Ed Ranks XFL Team Names

This picture captions itself, so why bother?

Well, it looks like there is going to be another shitty XFL next year. They've already begun announcing what cities will get new XFL teams in 2020, but those cities don't have any names for their teams yet.  So let's take this opportunity to rank the terrible, terrible team names of the failed 2001 league.

8. New York/New Jersey Hitmen - First of all, this is terrible because they picked two different states to name the team after in a desperate attempt to make residents of both states think it is "their" team. Just pick one. And then there is the "Hitmen" part, glorifying organized crime and murder. Geesh. Way to be "edgy" XFL. You're sooooo cooooool.

7. Memphis Maniax - That's right, "Maniacs," but spelled incorrectly with an "X" at the end. Because everything was X-TREME in the late 1990's and early 2000's. Speaking of which...

6. Los Angeles Xtreme - Hey, what's a way we can make our team name sound XTREME?! How about we name them XTREME?! YEAAHHH!!!!!!! *pops a Mountain Dew and gets on a skateboard*

5. Birmingham Thunderbolts - Putting aside the fact that putting a supposedly "professional" sports team in Alabama is a terrible idea, "Thunderbolts" is a super lazy name that involved having a helmet with thunderbolts on it. Yep. And what does Thunderbolts have to do with Alabama? But then again, I guess they couldn't have named their Alabama sports team the "Birmingham Under-Employed, Low-Income, Restrictive Voter ID Law-Having, Immigrant-Hating, Trailer Park Trash with a Vaguely Disguised Neo-Confederate Flag Warriors." Or could they have? Because that would have probably appealed to most XFL fans. SMASHMOUTH FOOTBALL!!!!!!!11one

4. Orlando Rage - The Orlando Rage just need to go to some counselors to figure their life out. Maybe learn meditation? At any rate, I pretty much hate all team names that are concepts rather than plural nouns. Your team name should represent things that actually exist and be plural. Bulls. Chargers. Wizards. Falcons. Canadiens. Braves. Stars. Lakers. Cardinals. Some of these names are good, some are bad, and one is kind of racist. But they are all acceptably plural nouns.

3. San Francisco Demons - I'll accept this, but it's not very specific. I'd like a little more information on what type of demons these guys represent? "Demons" by themselves are not very specific. Are they Barongs? Krampuses? Leviathans? Succubi? Ankou? Krevlornswath of the Deathwok Clan? Inquiring minds need to know. Some demons are definitely of the "will kill you and obliterate your soul" type of wear level and others are more like, "Oh, how moderately annoying."

The Chicago Fisters?

2. Chicago Enforcers - Yeah, I guess this is an okay team name. It's honestly no worse than a lot of professional sports franchise names. It sounds aggressive and offensive (not as in "will offend someone," but as in "we're on the offensive and ready to strike!").  That's a good thing for a football team. I guess. Although the logo? Yikes. Good thing I'm not ranking logos.


1. Las Vegas Outlaws 

Sure. This fits the theme of the city pretty well. A vague hint of criminality (much better than "Hitmen") mixed with a "Yee haw, this is the Ole West! We got tumbleweeds and cattle skull!"

Ed Ranks Characters in The Princess Bride

This is a great movie and if you need any explanation for what this is or why I am doing it, then you should not be reading this. 

10. The Grandson (Fred Savage) - Sorry to rank you last, Fred. But everyone is great in this movie, so you're just going to have to be in last place.  Really, you're just a framing device added to the movie. You and your Grandpa weren't even in the book. You're a kid who is reluctant to hear a story with a bunch of kissing, but are eventually won over in the end. I guess you serve your purpose in the film, and it wouldn't be quite as good without you.

9. Prince Humperdinck (Chris Sarandon) - He's the overall villain in the film, and usually the "big bad" is better and more interesting than his mere henchmen. In this case, he's not. He's just a bit of an arrogant foppish dandy who is willing to lie and kill to get what he wants.  And what he wants is an excuse to go to war with their neighboring rivals, Guilder, by framing them for the kidnapping and murder of his bride.

8. Grandpa/The Narrator (Peter Falk) - As with his grandson, Columbo is really just a framing device for the story. But he's charming as hell and I suppose their is a fan theory out there that he is supposed to be an older version of Westley because he tells his grandson "as you wish" at the end of the film. Do I believe that? Not really. He's just saying a line from the story, people!

7. Buttercup AKA The Princess Bride (Robin Wright) - The titular character of the film (but not the actual protagonist) is coming in only at seventh place.  No offense, but Robin Wright is very much being the stereotypical "damsel in distress" that needs to be saved - so in some ways Buttercup is more of a trope than a developed character. Westley had to save her from almost everything (Rodents of Unusual Size, Humperdink), and really her only attempt to save herself from a bad situation is to kill herself.

6. Miracle Mac & Valerie (Billy Crystal & Carol Kane) - Sure, these two will just be lumped together because they belong lumped together. By themselves, the characters would be "meh," but together they are great. From "mostly dead," to "mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwiches," to "you ARE the brute squad", to "to blave" (AKA "to bluff") and to "LIIIAAAAARRRRR!!!" these two characters are amazing movie quote-generating machines. Billy Crystal's best work ever, obviously.

Kinky?

5. Westley AKA The Dread Pirate Roberts AKA The Man in Black (Cary Elwes) - Westley is the main character and is obviously a great character.  But as with his love Buttercup, he's slightly more one dimensional when compared to some of the supporting cast.  He's witty and hilarious, but he really needs to play off others in order to do so.  The whole passing on the pirate title thing is great, and you know if this movie came out today they'd try to ruin it with mandatory sequels and prequels about other Dread Pirate Robertses. Actually, I'll stop talking about this now lest Hollywood get ideas since that might still be in their plans.

4. Count Rugen (Christopher Guest) - Ah, the man with six fingers.  Really just Humperdink's henchman, he's actually a lot more interesting. Why? Well, because Christopher Guest is awesome for one, and plays the hell out of this character. Other reasons? He's a sadistic weirdo who is into the scientific study of pain (if you can call creating torture machines "science," which I do).  He murdered Inigo Montoya's father for the pettiest of bitch reasons (he was too cheap to pay for a special six-fingered sword that was designed just for him). And, well, he has some badass sword-fighting scenes in the film.

3. Vizzini (Wallace Shawn) - Wallace Shawn doesn't make it too far into the movie, but he definitely steals a chunk of the show with his overly confident, duplicitous Sicilian kidnapper. Vizzini and his two henchmen (Fezzik and Inigo, see below) are part of the plot to kidnap the Princess and frame Guilder for the murder. The two henchmen aren't really aware of the overall plan though - only this cocky dick who finds it... well... inconceivable that anyone is more intelligent than him. And now nobody can actually say that word anymore without thinking of this movie. I guess the weirdest thing about this character is that everybody else are clearly from fictional fairy tale lands and kingdoms, and this dude is just straight up Sicilian.  It would be like if Game of Thrones introduced a character who was Puerto Rican.

2. Fezzik (André the Giant) - So let me sort of just lump André the Giant's Fezzik and Mandy Patinkin's Inigo Montoya together here in this description a bit.  The two are essentially a buddy comedy act duo in a film where neither of them get top billing.  They aren't the titular characters, nor the main protagonists.  But largely, Inigo's revenge quest to kill the six-fingered man frames the film just as much as the narrator & grandson and Westley's quest for love. What's especially interesting about the two is that they start off the film as adversaries to Westley, and fight against him before they eventually join his side.  That always makes for interesting, effective, and charming story-telling.  Now, more specifically about Fezzik - well, he's the actual heart of the film.  He's the moral compass in more ways than either Westley or Buttercup, and overcomes his henchman ways to show that a huge, strong "brute" can actually be a delicate and thoughtful man. A delicate and thoughtful man who can throw enormous stones and scare the shit out of people.

Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya.
You killed my father, prepare to die.

1. Inigo Montoya (Mandy Patinkin) 

Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die. etc.

Ed Ranks New Years Resolutions

Happy January 8! Do you know what January 8 means?

If you guessed "the 93rd anniversary of Crown Prince Nguyễn Phúc Vĩnh Thuỵ's ascession to the throne of Vietnam" then you are... uh... well... I guess you're right. But that's not what I was going for.  What I was going for is "today is the day you've probably broken every single last one of your New Years Resolutions."

Yeah, that didn't last long.  It never does. Which is why I never make resolutions. Hey, don't beat yourself up. A whole week and one day is pretty good!

I've taken a list of the Top 10 "most common" New Years resolutions (from last year, but whatever... they are generally always the same) and I've ranked them in order of how good of a resolution they are.

10. Make New Friends - Gross. Get MORE friends?  Interact with MORE human beings? No thank you. Unless making friends with doggos counts.

9.  Get a New Job - The grass is always greener on the other side, isn't it? I'm sorry to break this to you if you're in a miserable job - the next job will be miserable too. Unless your job is a some guy who tests beers to make sure they taste okay. But even then... you might still be screwed because you'll probably be hired by Budweiser.

This is how I visually represent "Save More Money."

8. Save More Money - What good is money if you don't spend it?  There is a good chance you could be hit by a bus tomorrow, so you might as well spend it all now.

7. Take Up a New Hobby - I always hate it when you're asked the question "What are your hobbies?" Hobbies seem stupid to me.  My hobbies are 1) watching TV and 2) writing terrible blogs that I never do spellchecking or copy-editing on.  Why bother having a third hobby?

6. Eat Healthier - This can also be written as, "enjoy life less."

5. Read More - Knowledge is power, and I agree that most people probably do need to read more. Still, depdning on what you read this could go in the wrong direction. Classic literature? A good idea to read more of that. The article links that your racist uncles post on Facebook? Not so much.

Not pictured: Bacon pills.

4. Exercise More / Lose Weight - Yeah, sure. I guess this is a good idea. But wouldn't a much better resolution be "become a scientist that figures out a way to create a pill that makes you lose weight, and oh yeah, the pill tastes like delicious bacon."

3. Learn a New Skill - This is super broad, so I guess it can be good. It's sort of close to the "new hobby" one as well, but at least the word "skill" implies what you're going to do has some value or use.  I'll rank this one high because it's potential for good. But this one can go wrong too if your skill is something worthless like any mathematics other than tipping math (you will never use any of it in your life. Sorry).

2. Focus More on Self Care - In principle the concept of taking better care of yourself sounds good. Do stuff like sleep more, quit smoking, and stop injecting heroin into your veins. This is all good, right?  Sure it is! But I think that this one probably also includes stuff like "Drink Less," which is a non-starter for me.

1. Nah, I Don't Do New Years Resolutions - That's right, New Years resolutions are so worthless, that even within the list of New Years Resolutions that I used as my source, 32% of respondents answered with a simple "No." Presumably they then punched the person who surveyed them in their face. These are my people. I welcome you to 2019.

Ed Ranks Endings to Black Mirror: Bandersnatch

Occasionally I can be topical, so I might as well talk about this while it's still relevant.  I pretty much spent all of yesterday trying to figure out every "ending" I could to Netflix's new "Choose Your Own Adventure"-inspired episode (or "event," as the poster calls it) of Black Mirror, "Bandersnatch."

Oh, and SPOILERS by the way. So stop reading if you have any interest in watching (playing?) this.

As a quick 101 for anyone who hasn't seen it, but doesn't plan to and wants to read this while knowing what I'm talking about - the episode "Bandersnatch" is about a kid named Stephan who has found an old Choose Your Own Adventure book called "Bandersnatch" and wants to turn it into a video game, also called "Bandersnatch." Thus when I refer to "Bandersnatch" here, I'm either referring to the episode itself, or to the almost Shakespearean "game-within-the-game" itself (as the episode is basically a game). It's all about making a decision - at various times in the episode, you get to choose how the story goes. Based on the decisions you make, there will be different endings. Got all that?

After I think I got all of the endings, I checked the internet to see if I did, and I lacked a few. But the internet itself can't agree on how many endings there are.  Some are saying there are five "main" endings (endings that prompt a closing credits sequence, rather than just resetting you to go back and choose again). Other sources say there were ten "main" endings, or give different numbers from either of those. I think the primary difference between these numbers is that some people are interpreting multiple "kill dad" endings as the same kill dad ending. I see them as distinct, different ones.

From my count, I have found 16 endings. That might not be all of them, of course. I'm not going to make any distinction between the "reset" endings and the "main" endings.  But in 7 of the 16 endings, you make Stephan kill his dad.

This episode really, really, really wants you to kill Stephan's dad. A lot. 

So here are all the endings. Also, remember that free will is a lie.

16. Back off from Killing Dad 

With a very limited number of exceptions where you can "end" Bandersnatch in other ways, you're probably going to get to a point where Stephan becomes aware that he's being controlled and demands to know who is doing it ("Who's There?"). The most logical choice here is to select a little glyph that looks like a decision tree (which looks a little, but not quite, like "⅄"). I say this is the most logical, what with Stephan seeing the symbol over and over again, and it symbolically representing the different paths he can take in the episode. I've read that the Black Mirror creators says there is no "correct" way to end Bandersnatch, but going down the decision tree glyph sort of feels like it's the right way to go, and leads to one of the longer and more complex paths. But no matter what happens when you select the decision tree glyph path, you're going to be asked to kill Stephan's dad. You can refuse and it starts over again. Then it wants you to do it again. You still refuse. Is there some moral lesson to be learned about willpower? No. It's just a bland reset that takes you back. There is no way you can take this path and not have Stephan kill his dad. Which is super annoying and seems like a lazy cop out.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? N/A. Reset ending.
• What is its rating?  N/A. Reset ending.

15. Who's There? P.A.C.S. Kill Dad. Dial Wrong Number. 

Okay, this one annoys me. You're given a code to type in. Let's say you type it in wrong because you're not paying attention or simply don't have enough time with your clunky remote. What's the difference between typing in the right code and the wrong code? Almost absolutely nothing. You still murder your dad, get caught, and go to jail. Why bother having this code thing at all if there is practically no difference between the two endings on if you type it in right or wrong (except for a little scene with a phone call)? The other version of this is ranked and explained a little bit below, and honestly I could have placed that version here at this low ranking instead of this one. It sort of doesn't matter which version I rank here. This is just a bit of a protest for the code meaning essentially jack shit.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? Yes, you filthy, imprisoned dad murderer.
• What is its rating?  2.5

 14. Destroy Computer

Pretty much identical to the below "Throw Tea on Computer" option. The destruction of Stephan's computer is dumb and sends you back to a reset point. Alas, if you take a certain direction through the narrative, you will only get these two options... which will have you saying "Whhhaaaaaaaa?" if you've already done these two things and know they both send you to reset points. Fortunately, when you're given only both of these options, it's one of those false ones where Stephan is aware that you're controlling him and holds himself back.  Still, the "Throw Tea" option presents itself sooner in the narrative than this one, which means the "Destroy Computer" option is sort of a bland rehash.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? N/A. Reset ending.
• What is its rating?  N/A. Reset ending.

13. Throw Tea on Computer

This options obviously destroys all of Stephan's work and is clearly another one of the "soft" / reset endings. Immediately after you do this, the episode is like "Okay, well that was stupid. How about we go back and try again?" Yep, that sounds about right. For reasons explained above, this one narrowly edges out "Destroy Computer."

• Is Bandersnatch Published? N/A. Reset ending.
• What is its rating?  N/A. Reset ending.

12. Take the Drug
I saw this option initially and went another way.  Then when I saw how those options went, I tried to go back and do this one but found that I couldn't. The "Take Drug" option didn't pop up at all. All I could do from the reset point now was throw it in the garbage or flush it down the toilet. After reading the internet, I leaned that this only pops up as an option if you haven't had Colin jump. So... there you go. If you want to go this way, don't make Colin jump. This one was a bit hard to find for me. 

• Is Bandersnatch Published? Yes! But it's fucking terrible because the medicine, like, stinted your creativity or something.
• What is its rating?  0/5

11. Who's There? P.A.C.S. Kill Dad. Dial 20541. 

This one is part two to #15 above. By the time you get to this ending (it's dependent on both talking about your mom to the psychologist and selecting to grab the book instead of the family photo), chances are that the episode has asked you to kill Stephan's dad about 4 times already. It really, really, really wants you to kill Stephan's dad. I'm not kidding about this. Well, if you go through with the P.A.C.S story, you don't even have a choice anymore and Stephan kills his dad no matter what. Which makes sense at this point, because this ending is DARK. Super, super, super dark. In the two P.A.C.S endings, you learn that your mom isn't actually your mom and that your dad and the psychologist are evil people who have been essentially torturing you for your entire life in a study which must be all sorts of illegal. THIS IS REALLY MESSED UP.  I should like this ending more though.  I was honestly looking for a "happy ending" to this whole thing, but this is the exact opposite - which is sort of cool. However this ending, where you actually type in the correct 2-0-5-4-1 code and call Stephan's psychologist, is BARELY better than the other P.A.C.S ending because you get the little scene where Stephan threatens the receptionist on the phone (who then presumably calls the police on him after he just killed his dad... smooth movie, idiot). But other than that, it's identical to just totally messing up the number. The game gets the same 2.5 Stars rating that it did before, and Stephan still winds up in prison. The fact that getting the code right doesn't really do much takes the wind out of this ending. Unless I'm missing something here. Still though. 2.5 Stars? That's pretty nice for a debut game! Good work! I'm sure when Stephan gets around to making his next game in 18-20 years (when he gets out of prison) it will be even better!

• Is Bandersnatch Published? Yes, and it gets an average review, which is pretty good. Although you're still in prison for killing dad.
• What is its rating?  2.5/5

Is this a Space Invaders tank?

10.  Kill Dad. Bury Body. Kitty Visits. 

As explained in #16 above, I personally believe the most likely path people will take in Bandersnatch is to get to the point where Stephan realizes that someone is controlling him, asks "Who's There?" and you select the decision tree glyph (⅄, or technically that image to the right). Since not killing the dad is a dead end, you're going to have to kill him. Chopping up his body is TOTALLY the way to go (see #3), but burying the body can lead to four separate endings, all of which lead to you going to jail, Bandersnatch never being released, and (I believe in all four), Tukersoft going out of business. The most likely way this is going to go is that Kitty comes to visit Stephan, looking for Colin (the only way to not get this is for you to have never followed Colin, because if you follow Colin he will have to jump because Stephan jumping forces a reset). This is also the weakest of the four (nearly identical) "bury body" endings because Kitty not remembering Stephan still doesn't make any sense to me. I was trying to read explanations on the internet, and some people are saying it makes sense because Stephan only met her in a timeline that didn't happen now from resetting the episode. But you can still have her NOT remember Stephan even without any resets between Colin jumping and Stephan burying his dad. By definition, Kitty ONLY comes if you do a timeline where Colin jumps, and Kitty meets Stephan whenever Colin jumps. That means no matter what timeline you're in, if Kitty is showing up to the door then she's met Stephan before. I will debate this with you until the end. This ending makes no sense.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? No, and you go to jail. You always go to jail for murdering your dad, you sadistic dad killer. If there is a single lesson to be learned from this whole thing and the seven options you have that wind up with killing the dad, it's that you will go to jail EVERY TIME.
• What is its rating?  N/A

9. Make Stephan Jump off the Balcony and Die

If you make Stephan follow Colin, you're either going to have to make Stephan commit suicide, or make Colin commit suicide. The taking his drugs thing has no influence on the outcome and is a fake decision (although it's still cool to go through this multiple times and do it both ways for Colin's "I chose for you" line). Well, guess what, moron. If you have Stephan--the protagonist of the whole thing--jump off the balcony and die... it ends. NO SHIT. Bandersnatch is published posthumously but is terrible, as whoever at Tuckersoft put the final touches on it just did a rush job. The fault in this ending is that it's SUPER OBVIOUS that it will end everything. It's still a bit fun to do though. Dark? Yeah, all the endings sort of are.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? Yes. But it's, disturbing, dark, and fucking weird. The video game reviewer doesn't actually drop the F-Bomb like I did, but you know he wants to.
• What is its rating?  No rating is given, probably due to the unfinished nature of the game.

8. Type "Toy" in Dad's Safe. Leave with Mom. Die as a Child

WHAT THE FUCK?! No. Seriously. What the fuck? I mean obviously the basic gist of what happens with his one was always going to be an option in the episode. All that stuff about Stephan feeling guilt for the death of his mom, how the psychiatrist tells him that he can't go back and change the past but Colin tells him that he can and that we can time travel through mirrors, and the stuff with the dad and the bunny... it was OBVIOUSLY leading to a situation where Stephan could go back and change the way things went down with mommy getting on the train. So I kept trying to find the path to get to something like this one. The prerequisites to this one are you have to "Talk About Mom" and "Pick Up Book" instead of the Family Photo (which are the same prerequisites for the two P.A.C.S endings). After I finally found the way to get to this option I was PSYCHED! I kept looking for the "Happy Ending" in Bandersnatch where you get to save mommy. Well, if there is one nobody has found it. Because I think you can't. You don't actually save mommy. Ever. Stephan just joins her on the train in the past and dies there too as a kid. Because she was going to miss the train no matter what and Stephan blaming himself, for his entire life, for making her late was actually wrong because she was always going to be late. Oh, and then Stephan also simultaneously dies in the present on the psychiatrist's chair. Huh?

• Is Bandersnatch Published? Uhh... I repeat, what the fuck? I guess not. Maybe there never was a Bandersnatch being made if you died in the past as a child. But you're also shown dying in the present, with the game unfinished. Technically I guess they could release an uncompleted game like in the balcony jumping ending, but it's never said one way or another.
• What is its rating?  N/A

Hey look! Tuckersoft HQ!

7. Accept to Work at Tuckersoft

Chances are that everyone who watched Bandersnatch gets this as their first ending. Who is going to actually say "no" to this option? Stephan is a kid who wants to work for this video game company. He show up. They offer him a job. Of course you say "yes!" And that ends the narrative with the result that having a team work on the game made it a terrible, terrible mess and it can only be successful if Stephan says no and works on it alone. It's sort of a strange, but I see what the designers were going for this one. It's good that the episode has one early ending with an option that almost everyone will pick to teach you how the whole "multiple realities" thing works. In fact, the creators of this show are SO SURE that you will accept this option, that even if you never do... in the "episode catch-up" clips it will show you later in the episode when you reset, it automatically shows the scene where Colin says he's met you before, which can only happen if you selected this option at least once. It still shows that Colin "we've met before" scene, even if you never selected this option.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? Yes, but it's terrible.
• What is its rating?  0/5 Stars

6.  Kill Dad. Bury Body. Thakur Visits. 

These next three are all nearly identical, and are also nearly identical to #10. As stated there, they all involve choosing the ⅄ glyph and selecting to bury dad's body. After killing his dad, Stephan will get a call from Thakur asking if the game will be ready today. If you select, "No," Thakur will come and visit you and see what's up. It ends up exactly the same as the other ones though - you go to jail and Bandersnatch is never released. 

• Is Bandersnatch Published? Nope. Enjoy prison sex!
• What is its rating?  N/A

5. Kill Dad. Bury Body. Colin Visits. You Kill Him. 

Let's say you've gone through Bandersnatch and never made the decision to have Stephan follow Colin. Well, that's good for Colin because it means he never jumps and therefore still gets to be alive. Well, for a moment anyway. Although I did have Stephan did visit Colin, Colin jumped, and somehow I wound up with this ending as a possibility too. I was confused by how Colin suddenly was alive again after having just seen a scene earlier when he was "missing." I don't exactly remember what sequence I took to get him back, but my guess is that I did a different ending and then did a "reset" that took Stephan to a point before he decided to follow Colin, and thus he un-visited him. At any rate, Colin will visit you and see your dad's body. You can either have Stephan kill Colin (this option) or spare him. I'll rank this one lower because it's OF COURSE worse to murder two people than it is to murder one person.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? No. And now you're a horrible DOUBLE MURDERER. And you murdered your hero, you sicko. Now you're basically that dipshit who killed Selena.
  
• What is its rating?  N/A

 4. Kill Dad. Bury Body. Colin Visits. Let Him Go. 

Exactly the same as above, except Stephan decides to spare Colin. It's sort of unsatisfying that letting Colin go versus killing Colin makes almost no difference at all - you're still arrested, Bandersnatch still goes unpublished, and Tuckersoft still goes out of business because it was relying on Stephan for this awesome Christmas release that never came. Still, it seems sort of cool that you let Colin live. He doesn't seem like the type of guy that would snitch on Stephan anyway. I mean he's the type of guy who will do drugs with Stephan and tell him that there are multiple dimensions and realities, so it doesn't really matter what he does in this reality. Any why have Stephan kill his hero? It would have been more satisfying if letting Colin go led to a better result where maybe you got away with it. But it doesn't. I guess teaching you that killing is wrong is a good thing.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? No, again. Just like above. Prison. Failure.
• What is its rating? N/A

3. Kill Dad. Chop Up Body. 

Okay, once you select that ⅄ glyph and have Stephan kill his pops, you should definitely go for chopping up the body instead of burying it. For one, it's a lot funnier and sicker option (Stephan's reaction is pretty funny), and also after repeated watchings it's obvious with that neighbor's dog digging up the garden all the time that burying dad is gonna be a bad idea. As I've already alluded to before, I was really looking for the "Happy Ending" to the episode. What does that mean exactly? Well, I wasn't sure, but I was looking for something along the lines of:

1. The Bandersnatch game is a successful hit; or 
2. Okay, maybe the game gets mixed reviews or fails, but Stephan is happy/doesn't kill anyone/doesn't go to jail. 

Well, I guess with this ending I technically get the first of these two, because this was the only way I could find for the game to be a smash hit that gets 5 Stars! Woo-hoo! Although not having to kill the dad would have been cool (though by this time, we all hate Stephan's dad for taking away the bunny and/or the P.A.C.S thing... so it's not like we feel that bad). Although in a follow-up, it's revealed that EVENTUALLY Stephan is arrested for the murder of his dad, goes to jail, and the successful Bandersnatch is pulled from the shelves. But whatever, this is about as close to "happy" and we're going to get, so just deal with it. Also, this is the ending that then jumps to the modern day and reveals that Bandersnatch is being rebooted by Colin's daughter, Pearl, for Netflix. Which of course now means you get to drive her insane too.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? HELL YEAH! AND IT'S A FANTASTIC GAME!
• What is its rating? 5/5. WOOOO!!!!!!!!!

2. Who's There? Netflix. Leap Through Window. Mike? 

Once Stephan becomes aware that someone from the 21st Century is using something called "Netflix" to control him for entertainment purposes (awesome!), Stephan's psychologist tells him that he's obviously delusional because wouldn't someone using Stephan for entertainment want something more... entertaining? It's a hilarious "meta" moment and a good comedy-path to end the episode with, as opposed to the many, many, many, many dark endings that involve death. Well, when she asks Stephan if he wants to see something more entertaining, he only has the "Yeah" and "FUCK YEAH!" options (I tried both and don't think there is a difference, although I might be missing something). Then Stephan throws some hot tea in her face and she turns into a kickass ninja that starts fighting him. Then you'll get an option for Stephan to fight her or to jump out of the window. I assume you'll want to fight her first, which is what I did. It's great, but leads to a reset. Try again and jump out the window. It's also fantastic and leads to a fourth-wall-breaking scene where you realize that Stephan is actually just an actor named "Mike" in a production who has gone completely fucking insane and believes he's Stephan. It's funny, but I think it would have been even better if it was "Fionn?" instead of "Mike?" (the actual actor's name). Great comedy ending.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? No. Bandersnatch never existed. It is not the 1980's, it's the 21st Century and Mike the actor has gone nutso. 
• What is its rating? N/A

1. Who's There? Netflix. FUCK YEAH! Fight That Bitch!

This one is GREAT. I love this one, although it was a hard call between #1 and #2. Technically it's one of the "soft" endings where you have to reset afterwards and pick a different ending, but it's a quite enjoyable one. No need to repeat too much of this one, as it largely follows the same as the "Jump Out Window" option explained above. Before you select to jump out of the window and see that (also funny) "main" ending, you're going to want to go through with this one and kick Stephan's dad in the balls at least once. Because if you want to keep fighting the psychiatrist, eventually the dad joins the battle too and it's like a martial arts fighting epic. I know, I know, how can I rank a soft reset joke ending as #1? Dude, I JUST EXPLAINED IT. YOU CAN KICK STEPHAN'S DAD IN THE BALLS! Joke endings are the best. Even if they're not real endings.

• Is Bandersnatch Published? N/A. Reset ending.
• What is its rating? N/A. Reset ending.

Ed Ranks Things That He Planned to Rank But then Gave Up On

The final ranking of the year (obviously). So it's a time to look back.

I've occasionally had some lists of ideas to do for rankings, and ideas stayed on those lists forever and ever. I just never did them.  Or I was going to do them, and by the time I got around to remembering/seeing it, the idea was no longer topical/funny.

For that reason, here are fifteen things that I've just decided to wipe from my list because I will never actually do them.

15.  Lists

Honestly, I have no idea where I was going with this one. It stayed on my list of ideas for years and I never deleted it, because I'd figure I'd eventually remember what I was going for. I did already do a joke ranking that was "Ed Ranks Rankings". Was this the same idea? Does the fact that rankings are already listicles mean that somehow ranking lists is funny? I'm not sure. So let me just scratch this one and never speak of it again.

This would be a dumb thing to do a list about.

14. Shoes

This was on my list for a while too. Was I drunk when I put this down? I do not care about shoes. Maybe my wife suggested it. Is that sexist to say? I honestly do not care enough about shoes to rank them. 

13. Sodas

One form of carbonated sugar water is basically the same as another form of sugar water. I'm not sure why this was ever on my list of ideas either, since I don't really drink soda or care. Besides, Dr. Pepper is obviously #1 so why bother?

12. Languages

This one could have gone bad really quickly and verged into race/cultural issues, so it's no surprise that this one lingered on a Notepad.txt file forever and never formed beyond the one word I dedicated to it. That word being "languages," obviously.

11. Cocktails/Wines

There are too many of these things to rank, and I'm sure I'd leave some really good ones off.  With food and drink items, sometimes I'm just in a different mood for a different thing and I'd rank the same thing totally different on different days.  And with wine, I know almost nothing beyond "red" and "white."  I'm okay with that. If I ever start talking about the complexity of tannins and/or the benefits of decanting then I give you permission to shoot me in the face. I already ranked countries by beer and whisk[e]y, and that is good enough for me.

10. U.S. Presidents

I always thought about ranking U.S. presidents as a counterpiece to the three-part Monarchs of England rankings, but I sort of always knew I would never do it. Why? Politics, for one.  It's hard to make any ranking that isn't just loaded with politics, especially for more recent Presidents. And, as you'll see as the rankings continue below, political-themed rankings were often put on my to-do list and then promptly never done. I left this one on my list even after I ranked Presidents by facial hair, just in case I decided I'd eventually do this.  But now I'm declaring that I never will.  Other people have done this and I'm not going to as well. Deal with it. If you're interested in me ranking heads of state, then you should just remain satisfied with me ranking Prime Ministers of Trinidad and Tobago by their middle names.

9. First Ladies

It was much more likely that I'd rank First Ladies than I ever would rank the Presidents themselves, so I left this one on my idea list for a long time, figuring I might get around to it one day.  But how would I do this? I imagine it would take a LOT of research about some people I know almost nothing about. Eh. The time I'd have to dedicate to doing would go way beyond my actual interest in doing it.

Ye olde black & white theme park picture.

8. Coney Island Theme Parks

Every once and a while I throw up quick/dumb ones that have only a limited number of options to choose from, are of minimal interest to any human beings, and that I can crank out in a few minutes as spam because I'm totally out of ideas.  This would have been one of them and Steeplechase Park would have been #1.  Sorry to all the fans of Dreamland, the original Luna Park, and Astroland who may be out there.

7. Movies that Were Better than the Book

This seemed like a good idea and I actually started to do a little research into it, as if I was going to write it.  But in the end, it's super difficult because there are so many movies and so many books out there. And I will have had to have both read the books and seen the movies to make a proper judgment. Or just fake the whole thing by seeing what other people have to say on the subject and just parrot their thoughts.  I didn't want to do that, so I abandoned this one.

6. The Periodic Table (Elements)

I started writing this one and then stopped after doing a few. Why? Oh sure, some elements are clearly cooler than others. Everybody knows that Arsenic is inherently cooler than Seaborgium and Oxygen can kick Lanthanum's butt. There are awesome and interesting elements like Neon, Plutonium, Mercury, etc. that I could write a line or two about. But who is to say whether Bismuth is cooler than Cadmium, or if Praseodymium is any more interesting than Molybdenum? There are now 118 officially recognized elements on the periodic table, and ranking all 118 of these bad boys was just going to be too long and include too many elements I simply care nothing about.

5. Trump Executive Orders

Early in the Trump Presidency, there were a number of (terrible and racist, naturally) Executive Orders.  I was going to rank them. I didn't. Why? Again, the whole "ugh, politics" thing.  Plus after I delayed doing it for too long, there were simply more and more Executive Orders.  At this time of writing, there are nearly 90 of them. That's too many to rank.

Thanks for the stick figure suplex animation, Wikipedia

4. Pro Wrestling Finishers

I kept this on the list on the list for a while because I kept thinking I'd actually do it, and that it would be a little fun. But I already did a few rankings related to Pro Wrestling, and I don't think I want to turn this into a blog about something I haven't actually watched for two decades. Besides, I think I was going to end the whole thing with a joke by ranking #1 as Hulk Hogan's lawsuit finisher on Gawker. And now that joke is old and worthless too. Hulk Hogan's actual leg drop finisher is a giant piece of crap. The best finisher is probably a Cutter, or some variation thereof. Maybe the front facelock? I dunno.

3. Write-in Candidates

Political again. I was going to put this one up in the fall of 2016, after Clinton and Trump were chosen as the respective party nominees, as a joke post about  other people you could write in at election time as a protest vote. I never got around to writing it before the election, so it's no longer topical. Plus I think the basic idea of this might have already been accomplished with my beloved  #racistgoat2016 ranking.

2. College Sports Mascots

Another one that I actually started writing before I abandoned it and threw it away. Why? Because I had to do a lot of google searching for stupid mascots. And I found plenty of stupid mascots, that's for sure. The Stanford Tree. Brutus Buckeye. There are tons of them. My problem is that I found all my search results in goddamn internet listicles that were all basically, "The 20 Worst College Mascots, Ranked!"  Which means I wasn't going to add anything new to the conversation. I'd just do the same thing that a bunch of hack internet sports writers have already done.  Also, most of them are idiots by including the UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs as a terrible mascot. That is nonsense. Banana Slugs are an obviously awesome mascot.

Not pictured: My shower. That would be weird.

1. Everything in his Shower

Does this sound dumb? It is. But this might be the oldest ranking idea that I never did. I probably had this idea on a list of things to rank even before the first ranking post went up. When I said, "Yeah, I'll start ranking things. What should I rank?", one of my earliest ideas was just taking a picture of everything sitting in my shower caddy and ranking them. This is a perfectly stupid and mundane idea that I loved from the beginning. But then again, why would I show and/or tell people what's in my shower caddy? My particular grooming and cleaning products seems a bit too personal to share. I still enjoy how dumb this idea is, but since I've gone three years without ever putting this one up... I'm just going to decide that no, it's never happening.

Ed Ranks SimCity 2000 Disasters

Behold, a UFO that's 100% not in the game.

Remember SimCity 2000? That game was fun! It's how you learned valuable lessons about urban planning, providing serves, taxing, etc.  Haha, just kidding. Not really. It's how we learned about how fun of the wanton destruction of  is (before Roland Emmerich films were a thing). Unless you were a coward who turned the "No Disasters" option on.

10. Air Crash

• Description: At random, airplanes flying around the city might crash into one another. Or if you build an airport next to tall buildings. When these occur, a ball of flames is set on the ground beneath the incident area. Even with disasters turned off, these sometimes still happen - but set no fire.
• Severity:  I mean, pretty damn depressing for all the family members of the passengers. But the fireball made on the ground is usually pretty small.
• How to Counter it: Dispatching fire fighters.
• Coolness:  I fly on airplanes way too much for this to be at all cool.  This sucks. Plus, within game there are about 5 different disasters that lead to fires. Of them all, this is pretty weak.  You can also crash your helicopter by targeting it with your cursor and hitting it.  I'm not saying I never did it myself, but it's a pretty sick thing to do.

 9. Fire

• Description: A fire starts somewhere in your city, and begins to spread pretty rapidly, destroying all buildings and infrastructure in its path.
• Severity:  These can spread pretty quickly, but are concentrated to one area so not all that hard to fight. 
• How to Counter it: Again, by dispatching fire fighters.
• Coolness:  The fire is bigger than with an air crash and spreads fast, so that's neat.  But, as stated above, there are several different disasters that set fire to your city, with the basic "fire" option being fairly blah. I think there is also a scenario in the game called "Volcano" where you have to counter a volcano, but I'm pretty sure it's just a big fire so I'll lump it under this one. And the same goes for the "Microwave" disaster which is just a fire near a Microwave Power Plant.

What a hurricane looks like. e.g. totally not in the game either.

8. Hurricane

• Description: A large portion of your city is filled with water, leaving it in total ruins.
• Severity:  This can often take up a pretty large chunk of your city, especially any parts of your city near rivers and the coast.
• How to Counter it: You can't really do anything. My vague recollection is that maybe if you dispatch forces (police, military and fire) that the specific blocks of land that those forces are stationed on can't be destroyed - but everything else around it will be. I'm not 100% sure on that though, and I'm not dedicated enough to go find an old game simulator to test it. 
• Coolness: Since the hurricane in this game acts as a really big flood, it should be cooler than a flood. But it's not. The hurricane is a big miss. Why? Because of what I just said. This is just a big flood. The game doesn't add any mega-sized tornado or anything that looks like wind damage. I guess that the graphics in 1993 simply weren't good enough to properly represent what a hurricane should look like.

7. Tornado

• Description: A twister rips through your city, destroying buildings and leaving rubble in a perfectly straight line. 
• Severity:  These tornadoes were pretty small, all things considered. And they never caused fires to start. They just turned buildings to rubble, then you had to clean the rubble.
• How to Counter it: I think these ones were un-counter-able. They just ran their course. 
• Coolness: Not very. Sometimes a Tornado would appear near a corner of a map, and would last about 10 seconds before it was done and went off the map.  And the lack of creating greater damage other than turning buildings to rubble wasn't that impressive.  Also, this game's AI wasn't powerful enough to make sure that tornadoes only effected white trash that live in trailer homes. Big fail there!

6. Flood

• Description: Water destroys part of your city, leaving rubble.
• Severity:  Mild. The areas effected by flood were generally small and it wouldn't take that long to rebuild.
• How to Counter it: Same as hurricanes above. I think if you placed a dispatch to a specific block of land it was protected, but beyond that water could fill all the blocks around it. 
• Coolness: An accurate representation of a flood, I suppose. Not that epic or amazing, but an okay, small-scale disaster. 

5. Toxic Spill (Chemical Cloud)

• Description:  Generally in an industrial area of your city or around power plants, a grey "toxic" cloud will appear and force any buildings around it to be abandoned.
• Severity:  Mild. The areas they effect aren't that big and after they go away the abandoned places are able to go back in business.
• How to Counter it: Uh. I actually don't remember. You'd think firefighters would be the best to respond to this, but you might be able to use police or military as well. At any rate, responding to the spill itself isn't that difficult. The main way to counter it is to prevent it from happening in the first place by managing the industrial areas of your city better.
• Coolness: This is cool because it teaches kids an important environmental lesson. Yeah, your city will need industrial zoned areas. But if you bunch them up and make them too big, or keep your old fossil fuel power plants around for too long - you'll wind up with these.

4. Earthquake

• Description:The screen shakes violently and random patches of land in your city explode, causing fire all over the place.
• Severity:  Pretty big, as the entirety of your city is subject to little fires that can grow larger all over the place. The disaster doesn't "end" until all of them are put out.
• How to Counter it: Firefighters, but there will be so many fires that you won't have enough. You'll probably have to pause the game for a second and look at where all the fires are, and then prioritize which ones are nearer to key and expensive things you don't want destroyed (e.g. power plants, Arcologies).
• Coolness: Awesome. Fires everywhere! These are difficult to counter, and the screen violently shaking is a good addition that really sells it.  The fact that it causes so much damage all over the place and you have to prioritize your response is also sweet.

Pictured: the superpowers of Jubilee.

3. Rioters

• Description: Riots break out in parts of your city, either because of poor police coverage, or because your approval rating is super-duper low from things like having high taxes, no services or entertainment, etc.
• Severity:  Medium-level, sometimes they could get pretty big and destroy some stuff.  Unlike tornadoes, they actually cause fire too.
• How to Counter it: Deploying police and military (yikes! Is this a banana republic?) could stop a particular riot, but not get at the root causes of the riots.  You'll also need to deploy fire fighters for the fires the rioters start.
• Coolness: Pretty cool.  I love how crime and approval ratings worked in this game. I think riots could randomly break out even if you were a fairly good mayor, but they were mostly avoidable if you had any talent at all at playing the game.  Honestly folks - how hard is it to build police stations, parks, reduce traffic, etc?  The whole "making your people happy" was a fun part of the game, and this "disaster" was probably the most interactive one because it was based on something you actually control, rather than just randomness. Its introduction to the 1993 game is probably inspired by the 1992 LA Riots.

2. Nuclear Meltdown

• Description: If you have a nuclear power plant that is either over its 50-year lifespan or that you're working too hard by having a too big city without enough power - you're going to have a meltdown where the power plant is destroyed, fires are set in the nearby vicinity, and certain titles are irradiated.
• Severity:  Pretty bad. The irradiated titles are a complete loss for you, and you can't construct anything there again. I believe I've read that some people leave the game running at cheetah speed for hundreds of thousands of years and that they eventually go away - but for all intents and purposes, this is a permanent loss.
• How to Counter it: For the fires - you can dispatch fire fighters. For the ruined buildings, you bulldoze the damage. But for the irradiated titles - you can do NOTHING. Sorry.
• Coolness: Again, awesome. Do not mess with nuclear power, people. This will ruin you. Don't be a cheap-ass if your power station has exceeded its lifespan. Replace it!

1. Monster

• Description: A large, floating, black, robotic, cyclops monster with crab arms from space will float onto your city and attack it, generally with fire.  But then again sometimes it would attack your city by planting trees, water, or wind power plants. So I guess sometimes they are less "evil monsters from space," and more environmentally-friendly aliens who want to show you the right path.
• Severity:  Honestly not that bad, and the damage they do can be quite limited. Although if they just happen to land on a super important and expensive part of your city and destroy that (or turn it into trees) - then you could be screwed a bit.
• How to Counter it: You can chase it away with military and police, and also put out any fires it starts with fire fighters. 
• Coolness: This was so cool that the alien robot monster thing was on some versions of the box art for the game (other versions of the box art had a UFO on the cover that looked nothing like the Monster and didn't actually appear in the game, which is... weird). The fact that you needed all three times of response units to respond to it (like riots) is also nice. Last but not least - knowing that it is occasionally a benevolent, tree-planting monster is also super awesome.

Ed Ranks Christmas Songs

Tired of Rudolph pictures? Tough. It's Christmas.

Obviously there are a million of them and I can't rank them all. So how about this be "Top 15" since I couldn't squeeze all the ones I wanted into the Top 10?

I'll keep the ground rules simple for this one - yes, a lot of these songs are performed by a whole lot of people. The person in the parenthesis behind the song is the person who's version is most iconic, not the writer or the first to sing the song.  As a general principle, I tried to not have the same singers over and over on the list. But that principle doesn't really apply to Bing Crosby, the emperor of Christmas music.

As always, your opinion may differ from mine but that just means you're wrong.

15. "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" (Gene Autry) - While the Rankin/Bass animated TV special tops its own list, the song just barely makes the Top 15 cut. Still, that's no insult since that means it ranks above all the unranked Christmas classics like "Let it Snow!", "Carol of the Bells" and "Christmas in Hollis." Okay, just kidding about that last one.

14. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" (Frank Sinatra) - This one deserves to make the cut, but it was hard to say by whom. It's been done a thousand times and the original version was by Judy Garland. Still, I think ol' Blue Eyes has like four different versions of this one and sort of claims it.

Once Santa goes Black...

13."Santa Baby" (Eartha Kitt) - Yeah, this makes the rankings but it's still oddly sexualized for how much Catwoman seems to be flirting with Santa Claus in order to get outrageously expensive gifts. Does this work on Santa? Do we really want to teach children that it's okay to flirty with an old, married man (remember Mrs. Claus!) in order to get better presents?

12. "Jingle Bell Rock" (Bobby Helms) - This is a great Christmas standard. I've seen people say that the Hall & Oates version is better. Those people are wrong.

11. "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas" (Johnny Mathis) - Yep, this is exactly the song in which you're thinking and the version of which you are thinking. No matter who you thought it was by, it is definitely the Johnny Mathis version.

10. "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" (Andy Williams) - This one is sort of catchy, eh?

9. "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" (Bing Crosby) - As with "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," there are a dozen different fairly popular versions of this one. I'll go ahead and say that the best version is by Bing.

8. "White Christmas" (Bing Crosby) - As above, Bing Crosby takes ownership of this one by default as nobody is better at singing Christmas songs than Bing Crosby.

See? Another one!

7. "A Holly Jolly Christmas" (Burl Ives) - This is such a happy and catchy damn song, and closely associated with the Rudolph film. It's also a much better song than the Rudolph song.

6. "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" (John & Yoko/Plastic Ono Band) - I'm not particularly a John Lennon fan, but this was a great song and, oddly, also an Anti-Vietnam War song. Who would have thought that one of the most enduring Christmas songs of all time would feature Yoko Ono and be a war protest song?
 
5. "Feliz Navidad" (José Feliciano) - A great song, and also a helpful way to begin to learn another language. Good work, José. I am both entertained and educated (e.g. willing to lie on job applications about my level of Spanish literacy).

4. "Last Christmas" (Wham!) - Yes, I am very aware that Wham! is a pop boy band duo before pop boy bands were even a thing. But that doesn't mean "Last Christmas" isn't a totally awesome song. Because it is. This song has been covered a thousand jillion times, which is a real number.

3. "Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy" (David Bowie and Bing Crosby) - How can Bing Crosby plus David Bowie not equal amazing Christmas magic? This song is great! And you know what else is great? The lyrics, "Pa rum pum pum pum; Ra pum pum pum; Ra pum pum pum." I just enjoy those lyrics. Legitimately. I'm not being sarcastic. Seriously. Onomatopoeia's are fun. In fact, here is a link so you can just watch it now and get it stuck in your head.

2. "Father Christmas" (The Kinks) - You might be more familiar with the Kinks as the 1960s-era British Invasion band who sung, "You Really Got Me." But a decade later after the invasion was over, the Kinks were still around and released this punk rock song about a gang of poor kids who threaten to beat up Santa Claus, demand money, and/or machine guns instead of toys (which can, instead, be given to the little rich boys). This is the best Christmas song that any rock radio station plays. Bruce Springsteen's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" is garbage and if you think otherwise you're a basic bitch.

This is a terrible album cover though.

1. "All I Want for Christmas Is You" (Mariah Carey)

This song is the best. Sorry everyone else. It was a nice try.  Some of these other songs may have been around for 70 years, but the youngest entry on the list is the best. It was an instant classic when it came out and Mariah's voice is (well, was) amazing.