Ed Ranks the Provinces and Territories of Canada

The most Canadian picture I could find.

I've previously ranked U.S. states. So how about we turn to our good friendly colleagues to the North, eh?  (sorry, the "eh?" is predictable and passé... but I had to). As with the U.S., I've used a number of statistic factors including how each Province or Territory rates in terms of things like population, size, income, GDP, employment, violent crime, education, gender and racial equality (the only stats I could find were related to wage gaps), health and life expectancy, mental health, suicide rates, etc.  But I've also thrown in arbitrary, un-quantifiable factors related to personal opinion to help break some statistic ties. FUN!

13. Nunavut

A scorching hot Nunavut summer day.

Look, I'm not hating on Nunavut because it's Canada's largest--yet second least populated--Province or Territory. Nor am I hating on it because it's the newest one (it only separated from the Northwestern Territory in 1999). I'm hating on it because it is, statistically, pretty shitty. It's dead last in GDP and people achieving high school or college education; an it's second to bottom in terms of issues related to crime, employment, life expectancy and suicide. Is there anything Nunavut has going for it? YES! Nunavut ranks #1 in terms of gender equality in pay. In fact, if it were a country instead of a territory, Nunavut would be the #1 country in the world with a pay gap of only 2.2% (Belgium has that honor in actuality, with a 3.3% gap). And Nunavut's income is the second highest in Canada. So it looks like women are almost equal to men in opportunities here....including, alas, the opportunity to live in a frozen tundra wasteland.

12. Northwest Territory

This territory has a very small population, which doesn't necessarily mean that it's bad.  I mean... maybe it's all beautiful, stunning mountains and wilderness. Well yeah, it has some of that but it doesn't necessarily compete with some of the other territories/provinces. Also, it has the "Great Slave Lake." Yikes. Look, I know it's named after the "Slavey" first peoples (Yikes to that too). Maybe we could rename it Great Dené Lake or something. Great Athabaskan Lake?  You just gotta understand that even though that word has a completely different meaning and root of origin... well... you know.  I'm just saying that there are still connotations related to that word which mean you shouldn't use it even if (etymologically) the two words are unrelated. Quit being so niggardly with handing out new lake names, Canada.  But anyway, shouldn't I be using stats to back up this low ranking? Sure! NWT has he highest crime rate in Canada and is near the bottom in things like high school educations, gender equality, and life expectancy. Is is #1 in income though!

11. Newfoundland and Labrador

Pretty. But also probably pretty boring.

What can be said aboot Newfoundland and Labrador that hasn't been said... uhm... actually, I've never heard anyone talk about this place before. So never mind. No. Wait. Anthony Bourdain went there, right? I guess it looked sort of pretty on that. But that doesn't stop it from having the highest unemployment rates and the largest pay gap between men and women in all of Canada. Also, your chances of getting a college education there are pretty slim. In its other stats, it's not too impressive either... although on the good side, people's self-assessed mental health there is near the top and it has one  one of the smallest pay gaps between people of different races. I guess fishing makes people happy and sees no color. I assume they all fish here, right? Or... uhm... fight moose? I dunno.

9 and 10 (Tie). New Brunswick & Nova Scotia

I crunched all my numbers and these two came at a statistical tie. So then I decided that I would use some arbitrary factors about my preferences between these two Provinces to determine which one I would rank higher. Then I realized that I have no arbitrary preferences between these two places because I really don't care or know much about either of them.  If the local tourism board of either wants to give me a free trip to learn about and experience your beautiful culture, I'd be happy to elevate you to the higher position though. Maybe even knock a few others above down. I am 100% susceptible to bribery! Anyway, some random highlights about the two:

• These Provinces are pretty close in a lot of stats like land size, population, GDP, employment, crime, income, mental health and suicide rates. They're, like, totally twins.
• New Brunswick is the second best at getting people a basic high school education, but ranks dead last in income.
• Nova Scotia ranks #1 in terms of the lowest pay gap between people of different races (I was only able to find stats for Provinces on this one though, so the Territories were excluded).

8. Saskatchewan

Excuse me, do you have a moment to talk about Caribou Jesus?

Easily ranking #1 in terms of how fun it is to say its name, Saskatchewan (Saskatchewan! Saskatchewan! Saskatchewan!) is also #1 at graduating kids from high school and has super high self-reported mental health assessments (getting a rating of "A"). However, nobody will probably ever know much more about Saskatchewan than that, because this is totally Canada's "flyover prairieland." Nestled between Alberta and Manitoba (which themselves are already dangerously close to being flyover places), Saskatchewan doesn't even have an NHL team. What kind of Canadian province doesn't even get a pro hockey team?! I assume it's capital of Regina was named after the city's sole resident. Still, its name is cooler than any U.S. state name by far. Saskatchewan!

7. Prince Edward Island

Man. Edward. What a cool name! I wish I could give it extra points for this! Well, actually I can give it extra points since they're my rankings. But I won't. Prince Edward Island is, as the name implies, an island in the Gulf of St. Lawrence that is its own Province (but it also consists of a number of other, smaller islands too). It was named after King George III's fifth child, Edward (duh), who also was the father of Queen Victoria.  Being an island is pretty cool, I must admit. In terms of ranking, this guy only came up last place in land size... which was a fairly lowly weighed element of the ranks because who cares? PEE struggles with income and employment, but otherwise is doing pretty okay. It's got great racial equality stats and low suicide rates... so it seems like this place must be, overall, fairly cool.

6. Yukon

Yeah, I know. The company that makes these is from Ohio. Whatever.

In the raw crunching of numbers, Prince Edward Island and the Yukon Territory actually wound up at an exact statistic tie. You'd think I'd award a tie-breaker to PEE for being named Edward, but in this case my arbitrary tie-breaker was decided via my warm childhood memories of MECC's Oregon Trail Spinoff, The Yukon Trail. But on a more serious and historic note, the idea of the Klondike Gold Rush does stir up some sentimental feelings that give the Yukon an edge. Yukon has this gruff, rough pioneer image of whisky-drinkin' settlers like in the old west... except, ya now, that plus freezing cold. These days, Yukon ranks #1 in Canada in employment and is also pretty good at sending its residents off to college. It has the smallest population though. And violent crime rates? Well... I guess some things never changed from those old west days.

5. Manitoba

Manitoba, come to Winnipeg and... ermm... well, that's about it. Just Winnipeg. And polar bears. They definitely have polar bears here, at least in the northern part. Good thing Winnipeg is in the south. Overall, the stats for Manitoba are fairly above average, although it never really stands out in or excels at anything. I mean if you can't even keep your hockey team from thinking that freaking Arizona would be a better place to go then... ah, I digress!  The thing that Manitoba ranks pretty low at (although not the bottom) is the racial pay gap. I was about to make fun of the fact that the stat is meaningless because it's only White people here... but then I looked it up and saw that Winnipeg has over 58,000 Filipinos... so there goes that joke. But really, the real problem here is probably related to the indigenous people, what with Winnipeg being Canada's most racist city.  Also, it's too bad the Mosasaur population of Manitoba is down to 0 these day. 

4. Quebec

Poutine though! I can't stay angry at Quebec.

I really wanted to rank Quebec lower because, let's face it, who doesn't hate the French?  Ugh. These damn Québecois and their constant demands for independence and for promoting themselves as a "French" culture. Of course, actual French people look at these guys with their primitive version of French like they're some sort of French Renaissance Faire performance. Admittedly, Montreal is a pretty nice city and it's still Canada... meaning that even if Québecois are the most rude Canadians they're still politer than anyone from any other country. Quebec has a high GDP, high employment, great mental health, and other great stats in a large Province (3rd biggest) with a large population (2nd largest). Where do these Frenchies fail? They're second to last at college education and income. And they also have the biggest pay gap between racial groups of anywhere in Canada. Damn racist French!

3. Alberta

Home of Calgary and Edmonton, Alberta is in some ways the Texas of Canada. It's got a sort of a cowboy/rodeo attitude (Calgary Stampede, anyone?). Of course in other ways it is very much NOT Texas at all and is very much Canada (Calgary was the first major North American city to ever elect a Muslim mayor, because... you know... why waist time being a fearmongering, racist asshole like in the US?).  Alberta also gets a few bonus points for Lance Storm just because.  Look, it wound up at #3, so you can probably guess that the stats for this place are pretty good. Do I really need to go through them all again? The only thing it is struggling with appears to be gender equality, where it ranks second-to-last.

2. British Colombia

BC is the Westernmost Provence of Canada, and home to Vancouver. This is one of those cities on my bucket list that I need to get to, but still haven't. It's pretty much just North Seattle, and Seattle is awesome. You might have seen it on Da Vinci's Inquest. No? You obviously were not an avid follower of the Cloo/Sleuth TV network before it went out of business, I see. Well, you'd have seen Vancouver or other parts of BC on pretty much any other TV show as well, because Hollywood loves to fly up and use it as a fill-in for U.S. cities and locations all the time. It's a good think that flags aren't weighed as part of this ranking because HOLY CRAP, BC's flag is likely the most unattractive flag I have ever seen in my life. Jesus, that thing is ugly. Wow. I... I can't even. SO BUSY! Anyway, back to the point... BC is killing it. It has beautiful Pacific Ocean coastline, it's a large and diverse land, has a large and diverse population, great employment, low crime, great high school and college education, great health and life expectancy, and so on. It doesn't really suck at anything that I used in my stats.

1. Ontario

It was either this or a picture of a beaver.

It's sort of lame and predictable that Ontario (the Provence with the largest city of Toronto and the capital of Ottawa) came up as #1.  You'd think something would have brought this down a few notches. Take crime, for instance. Big cities bring high crime rates, right? So Ontario having cities like Toronto, Windsor, Ottawa, London, Niagara Falls, etc. should bring the crime rate for the Province up pretty high... right? NOPE! Ontario has the LOWEST crime rate in all of Canada. The other stats won't surprise you. Biggest population, highest GDP, most college educated, high employment, great mental health, low suicide rates, high life expectancy, yadda yadda yadda. Its one fault? That same pesky racial pay gap that also slammed Quebec. Which is a shame, because Toronto is the most ethnically diverse city in the world. Other than that, Ontario appears to be a damn happy dreamland. So go enjoy that awesome food in Toronto from its diverse (but underpaid) minority populations! Maybe tip them some extra.