Yep. Through cultivation of desirable traits and hybridization and… uh… like other science biology stuff. Sorry, I didn’t do great in High School biology. That was a time I got really into stuff like WCW and the now being 4 lyfe… so I sort of didn’t do a swell job at paying attention.
Brassica Oleracea. In it’s original form before human fucking-around-with (again… a biological term, I think) it is simply “wild cabbage.” But after cultivation it became a whole bunch of different “cabbage family” foods.
Here they are, ranked.
10. Kohlrabi
Who eats kohlrabi? Absolutely no one. This version of the cabbage was bred to have a big root to eat. Which at first sounds gross, until you think about other similar plants like Brassica rapa, which can be delicious either in a leaf cultivar form (bok choi or Napa cabbage) or in a root form (turnips!) Well, kohlrabi might want to be the Brassica Oleracea version of turnips, but it’s not.
9. Kalette
This one was almost too obscure to rank, because it’s a hybrid of two cultivars: kale and brussels sprouts. Oh, so spoiler alert: kale and brussels sprouts are coming up later on the list. Anyway. This is… edible. It’s like little small kale. Nothing to write hope about.
8. Gai Lan
Sometimes called “Chinese broccoli” or “Chinese kale.” You’ve maybe seen this cut up leafy veggie with a thick stem as part of dim sum. Buy beyond that? Eh, its culinary uses are rather limited. Not exactly the most diverse member of the cabbage family. Plus a later item on this list is a hybrid with another thing that makes it better.
7. “Cabbage”
Okay, so there are actually quite a few different sub-species of cabbage, but for the most part (other than some things like Napa cabbage), all the most popularly consumed cabbages are Brassica Oleracea. This includes savoy cabbage, red cabbage, even a lot of those “decorative” cabbages they sell that you’re not supposed to eat. Why does cabbage rank so low when it’s actually the mother and “truest” form of this plant? Because… eh… well… it’s just cabbage. Kind of boring, right? No wonder we cultivated it and manipulated it into becoming tastier things. But not kohlrabi. That one was a mistake.
6. Collard Greens
I do like collard greens, but like gai lan it suffers from a “you only use it for one thing” type of problem. Southern-style greens using collards are delicious, but honestly you can make the same recipe with other greens too and it tastes about the same after stewing in a pot with onions and pork fat and all those delicious spices. Mad respect to these greens, but there are five better cultivars.
5. Cauliflower
Cauliflower is nice and crunchy, and you can dip it in things like hummus. But let’s not pretend it’s anything other than broccoli’s less tasty, pale-ass cousin. Still, given how dense it is, it survives really well with all sorts of breading and frying techniques. I’ve sucked personally at trying to make things like “cauliflower steaks” but I’ve been to some restaurants of all types (Indian, Mexican) that do AMAZING things to cauliflower.
4. Kale
Kale had its moments when everyone was making kale salads, drying kale to make kale chips, blending up kale to put in everything. That fad has mostly passed, but kale is still good. It’s probably like my #2 leafy veggie after spinach. You can use it in a million different ways and I guess it’s, like, healthy or something?
3. Brussels Sprouts
Brussels sprouts absolutely sucked when I was a kid. At first I just blamed my parent’s cooking. And maybe that is partially to blame. I remember lots of microwaving and boiling in my childhood. But then I also read an article about how Brussels sprouts got hybridized for size and looks for several years, at the cost of flavor – eventually becoming bitter garbage. That bitter garbage is what I remember from my childhood. Now Brussels sprouts tastes better. Is it just part of me growing up and having a more sophisticated palette? Perhaps somewhat – but apparently the food industry eventually realized that they made Brussels sprouts taste like shit, and since that time has corrected their ways and bred them to be tastier. And wow some people sure know how to cook these things up great. Now you can get Brussels sprouts in so many crispy and delicious ways it’s made me forget all about the bitter microwaved baby cabbage of my childhood.
2. Broccolini
Broccolini is the better gai lan hybrid that I was referring to earlier (and if you can’t guess what other plant the gai lan is hybridized with, perhaps you should go back and re-read this entry name). I’ve seen it used very much in the same way that gai lan is used. In fact, I’m sure that here in the US, most dim sum places actually use broccolini instead of gai lan. But broccolini one ups its cousin by having that nicer, broccoli-like head. It can be used much more widely than just dim sum, and it’s an excellent choice to marinate and grill. Sometimes I think that it’s even better than broccoli because I like how it’s long with that tasty stem. And honestly broccolini does probably beat broccoli in cooked (especially grilled) form. But not in every form.
1. Broccoli
Broccoli is fantastic. It’s little floofy crown / flower head sucks up flavors so well, whether you’re taking raw broccoli and putting it in some dip, or if you’re marinating broccoli to cook it. It grabs onto all that sauce/dip/marinade/whatever and holds it tight. And honestly, the stalk part of it that a lot of people discard isn’t so bad either. There are few other veggies that taste so good both raw and cooked. In the end, that’s what gives the OG broccoli the win over it’s BROther BROccolioni. While broccolini might be better than broccoli when cooked in a dim sum or marinated and thrown on a grill… it’s NOT better than broccoli just to snack on with something like a hummus or a ranch dip. So there you have it, Broccoli is the KING of Brassica Oleracea and so it gets to wear the crown. Get it? Get it? Crown? Because… you know… broccoli.
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