Ed Ranks "The Greats" by Greatness, Part III - The Greatest the Greats!

Here they are! Part III of III. These are the people nicknamed "the Great," and yet they are the Greatest of the Greats. Far greater than any other supposed greats.

Abbas getting laid under a tree. Baller.

By now, I don't assume you need anything else explained to you. But as a brief recap: these people are almost always named "the Great" when you speak about them, and have no other more notable nicknames. If they are only sometimes called that, it's not good enough. Factors measuring WHY these "the Greats" are so great include the power and influence of the lands they ruled,  notable achievements, lasting cultural and historical legacy, length of reign (though if you die young like Alexander, you can still rank high by packing in so much awesome in a short time, see below), etc.

The Top 7, without further adieu, for your reading enjoyment:

7. Abbas the Great

Abbas I of Persia came to power in a troubled time for the Safavid Empire. It was surrounded by enemies, including the Ottomans and the Uzbeks. During the reigns of emperors (Shahs) before him, including his father, Iran lost all sorts of territory to these enemies. When Abbas came to power, he decided to turn things around and give Iran its balls back. He ramped up Iran's existing use of "ghilman" slave soldiers (think of the Unsullied from Game of Thrones, I suppose... though they probably kept their dicks), to kick ass and win back all the lands which his predecessors lost. Abbas was worthy of the term "the Great," by doing a 180 for the struggling Safavid dynasty to transform it to reach its apex in power. And he did this all starting when he took the throne at 16, and would go on to rule for over 40 years.

Like King Arthur, except, well... REAL.

6. Alfred the Great

Interesting fact that I just learned. Apparently the name "Alfred" means "Wise-elf" or "Elf Council." He was King of the Anglo-Saxons in the 9th-Century. What made him so great? He spent most of his reign fighting Vikings. He was dominant enough at kicking Viking ass so that he actually got one of his pagan Viking king enemies to convert to Christianity. He was also the first to unite many various smaller kingdoms in England (e.g. Wessex, Mercia, East Anglia) into one. This makes him the first true King of England. Some folks, myself included when ranking the Monarchs of England, find it easy to begin with William the Conqueror in 1066, and disregard the kings before him. In truth, Alfred the Great started it all. King Arthur is probably a myth, but even if he's based on some true king, that king would have been the king of some little bit of Welsh territory, and not a true king of "England." If you're looking for a "Dark Ages" king of England to be impressed by, Alfred should be your man. And he's the only King of England (unless you count Cnut) to ever earn the title of "the Great." 

5. Constantine the Great

Are these Disney character eyes? Anime? WTF?

Which Constantine is Constantine the Great? The exact one you're thinking of, and probably the only Constantine you've ever heard of. This is the Constantine that Constantinople was named after. This is the Constantine who was the first Roman Emperor to stop the persecution of Christians and to legalize Christianity, and who called the First Council of Nicaea in 325, which produced the statement of Christian belief known as the Nicene Creed. Depending on the source, Constantine was either secretly a lifelong Christian, slowly converted to Christianity over the course of his life, converted when he saw the sign of the cross magically appear in the sky at the Battle of the Milvian (not "Minivan") Bridge, or simply waited to convert to Christianity until he was on his deathbed so that he could be baptized and die without having committed any sins after, and thus automatically gone to heaven no matter what horrible things he did before in life (ah, the great Christian loophole!). He got the name "the Great" centuries after his death, and mainly from Christian sources who praised him for his religious policy. But in truth, this dude could have easily been called "the Great" for all his other accomplishments, even if he just remained a filthy pagan bastard without any association with Christianity. As emperor, Constantine enacted administrative, financial, social and military reforms to strengthen the empire. He restructured the government, separating civil and military authorities. He was a dominant military force, and pursued military reforms that allowed for victorious campaigns against many barbarian tribes on the Roman frontiers, including the Franks, the Alamanni, the Goths and the Sarmatians. He even resettling territories that the Roman Empire previously abandoned during the third century. This dude is Tony the Tiger levels of GRRREEEAT!

4. Cyrus the Great

Also famous fro great wardrobes.

Cyrus was the founder of the Achaemenid Empire, the first Persian Empire (a pretty damn great Empire), and yes, I have already done an exclusive ranking which talked about this badass motherfucker before. But let's not talk about how how he died this time. Let's talk about how he lived! Under his rule, his empire expanded to embrace all the previous states of the ancient Near East, conquered most of West Asia and Central Asia, and became the largest empire that the world had yet to that point in history. He would rule for 30 strong years, and is recognized as an enlightened ruler (for his time) who accomplished a number of achievements in issues related to human rights (he's featured in both Chronicles and the Book of Ezra in the Old Testament, as a noble leader who protected the Jews and helped them to return to the promised land), politics, and military strategy. He has an ensuring legacy in both Eastern and Western civilizations, with many other great leaders (including Alexander the Great, on this very ranking) considering him as their role model. All of the other "the Greats" who came after were, in a way, just copycats. This man really established what it was like to be THE GREAT. 

3. Darius The Great

They see me rollin'. They hatin'.

So yeah, both Cyrus and Darius make this list, and both are called "the Greats." You might notice that Xerxes I is never listed here, even though he is sometimes called "Xerxes the Great." He might be great, but he's not called that as much as Cyrus and Darius are. Xerxes is certainly greater than other people on this list, though the title is not universally attributed like it is for lesser "Greats." But I've explained how this all works before. So what makes Darius so much better than his son, Xerxes, so that he will make my list while the latter will not? Well, he ruled the Achaemenid Empire at its absolute peak. That was when it included much of West Asia, parts of the Caucasus and Balkans, most of the Black Sea coastal regions, Central Asia, as far as the Indus Valley, and portions of north and northeast Africa including Egypt, Libya, and coastal Sudan. Given the reign over Egypt he also had the title "Pharaoh of Egypt." He ruled his Persian Empire for 36 years, finally dying at age 64. Even at the end, he was trying to ready himself to lead more battles (a revolt in Egypt). The territorial apex that Xerxes would rule from was all thanks to his dad.

2. Alexander the Great

That horse side-eye too.

Alexander the Great is, perhaps unarguably to some, the greatest of the greats. Of course, I'm ranking him at #2, so maybe not. If you're told to name someone who is known as "the Great," you should probably say "Alexander." He transformed himself from the king (Basileus) of the kingdom of Macedon into the Emperor of a domain that would stretch from Macedon all the way east to India. His rule also stretched down the Levant, across the Sinai peninsula, and down the Nile through Egypt. He added to his title of King of Macedon also the titles of Hegemon of Hellenic League, Strategos Autokrator (Autocrat) of Greece, Pharaoh of Egypt, King of Persia, and Lord of Asia. Alas, he died at the young age of 32 in Babylon. Some people think it was poison. Others think it was perhaps malaria or typhoid fever. Just imagine how much of the world this dude could have ruled if he wasn't dead by the age most "the Greats" are just getting started.

1. Charlemagne

Yes, yes, make my statue from gold, peasants!

Charlemagne literally means "Charles the Great," so this one counts. During the Middle Ages, he united the majority of western and central Europe and was the first recognized emperor to rule a good chunk of Europe since since the fall of the (Western) Roman Empire three centuries before. His foundation of the Carolingian Empire (before him, Carolingians like Charles "the Hammer" Martel reigned as existed as kings rather than emperors) would eventually transform itself into what would become known as the Holy Roman Empire. And in case you needed a reminder on how long that thing would last, it was a political entity until Napoleon conquered it in 1806. Charlemagne was crowned Emperor of the Romans on Christmas Day, 800. So for those of you doing math at home, this one is easy. Charlemagne created an empire that would last 1006 years. So when you have crazy dickhead morons like Hitler who dream of creating thousand year reichs, remember that the idea is only slightly crazy because Charlemagne had actually successfully done that before. I'll have no heartburn if you say I'm wrong and that Alexander if the Great should be #1 instead. This one basically came down to a coin toss, with Charlemagnes' legacy after death being the more epic one. He also ruled for a lot longer, which was sort of another tiebreaker. Sometimes it's great to burn out fast and die young like Alexander rather than fade away. Charlemagne never faded away in old age though. He kicked ass for decades and only got more and more powerful as he went along ("King of the Franks" in 768, then he added "King of the Lombards" in 774, and finally "Emperor of the Romans" in 800). It's easy to think of Charlemagne as an early ruler of "France," but a more accurate word to describe what he ruled is "Europe."

Ed Ranks "The Greats" by Greatness, Part II

You saw the first six, who might be the least Great of the "the Greats," as well as an honorable mention. Now get ready for the next group of The Greats! If you don't know what I'm talking about, maybe you should scroll back a post.

This is Part II, ranking "the Greats" by greatness (factoring notable achievements, lengths of rule, cultural and historical legacy, and so on). 

Also, if someone is only sometimes named "the Great" instead of always, I don't rank them. To use a different example than I used last time, consider the case of the awesome Roman general and statesman, Pompey. Pompey is also sometimes called "Pompey the Great," but I'm not considering him for these rankings. Was he great? Yes. Was he greater than others who made this ranking? Certainly. However, Gnaeus Pompeius Magnus is so damn famous that he's just known as "Pompey." He's a mononymous figure who only needs one name, like Homer, Molière, Pocahontas, Cleopatra, Michelangelo, or Lalaine and Zendaya. So in that sense, he's too great to even be called "the Great." You can't call Catherine the Great just "Catherine" in a random conservation and expect someone to know who you're talking about, since there are a million other famous Catherines. Pompey is like that. If someone asks "which Pompey?," there are an idiot. Because nobody cares about Sextus Pompey.

14. Frederick the Great

Dude looks like he got caught by Chris Hansen.

The ruler of Prussia (ah, Prussia!) from 1740 until 1786, making him the longest reign of any Hohenzollern king (ruling for a whopping 46 years). Famous culturally for his renowned patronage of the arts and the Enlightenment, and as a military general and statesman for this success (against great odds) in the Seven Years' War. What were the great odds? Well, France and Austria had traditionally been enemies. However, they decided to team up and try to kick Frederick's ass (not without reason, as earlier in his reign, Frederick warred against Austria and annexed Silesia). With the power of Austria and France combined (along with the addition of allies in Russia, Saxony and Sweden), things didn't look good for Prussia. Until they teamed up with England, who mainly wanted to join the fight because they hated France and had hated France for hundreds of damn years. In the end, the alliance to beat up Prussia failed, thanks in some part to Russia's empress dying and eventually being replaced by the elsewhere-on-this-list Catherine the Great. Opinions on how great Frederick the Great actually was have gone up and down in history, with him being hyped up as a Germanic legend and idol by the Nazis for a while. After the Nazis were kicked out of power the cult of personality around Frederick faded, though some historians say he was a competent general and "enlightened" despot.

13. Gwanggaeto the Great

The nineteenth monarch of Goguryeo (a progenitor of Korea) who reigned for 22 years from to 391–413. His reign brought about a "golden age" for this early version of Korea, where he conquered Baekje, which was at the time the most powerful of the "Three Kingdoms of Korea," whose capital is the modern Seoul. After conquering Baekje, Gwanggaeto conquired Silla (another of the Three Kingdoms), and also sent out expeditionary forces to take over other, smaller little kingdoms that existed across the modern Korean peninsula (and also Manchuria and the Liaodong peninsula, which is now what we'd consider as China, as well as parts of Inner Mongolia and Russia). Goguryeo's mightiest point was during Gwanggaet's reign, who was the first to create a loose unification of all of Korea. 

12. Casimir III the Great

Casimir reigned as the King of Poland from 1333 to 1370, which is a nice stretch of time to get some stuff done. What did he do? He took an otherwise poor and weak kingdom, and made it rich at powerful. He reformed the Polish army. He doubled the size of his kingdom. He opened the University of Krakow (Poland's first University). Shockingly, for a medieval ruler, he encouraged protections and rights to Jews and actively encouraged them to settle in Poland. Way to go, Casimir! Now try not to die in a hunting accident. Oops! Looks like I'm 650 years too late for that warning.

The mace she beat her husband to death with.

11. Catherine the Great

Other than the fact that she fucked horses (allegedly!) and that Helen Mirren played her in that recent miniseries, how much do you actually know about Catherine the Great? Probably not much, yet she continues to be one of the most famous of "the Greats." She was Russia's longest reigning female ruler, and came to rule via the ultimate power move of organizing a coup d'état against the reigning king who was HER HUSBAND (that is so damn boss!). She used fellow Russian Peter the Great as her model of rule that included many reforms, modernization efforts, and the foundation of new cities and towns. Her era of rule is often called the "Golden Age" of Russia. Sounds pretty impressive to me. I mean, she was still a despot though. Who probably had her husband murdered after dethroning him. So there's that.

10. Theoderic the Great

A man you've likely not heard of, he was King of the Ostrogoths from 471 to 526, and regent of the Visigoths from 511 to the same year of 526 (his death, naturally). He was the man who did what many Hot Topic stores have been trying to do for years: unite the Goths. As ruler of the combined Gothic realms, Theodoric controlled an empire stretching from the Atlantic Ocean to the Adriatic Sea. This was when the Roman Empire had fallen, so you might be surprised to see a map of Italy showing it completely ruled by the Goths. Well, that happened, my friends. Theoderic rules quite a notable stretch of territory. As this period of rule falls into what many consider to be the "Dark Ages," his legacy isn't that memorable these days. While he rules a large chuck of land and there was some medieval German reputation of him as being a great and mighty ruler, the real powers of dark age rules didn't start to spin up until the era of Charlemagne and others.

9. Sejong the Great

Definitely worthy of the top 10.

It took another thousand years for the Koreans to consider a man to be worthy of the title "the Great" after the reign of Gwanggaeto the Great, but that time finally came between     1418 and 1450 for the reign of Sejong. Jump forward long after Goguryeo and you now have the ruling Joseon Dynasty of Korea. When Sejong took the throne as a 21-year-old, it was because his father abdicated to give him power. Despite that, his dad (Taejong) still tried to rule on his own until his death 4 years later. After Taejong died, Sejong wasted no time in consolidating power around himself. Among the many accomplishments he made to earn the title "the Great" include widely adopting Confucianism throughout Korea by integrating its beliefs into government practice, engaging in diplomacy with China and Japan to secure Korea's strength, strengthening the military to battle Japanese pirates and the Jurchens (Manchus), extending the Korean territory to the Songhua River and capturing a number of castles, the promotion of science, technology, and agriculture, and the creation of the Hangul alphabet - still known as used today, and more commonly simply known in the west as the "Korean alphabet."

8. Peter the Great

Czar Ron Jeremy

As you might now by now, Peter the Great was a rather hilarious dude. He was a competent and strong Tsar of Russia, ruling from 1682 to 1725 (nearly 43 years, though the first few years were joint rule with his brother, Ivan). Through a number of successful wars, he expanded the Tsardom into a much larger empire that became a major European power and also laid the groundwork for the Russian navy after capturing ports at Azov (from the Ottoman Empire) and the Baltic Sea (from Sweden). A before-and-after map of what "Russia" became under Peter's rule is an amazing thing to look at. He led a cultural revolution that replaced some of the traditionalist and medieval social and political systems with ones that were modern, scientific, Westernized and based on the Enlightenment. That also includes military reforms, that allowed Russia to become a major maritime power. The port city of St. Petersberg was founded by, and named after, Peter (obviously).  Peter's reforms had a lasting impact on Russia, and many institutions of the Russian government trace their origins to his reign. Before Peter's rule, Russia was though by Europeans as those crazy barbarians in the snowlands to the east. During and after Peter's reign, Russia was "European" for the next several centuries. Whether they are still considered to be Europeans to this day is largely filtered through the complexities of the Cold War and post-war power dynamics. Peter was arguably the greatest ruler in Russian history... oh yeah... and he also liked to get shitfaced and drink and party his ass off.

Well, there you go for the mid-tier "the Greats." We conclude things next time, with the Greatest of the Greats!

Ed Ranks "The Greats" by Greatness, Part I

Bitch, what?! Just an honorable mention?!

Lots of rulers have been named "the Great" over history, especially by their sycophantic devotees. It's a lot more than the 20 rulers that I'm ranking over the next three postings. But not really all of them deserve to be called "the Great." I can't possible list everyone, so I'm only going to rank people who are mostly or typically called "the Great," more so than others. So, while some people might call King Louis XIV of France "the Great," most people know him by the nickname "the Sun King." Sometimes Justinian I is called "Justinian the Great," but mainly he's just "Justinian I." Not that something like Wikipedia should be an end-all decision maker on this one, but if the Wikipedia article is actually named "X the Great," that's a good sign that it's the most common name they are known by.

So how am I deciding who the top 20 are? A few factors:

• How famous are these people? Is their legacy big enough that the average person has heard of them before?
• How much territory did they rule? Ruling a giant and powerful empire and being called "the Great" afterwards is obviously a lot better than being called that title for ruling a little chuck of shit like Wales (no offense, Llywelyn). 
• How long did they rule for? Being great for decades is a lot better than being great for a few years

As with some of the other "long" rankings I've done, I'm going to break this one up into multiple parts. Fun!

Honorable Mention: Ramesses "the Great"

This guy only gets an honorable mention because while I certainly think of Ramesses II as "the Great," apparently "Ramses II" is the much more frequently used title. Oh well. This is exactly the Ramesses that you think he is. As with Herod the Great (see below), this was a historic figure who got mixed up in Judaeo-Christian tales (he's usually believed to be the unnamed pharaoh of the Exodus). The history we do know is that he was the third pharaoh of the Nineteenth Dynasty of Egypt. He is often regarded as the greatest, most celebrated, and most powerful pharaoh of the New Kingdom, itself the most powerful period of Ancient Egypt. He took the throne as a teenager, and the early part of his reign was focused on building cities, temples, and monuments. Of course, he went on to lead several military expeditions into the Levant, reasserting Egyptian control over Canaan. He also led expeditions to the south, into Nubia and Libya. He also battled ancient sea pirates too, which is sweet! I have ranked the top 5 Pharaohs of Egypt before, so I've already talked a little about him (so you can read more there). Though you can never be certain with the years back then, he ruled for about 66 years, and had monuments built to his greatness at Abu Simbel, Abydos, Ramesseum (I mean yeah, obviously), Luxor, and Karnak. Yeah, he kicked a lot of butt. But some disagree that "the Great" actually belongs as a proper title for him. Therefore he's sitting here in Honorable Mention territory, rather than above some of these lesser "the Greats" who he is clearly greater than.

20. Antiochus III the Great 

At least his coin was interesting.

This dude is not that great at all. He ruled the Seleucid Empire (a Greek-culture empire, based out of Syria), and basically gave himself the name "the Great" rather than earning it. He assumed the throne at age 18 and had a number of battles against the Ptolemaic Kingdom (another Greek state, this time based out of Egypt). However, he was largely unsuccessful against them. In the middle of his reign, he was a bit more successful and expanded his empire from Greece to India. However, again towards the end of his reign, he waged a four-year war against the Roman Republic and was completely defeated at the Battle of Magnesia. If anything, he should be called "Antiochus III the Pretty Okay Who Had a Good Few Years Mixed With Some Not So Good Years."


19. Farrukhan the Great 

Ruler of Tabaristan (a province in Northern Iran) for 16 years. A pretty obscure ruler of a pretty obscure kingdom. And not for that long. Surely greater men could have been called "the Great." Yet that's what this Farrukhan is called. Don't blame me for the nomenclature.

18. Herod the Great

These worldly babies probably had it coming!

You've probably heard of this dude from "the Massacre of the Innocents" in the Gospel of Matthew if from nothing else. Herod was a Jewish"client" king of Judea from 37 BC to 4 BC, which puts him squarely around Jesus-ish time. Who was the he "client" of? Rome, obviously. People's opinion of his legacy is obviously somewhat split, with some seeing him as a great builder who launched massive construction projects (including expanding the Temple Mount) and, well, Christians, who view him as the man who orchestrated the aforementioned massacre, to coincide with the birth of Jesus. As you might be aware, 4BC would be about, oh, 4 years off from when that little rascal who was always turning water into wine was born.  "Herod experts" (if such a thing exists), believe that the biblical story from the Gospel (Herod ordering the execution of all male children 2 years old and under near of Bethlehem, including his own) is totally fictional. Without getting into that, Herod took a somewhat loose organization of the "Hasmonean Dynasty" and reorganized it into the more powerful Kingdom of Judea. Was he a terrible, murderous tyrant in addition to state-builder and building builder? Eh, maybe. But who wasn't in those days?


17. Cnut the Great

No, I swear! It's NOT CUNT!

No, not Cunt. Cnut! Cnut Sweynsson (aka Canute) was sort of the O.G. William the Conqueror. He was a Viking-blooded invader of England who seized power of the kingdom from the weak rulers of the House of Wessex (successors to Alfred the Great). Yet everybody sort of forgets about the fact that 50 years before William the Conqurer invaded and conqured England, Cnut the Great did the same thing. And he ruled for two decades! When he eventually died in 1035, he was actually king of three countries - England, Denmark, and Norway. He spent a lot of his time as King of England shoring up his reputation by "defending" it against the Viking raiders, which is ironic considering he was a Viking raider himself and was actually in command of the raiders he was defending his kingdom from. I guess that's what conspiracy nuts today would call a false flag operation. "Look how great I am, England! I'm defending you from the Vikings! What do mean that I am a Viking and that I'm actually the one who led the Viking attacks on you? Shut up! Now they aren't, so I'm a pretty good king, huh?"

16. Vladimir the Great

Vlad was Prince of Novgorod, Grand Prince of Kiev, and ruler of Kievan Rus' from 980 to 1015.  Vladimir consolidated the Kievan realm from modern-day Belarus, Russia and Ukraine to the Baltic Sea. He also solidified the frontiers against incursions of Bulgarians, Baltic tribes, and Eastern nomads. For the first part of his reign he was a Pagan ruler, but then converted to Christianity in the middle, which also leaves him with a legacy as being known as "Saint Vladimir." Wow, talk about a two-fer! This dude gets to be a "the Great" and a saint? Alas, his fame and notoriety doesn't seem to extend these days far beyond Ukraine and Russia.

15. Llywelyn the Great

His mustache was great, at least.

By the time Llywelyn came around, Wales was somewhat dominated by the English (really "the Normans") who took either directly took over Welsh lands as "marcher lords" to rule, or subjected Welsh "princes" to pay homage to England. This was especially true during and after the reign of Henry II.  Llywelyn became Prince of Gwynedd through battle in 1195 (during the reign of Henry II's son, Richard the Lionheart), and quickly tried to make himself more powerful. Gwynedd was in the north of Wales, while the most powerful of the Welsh lands was Powys Wenwynwyn, in the south. Yet after Powys' king/prince died, Llywelyn moved in and did some boss moves to try to expand his rule to all of Wales, rather than just the north. Between 1200 and 1209, now during the reign of King John, he consolidated his power throughout Wales. He and John had a good enough relationship so that Llywelyn married John's daughter, Joan, and they fought together against the King of Scotland, William I. But in 1210, King John had to "check" Llywelyn and put his ass back in line, reminding him that as a Welshman he's just a "prince" to John's "king"-ness, and making him may tributes, homage, and give over hostages. The other Welsh princes, who weren't fans of Llywelyn because he was trying to take their lands, sided with John. Until, you know, they didn't. Fortunes flipped again and Llywelyn established himself as an independent leader of Wales, with the other princes of Wales accepting the fact that they were "lesser" princes in 1216. By that time, King John was having troubles of his own with his barons. Llywelyn's rule would go on for a long time, lasting until 1240. He secured an independent and united Wales that lasted until... well... until Edward I decided that the whole "independent Welsh Princes" thing was no good and he totally destroyed them.

To be continued, with Part II in four days. You know the drill.

Ed Ranks Lost Films of 1910 Based on How Much they Sound Like Pornos

Oh yeah. This is gonna be HOT!

I've done this before with Shakespeare, but I'm sort of lazy... so why not do the same joke again? Many early films made were tragically lost, so that we can never see what they were. Other films were fortunately lost, because they were probably awful, so good riddance. I'm going to pretend that these 22 films of 1910, now gone forever, were all pornos. And I will rank them accordingly by how appealing the titles are for said assumed genre.


22. Uncle Tom's Cabin - Yikes. I do not want to imagine this Harriet Beecher Stowe classic about slavery re-imagined as a 1910 silent porno.

21. The Writing on the Wall - The title of this film does not sound like adult entertainment at all, however a synopsis of the story actually sort of does sound like one ("a young girl named Grace who becomes attracted to a wealthy man named Jack"...).

20. Moonlite - Doesn't sound much like a porno at all, does it? It's apparently about an Australian bushranger, and it's surprisingly not the only lost 1910 film about a bushranger. The other film will have a much better name for a porno though.

19. Avenged - Definitely more of an action revenge drama film title than anything else. This is about a guy trying to get revenge for being crippled by a taxi cab that hit him. Odd. I hope it starred whoever the 1910 version of Liam Neeson was.

18. Jane Eyre - I mean this could be a porn parody about the Charlotte Brontë (aka "Currer Bell") novel and character, but not really. If it were, it would more be like "NOT Jane Eyre XXX."

17. The Woman Hater - Most porn films are pretty misogynistic, but even with that knowledge I don't think many would have a title like this.

16. Mother - A few years ago, I would say this doesn't sound anything conceivably like a porno. But nowadays with all the "stepmom" and "stepsister" stuff that's on the interwebs, I guess there is a market out there for disgusting freaks who should be thrown into the pit of despair.

15.  John Halifax, Gentleman - Not a great title, but the "Gentleman" part gives it a dynamic where I could say, "Yeah, I suppose." I guess it all depends on the DVD cover.

14. Paul and Virginia - Sure, I guess this could be the name of a porno, but it would probably be a pretty boring one. It's more like a couples webcam name than a porno flick.

13. Thelma - I'm not saying that a singular female name can't work as a porno title. But "Thelma" is not a very erotic name at all. Though maybe rednecks in the Ozarks will be into this.

12. The Girls He Left Behind Him and The Iron Clad Lover - Actually two short films released together on one reel. Even though the quasi-connected films feature words such as "girls" and "iron clad lover" in the titles, neither really works that much. Although the sudden switch from one short story to another unconnected one in theory does sound very porno-ey. 

11. An Assisted Elopement - Despite having the word "elopement" in it, which directly implies a sudden and/or impulsive romantic engagement, this is not very erotic-sounding. The "assisted" part doesn't help either. Unless you think about it in a different way, in which case... eh... maybe?

10. The Best Man Wins - Sure, this could work. Either over a bunch of guys competing over a girl, or as man-on-man flick. Whatever you're looking for.

Tangled Lives: the scene before the ball gag comes out.

9. Tangled Lives - This certainly works as an S&M title, right?

8.  The Convict - Could be a prison porno.

7. Cupid at the Circus - Cupid represents love, which works. However, the setting at the circus would make me think that this film has a bunch of clown sex in it. No thank you.

6. Hypnotized - More like a Cinemax late night softcore title.

5. The Mermaid - I assume there has to be some scene like in The Little Mermaid when she gets legs. Because otherwise someone is going to be having sex with the fish half and eww.

4. The Squatter's Daughter - The word "squatter" works in its own way that was surely unintended in 1910. However, you can fill in the blank with basically any word within "The ____'s Daughter" and it could rank fairly high on this list.

3. The Life and Adventures of John Vane, the Notorious Australian Bushranger - It would work better if it was John Vein, but I still think this is a solid porno title. Come on. Bushranger! Hell yeah.

2. The Englishman and the Girl - Yep, definitely sounds like a porno and not like a D. W. Griffith film about a bunch of people putting on a Pocahontas-like play, starring Mary Pickford.

1. Mistress and Maid - It's going to take a lot of convincing for me to NOT believe this is a porno. Are the mistress and maid two different people? The same person? It doesn't matter, since it works either way. 

Ed Ranks Mining Damps

Basically the same security practices in 2020.

After an initial study of advanced data analytics, I have determined that 106% of Ed Ranks Everything readers are grizzled, old coal miners. Or maybe it was "minors." I dunno. Anyway, based on that, I have decided to really aim at the heart of the juicy types of things my regular audience (of about 4) wants to read. Mining shit!

"Damps" are types of gasses that you can find in coal mines. None of them are particularly good. Odd word, right? It comes from the  Middle Low German word "dampf," meaning vapor. There are five types of damps. Here they are, ranked.

5. Blackdamp (AKA Choke Damp) -  Worst of all damps. The nickname of choke damp says it all. It is a suffocating mixture of nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and water vapor. Fun, right? I mean, maybe if you're into being asphyxiated by gas, rather than a leather-bound mistress.This one, like whitedamp, produces no smell. It works slowly to deprive you of oxygen, so most people breathing it in just figure that they are having normal symptoms of fatigue associated with the rough labor job of coal mining. Worst of all, blankdamp can just exist in mines without you doing anything dump to make gases appear like igniting something. The equally deadly and odorless whitedamp at least needs to be ignited to start leaking out.

4. Whitedamp -  This is just another name for carbon monoxide. Just like the leaks you might get in your house, this is highly dangerous due to being both toxic and explosive, yet lacking a warning smell. This will kill you. As the ranking for blackdamp implied, this carbon monoxide can't just start forming on its own though, and it required an act of combustion to start it going. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean some idiot has to light a fire down there to set it off. Something as innocuous as the atmosphere can make coal begin burning very slowly. So slowly that it's not even noticed, and releasing carbon monoxide.

3. Firedamp - This refers to nearly any mixture of flammable gases, principally methane. Probably not good to have in a cave, right? Of course not, because it can blow up and kill you. I'd say being blown up is slightly better than being slowly chocked to death, right? Because at least it's instant. Though you might think methane stinks (if you think of farts), it's actually odorless like the first two and the smell you get from methane actually comes from other gasses that usually form along with it. If you're smelling something in a cave, it ain't firedamp. It's stinkdamp.

2. Afterdamp - This is a mixture of gases (carbon monoxide, carbon dioxide, nitrogen, and others) produced following explosions of firedamp (or coal dust). I guess it's good that this is what happens after an explosion, because it won't catch you by surprise like some of the other damps. The other ones can sneak up on you and kill you, but this is pretty predictable because it only comes after a mine has had an explosion, so you know what you're getting into.

1. Stinkdamp - This usually refers to hydrogen sulfide, which is both toxic and explosive. But on the good side? The "stink" part of it. Since it's easily detectable by the "rotten egg" smell, you're not going to walk into it and kill yourself. Unless you're pretty dumb. Let's not pretend that stinkdamp is good. It can still suffocate you. It can still blow up. But all things considered, if your cave is going to be full of deadly gasses, you should hope that you can at least smell them.

Ed Ranks Suggested Things to Eat Green Eggs and Ham In, On, and With

I would have the same face, my man.

Sam-I-Am offered the unnamed protagonist (sometimes known as "Guy-I-Am") twelve different locations or things to eat "Green Eggs and Ham" with. Note that "Anywhere" was never offered by Sam-I-Am, yet the protagonist typically ended his refusals with "I will not eat them anywhere." So technically, "anywhere" was never actually suggested. And this is Ed Ranks Suggested Things to Eat Green Eggs and Ham In, On and With.

Why are these things green by the way? Do they come from a strange variety of animal? Are they vegan-friendly plant products meant to imitate eggs and ham? Have the just gone really bad?

I do not try to answer those questions here. All I do is rank.

12. With a Mouse - This is a bad idea, and basically how the Black Plague started. Do not share your food with mice, even if you've got a pretty good feeling that the mouse is clean.

11. In a Tree - Very impractical. Eggs are messy enough as they are, and I can see someone falling off a branch while trying to eat them.

10. In a Box - What kind of shitty-ass solitary confinement Abu Ghraib suggestion is this? Maybe children eating food inside of a box is fun, if the kids are imagining that the box is something else. Like they're pretending it's a submarine, or a car, or whatever kids wish to imagine. Still, that kid shouldn't be eating there.

Cute enough, but a filthy damn thief!

9. With a Fox - I'm not sure what diseases foxes carry. They're related to dogs, so they can't be that bad, right? Still, if this is a wild fox, it would be very silly to eat eggs and ham with it. The fox likely just wants to steal it from you anyway, and run off. Oh, those tricky foxes!

8. In the Rain - I guess you could if you wanted to go for that John Cusack effect. Still, doesn't seem like the wisest choice. All that rain water getting in your eggs? The ham should be fine, but how well your eggs hold up in the rain depends on how they are cooked. Hard boiled would be your best choice, but the eggs in the illustrations definitely look sunny side up. Perhaps they are over easy. But either way, as soon as you burst that egg yolk, that rain is going to make a puddle on your plate.

7. On a Train - While I'm overall agnostic about how these eggs and ham became green for these rankings, I just gotta say that if it's Amtrak that serves you green eggs and ham for breakfast, that is MOLD my friend.

6. In the Dark - How would you eat them in the dark if you can't even see them? Or is this just a metaphor for "at night," in which case you're likely stopping in at an IHOP or Dennys at 3AM to eat green eggs and ham after a night of drinking. Who am I to judge?

5. With a Goat - I mean this is a pretty strange fetish you're carrying out if you say "yes," so I can see why the protagonist said "no." A strange man comes up to you (a man who you expressly say that you do not like) and offers you eggs and ham that are an unusual color AND to eat them with a goat. I can understand why this is so off-putting.

4. Here and There - Pretty generic. Is Sam-I-Am only referring to two places, or is this more of an idiom to represent the aforementioned "Everywhere." Obviously the protagonist took it to mean the latter, based on his response.

Go ahead and pair it with a Rt. 44-sized cherry limeade.

3. In a Car - Sort of sad and pathetic, but sure. Why not? Go ahead and eat your green eggs and ham in your car. I won't ask why. Did you get them in drive through? If so, what place sells green eggs... and are you sure you should be eating that? Or maybe your spouse kicked you out of the house and you're now living in the car. No matter what, you might want to reconsider whatever life choices led you to eating green eggs and ham in a car.

2. On a Boat - A small canoe or fishing boat? No. Bad idea. If we're talking about a yacht with a chef on it, this sounds like a fabulous way to begin a morning going through the Mediterranean isles like the rich baller you are who can eat genetically modified chicken and pig products that you paid thousands of dollars for.

1. In a House - Logically, this is the best and most valid location where you should eat green eggs and ham. An alternative is at a restaurant, but those all might be shut down by some COVID-like crisis caused by morons eating their food with mice, foxes, and goats.

Ed Ranks the Things on this Kid's Rug

You know this rug. You've seen this rug before. Chances are, you had this rug.  Here are the things on it, ranked.

18. No Fucking Clue (C) - What is this? It's a tiny parking lot with a red box next to it. Even zooming in on a higher-quality image of this carpet gives me no idea as to what this small, red box (on a small pole) is supposed to be.

17. Apartment Complex? (B) - This one is cut off, so I'm not 100% sure it's an apartment. But it looks like it is. Right?

16. Bus Stop (O) - Odd choice, but okay. Public transportation is a good thing to have. Kids would probably prefer a train station though. Maybe we can pretend that L is a train station, but the tracks are cut off. 

15. Uhh... Other School? (L) - Since I've decided that K (see below) is already a school... I'm not sure what L is supposed to represent. Is it ANOTHER school? Or maybe it's a high school while K is an elementary school. Geez, I dunno. Maybe it's a mansion?

14. Office Building, I suppose (D) - This one is tall..Let's say it's an office!

13. Burger Restaurant? (A) - I'm not actually sure what this is. The white sign on the side is vaguely shaped like a hamburger. So I'm guessing this is like they're generic McDonalds. Or maybe not.

12. Post Office & Phone Booth (I) - I would assume this is just a house, except that it has an envelope on it. And what's up with the phone booth? That's a blast from the past, huh?

11. Hot Dog Stand? (M) - Hot dog stand is my only guess for what the hell this is, with accompanying seating with umbrellas. If it's not that, I don't know what it is.

10. Church (G) - With two steeples, obviously representing Peter and Paul, respectively. If I'm going to speculate other things about this church without evidence, I might as well make up some other juicy shit. For example, this church was one of the places that the Catholics shuffled a molesting priest to back in day, when they kept moving them all around to avoid making the news. It's a good thing that the staff of the Boston Globe (Hulk, Batman, Christine Palmer, Sabretooth, and Howard Stark) uncovered at that shit. Yeah, Spotlight had a lot of comic book movie actors in it.

9. Airport (Q) - No damn way is this ho-dink town with barely any housing deserving of a major airport. And that is a major airport. Look at that plane! That's like a big-ass Boeing 737. That's no regional puddle jumper. Fun for a kid to play with, but impractical!

8. Houses (R) - So apparently someone lives here after all. A whole three damn row houses.

7. Parking Lot (H) - Pretty boring, though I suppose this town needs some parking. For practicality of what this floor mat is, I guess this makes sense. Kids will have a bunch of toy cars to play with, and parking extra toy cars here is this spot is cool. I would have never ranked a parking lot so high otherwise without this fact. It's sort of a free-for-all "dump all your favorite cars here on the map" zone that allows a kid to have a lot of cars out.

6. Park / Playground (E) - Rather than defining this pond, a picnic of people under an umbrella, and a swing set as three different things, I'm going to go ahead and say that all three together form Park Slash Playground.

5. Auto Repair Shop (F) - This is pretty recognizable, but the scale is wrong. How can this auto repair shop be almost as tall as a church and office building? How high up do they need to raise these cars?

4. Hospital (J) - Yeah, seems legit. This should be here.

3. Police Station (P) - Basically every kid has a toy police car among their collection of cars, so this (along with fire truck and hospital) are a must.

2. School (K) - Nobody seems to even live in this town since there are barely any damn houses. So I'm not sure why it needs a school. But yeah, I guess putting a school on a play rug for kids is important. Also, this school is designed so that it has two towers that look like pencils! How cool would that actually be if you went to a castle-looking school with pencil towers.

1. Fire Station (N) - If you made a children's play mat to look like a town, and it DIDN'T have a fire station on it, I believe you could legally be arrested.