Yes. I'm still doing Winter Olympics-themed rankings. Let's talk about those medals now.
You know, the medals don't look the same every Olympic games. Every time, they pay tons of money to designers to try to make the medals unique and memorable. Let's look at the last ten Winter Olympic Games' medals.
10. Torino (2006) - Wow, way to be SUPER CHEAP, Italians. They simply stuck a giant hole in the middle of the medal to save on gold. I'm sure the Italians claimed that the hole in the middle was "artistic" and "meant something." Yeah, it means you're cheap, Italy. This looks like it should be a medal that Krispy Kreme gives away.
9. Albertville (1992) - This just looks hideous, doesn't it? What's with all that white? Is that supposed to represent snow or something? We want to see gold on a gold medal, people. Not white. It just looks like your medal has illegal ivory on it now. And that's clearly in violation of the 1989 Conference of Parties agreement to the 1973 CITES Convention. That's right, I know there are a select few readers out there who were BEGGING for Ed Ranks Everything to finally bring up the CITES Convention.
8. Sarajvo (1984) - Eww. What's going on with this block-ey thing? It's a perfectly good, round medal. But for some reason it's inset in a slab of other metal like they didn't know how to use the medal press machine right, so all their medals were all stuck together. They then just used a blowtorch to cut them out with those jagged, ugly edges surrounding the circle inside.
7. Nagano (1998) - Like Albertville, only exchanging the white/glass look for a black/lacquer look. We know why you have all that black lacquer on your medals, Japan. It's to cover up for the fact that you were being cheap with the lack of precious metal.
6. Lillehammer (1994) - Too much going on here, Norway. This is way too busy. And I see what you did here too. You stuck a chunk of granite in the middle of the medal and just covered it up with a little gold. THAT IS CHEAP AS FUCK. YOU LITERALLY JUST HANDED THESE OLYMPIC-WINNING ATHLETES A ROCK! Or part of a broken kitchen counter. And is that a stylized skier on back of the medal? Because it sort of looks like Slenderman.
5. Salt Lake City (2002) - I get what you were going for here, Salt Lake Olympics. You wanted the medals to be a bit of a "throw back" to the Old Olympic medals from the days of yore. They do have a sort of classic look. I think that's even the goddess Nike on one side. But even in the days of yore, they knew how to make a damn medal round instead of freaky and lopsided. Still, this thing looks solid. It will at least be worth something if you melt it down. Yeah, I know... I know, even the gold medals are like 92% silver and just gilded.
4. Sochi (2014) - As much as the Sochi Olympics were a giant clusterfuck of Russian doping and organized crime-built structures with toilets from hell, the medals do look okay. Yeah, I know they are pulling the same cheap shit that the Italians did with their medals - they have giant holes in the middle to save on precious medal. But at least they made it look kind of stylish with the mountain pattern.
3. Pyeongchang (2018) - The ongoing Olympics have some pretty cool medals. I can see how people might not be impressed by them. They're just boring, round medals that someone rubbed some sandpaper against diagonally. But with all these super stylish, tryhard designs - it's good to see a really classic and simple interpretation of what a gold medal should look like. This is pretty much what an emoji of "gold medal" should be. Good work, Korea. Although we could have done without the sandpaper scratches.
2. Vancouver (2010) - I love this Pacific Northwest flare, paying tribute to the patterns and symbols of the First Peoples. It's a round, classic shape like a medal should be - but with a creative twist that really honors the host city and its people.
1. Calgary (1988) - WOW, WHAT A SWEET LOOKING MEDAL! Do you see how that's a combined face of a olive wreath-wearing Ancient Greek athlete with a Native American? But the Native American's headdress isn't made of feathers... it's made of ski sticks, a bobsled, skis, skate blades, a hockey stick (of course), a luge and a biathlon rifle! Yes, the Canadians have the top two medals on this ranking. Canadians sure do know how to make good-looking Winter Olympic medals. But then again, they are Canadians. So their entire lives are dedicated to their snow gods, who they must pay tribute to in the form of beaver pelts and Winter Olympics medals. This is a fact. Look it up.
You know, the medals don't look the same every Olympic games. Every time, they pay tons of money to designers to try to make the medals unique and memorable. Let's look at the last ten Winter Olympic Games' medals.
9. Albertville (1992) - This just looks hideous, doesn't it? What's with all that white? Is that supposed to represent snow or something? We want to see gold on a gold medal, people. Not white. It just looks like your medal has illegal ivory on it now. And that's clearly in violation of the 1989 Conference of Parties agreement to the 1973 CITES Convention. That's right, I know there are a select few readers out there who were BEGGING for Ed Ranks Everything to finally bring up the CITES Convention.
8. Sarajvo (1984) - Eww. What's going on with this block-ey thing? It's a perfectly good, round medal. But for some reason it's inset in a slab of other metal like they didn't know how to use the medal press machine right, so all their medals were all stuck together. They then just used a blowtorch to cut them out with those jagged, ugly edges surrounding the circle inside.
7. Nagano (1998) - Like Albertville, only exchanging the white/glass look for a black/lacquer look. We know why you have all that black lacquer on your medals, Japan. It's to cover up for the fact that you were being cheap with the lack of precious metal.
6. Lillehammer (1994) - Too much going on here, Norway. This is way too busy. And I see what you did here too. You stuck a chunk of granite in the middle of the medal and just covered it up with a little gold. THAT IS CHEAP AS FUCK. YOU LITERALLY JUST HANDED THESE OLYMPIC-WINNING ATHLETES A ROCK! Or part of a broken kitchen counter. And is that a stylized skier on back of the medal? Because it sort of looks like Slenderman.
5. Salt Lake City (2002) - I get what you were going for here, Salt Lake Olympics. You wanted the medals to be a bit of a "throw back" to the Old Olympic medals from the days of yore. They do have a sort of classic look. I think that's even the goddess Nike on one side. But even in the days of yore, they knew how to make a damn medal round instead of freaky and lopsided. Still, this thing looks solid. It will at least be worth something if you melt it down. Yeah, I know... I know, even the gold medals are like 92% silver and just gilded.
4. Sochi (2014) - As much as the Sochi Olympics were a giant clusterfuck of Russian doping and organized crime-built structures with toilets from hell, the medals do look okay. Yeah, I know they are pulling the same cheap shit that the Italians did with their medals - they have giant holes in the middle to save on precious medal. But at least they made it look kind of stylish with the mountain pattern.
3. Pyeongchang (2018) - The ongoing Olympics have some pretty cool medals. I can see how people might not be impressed by them. They're just boring, round medals that someone rubbed some sandpaper against diagonally. But with all these super stylish, tryhard designs - it's good to see a really classic and simple interpretation of what a gold medal should look like. This is pretty much what an emoji of "gold medal" should be. Good work, Korea. Although we could have done without the sandpaper scratches.
2. Vancouver (2010) - I love this Pacific Northwest flare, paying tribute to the patterns and symbols of the First Peoples. It's a round, classic shape like a medal should be - but with a creative twist that really honors the host city and its people.
1. Calgary (1988) - WOW, WHAT A SWEET LOOKING MEDAL! Do you see how that's a combined face of a olive wreath-wearing Ancient Greek athlete with a Native American? But the Native American's headdress isn't made of feathers... it's made of ski sticks, a bobsled, skis, skate blades, a hockey stick (of course), a luge and a biathlon rifle! Yes, the Canadians have the top two medals on this ranking. Canadians sure do know how to make good-looking Winter Olympic medals. But then again, they are Canadians. So their entire lives are dedicated to their snow gods, who they must pay tribute to in the form of beaver pelts and Winter Olympics medals. This is a fact. Look it up.
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