Ed Ranks the 5 Worst Winter Olympic Sports

Okay, now we're working the other way from last time - with the Winter Olympic sports getting progressively worse as we go.

I do want to offer up this disclaimer: I love the Winter Olympics. They are awesome. Even though I'm calling these sports the worst of the Winter Olympics, even the worst one is still better than about 45% of all the Summer Olympic sports.

5. Snowboarding

I WANT MOUNTAIN DEW RIGHT NOW!

Snowboard can certainly be entertaining... but what is this? The Winter Olympics or the X-Games?  There are a TON less Winter Olympic sports than Summer Olympic sports. That's a fact. When I did the Summer version of these rankings, there were TONS of sports that were completely left out. But with these Winter rankings, I'm pretty much covering every single sport at the games. I think they just added Snowboarding to have another game. I don't mean to insult it in general. It's a fine and entertaining sport. I can watch it. But is it an OLYMPIC sport? I dunno. Are the Summer Olympics going to add Tony Hawk doing a 900? Of course not, because Tony Hawk is 50 years old now. But you get the picture. Just leave snowboarding where it belongs: on ESPN 2.

4. Biathalon

Wait... why I am I ranking this as bad again? This looks sweet.

Cross-Country Skiing is boring. Cross-Country Skiing is the worst. It is the Winter Olympic sport I least enjoy. I'll get into that more later, as it will be covered on its own. The Biathalon is just Cross-Country Skiing plus one other thing added. Hence the "bi" part of "Biathalon."  Do you know what that is? Rifle shooting. Yes. So I'm kind of torn on this one. As an American, I obviously love things getting shot. This sport involves skiing around for a while, mixed with rifle fire. It sounds awesome in principle. It doesn't even sound like a sport. It sounds like a scene from a James Bond movie. But it's not. If Biathalon is like any film involving both snow and gunfire... it's more like Reindeer Games. Yes, that terrible Ben Affleck / Charlize Theron movie that puts you to sleep. That's the one. And Biathalon also puts me to sleep because the damn Cross-Country Skiing.

3. Nordic Combined

Nordic Combined is very similar to Biathalon, in that it is simply Cross-Country Skiing combined with another sport. This time, the combination is with Ski Jumping.  That should make it cool, right? Well - we have the same problem as above where I'm torn.  Ski Jumping is cool. You saw it was ranked high as one of the "Awesome" Skiing events that I jumped together on the "Best" Ranking. But the Cross-Country counteracts that and evens out.  So anyway, I ranked it here next to Biathalon but made it rank slightly lower than Biathalon. Why? Because firing a rifle is slightly cooler than jumping really high.

2. Figure Skating

This is  the image I am using.
Simply out of pure spite.

I watch figure skating. I cheer for the Americans to win at figure skating. I recognize that figure skating is the most popular event in the Winter Olympics, from a ratings standpoint. But is it really a "sport?"  Not particularly. Figure Skating has been plagued with being one of the most corrupt sports in terms of judging that there has ever been. Unlike speed skating, there is no victory for being the fastest or most technically precise. Sure, they claim there is a "technical" score in figure skating, but then they add the "presentation" element where judges can arbitrarily make decisions. And the presentation score is the giant black hole of corruption and vote-trading by judges. Favoritism almost always beats out skill. All the "reforms" to the judging system made after scandals have broken out are laughable farces. In fact, the reforms may have made things worse by making the ballots even more secretive. Seriously, fuck figure skating.

1. Boring Cross-Country Skiing

A modest proposal to improve this boring sport: Doggos

While Figure Skating is a corrupt farce that isn't even a real sport, at least it provides entertainment value. Everyone likes to see people jump up and do those crazy ice spins (or better yet... FAIL at doing them and mess themselves up). What entertainment is there in Cross-Country Skiing? Fairly little. You're pretty much just watching white people exercise for 15-50 kilometers. And... 50 kilometers? Holy crap! I'm looking at the details for the last Olympics and the winner of that event won at a whopping time of 1:46:55.2.  Who has two hours to watch people slowly skii? And that time might not even be legit. The Russian who won that time had the result booted for doping. But as of February 1, that result might or might not be reinstated based on an appeal. But there is sure to be an appeal to that appeal. Who can tell anymore? Who even cares?

That's not to say that Boring Cross-Country has no hope for redemption. I offer a humble suggestion to make it better: Add Dogs. Dog skijoring is a real thing and it combines cross-country skiing with dog sledding. Or better yet... do it with wolves. I'd watch the hell out of that. It would instantly jump over to the "Best" list. It wouldn't beat Skeleton though. Although, now that I think about it, Skeleton could be improved by adding wolves too. Couldn't every sport be improved with wolves though?