopoly” parties in the country, and simultaneously pushed for labor reform (8 hour work days, banning the use of force to break up strikes). After a decade and a half of limited success, they would find their platform adopted and taken up by other entities such as the Union Labor and Populist Parties (and later still, ye dreaded Communists and Socialists! Gasp!), which brought the Greenback Party istelf to an end, but a lasting and influential legacy that shaped the policies of major parties.

5. Progressive (Bull Mouse)

No shit, the most awesome logo too.

Teddy Roosevelt, formerly President of the United States under the Republican Party, wanted to make a comeback in 1912. Alas, the Republicans were going with fatso William Howard Taft. So Teddy just formed his own third party, also known as the “Bull Moose” party and ran himself. How well did he do? Well, he finished in second place, for one – which makes him the last third party U.S. Presidential candidate to finish above a Republican or Democratic ticket (in this case, he finished above Taft but lost to the Democrat, Woodrow Wilson). He also proved his bad-ass-ery in this election by surviving an assassination attempt right before giving a speech. And I don’t mean “right before giving a speech” as in “right before being scheduled to give a speech, and then cancelling the speech because he got shot.” I literally mean  “right before giving a speech” because SOMEONE FUCKING SHOT HIM IN THE CHEST, and he STILL GAVE THE SPEECH ANYWAY. Alas, the Progressive Party (at least this first iteration of the Progressive Party) was really only a one trick pony with Teddy Roosevelt. Without TR as a candidate, it soon fell apart.

4. Populist (People’s)

The People’s Party, most commonly known as the Populist Party, was probably the last “great” third party in the country which lasted for several election cycles and had a chance of usurping one of the big two. The party picked up on the pro-agrarian, pro-labor, and pro-monetary reform positions of the Union Labor and Greenback Parties, but then added additional “populist” idea to benefit the average, regular people such as graduated income taxes (make the rich pay more of the share) and direct election of Senators (as crazy as it might sound to you today, that never happened until the 17th Amendment came into effect in 1913). Candidate James Field set the stage for the Populist Party to emerge as a power player in the Presidential election of 1892, and many thought that the Populists would replace the Democratic Party as the primary counterparts to Republicans in 1896. However, the Populist Party would wind up endorsing William Jennings Bryan, also the Democratic Party candidate, that year. This was the beginning of the end for the Populist Party, as that move allowed the Democrats to swallow them up and take over most of their (more moderate and palatable) positions. As for the more "extreme" left-wing policies? Well, that’s where the Socialists finally emerge.

3. Whig

Clay's failure means school kids don't have to learn how to spell "Frelinghuysen"

Our last three defunct parties should not be surprising, as they are the only three defunct parties which actually produced Presidents of the United States (discounting the 1864 election where Lincoln was in the “National Union” party… although honestly, he was really still a Republican). It’s kind of weird that the U.S. formed a “Whig” party, as that shared a name with a British political party (even after that whole “War with England” thing, although technically the Whigs claim they weren’t name after those Whigs, but after a different, American “Whig” group associated with the Patriots). By around 1834 the Whigs were able to pull together large chunks of the faltering National Republican and Anti-Masonic parties to form a new alliance to take on the Jacksonian Democrats. They also embedded a few of the ideas of the former Federalist Party. Henry Clay became the most famous Whig, despite never becoming President himself. The party mainly pushed ideas like the supremacy of the Congress over the Presidency, modernization and economic protectionism (via tariffs). They also began to take a religious and moral ground on a lot of issues, such as opposing Andrew Jackson’s horrific policies towards Native Americans, and opposing the continued expansion of slavery in the west. Eventually, the party would split though – with Northerners increasingly taking on anti-slavery positions and forming the basis of the modern Republican Party, and Southerners forming the Know Nothing and Constitutional Union parties.

2. Democratic-Republican

The Party of Jefferson, Madison and Monroe emerged as the first opposition party in the United States, opposing the Federalist power of John Adams and his allies. You know, except for those times when it was totally convenient for Jefferson and crew to engage in Federalist-type activities not specifically enumerated in the Constitution but played it off like they was bein' all cool. Oh well, who would have guessed that the man who wrote "all men are created equal" but owned (and raped) slaves was a bit of a hypocrite? I digress. When the D-R party really started to get its act together, it became unbeatable and crushed the Federalists at the beginning of the 19th Century. They essentially made the United States a one party system for a number of years, as by the end of their reign every single candidate in the Presidential elections of 1820 and 1824 were from their party. But after 1824, they broke apart into several different factions – including the Andrew Jackson-led Democratic party (the same Democratic Party which exists today), as well as the National Republican (nope, this is not the same one that exists today) and Anti-Masonic Parties.

1.  Federalist

Okay, this one is definitely Hamilton, for sure.

The Federalist Party was the OG party of the United States. George Washington, and several of the founding fathers, didn’t even want to have political parties. But the Federalists (John Adams, Alexander Hamilton, John Jay, and their hype men) would have none of that nonsense, and they formed an alliance just like those smart people on the first season of Survivor. Their platform was essentially to have a stronger, more centralized and powerful federal government. Which is honestly what the early nation needed if it didn't want to fall apart in a horrific disaster. By the time their rival party, the Democratic-Republicans (led by Thomas "Rape Master" Jefferson) got their act together on the whole "party" thing, the Federalists were, alas, doomed.  By the 1820 Presidential election they wouldn’t even be able to put forward a candidate. And yet they still won 16.12% of vote that year. With no candidate. Let me repeat that for you. In 1820 the Federalists ran no one and no one won over 16% of the vote. Which is, quite frankly, awesome. So why do I say the Federalists are better than the Whigs? or Democratic-Republicans? Because I’m #TeamHamilton 4Life and have been since waaaay before the musical. Seriously, if you haven’t even read The Federalist Papers then we can't be friends. Chances are you did though. Homework assignments in school totally count.

Ed Ranks Defunct U.S. Political Parties, Part I

'MURICA!

There have been a bajillion political parties over the course of U.S. history, so I can’t really list them all. So as a basic threshold, I tried to generally set a rule that he defunct political party had to at least run a presidential candidate in one election and achieve over 1% of the vote. I’m not sure that I 100% stuck to that rule, and I might have made some judgment calls here or there.

Obviously per the name of this, I’m also only talking about defunct parties. So you might recall some random third parties from past elections and imagine that they’re defunct (e.g. George Wallace’s super racist American Independent Party, or Ross Perot’s Reform Party). However, they’re NOT! No, really. Those things still exist. You know what else still exists? The Prohibition Party! Yeah. I was fully ready to write up a bunch on them for this ranking, but then when researching I saw that they still exist, albeit in a pathetic state (their last two “party conventions” were held by conference calls). How nutso is it that the very same Prohibition Party that was founded in 1869, had it height in the 1888 and 1892 elections, and managed to help pass the stupidest Constitutional Amendment ever – actually still exists to this day and got over 5000 votes in the 2016 election?

Anyway, this is long enough so that I'll break it into two parts. I came up with 23 total which met my vague, inconstant criteria. These are 23 through 13, and I'll finish up with the top 12 next time.

23. Southern Democratic (1860)

The twin brother to the “Northern Democratic” Party of 1860. It’s a little problematic to refer to this as the “Southern Democratic” party, as that term could also refer to other movements (such as the Dixiecrats immediately below) which are all basically just “Democrats, But Super Racist Too™.”  In 1860, the Democratic Party sorta broke apart (for reasons I’ll explain in additional detail below under the “Northern Democratic” ranking) after a number of good ol’ boys from the South walked out of the Convention. They then held their own convention of a bunch of slavery-loving racist assholes, which got 18% of the popular vote in the Presidential election. After their loss, these were the core group of secessionist asshats who split off from the Union for not getting the result they wanted. So really, breaking the party apart pales in comparison to "massive treason against the nation to support the continued bondage of a race of people." How could these dicks not be last place? 

22. States' Rights Democratic Party (Dixiecrats)

The official platform was just: "Yeeeee-hawww!"

As with the breakup of the Democratic Party in the election of 1860, so did a Southern offshoot split from the party almost a century later, with the emergence of the States’ Rights Democrats in 1948. The party chose Strom Thurmond as their candidate for President that year and their party’s logo was just the Confederate Battle Flag. Yep. The Confederate Fucking Battle Flag. That one. The one from the orange Charger. Because a logo which said “We are Racist White Supremacists” would be too subtle for them (and their illiterate voters would not be able to read it). You’ll probably notice from these bottom two rankings that I’m not a fan of parties built solely as vessels for unadulterated, southern racism (or as it's known in the South, "Northern aggression," or "States' Rights").

21. Know Nothing

Technically this party was called the “Native American” Party, which is problematic in a number of ways. But mostly because it was made up of fucking angry white people who were anti-intellectual, anti-Irish, anti-German, anti-Catholic, xenophobic, and hostile to all immigration. Hrm. Sound familiar? Basically the existing Democratic party wasn’t extreme enough for them, so they split off and formed their own “we hate you book-learnin’ intellectuals and immigrants” party. In 1856, their special version of hatred of most other people led to them capturing a solid 21.5% of the popular vote in the Presidential Election. Somewhat surprisingly, the composition of the party was actually split on the slavery issue (you’d think these pro-discrimination assholes would be full in on the slavery thing, wouldn’t you?). They were also surprisingly for the expansion of rights to women. Sometimes life can be confusing like that. Anyway, the slavery thing especially led to their eventual downfall as it emerged as issue #1 in American politics by 1860, with anti- and pro- slavery supporters in the Know Nothing Party being drawn to either the Republicans or Constitutional Union parties. I guess these guys at least finish above the other racist parties because, hey, they were sort of split on the slavery thing and thought women might sort of count as human beings.

20. Union Labor

The Presidential election of 1888 saw both the “Union Labor Party” and the “United Labor Party” emerge, largely from the remnants of the Greenback Party. The United Labor Party wasn’t a major enough of a player to even get ranked on my list, but since the Union Labor Party’s candidate (Alson Streeter) got 1.31% of the vote, I figure that’s worth at least this low ranking. And they weren’t even inherently racist or xenophobic as part of their platform! Yaaaay! We're making progress.

19. Union (1936)

Not to be confused with the Unionist Party which existed a century before (two below), or the Union Labor party (just above). This 1936 election-only party attempted to take out FDR. They didn’t really come very close, but 1.95% of the vote is better than nothing, right?

18. Constitutional Union

Candidate John Bell, the definition of charisma.

The Constitutional Union Party of 1860 (probably the most notable and consequential Presidential election year in history) was made up of leftovers of the now-defunct Unionist and Know Nothing parties from the previous decade, as well as some southern Democrats and conservative Whigs who wanted to do whatever they could to avoid the Union breaking apart. Basically, its stance was that the Union should be protected at all costs and preserved… and how did they plan to do that? By talking the bold stance on slavery that “maybe if we don’t care about it or form a position on the issue, it will magically no longer be an issue.” That’s right. Slavery was the biggest issue in the country in the election of 1860 and the results of the election of 1860 threatened to tear the country apart. So this party formed under the premise that everyone could put their heads in fucking the sand and pretend like the slavery issue didn't exist. Not surprisingly, this strategy didn’t really work. They did, however, wind up getting almost 16% of the vote thanks to the Democratic Party being torn in half that year. What's more American than 16% of the country voting for the party whose platform is "Fuck it, we have no platform!"

17. Unionist

Again, not to be confused with a number of similarly-named parties, the Unionist Party was a, 1850’s-era party that merged southern Whigs who didn’t really like being labelled as “Whigs” (because being a Whig made you un-electable in the South) and moderate Democrats who wanted to compromise on the big ticket issues like slavery and states’ rights (the very things that would eventually lead to the Civil War). While some fervent Southerners (especially Democrats) were already talking about breaking up the Union a decade before the Civil War, the Unionists basically hoped that they could put a Band-Aid on the open, festering wound that was the growing division between North and South. Needless to say, the Band-Aid solution didn’t work. At least it was an attempt at a solution though, as opposed to the Constitutional Union non-strategy.

16. Northern Democratic

The twin brother to 1860’s “Southern Democratic” party, and a party that (as with its twin) I somewhat questioned whether this counted as a “separate, defunct” party from the modern Democratic Party, or if it was simply the same party as the one today. If either of the two Democratic Parties of 1860 can claim to be “the same” Democratic Party as the one which Jackson established and which still exists today, it’s this one. The basic story is that the Democrats (a single party) held their Convention in 1860 and came to a deadlock without choosing a candidate. Because of that, rivals factions in both the North and South held their own “second” Conventions – excluding the other side and picking their own candidates. The Northern Democrat platform was basically a “moderate” position of popular sovereignty on slavery, e.g. let each state decide for itself. Yep, there was a time in this nation's history where "Eh, let the states decide whether you can enslave human beings" was considered "moderate." By now you already know the position the Southern Democratic Party took, and even if you didn't read my #23 above you could probably just guess based on the word "Southern" alone.

15. Progressive (1948)

Aaaaand ZERO Electoral votes. Nice try though.

In 1948, there was A THIRD attempt try to create a party named the “Progressive Party,” and this time it did worse than the first two (diminishing returns, people... you'll see more in Part II later).  This time it the party was meant as a platform for former Vice President Henry Wallace, who FDR abandoned and replaced with Harry Truman in the election right before he died. After the 1948 loss to Dewey... I mean... uhh... Truman... the party survived to fight again another day. It also put up a candidate for the next Presidential election in 1952, where it ran Charlotta Bass – an African American woman (holy shit!) as its Vice President Candidate. Needless to say, the US wasn’t quite ready for a black woman vice president in 1952. Shit, this racist-ass country probably isn't ready for a black woman as President in 2020, but good luck Kamala.

14. National Republican

The 1824 Election might have been the most jacked up U.S. election in history, and it resulted in a collapse of the “First Party System” which the country had run on since its beginning. I don't need to explain that to you. You can go to Wikipedia just as easily as I can. Basically, no candidate got a majority and a “corrupt bargain” occurred where John Quincy Adams was given the presidency, despite having less electoral votes than Andrew Jackson. This pretty much broke up the dominant Democratic-Republican Party which had reigned supreme for over 20 years. Those loyal to JQ Adams (and to a lesser extent, Henry Clay) became the "National Republicans," aka the Anti-Jacksonians. They would not win this time around, but they’d set the seeds of what would eventually transform into the Whig Party.

13. Anti-Masonic Party

The Anti-Masonic Party (essentially)

As with their counterparts the National Republican Party and (still-extant) Democratic Party – the Anti-Masonic party formed after the collapse of the Democratic-Republicans and the tumultuous Presidential election of 1824. They were the first notable “third party” in the country to sort of even stand a chance, which is a pretty cool accomplishment. What was their platform? Well, you know how today people have conspiracy theories about the Freemasons being an insane, evil, murderous, cult (e.g. they’re the Illuminati, the New World Order, Cobra Command, HYDRA)? Well, people felt the same way in the 19th century, so the Anti-Masons formed as a one-issue party to make everyone aware that Freemasons were evil. Uhh... okay!  After they did surprisingly well in elections, they actually began to take on some additional platform issues before eventually being eaten up by the Whig Party around 1840. They reformed a second time as well in the 1870s but never saw as much power again. I wasn’t sure whether to list the first and second Anti-Masonic parties as one party or two, but I’ll just go ahead and say they were one, as it was a re-formation of an earlier party – rather than founding a new party with the same name.

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Top 12... next time!  Because what else better will you have to do Sunday night? Oh. Game of Thrones? Okay then, I suppose that makes sense.

Ed Ranks 2018-2019 SW Indian Ocean Cyclones by Name

Well, it’s been a pretty rough 2018–19 South-West Indian Ocean Cyclone Season, what with both hurricanes Idai and Kenneth being deadly, devastating events. Although… Kenneth? That just strikes me as a someone silly name for a hurricane. Not to make light of a terrible situation, but it’s just odd. Who names these things anyway?

Anyway, as with Atlantic Hurricanes and other regional cyclone systems, South-West Indian Ocean cyclone are giving alphabetized names – with the first hurricane of the season beginning with “A” and the 26th (which they hopefully never get around to) with a “Z.” Here are those names, ranked.

26. Kenneth – As stated, this is a weird name for a hurricane. I don’t know why. It just is. I think the more common a name is for people to have, the weirder it is for a major storm that causes catastrophic damage to be named after them.

Tropical Storm CJ Parker doesn't sound right.

25. Pamela – I assume this one is named after Pamela Anderson? I don’t know. She’s associated with beaches and so are hurricanes sort of, right?

24. Walter – Who names their kids “Walter” anymore, let alone their hurricanes? This is such an old man name.

23. Desmond – The only Desmond I know is that guy who played "Q" in James Bond. But he’s Welsh, so don’t even ask me to try to spell his last name. Oh wait. Desmond Tutu as well. Okay, so I know of two Desmonds. Unless the "Dez" in Dez Bryant also stands for Desmond. Does it? I suppose I could Google that, but I won't.

22. Lorna – Lorna is a fine name for a storm… so long as it’s an storm that hits the U.S. deep south. Lorna sounds like the name of a woman belching in front of the confederate flag while rocking in her chair on the front porch in her a MAGA hat. Her middle name is definitely “Annabelle” or something like that.

21. Savana – Is this even spelled right? Even strippers who use this name spell it in less goofy ways than that.

20. Viviane – Named after the character from “The Young Ones,” presumably.

19. Cilida – This is just a weird name. I’m trying to figure out what culture it’s from or what it means, but my only search results are for the typhoon. Oh well.

18. Quentin – Named after the Martell who got burned up by the dragon. It’s book-only folks, don’t worry about it. Hey, this seems like a good time to remind you about my other blog.

17. Oscar – I want to take a moment to remind you that Oscar Isaac did this dance:

16. Haleh – More fun if you pretend it’s pronounced “Hollah!”

15. Idai – The only fun thing about this one was watching white-ass American news people be super confused about how to pronounce it. Other than that, yeah, it was a pretty horrible storm and is no laughing batter and now I'm questioning whether this entire ranking is disrespectful. Maybe?

14. Xangy – Does this rhyme with “tangy?” I want to know.

13. Alcide – This could be a form of homicide that you commit against a person named “Al.” So watch out, Roker and Yankovic. Maybe Snow and Sharpton too.

12. Uyapo – Kind of fun sounding, but also kind of not.

11. Maipelo – AKA “my pillow.”

10. Joaninha – Someone was naming their kid “Joanna” but had stroke in the middle?

9. Themba – Sounds like it could have been a minor character in “The Lion King.”

Gelena Somez

8. Gelena – Named after the Chinese counterfeit pop star, Gelena Somez. Pictured, right.

7. Funani – I really enjoy it when African words look like they’re Japanese words, and vice-versa. It happens a lot more than you’d think. Separated by thousands of miles and diverse cultures – somehow they sort of went in the same direction.

6. Yemurai – The same with this one, except it looks like it’s almost “Samurai,” which would be an awesome name for a devastating storm.  Except it’s all the way at the end of the alphabet at “Y” so it will likely never get used. Which is… fortunate! I’m not wishing storms upon the peoples of the South-West Indian Ocean.

5. Zanele – As with Y above, no way are we ever getting to Z. So Cyclone Zanele will likely never come to be.

4. Bouchra – This is just a fun name, isn’t it? Whatever, I don't need you to tell me.

3. Eketsang – This is the most South African-sounding name I’ve ever heard. Nelson Mandela’s name totally should have been Eketsang Mandela.

2. Rajab – If you randomly make up a Indian Ocean cyclone name on my own without any understanding of how the naming system works, I would have probably come up with something along the lines of “Rajab” myself. 

1. Njazi – Njazi really sounds like the type of cyclone that could mess stuff up. Watch out for Njazi. Is this name African? Is it Slavic? Is it both? Who cares! It’s awesome.