Ed Ranks Tachykinin Peptides

The graphics in the first Katamari Damacy game haven't aged well.

I, like every other decent American, would like for SOMEONE to finally make a definitive ranking of Tachykinins, which are (obviously) one of the largest families of neuropeptides with an ability to rapidly induce contraction of gut tissue.  Well, we are the change we seek. I can't just wait around all my life for someone else to do this. It's time to put up or shut up. And so I will do it.

You're welcome.

5. Kassinin - If you like disgusting, gross Tachykinin peptides derived from the nasty-ass Sub-Saharan Kassina frogs, then this is your peptide. But of course you don't like frog peptides. Those are the worst.

4. Neurokinin B - Wishes it could have been an Neurokinin A. But, alas, it never had that Asian Tiger Mom to help instill the fear it needed to succeed.

3. Neurokinin A - A deeply important part of mammalian nervous systems, not to mention it's also influential on mammalian inflammatory and pain responses. So this one is obviously cool, right?

2. Eledoisin - This one is cool so long as you keep pretending that it's some type of Star Trek alien species name and disregard the fact that it's a un-deca-peptide (i.e. it has 11 amino acid units) of mollusk origin.

1. Substance P - Substance P. Wow! What a name. This should clearly be some sort of magical formula used in comic books to give people powers or something. I really know nothing about science.

Ed Ranks Possible Titles of "Avengers 4" Based on That Tweet

So, the Russo Brothers Tweeted this:

Look hard... pic.twitter.com/NxI8RFh4f6

— Russo Brothers (@Russo_Brothers) September 19, 2018

And based on that, everyone thinks this tweet contains some secret within it that spells out (or somehow otherwise shows) what the title of Avengers 4 will be.  When initially announced years ago, it was announced that there would be an Avengers: Infinity War Part I and Part II, but since then Marvel has said that the final installment would feature a different name. Which sort of makes sense, because if it was really called Part II, then it would be Avengers 4: Infinity Wars Part II, which would make it both part 4 and part 2. And that makes no sense.

You know what does make sense in an increasingly high order? These possible titles:

10. Avengers: Hertz - as the Hertz Rental Car Company themselves pointed out in a reply to the tweet, hidden in the back on the right hand side actually appears to be the Hertz logo. I mean I suppose it's possible that the entire Marvel Universe could have been set up as an elaborate advertisement tie-in for rental cars.  But I doubt it. I mean, even if that WAS their original plan... you'd think after the first Iron Man made so much money, they'd have at least adjusted their plans accordingly so that the big payoff for this film franchise would be something more elaborate than getting you to sign up for its Gold Plus Rewards program.

9. Avengers: Mary - If you brighten the picture a little, you can see that the word "Mary" appears to be written on the middle shelf on the left side of the image.  Although I don't think there are any important Marvel Comics characters named "Mary," are there?  I mean, I know there is a "Mary Marvel," but she's actually a DC Comics character. So confusing.

8. Avengers: Nachi - Nachi is written on that piece of equipment near the left side of the picture, slightly right to just where we pointed out the "Mary" thing. At first I thought it was part of some camera, but some Google-fu indicates that it's a Japanese robots company.  So... uhm... maybe something to do with Ultron? I dunno. This probably means nothing and it's just equipment. Or maybe since they are next to each other, we're supposed to read Mary and Nachi together and assume that the title is actually Avengers: Mariachi and that the movie will be two hours of Tony Stark providing a Mexican serenade to dead Peter Parker's Aunt May. 

7. Avengers: Man Sitting in Chair - Yep, I looked hard and there is definately a man sitting in this chair in the picture. I think we figured out our film title, folks.

6. Avengers: Artsy Black and White Film - This is an artsy black and white picture, so it's possible that the entire 4th Avengers film could just be a black and white prestige film like The Artist. That would be somewhat disappointing though. So we'll call this one "unlikely" as well.

5. Avengers: Ladder - The ladder is the most important and interesting part of this picture. It looks a lot like the letter A. Some people says it simply represents the Avengers logo. Some people say it is just one of many letters hidden in the photo that, when spelled out, say something else (see more below). But what if the title of the film was just "Ladder." I think it should be.

4. Avengers: Ant-Man Saves the Day - Look, Ant-Man can get really tiny, so he could easily be in this picture somewhere. Plus everyone thinks Ant-Man will have something to do with how everyone gets un-killed in Avengers 4 anyway because... uh... Something something, quantum realm.

3. Avengers: Finale - People say that they can see the word "Finale" spelled out with various things staged in the photo. The A (ladder) is obvious. So is the E, sort of (that black equipment box on the right side blocking the Hertz sign has shiny metal parts that look a lot like an E).  The other things people are using to spell out "Finale" seem sort of like stretches. Also, "Finale" would be a terrible title because this simply ends Phase 3 of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It's not like there won't be MORE Avengers films in the future, even if it is the "finale" for some of the original characters that started this whole thing off years ago. It would be silly to name this as a finale, given that future sequels with more newly-introduced characters will be a huge Disney cash cow.

2. Avengers: Endgame - A lot more people can see "Endgame" written out as well. The A and the last E are the same as in the "finale" theory above. The first E could easily be part of the shelf on the left (many parts of it look like the letter E), there are various theories about the next N and D, which are (again) a bit of a stretch, but plausible. Everyone's theories about the G all seem completely batshit crazy and I don't see a G anywhere. It's like they're just drawing the letter G on it and saying "See, there it is!" when there is no G there. And the M is... well... it could be part of that wall slanting to the right side of the picture, along with some of the objects near it.  Even before this picture, everyone liked this "Endgame" theory because Dr. Strange said some fancy, cryptic shit like, "We're in the End Game now" in the last film and everyone loved that line because fancy, cryptic shit is the best.

Hell yeah!

1.  Avengers: Mystery Cooler - Oh yeah, there is a cooler sitting by that guy's feet in the center of the picture. What is in the cooler? WHO KNOWS?! Isn't that exciting?! Could it be a second Infinity Gauntlet? Could it be Adam Warlock? Could it be a six-pack of cold, refreshing Cerveza Tecate? Could it be the Silver Surfer and Disney just has to slow-play this name reveal until their acquisition of Fox's Marvel properties goes through? Needless to say, I would love if the entire plot of this film just centered around a stupid MacGuffin cooler.

Ed Ranks the Team Arrow Members on Arrow

Oh gritty rebootness, I can sense you just by the title screen.

This is a CW show. Surely you've heard of it, no?  I'm going to be pretty loose in my interpretation of Team Arrow here, and include some cast members that only temporarily or informally teamed up with the Arrow and his fun-time, city-saving pals. 

18. Rick Gonzalez as Rene Ramirez / Wild Dog - This guy is the worst and I literally hate every second his poorly-developed and unappealing character is on TV. He's a terrible father and I hope he never gets to raise his daughter. She would be better off in a foster home run by R. Kelly.

17. Juliana Harkavy as Dinah Drake / Black Canary - Oh, a THIRD DIFFERENT (really fourth, with Evelyn Sharp) Black Canary on this show? One who just coincidentally has the exact same first name and random sonic screaming super power as one of the previous ones? Lame. This show has honestly no idea what to do with the Black Canary character.

16. Bex Taylor-Klaus as Cindy / Sin - Was Sin ever formally or really a member of Team Arrow? Probably not. But she was friendly with both Sara Lance and Roy Harper, who were team members. This sort of makes her an associate member or something, no?  Eh, moving on...

15. Madison McLaughlin as Evelyn Sharp / Fake Black Canary / Artemis - I totally forgot about this character even existing until I started researching this. Really not memorable at all. Although being unmemorable is better than being memorably annoying like goddamn awful Rene.

14. Joe Dinicol as Rory Regan / Ragman - Also instantly forgettable after his season 5 appearance. Who? What did this guy do? He wore rags? Huh?

Rose Tyler saved his ass for this?

13. John Barrowman as Malcolm Merlyn / Dark Archer - Hey look, I love John Barrowman almost as much as John Barrowman loves eating pussy, but how messed up is it that at various times Team Arrow thought it was just okay to align themselves with the main villain of Season 1 (and various other seasons of the show) who is responsible for the deaths of thousands upon thousands of innocent people. Honestly, someone on Team Arrow should have just shot this guy in the head at some point after one of their missions was over.  If I were ranking Arrow villains, he would rank high. But this is ranking Team Arrow, and as a Team Arrow ally, Merlyn is just an awful choice.

12. Manu Bennett as Slade Wilson / Deathstroke the Terminator - Yeah, yet another villain who turned into a helper and informal/sort-of ally to Team Arrow. But at least with this one they have the excuse of Slade being played as an okay dude and ally of Oliver back in the days on the island. It was only the Mirakuru serum that turned him into a crazy villain. So the excuse for eventually allying with this guy is a lot more justifiable than with Malcolm Merlyn. Eh. Still though.

11. Brandon Routh as Ray Palmer / The Atom - Ray had one good season as a solid Team Arrow ally and rival love interest to compete with Oliver for Felicity's heart. After that he was just spun off to lead his own show, basically. There wasn't much to Ray Palmer that wasn't just "this is a fake Batman," which was concerning because everything this show does about Oliver Queen is also just "this is a fake Batman." I wonder if they're ever going to introduce Ted Kord because he'll be the fakest Batman of them all.

10. Echo Kellum as Curtis Holt / Mr. Terrific - I hate all of the new members of Team Arrow, but of them I hate Mr. Terrific the least. Mr. Terrific is a fairly tolerable DC comics character. Here, he's just a fake version of Q from James Bond. I think the show even points out several times itself that his character is largely just duplicitous of Felicity. Way to frequently point out that your own show's character is unnecessary, CW.

9. Colton Haynes as Roy Harper / Arsenal - Roy Harper was okay, and I guess he's coming back to the show so he'll still be okay. I remember thinking he was a little annoying back in the day, but compared to Black Canary 3 and Rene, Roy might as well be the most interesting and dynamic character in the world.

8. Caity Lotz (and sort of Jacqueline MacInnes Wood) as Sara Lance / the Canary / Black Canary / White Canary - This character just can't stop dying and coming back to life. They kill her. They bring her back. They kill her. They bring her back. The first time this happened, she even changed what actresses played her (that's fine though... nobody cares because she was originally just supposed to be a one shot character who died on a boat). Anyway, Sara's sister Laurel was the main female character on the show and everyone figured that the sister would become Black Canary. But then Sara returned from the dead and did instead. Nice twist, I guess? Then she died again until she came back again so that she could be on a different spin-off show, but occasionally return in cross-over episodes.

Okay, well, a little derivative.

7. Willa Holland as Thea Queen / Speedy - Sometimes it's good to reinterpret comic book characters in new directions. Arrow's Speedy is an example of a time that really worked. In the comic books, Green Arrow's Robin-like boy companion was Speedy. Until he got hooked on drugs in over-the-top late 60s/early 70s era comic books where everyone had leisure suits. Anyway, the show remixed this and made Speedy into Oliver's little (also drug addicted) sister. This was very satisfying in that it added a strong and interesting female character, provided a logical reason a superhero would be hanging out with a younger kid, and also was one of the few times that the show did something to make things seems less like Batman rather than more like Batman. Look, I'm not saying that for every season of Arrow, the writers just re-watch the Chris Nolan's Batman trilogy and steal some basic ideas from it to guide the whole season; I'm saying that... oh... no wait... I was saying that first thing.

6. David Ramsey as John Thomas "Dig" Diggle / Spartan / Freelancer / Green Arrow - I want to rank Diggle higher than this because I really like Diggle. Diggle is cool. But how many times can we have a "Diggle and Oliver are angry at each other and can't trust one another anymore" plot? We need to think of something else for these two besties to do other than hate each other and then make up. Oh yeah, AND PICK A CODE NAME, DUDE!

5. Katie Cassidy as Laurel Lance (Earth One) / Black Canary; and Laurel Lance (Earth Two) / Black Siren - So (Dinah) Laurel Lance was the first main female character of this show and major love interest of Oliver, pre-Felicity. She was an Assistant District Attorney for most of the beginning of the show, which added a little Law & Order dynamic to it. As noted above in the ranking of her sister, everyone thought Laurel would wind up being the Black Canary until they brought the sister character in. Then the sister died and Laurel did become the Black Canary. Until then she died too. She's still technically dead, but the actress came back to play herself from an alternate dimension. At first as an evil version... but now... yeah... they're doing that whole redemption thing again. Ugh. Sorry bitch, your murder count is too high for anyone to forgive you. I assume they'll eventually un-kill the original Laurel one of these days. They have a habit of casting Phoenix Down potions on these Lances.

4. Paul Blackthorne as Detective Quentin Lance - For as much as they hyped up the two Lance sisters, I think their dad is a much better character. His character initially hated The Hood / The Arrow with a passion, and also coincidentally hated Oliver Queen and blamed him for killing his daughter (who wound up not being dead until she did eventually die, but then came back, but then his other daughter died and was replaced with a parallel universe version of her... this dude has a confusing damn life).  And yet he hated these two people without knowing that they were the same person. Which is a good twist because usually in these stories the person hates one version but likes the other. He hated BOTH! Nifty. Anyway, initially an fierce opponent to The Arrow and his shenanigans, he eventually became one of the staunchest allies. Until he died too. Damn it. STOP KILLING LANCES!

Ugh. Glasses. GROSS! Who would date her?!

3. Emily Bett Rickards as Felicity Smoak - Felicity is your typical "pretty ugly girl" stock character for TV and movies. She's supposed to be the "nerd who can't get a date" but guess what... she's played by a smokin' hot blonde 10 out of 10 who is just wearing glasses and we're supposed to believe that she's a dork. Sigh. Eventually they just accept that she's hot and make her hook up with the main character, so good. They also use her as the "hacker" character that is way too over-used in TV and movies these days. Any plot hole or problem can be quickly fixed by her instantly hacking into something. And yet after all this shit talking I'm still going to rank Felicity this high because I freaking love Felicity.

2. Stephen Amell as Oliver Queen / The Hood / The Arrow / Green Arrow - I mean why would it be surprising that The Arrow ranks this high as a member of Team Arrow? It's his team! They always do these plotlines where the team fights with one another and you're supposed to be able to see that good people have different opinions and that Oliver isn't always a good leader who does the right thing. That doesn't work for me. I always take Oliver's side and think everyone else is being a dumb moron. 100% of the time I agree with him. I mean other than when he stopped killing people. He was the best when he went around killing people on a random list that his dad left him even though he wasn't quite sure why those people were all on the list. Whatever. You gotta do what you gotta do to save the city. Also, when Stephen Amell takes his shirt off and climbs the salmon latter... I start to question things.

1. Katrina Law as Nyssa al Ghul - Yeah, well, you're just going to have to deal with this one being #1. Was Nyssa ever formally part of Team Arrow? No. But, overall, she did help them out on missions probably more than she warred with them. Also there is no way that Katrina Law in tight black leather isn't going to come in as #1. She's even worth an animated gif rather than a still picture.

Ed Ranks the Provinces and Territories of Canada

The most Canadian picture I could find.

I've previously ranked U.S. states. So how about we turn to our good friendly colleagues to the North, eh?  (sorry, the "eh?" is predictable and passé... but I had to). As with the U.S., I've used a number of statistic factors including how each Province or Territory rates in terms of things like population, size, income, GDP, employment, violent crime, education, gender and racial equality (the only stats I could find were related to wage gaps), health and life expectancy, mental health, suicide rates, etc.  But I've also thrown in arbitrary, un-quantifiable factors related to personal opinion to help break some statistic ties. FUN!

13. Nunavut

A scorching hot Nunavut summer day.

Look, I'm not hating on Nunavut because it's Canada's largest--yet second least populated--Province or Territory. Nor am I hating on it because it's the newest one (it only separated from the Northwestern Territory in 1999). I'm hating on it because it is, statistically, pretty shitty. It's dead last in GDP and people achieving high school or college education; an it's second to bottom in terms of issues related to crime, employment, life expectancy and suicide. Is there anything Nunavut has going for it? YES! Nunavut ranks #1 in terms of gender equality in pay. In fact, if it were a country instead of a territory, Nunavut would be the #1 country in the world with a pay gap of only 2.2% (Belgium has that honor in actuality, with a 3.3% gap). And Nunavut's income is the second highest in Canada. So it looks like women are almost equal to men in opportunities here....including, alas, the opportunity to live in a frozen tundra wasteland.

12. Northwest Territory

This territory has a very small population, which doesn't necessarily mean that it's bad.  I mean... maybe it's all beautiful, stunning mountains and wilderness. Well yeah, it has some of that but it doesn't necessarily compete with some of the other territories/provinces. Also, it has the "Great Slave Lake." Yikes. Look, I know it's named after the "Slavey" first peoples (Yikes to that too). Maybe we could rename it Great Dené Lake or something. Great Athabaskan Lake?  You just gotta understand that even though that word has a completely different meaning and root of origin... well... you know.  I'm just saying that there are still connotations related to that word which mean you shouldn't use it even if (etymologically) the two words are unrelated. Quit being so niggardly with handing out new lake names, Canada.  But anyway, shouldn't I be using stats to back up this low ranking? Sure! NWT has he highest crime rate in Canada and is near the bottom in things like high school educations, gender equality, and life expectancy. Is is #1 in income though!

11. Newfoundland and Labrador

Pretty. But also probably pretty boring.

What can be said aboot Newfoundland and Labrador that hasn't been said... uhm... actually, I've never heard anyone talk about this place before. So never mind. No. Wait. Anthony Bourdain went there, right? I guess it looked sort of pretty on that. But that doesn't stop it from having the highest unemployment rates and the largest pay gap between men and women in all of Canada. Also, your chances of getting a college education there are pretty slim. In its other stats, it's not too impressive either... although on the good side, people's self-assessed mental health there is near the top and it has one  one of the smallest pay gaps between people of different races. I guess fishing makes people happy and sees no color. I assume they all fish here, right? Or... uhm... fight moose? I dunno.

9 and 10 (Tie). New Brunswick & Nova Scotia

I crunched all my numbers and these two came at a statistical tie. So then I decided that I would use some arbitrary factors about my preferences between these two Provinces to determine which one I would rank higher. Then I realized that I have no arbitrary preferences between these two places because I really don't care or know much about either of them.  If the local tourism board of either wants to give me a free trip to learn about and experience your beautiful culture, I'd be happy to elevate you to the higher position though. Maybe even knock a few others above down. I am 100% susceptible to bribery! Anyway, some random highlights about the two:

• These Provinces are pretty close in a lot of stats like land size, population, GDP, employment, crime, income, mental health and suicide rates. They're, like, totally twins.
• New Brunswick is the second best at getting people a basic high school education, but ranks dead last in income.
• Nova Scotia ranks #1 in terms of the lowest pay gap between people of different races (I was only able to find stats for Provinces on this one though, so the Territories were excluded).

8. Saskatchewan

Excuse me, do you have a moment to talk about Caribou Jesus?

Easily ranking #1 in terms of how fun it is to say its name, Saskatchewan (Saskatchewan! Saskatchewan! Saskatchewan!) is also #1 at graduating kids from high school and has super high self-reported mental health assessments (getting a rating of "A"). However, nobody will probably ever know much more about Saskatchewan than that, because this is totally Canada's "flyover prairieland." Nestled between Alberta and Manitoba (which themselves are already dangerously close to being flyover places), Saskatchewan doesn't even have an NHL team. What kind of Canadian province doesn't even get a pro hockey team?! I assume it's capital of Regina was named after the city's sole resident. Still, its name is cooler than any U.S. state name by far. Saskatchewan!

7. Prince Edward Island

Man. Edward. What a cool name! I wish I could give it extra points for this! Well, actually I can give it extra points since they're my rankings. But I won't. Prince Edward Island is, as the name implies, an island in the Gulf of St. Lawrence that is its own Province (but it also consists of a number of other, smaller islands too). It was named after King George III's fifth child, Edward (duh), who also was the father of Queen Victoria.  Being an island is pretty cool, I must admit. In terms of ranking, this guy only came up last place in land size... which was a fairly lowly weighed element of the ranks because who cares? PEE struggles with income and employment, but otherwise is doing pretty okay. It's got great racial equality stats and low suicide rates... so it seems like this place must be, overall, fairly cool.

6. Yukon

Yeah, I know. The company that makes these is from Ohio. Whatever.

In the raw crunching of numbers, Prince Edward Island and the Yukon Territory actually wound up at an exact statistic tie. You'd think I'd award a tie-breaker to PEE for being named Edward, but in this case my arbitrary tie-breaker was decided via my warm childhood memories of MECC's Oregon Trail Spinoff, The Yukon Trail. But on a more serious and historic note, the idea of the Klondike Gold Rush does stir up some sentimental feelings that give the Yukon an edge. Yukon has this gruff, rough pioneer image of whisky-drinkin' settlers like in the old west... except, ya now, that plus freezing cold. These days, Yukon ranks #1 in Canada in employment and is also pretty good at sending its residents off to college. It has the smallest population though. And violent crime rates? Well... I guess some things never changed from those old west days.

5. Manitoba

Manitoba, come to Winnipeg and... ermm... well, that's about it. Just Winnipeg. And polar bears. They definitely have polar bears here, at least in the northern part. Good thing Winnipeg is in the south. Overall, the stats for Manitoba are fairly above average, although it never really stands out in or excels at anything. I mean if you can't even keep your hockey team from thinking that freaking Arizona would be a better place to go then... ah, I digress!  The thing that Manitoba ranks pretty low at (although not the bottom) is the racial pay gap. I was about to make fun of the fact that the stat is meaningless because it's only White people here... but then I looked it up and saw that Winnipeg has over 58,000 Filipinos... so there goes that joke. But really, the real problem here is probably related to the indigenous people, what with Winnipeg being Canada's most racist city.  Also, it's too bad the Mosasaur population of Manitoba is down to 0 these day. 

4. Quebec

Poutine though! I can't stay angry at Quebec.

I really wanted to rank Quebec lower because, let's face it, who doesn't hate the French?  Ugh. These damn Québecois and their constant demands for independence and for promoting themselves as a "French" culture. Of course, actual French people look at these guys with their primitive version of French like they're some sort of French Renaissance Faire performance. Admittedly, Montreal is a pretty nice city and it's still Canada... meaning that even if Québecois are the most rude Canadians they're still politer than anyone from any other country. Quebec has a high GDP, high employment, great mental health, and other great stats in a large Province (3rd biggest) with a large population (2nd largest). Where do these Frenchies fail? They're second to last at college education and income. And they also have the biggest pay gap between racial groups of anywhere in Canada. Damn racist French!

3. Alberta

Home of Calgary and Edmonton, Alberta is in some ways the Texas of Canada. It's got a sort of a cowboy/rodeo attitude (Calgary Stampede, anyone?). Of course in other ways it is very much NOT Texas at all and is very much Canada (Calgary was the first major North American city to ever elect a Muslim mayor, because... you know... why waist time being a fearmongering, racist asshole like in the US?).  Alberta also gets a few bonus points for Lance Storm just because.  Look, it wound up at #3, so you can probably guess that the stats for this place are pretty good. Do I really need to go through them all again? The only thing it is struggling with appears to be gender equality, where it ranks second-to-last.

2. British Colombia

BC is the Westernmost Provence of Canada, and home to Vancouver. This is one of those cities on my bucket list that I need to get to, but still haven't. It's pretty much just North Seattle, and Seattle is awesome. You might have seen it on Da Vinci's Inquest. No? You obviously were not an avid follower of the Cloo/Sleuth TV network before it went out of business, I see. Well, you'd have seen Vancouver or other parts of BC on pretty much any other TV show as well, because Hollywood loves to fly up and use it as a fill-in for U.S. cities and locations all the time. It's a good think that flags aren't weighed as part of this ranking because HOLY CRAP, BC's flag is likely the most unattractive flag I have ever seen in my life. Jesus, that thing is ugly. Wow. I... I can't even. SO BUSY! Anyway, back to the point... BC is killing it. It has beautiful Pacific Ocean coastline, it's a large and diverse land, has a large and diverse population, great employment, low crime, great high school and college education, great health and life expectancy, and so on. It doesn't really suck at anything that I used in my stats.

1. Ontario

It was either this or a picture of a beaver.

It's sort of lame and predictable that Ontario (the Provence with the largest city of Toronto and the capital of Ottawa) came up as #1.  You'd think something would have brought this down a few notches. Take crime, for instance. Big cities bring high crime rates, right? So Ontario having cities like Toronto, Windsor, Ottawa, London, Niagara Falls, etc. should bring the crime rate for the Province up pretty high... right? NOPE! Ontario has the LOWEST crime rate in all of Canada. The other stats won't surprise you. Biggest population, highest GDP, most college educated, high employment, great mental health, low suicide rates, high life expectancy, yadda yadda yadda. Its one fault? That same pesky racial pay gap that also slammed Quebec. Which is a shame, because Toronto is the most ethnically diverse city in the world. Other than that, Ontario appears to be a damn happy dreamland. So go enjoy that awesome food in Toronto from its diverse (but underpaid) minority populations! Maybe tip them some extra.

Ed Ranks Units of Measurement to the Moon

Behold the moon, foolish mortal!

The Moon is far away. Most people probably don't realize how far away it is. But sometimes it can be very helpful to provide a few different units of measurement to help someone really, really picture just how far away the Moon is.  Here we go!

10. 384,402 Kilometers - Ugh. The metric system?!?!  I'm American. I have no idea what this means.

9. 238,856 Miles - This is what I'm talking about above when I say people don't know how far away it is. I can say something is over 238,000 miles away, but most people still can't picture that. They need something that they can relate to, in order to better visualize just how long this is.

8. 1 Lunar Distance (LD) - That's right, there is a unit of distance in astronomy known as the LD, which is the distance from the Earth to the Moon. That's still not very helpful, is it? Quite the recursive answer.

7. 0.00257 Astronomical Units (AU) - An AU is the distance between the Earth and the Sun. The moon is only 1/388.6 of an AU away from the Earth. Well that's not helpful either! This unit of measurement is way too large!

6. 240 Billion Stacked Pennies - This one has the opposite problem. This unit of measurement is too small.  Although, fun fact: in the past 100 years, nearly 500 billion pennies have been minted. That means we do have enough pennies to get to the moon. Twice.

5. 69,186 Nautical Leagues - Hahaha, this one is basically worthless too, but I'm ranking it pretty high because it's fun to measure things in nautical leagues like I'm Captain Ahab or something.

4. 1.282 Light-Seconds - Yes, light-seconds are a unit of distance, not a unit of time (aside: I don't know why everyone gave Han Solo so much shit for the "made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs" line. Sometimes time and distance measurements get all messed up and confusing like this). It's the distance it takes light to travel one second. So the same light that the moon sees, we see 1.282 seconds later. Is that helpful for you? Probably not.

3. 4,203,865 Football Fields - Yikes! Over four billion is a LOT of (U.S.) football fields away!

2. 30 Earths - The moon is so far away from the Earth that you could stick 30 additional earths side-by-side between the Earth and the Moon. That's not close at all.

1. 6 CVS Receipts - CVS receipts, man! Too long! Am I right or what?

Ed Ranks 1 Star Yelp Reviews of the Gateway Arch

1/2 of a McDonalds ad.

The Gateway Arch is a 630-foot stainless steel monument to the westward expansion of the United States, located in St. Louis, Missouri. It is the world's tallest arch, the tallest man-made monument in the Western Hemisphere, and Missouri's tallest accessible building. However, 15 people also took time out of their day to give it a 1-star Yelp review. So let's check those out, huh?


15. John M. of Merced, CA (8/14/2016)

Thank you city of St.Louis for your piss poor planning during construction at the Gateway Arch. The signs off the freeway to local parking are non-existent.  Signs on how to get to the arch once you have found parking which is at least a quarter of a mile away are non existent. All this in pouring rain. What fucking idiot came up with this plan?

Analysis: It sounds like you should be leaving a Yelp review for the Planning and Urban Design Agency of St. Louis instead of for the Gateway Arch. Or maybe the St. Louis County Department of Transportation. Either way, the Arch itself had nothing to do with your misery, man. Seems a bit unfair.

14. Adrian J. of Portland, OR (4/10/2015)

It was really nice to look at from afar, wanted to go up close but having a car and finding parking nearby with all the construction that was being done made it such an unpleasant experience. I hope it changes once the construction in the area finishes. 

Analysis: I'm not even sure if Adrian went to the Arch or not. It's not clear if Adrian did eventually get there but the experience was unpleasant because of the construction, or (I'm guessing more likely) that Adrian just gave up because of all the construction. Although points for starting a 1-star review with "It was really nice to look at" before doing the ol' M. Night Shamalamadingdong twist.

13. Meghan D. of Lake Zurich, IL (3/26/2018)

"Ranger" Karen 100% ruined our experience today at the arch.  My kids who were nothing more than excited got yelled at twice by her for simply looking out the windows as soon as they got up there.  Just like EVERY OTHER KID.  My kids are not used to strangers actually yelling at them and treating th so disrespectfully.

Analysis: First of all, I'm not sure why ranger is sarcastically put in quotation marks like Karen isn't actually a ranger. She's a ranger. Maybe you think she's a bad one, but it's not like the National Park Service simply ran out of rangers for the day and just had some dentist start doing the job.  Also, I'm sure your wretched little devil spawn were being dicks that pushed other people out of the way and I don't believe your spin.  You are probably the "no spanking" type of mother that will raise sociopath criminals because you refused to let your children ever be disciplined.  I personally believe total strangers should be allowed to beat unruly children in public. Not only should it be allowed, it should be required. 

12. Denise B. of Lorena, TX (3/5/2015)

I understand the city is updating and improving the area. But the construction was bad to say the least. No signs to help either, only to say     " NO PARKING " everywhere. The closest parking that we found was 6-8 blocks away and walk in 23 degree  temps. Came a ST Louis  to visit this area and was disappointed.

Analysis: What a surprise that someone from Texas hates the arduous task of walking.

11. Trenton F. of Saint Louis, MO (8/12/2017)

The have the incompetent security I have seen.  They are also uncooperative team so called security.  Stay away from the Arch in St Louis at all costs.  They mistreat military veterans, they think you are psycho & give you as disabled Bet extra harassment. Trying to get into entrance way, despite telling them & showing them the metal devices you have on your person.  They great pride at treating US Military Vet like crap.

Analysis: Well, with his spelling and grammatical mistakes, I can tell this guy didn't enlist in order to qualify for a G.I. bill.  Also, while I don't doubt that Trenton had a miserable experience and bad interaction with security on this day, I really, really, really doubt that security was specifically trained to treat him like crap simply because he is a veteran. I'm sure they treat EVERYBODY like crap equally. This isn't the plot of First Blood. Trent (can I call you Trent?) seems like he probably pulls the "I'm a vet" card every day and every place he goes.  Also... uhm... he's a resident of Saint Louis. WHY THE HELL IS HE GOING TO THE ARCH?!  I've lived around DC my whole life. I have been to Congress zero times. Also, thank you for your service, sir.

10. Camden C. of Commerce City, CO (8/10/2018)

They said we could bring our emotional support animal but security wouldn't let us through.

Analysis: Ugh. Emotional support pet people. I'm glad airlines (and apparently arches) are banning these folks.  Yeah, I like my cats too. But I'm not a giant enough dick to bring them everywhere with me and make everyone else listen to them yowl and watch them take poops because my delicate emotional state won't allow me to be away from them.

9. Jason P. of Boulder, CO (5/28/2016)

There was a ton of construction, the pavement was very hot and made of sharp stones. Dogs are not allowed in the arch. Only one entrance and exit, we had to walk all the way back out the same way we came in. To top it all off, civil war re-enactment assholes were firing a very loud canon that scared me and my dog. Famished, dehydrated, and shell shocked, I walked into the wrong parking garage and couldn't find the car. Thankfully we escaped this hell hole, driving as fast as I could, and am now relaxing at a coffee shop out in the suburbs.

The arch itself looks like fun.

Analysis: Jason never went to the Arch and yet he left a review of it.  Jason seems to be flustered by things like pavement, the fact that it typically starts to get hot around Memorial Day, loud noises, the fact that you can't just bring dogs anywhere you want, and the fact that there can be more than one parking garage in a city.  Heads up to his family members: Jason does not seem like the type of guy you'd want as your partner in The Great American Race, if you're thinking of applying.  Jason, to his credit, does make one really good point though - Civil War reenactment people are indeed generally assholes.

8. James C. of Los Angeles, CA  (2/7/2018) 

The arch itself is really fantastic. A must see.   My review is scored so low because apparently a "must see" landmark can only be seen if you own an android phone or a pc. It would not let me purchase tickets from my iphone or my Mac. Cmon guys....I know you're an old building and historic site but you could still get with the times. I'll assume you're on dial up modems as well so you'll probably never see this review anyway.

Analysis: I'm literally on my iPhone right now and figured out how to buy tickets on it. This sounds like user error. Also, even if it were true that on the day you left this review buying wasn't possible with Apple products then it still wouldn't be true that android or PCs were the ONLY way to buy tickets. You could also... you know... go to the Gateway Arch and get a ticket there.

7. Karina Y. of Los Angeles, CA (6/29/2018) 

This was by far the worst experience of my entire life. There was a delay, yet they did not tell anybody what was going on. My family and i waited in line for over an hour and a half. None of the workers were helpful either. Also, if you suffer with claustrophobia DO NOT COME HERE. I was on the verge of tears the entire ride up. Once we got to the top, it was a tight, crammed space with over fifty people huddled together. The windows are extremely small, not permitting you to see much. I am so upset with this experience- definitely not worth my money.

Analysis: Has Karina ever had a family member die? Probably yes, because everyone's family members die because everyone dies, eventually. Well, when Karina's grandma died it obviously wasn't as bad at that time she went to the Gateway Arch... because going to the Gatwway arch was BY FAR THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF HER LIFE.  Also, she's claustrophobic, so this is mostly on her.  I have zero sympathy for Karina, but I'm going to give her points because she's such a drama queen in this review.

Tramcar or alien anal probe room?

6. Kevin V. of Clovis, CA (5/21/2017)

Being stuck in a tram car for a half hour then being stuck at the top for even longer is not a good time.

Seems like the tram system isn't very reliable and has been prone to break downs in the past.

Analysis: Oh man, this sounded like it must have SUCKED, Kevin. Good thing you're not claustrophobic like Karina Y. of California. Because then the other passengers on the tram might have to have murdered you.

5. Elli C. of Excelsior Springs, MO (9/11/2016)

we are from out of town and wanted to see this and it was a bad experience. We bought tickets for the 4:45 tour which is their last one of the day. We didn't even go up till 5:30! That's how long we waited. By the time we were done up top and wanted to pick up our picture they were shutting down and it was 6:01! They kept trying to push us out the little shop they had and we kept telling us it's not our fault that they won't let us go up at the time we asked for. They didn't care. And one of the girls in the arch very LOUDLY said "It's time to go so get in a capsule and leave now" like excuse me? Staying on the clock for a few more moments so people can see and get a good view isn't that big of a deal. Our expierence was ruined by the horrible customer service they had. Cheers to your "employees" for ruining the first time we got to see the gateway

Analysis: Again, this is unnecessary use of quotation marks around the word employees. They are employees, and adding sarcastic quotation marks around that word doesn't actually mean anything. What if I said you were from "Excelsior Springs"?  Does it look like I'm trying to denigrate that suburb of Kansas City just by placing quotation marks around it? Does it look like I'm trying to imply that the city doesn't actually exist?  I'm not quite sure. But seriously, I do sympathize with Elli on this one. Sounds like it sucked. I remember I was at the Louvre and it was 30 minutes before they "closed" and yet they started blocking large sections of the museum kicking people out. If you start kicking people out at 5:30, then just say you close at 5:30. Don't say you close at 6. Dicks. 

4. Mat T. of Wheeling, IL (7/5/2016)

The arch wait times are extremely long. There is no organization as far as lines are concerned inside. We were inside the arch for so long that we missed our cruise afterwards (we only looked out of the windows at the top of the arch for 5 min but we were standing in lines for over an hour and a half.
Total waste of time.

Analysis: This might be the most accurate description of any and every tourist trap monument that ever existed. Yes. You will stand in a long line and then look for five minutes and be disappointed. This could be a review of the Eiffel Tower, the Burj Khalifa, the Statue of Liberty, the Blarney Stone, the Grand Canyon.... or really anything.  But you gotta take some personal responsibility for your own time mismanagement and missing your cruise.

3. Jasmine B. of Arvada, CO (3/11/2014)

Don't waste your time going up in the arch. What a joke. You spend 10 a person and get a ticket for a "tour". Your tour consists of someone taking your ticket and you waiting in line for an hour to go up the arch to the top. Once you get there you can view the city through 6 inch windows. Kicker, you get to wait in line again to go back down. Don't waste your time.  Go find something to do other than stand around in a line.

Analysis: Like Mat T., Jasmine B. has truly described the essence of visiting mass tourism sites. I hope this is a learning experience for you, Jasmine. I don't want to look at your other Yelp reviews and see you surprised when the same thing happens to you at the Empire State Building. Also, $10 doesn't seem that pricey and if that's the type of cost you're complaining about I don't think you should be doing any vacationing anywhere.

2. Amanda H. of Mount Juliet, TN (6/15/2017)

Called ahead to find out how long the wait time is from the time the tickets are purchased to get to the top. Operator on the phone told me after tickets are purchased it should be a straight shot up, no wait time. Walked all the way here after 20 minutes found out that tickets to go up were not for three more hours. Could not take family up to the top of the arch. Then had to walk all the way back. What the girl should have said was if you purchase tickets online way in advance you can go straight up but if you use any of the ticket kiosk at the Capitol building or the kiosk below the arts, it is at least a three hour wait. If you are bringing small children I highly recommend you buy tickets in advance because the apparatus have no idea what they're doing.

Analysis: This sounds like the phone operator's fault, so I'm going to take Amanda's side on this one.

 1. Phillip L. of Lakewood, Dallas, TX (8/7/2016)

The whole place is trashed. 2:55 tickets means get in line at 2:55, then wait 30 minutes and hope the elevator doesn't keep breaking down. Shutdown and work 24 hours to finish this mess.

Analysis: I can't knock this review at all. It's short, gets right to the point, and even provides a suggestion to temporarily shut down to fix the elevators. I suppose if I wanted to nitpick anything about this, it would be that Phillip seems to vastly underestimate the time it would take to repair a 50+ year old elevator system.  I bet it would take a lot longer than 24 hours.

Ed Ranks the Seven Seals of the Apocalypse

7. Seventh Seal: Seven Angels with Trumpets

You'd think the final seal would be something REALLY foreboding, or cryptic, or at least cool. But no. Here we get something that might as well be a lyric from the Twelve Days of Christmas.  Seven Trumpeters-a-Trumpeting; Six Geese-a-Laying; Fiiiiiiiiive Golden Rings!  Oh. They also have bowls. Yes. The angels have bowls because they're about to eat, presumably, Cheerios.

Come on black horseman, step your game up. 

6. Third Seal: Black Horse

Upon the black horse rides the third of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and he has upon him a "pair of balances," which I assume means a scale. What's he going to do with that scale? Take a measure of wheat and three measures of barley? That's not very threatening, black horseman. You could have really done a lot better if you found some sort of weapon like a scythe. I mean even a leather jacket would have been nice if you'd rather do clothing than weaponry. How about an accessory? If Jessie Ventura pulled off a feather boa, I bet you could too.

5. Fourth Seal: Pale Horse

Upon the pale horse rides the last of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and he has upon him a name tag that says "Death." I'm not kidding. It says (King James Version) "his name that sat on him was Death," which I assume means that he had one of those, "Hello, My Name Is ______" tags on him with "Death" written with a Sharpie. That's sort of cool, but the fact that he rides a "pale horse" takes some points away. Pale horse? The first horseman already had a white horse! How is this any different? This is just another white horse, isn't it? These freaking bible people ran out of horse colors after three and couldn't think of another. What about gray? Chestnut? I mean, I know it doesn't sound that threatening but maybe we could have had something like, "And behold, for Death rode upon a Palomino who sayeth, 'Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.'"

Throw your hands in the air...
and wave 'em like you just don't care.

4. Fifth Seal: Souls of Martyrs

Holy crap. When the fifth seal was opened it revealed the soul of every single martyr killed EVER. That's pretty epic. You'd think this would be a LOT of people, right? Or maybe it's just like 18 people and all the other people we say are martyrs were just faking being the true ambassadors of the Lord. And all these guys got to wear white robes and stuff. That's pretty boring though. Did God just wind up with a bunch of extra white robes from Overstock?
3. First Seal: White Horse 

Upon the white horse rides the first of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and he has upon him a crown and is armed with a bow. Cool beans. I guess this dude is some sort of king. A king good at archery! So this was probably just some sort of poetic foreshadowing of the coming of 20th century theatrical producer Archer King.

2. Second Seal: Red Horse

Upon the red horse rides the second of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, and he has upon him a great sword. Swords are awesome. That red horse and big sword should really scare some people!  This is quite the menacing harbinger of the end times, I'd say.

1. Sixth Seal: Great Earthquake and Darkness

I'm not exactly quite sure how this seal works, but I assume upon opening the seal, a gigantic earthquake occurred. Which means that this seal was less of a seal on a letter or scroll and more of a complexly engineered seal that was buffering the Pacific and North American Plates. And by opening the seal... you just jacked up the San Andreas Fault and sunk Oakland into the sea. Why does the sun go black too? Well, I dunno... I guess a volcano must have gone off as well and sent ash into the sky. Stop asking me questions.

Ed Ranks Brent Smith's Names

Screaming? Loco? Don't say you know.

At least, you know, according to the 2012 Shinedown song "My Name (Wearing Me Out)."


7.  Searching

• Reasoning: Since you stole his only soul. 
• Analysis: "Searching" is an awful name. "Come here, Searching! Get your dinner, Searching!" Man, this name is awful. Who uses present tense verbs for names?

 6. Empty

• Reasoning: 'Cause you drained away the love.
• Analysis: Empty is a pretty bad name. It's not as bad as "Searching," but it's up there in the pinnacle of terribleness.

5. Worthless

• Reasoning: Like you told him he once was.
• Analysis: I know that you might think that "Worthless" would be a worse name than "Searching" or "Empty" because it's very insulting. True. But at least it's a name people are actually occasionally called. Have I called people worthless? Yes. I've sure as hell never called anyone "Searching." And I'd certainly rather be worthless than empty.

4. Screaming

• Reasoning: Like the sound of your heart failing.
• Analysis: Screaming could be cool. Like Axl Rose screaming is awesome. But what if the name is "Screaming" as in screaming like an annoying baby. That's no good at all.

3. Revenge

• Reasoning: He's here to save his name.
• Analysis: Revenge is a cool concept. Nobody loves a good revenge movie more than me! But is it a good name? Not really. I'm glad that "The Punisher" named himself that rather than calling himself "Revenge."

2. Hatred

• Reasoning: Reasons they both know.
• Analysis: I guess I would consider naming my son "Hatred." Would other kids mess with Hatred? You'd think they'd be smarter than that. I would need to start training my son MMA moves in preschool just to make sure he can live up to the name.

1. Loco

• Reasoning: Like the motive that betrayed him.
• Analysis: I mean this is a fantastic nickname, at least. I'm not sure if it's the type of name someone should have on their birth certificate, but as a nickname "Loco" seems pretty cool.