This one is not going to make any sense. Just accept that I'm killing some time until I unload a number of Winter Olympics-themed rankings.
15. Mozzarella
Example News Headline: "Informant Turns Evidence on Mozzarella Consigliere"
Analysis: Nobody is going to fall for this. Mozzarella is far too famous for anyone to think it's anything other than the best cheese. That's right, Mozzarella is the best. Now you don't have to worry about me ranking cheeses in general, because you already know #1.
14. Gorgonzola
Example News Headline: "Gorgonzola-Linked Vegas Escort Service Shut Down, 14 Charged in Brothel Roundup"
Analysis: Gorgonzola doesn't sound like an Italian Criminal Syndicate. This prostitution headline does seem accurate though, because Gorgonzola totally sounds like it's an STD. As in, "You had sex with a hooker in Vegas? Dude, you better get a shot of penicillin before that Gorgonzola makes your pee burn."
13. Provolone
Example News Headline: "Former Whiskey Bootlegging Boss Francesco Provolone, 74, Dies in Prison"
Analysis: Like "Mozzarella," too many basic bitches know about Provolone for anyone to confuse it with a faction of the Cosa Nostra. Although there was once a Cosa Nostra Capo named "Provenzano," so that's close... right?
12. Parmigiano
Example News Headline: "Horse Racing Suspended in Palermo, Police Investigate Race Fixing by Parmigiano Mafia"
Analysis: Everyone knows Parma is famous for cheese and Prosciutto. While I'm sure there are indeed some criminal syndicates active in Parma, nobody would actually think they would be named "Parmigiano."
11. Asiago
Example News Headline: "Wiretap Evidence Key to Bringing Down Asiago Syndicate"
Analysis: I would not at all feel threatened if some goons shook me down and said they were representing the Asiago family. Besides, Asiago is up near the Alps. You'd be too winded from that high atmosphere to run an effective criminal enterprise.
10. Burrata
Example News Headline: "US Attorney Indicts Drug Kingpin Lorenzo Burrata"
Analysis: I suppose Burrata sounds a little bit like an Italian family name, but not much. I'm not a fan of Burrata, by the way. Whenever I see a Burrata video on Instagram, I hope it's going to be one of those awesome bloody egg yolk videos. But then when white goo flows out instead of orange yolk, I'm like "Damn... Burrata? Gross, I wanted #yolkporn."
9. Ricotta
Example News Headline: "Caporegime of Ricotta Family Found Dead in East Harlem"
Analysis: Sure. Why not? Ricotta could be some Italian form of "Richard." Although you'd think a crime family would name itself after someone's surname rather than a given name.
8. Pecorino
Example News Headline: "On Seventh Anniversary of Vanishing, Pecorino Mob Boss Ruled Dead in Absentia"
Analysis: This one could go either way. I'd think, "No, that's a cheese!" first. But then afterwards I'd be like, "Or it could be a cheese AND a Sicilian family deeply into protection racketeering."
7. Fontina
Example News Headline: "Hitman Testifies to Involvement in 16 Murders on Orders of Fontina Crime Family"
Analysis: Fontina definitely sounds like it's some Italian surname. But Fontina also sounds more like the last name of a lounge singer, rather than someone who is going to take out my knees for not laundering his money.
6. Caciocavallo
Example News Headline: "Caciocavallo Associate Convicted of Jury Tampering, Fraud"
Analysis: Oh shit! now we're into solid territory where this ABSOLUTELY sounds like an Italy-based criminal syndicate.
5. Taleggio
Example News Headline: "37 Taleggio Crime Family Associates Busted for Cocaine Imports, Extortion"
Analysis: This headline sounds straight up legit. Who would have known that Taleggio is actually a highly pungent, smear-ripened, semi-soft, cow's milk cheese?
4. Robiola
Example News Headline: "Godfather of Robiola Family Slain; Mob Chief and 2 Others Die in Gruesome Rubout"
Analysis: Robiola cheese is one of the specialties of the Aosta Valley. But who's to say that hollow-point bullets aren't also one of their specialties?
3. Mascarpone
Example News Headline: "Mascarpone Underboss Convicted of Racketeering; D.A. Seeks 20+ Years under RICO Act"
Analysis: Sure, Mascarpone is a delicious Italian version of cream cheese. But if you were in Hells Kitchen in the 1960's and some guy named "Joey Mascarpone" told you to drop a bag of cash off at the West Side piers... then you better fucking do it and not ask any questions.
2. Scamorza
Example News Headline: "FBI Raid Ensnares Head of Scamorza Family"
Analysis: Do not fuck with the Scamorzas or they will throw you in a giant vat of acid. Not unlike how fresh curds are matured in their own whey for several hours to allow their acidity to develop by the process of lactose being converted to lactic acid in order to make the most delicious Scamorza cheese. Have it smoked or fresh... your call!
1. Caprino
Example News Headline: "7 Caprino Mobsters Massacred on Saint Valentine's Day"
Analysis: Oh, like you knew the actual names associated with the respective (southern) Al Capone and (northern) Bugs Moran-associated crime factions in 1920's Chicago? I could easily tell you that one of those two sides was the "Caprino" family, and you'd just nod your head and say, "Yeah, that sounds about right."
 |
| A lethal Mozzarella Mobster... or just Paul Muni in Scarface? |
Example News Headline: "Informant Turns Evidence on Mozzarella Consigliere"
Analysis: Nobody is going to fall for this. Mozzarella is far too famous for anyone to think it's anything other than the best cheese. That's right, Mozzarella is the best. Now you don't have to worry about me ranking cheeses in general, because you already know #1.
14. Gorgonzola
Example News Headline: "Gorgonzola-Linked Vegas Escort Service Shut Down, 14 Charged in Brothel Roundup"
Analysis: Gorgonzola doesn't sound like an Italian Criminal Syndicate. This prostitution headline does seem accurate though, because Gorgonzola totally sounds like it's an STD. As in, "You had sex with a hooker in Vegas? Dude, you better get a shot of penicillin before that Gorgonzola makes your pee burn."
 |
| What a waste of good bootleg hooch. |
Example News Headline: "Former Whiskey Bootlegging Boss Francesco Provolone, 74, Dies in Prison"
Analysis: Like "Mozzarella," too many basic bitches know about Provolone for anyone to confuse it with a faction of the Cosa Nostra. Although there was once a Cosa Nostra Capo named "Provenzano," so that's close... right?
12. Parmigiano
Example News Headline: "Horse Racing Suspended in Palermo, Police Investigate Race Fixing by Parmigiano Mafia"
Analysis: Everyone knows Parma is famous for cheese and Prosciutto. While I'm sure there are indeed some criminal syndicates active in Parma, nobody would actually think they would be named "Parmigiano."
11. Asiago
Example News Headline: "Wiretap Evidence Key to Bringing Down Asiago Syndicate"
Analysis: I would not at all feel threatened if some goons shook me down and said they were representing the Asiago family. Besides, Asiago is up near the Alps. You'd be too winded from that high atmosphere to run an effective criminal enterprise.
10. Burrata
Example News Headline: "US Attorney Indicts Drug Kingpin Lorenzo Burrata"
Analysis: I suppose Burrata sounds a little bit like an Italian family name, but not much. I'm not a fan of Burrata, by the way. Whenever I see a Burrata video on Instagram, I hope it's going to be one of those awesome bloody egg yolk videos. But then when white goo flows out instead of orange yolk, I'm like "Damn... Burrata? Gross, I wanted #yolkporn."
9. Ricotta
Example News Headline: "Caporegime of Ricotta Family Found Dead in East Harlem"
Analysis: Sure. Why not? Ricotta could be some Italian form of "Richard." Although you'd think a crime family would name itself after someone's surname rather than a given name.
8. Pecorino
Example News Headline: "On Seventh Anniversary of Vanishing, Pecorino Mob Boss Ruled Dead in Absentia"
Analysis: This one could go either way. I'd think, "No, that's a cheese!" first. But then afterwards I'd be like, "Or it could be a cheese AND a Sicilian family deeply into protection racketeering."
7. Fontina
Example News Headline: "Hitman Testifies to Involvement in 16 Murders on Orders of Fontina Crime Family"
Analysis: Fontina definitely sounds like it's some Italian surname. But Fontina also sounds more like the last name of a lounge singer, rather than someone who is going to take out my knees for not laundering his money.
 |
| Delicious cheese... or DEADLY MOB WEAPON? |
Example News Headline: "Caciocavallo Associate Convicted of Jury Tampering, Fraud"
Analysis: Oh shit! now we're into solid territory where this ABSOLUTELY sounds like an Italy-based criminal syndicate.
5. Taleggio
Example News Headline: "37 Taleggio Crime Family Associates Busted for Cocaine Imports, Extortion"
Analysis: This headline sounds straight up legit. Who would have known that Taleggio is actually a highly pungent, smear-ripened, semi-soft, cow's milk cheese?
4. Robiola
Example News Headline: "Godfather of Robiola Family Slain; Mob Chief and 2 Others Die in Gruesome Rubout"
Analysis: Robiola cheese is one of the specialties of the Aosta Valley. But who's to say that hollow-point bullets aren't also one of their specialties?
 |
| This "cheese" business looks super profitable. |
Example News Headline: "Mascarpone Underboss Convicted of Racketeering; D.A. Seeks 20+ Years under RICO Act"
Analysis: Sure, Mascarpone is a delicious Italian version of cream cheese. But if you were in Hells Kitchen in the 1960's and some guy named "Joey Mascarpone" told you to drop a bag of cash off at the West Side piers... then you better fucking do it and not ask any questions.
2. Scamorza
Example News Headline: "FBI Raid Ensnares Head of Scamorza Family"
Analysis: Do not fuck with the Scamorzas or they will throw you in a giant vat of acid. Not unlike how fresh curds are matured in their own whey for several hours to allow their acidity to develop by the process of lactose being converted to lactic acid in order to make the most delicious Scamorza cheese. Have it smoked or fresh... your call!
 |
| This looks pleasantly non-criminal. |
Example News Headline: "7 Caprino Mobsters Massacred on Saint Valentine's Day"
Analysis: Oh, like you knew the actual names associated with the respective (southern) Al Capone and (northern) Bugs Moran-associated crime factions in 1920's Chicago? I could easily tell you that one of those two sides was the "Caprino" family, and you'd just nod your head and say, "Yeah, that sounds about right."
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