Now, I shall rank the names of the ballparks of the 30 MLB Teams, because I have not ranked those yet. So I must. Because I must rank EVERYTHING. I guess I could rank the ballparks themselves for their quality, aestetic, etc. But that sounds pretty difficult. I'd rather just make fun of their names.
30. LoanDepot Park (Miami Marlins) - Let's be clear here. Miami is a terrible place for baseball and is the worst baseball team and the worst baseball park. The average attendance of Miami Marlins games is somewhere around 4 people. No wonder a scam company would but the rights to what used to be known as "Marlins Park," as the Marlins are a scam of an MLB baseball team.
29. Comerica Park (Detroit Tigers) - Speaking of lame companies, Comercia is apparently a company that exists. What is it? I have no idea and I'm not bothering to look it up. It seems like the answer to what ChatGPT would give you if you asked it to generate the most boring company name of all time. Comerica has owned the naming rights to this stadium since the late 90s and I still have never been bothered in 20+ years to care about the name of the stadium where the Tigers play.
28. American Family Field (Milwaukee Brewers) - Alphabetically first, but it comes in oh so close to last place. This baseball stadiym used to be named "Miller Park," which was cool. Because even though it's the name of a garbage beer, the concept of a beer corporation (Miller Brewing Company) buying the naming rights to a team named "Brewers" is awesome. "American Family" is an Insurance company, but it sounds more like the beginning of a rent state rant again WOKE LIBS. As horsepissey as Miller is, beer is much cooler than insurance. Especially in terms of a baseball stadium for a team literally named BREWERS. Now let's go on a lengthy and barely-related side story! (That's how this blog works, remember?) The first ever "World Series" happened 1884 when the Providence Grays of the National League (NL) battled the New York Metropolitans of the American Association (AA). The reason why there were two rival leagues is because the guy who ran the National League (Al Spalding... famous for the Athletic company "Nike"... no... just kidding... the company SPALDING, you gullible idiot), banned baseball games from being played on Sundays and banned alcoholic beverages from being sold in stadiums. Because of those draconian rules, the AA was established in 1882 and specifically allowed those things - Sunday baseball and booze. Because of that, the AA came to be known as the "Beer and Whiskey League." The AA eventually went out of business, but their spirit lives on. Two leagues fighting each other for the baseball championship literally exists because a rival league decided that baseball fans should get drunk at games while another league did not. What I'm getting at here is "American Family" is garbage. Long live Miller.
27. Guaranteed Rate Field (Chicago White Sox) - This place used to be known as U.S. Cellular Field. Only it wasn't. Oh yeah, U.S. Cellular paid for the naming rights, but this place will ALWAYS be known as Comiskey Park (or NEW Comiskey Park if you want to be anal about it).
26. Globe Life Field (Texas Rangers) - The Ballpark in Arlington opened up in the 1990s as part of the post-Camden Yards wave of new stadiums that were newm but felt old. Yet just like with the Atlanta Braves building a new stadium in the 90s and saying "screw it, now we want a NEW NEW stadium," the Texas Rangers abanoned a fairly new and modern ballpark for an even newer ballpark and got this one. Which has a terrible name for what I assume is an insurance company because like 90% of MLB parks are names after banks and insurance companies. Ugh.
25. Truist Park (Atlanta Braves) - Speaking of Atlanta abandoning new 1990s stadiums after a handfull of years for a new new stadium, the Braves abadoned the Ted Turner-named Turner Field even though it only opened up in when I was in high school (come on, it wasn't THAT long ago!). Now we get this stadium with a VERY BORING NAME. I think this is a bank, right? Ugh. Now that I think about it my mortgage is with Truist. I have a mortgage now? I'm old. Man, maybe the 90s WERE a long time ago.
24. Progressive Field (Cleveland Guardians) - Jacobs Field was an okay field name. It's been Progressive since 2008-ish and I don't care. At least name it Flo Field or something if you want to hype your garbage insurance.
23. PNC Park (Pittsburg Pirates) - I don't hate this park itself. This park certainly fits the Camden Yards-inspired "retro-classic" feel. But I'm ranking stadium names. And even though this stadium attempts to live up to the legacy of iconic Pittsburg Stadiums like Forbes and Three Rivers, its name is... yep.. another boring bank. Weird. It's like those guys got all the money or something.
22. Citizens Bank Park (Philadelphia Phillies) - Two Pennsylvanias in a row, and another boring bank name. My oh my has Philly fallen from the epic Baker Bowl days where they had the "The Phillies use Lifebuoy" sign on the wall, and a vandal added, "and they still stink" to it. Classic. "Citizens Bank" is not classic at all. More like SHITizens, huh? Hrm. Maybe I should keep the swearing down less the AI Google bot blocks this blog entry too.
21. Citi Field (New York Mets) - Citi Field will always be in the shadow of Flushing's famous Shea Stadium. But kudos to Citibank for being so arrogant about how famous they are that they can name the field "Citi" rather than "Citibank" because they think they are so notable that they can use a nickname rather than their full name. That takes some huevos. Something something John Rocker seven train.
20. Oracle Park (San Francisco Giants) - This SF Park has been known as Pacific Bell Park, SBC Park, and AT&T Park - based on the multiple times that the phone company changed names. Given how much of our lives we now spend on our Smart Phones, you'd think phone companies would still be in a position to dominate. But NOPE! This one now belongs to Oracle, which is some "technology" company that does... uhh... technology stuff? Flying cars? Sex robots? Nope. It's never the tech that anyone actually wants.
19. T-Mobile Park (Seattle Mariners) - We all remember that the Kingdome was a crap stadium that was falling apart and killing fans. Everyone knew it needed to be replaced. What was it replaced with? Safeco Field. Only Safeco Field is now known as T-Mobile Park. Okay. Whatever. So I guess stadiums ARE still named after phone companies. Only they are names after boring ones. No wait. is T-Mobile the one that uses Ben Barnes in their commercials? So dreamy. I love you, Prince Caspian.
18. Rogers Centre (Toronto Blue Jays) - This is the SkyDome. You can call it whatever you want, but everyone knows this is the SkyDome. It was pretty cutting edge in the 80s, but then again so was "Who's the Boss?" After Camden opened up a few years later, it already seemed like an outdated concrete behemouth.
17. Chase Field (Arizona Diamondbacks) - Another bank, but at least "chasing" people sounds like a cool thing where you run down a guy who tried to steal a base and got caught. Let's just pretend it's named after the verb and not a bank. You can't chase Rickey Henderson though. You have no chance of catching him.
16. Great American Ball Park (Cincinatti Reds) - While "American Family Field" isn't too different than "Great American," at least this name makes me think of GREAT AMERICAN things like apple pie, gun violence, and... well... baseball! It feels like a nostalgic name for the ye olde times of baseball without being too much branding in your face like a Kirk Cameron movie with that "family" nonsense. It's no Crossley Field or Riverfront, but it's not a terrible name. That's why it's here in the middle of the pack at 16.
15. Kauffman Stadium (Kansas City Royals) - In a ranking of 30 teams, Kauffman Stadium belongs in the exact middle at 30. It's not named after a company - instead it's named after the first owner of the Royals: Ewing Kauffman. And it's been named that FOREVER. The naming rights haven't been sold. Why? Probably because the Royals are so boring and mid that they can can't get anyone to buy naming rights. Still, back in the old days stadiums were named after owners like Comesky and Connie Mack, so this sort of feels refreshing and classic, even if boring. Hey... do they still have that waterfall feature here? I honestly haven't watched a Royals game in like two decades.
14. Nationals Park (Washington Nationals) - Similar to Kaufmann, I feel like Nationals Park retains is name not due to a dislike of selling out to a company, but more due to not being to get a sweet enough corporation contract to get stadium naming rights. Which is strange. The Nationals won a World Series in 2019. You'd figure SOMEONE would pay stadium naming rights after that. I guess not. It is in Washintgon DC... soooo... Defense contractor? Call me, Lockheed. I have some notes.
13. Minute Maid Park (Houston Astros) - The Astros should just embrace it and rename this place "Rubbermaid Field." You know, because the trash cans. *ahem* Anyway, the Astros used to have a stadium named after them (AstroDome) and a type of fake grass named after them (Astro Turf). Now they play in a stadium which is the SECOND stadium named after an Orange Juice company. You know, ever since that whole Enron scandal thing ended this being Enron Field. Speaking of which...
12. Tropicana Field (Tampa Bay Rays) - ...Just because you're the FIRST team who gets a stadium named after orage juice doesn't mean you're that much better than the second one.
11. Petco Park (San Diego Padres) - I guess naming a ballpark afeter this second rate pet score is okay. That's right, I'm team Petsmart!
10. Angel Stadium (Los Angeles Angels) - Sort of like Nationals Park, this "the stadium is named after the team" feels less like a choiced to avoid capitalism and more like a "we're not a good enough team for a company to pay money for stadium naming rights. If you can't make a good enough team with Mike Trout AND Shohei Ohtani then it's definately a YOU problem, Angels. I guess this park has had this boring name for much longer than the Nats, so that's worth a few places in the rankings.
9. Target Field (Minnesota Twins) - Another company name, but at least they can put a "target" on a wall for people to hit, right? I assume they must have that gimmick there. And Target is actually closely associated with Minnesota, so I can associated this branding with the Twins. Target is the second most famous thing from the state after Prince.
8. Yankee Stadium (New York Yankees) - At this point, the place where the Yankees play will ALWAYS be Yankee Stadium. They could never sell naming rights. They can demolish and build a new stadium, and it will always be called Yankees Stadium. This is sort of boring, but also sort of endearing. Anyway, Yankees suck!
7. Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum (Oakland Athletics) - Honestly, not a great name, but you got to respect it by this point. Unlike other teams that you'd assume couldn't sell stadium rights, the Althetics are a team that has one of the deepest legacies in baseball history going back to Philadelphia. This is the team of Connie Mack, Jimmy Foxx, Mark McGwire before the roids, and Rickey Henderson. Congrats for them keeping this boring stadium name to harkens back to the mid-20th century era when they moved out to Oakland. I guess this will all be a moot point when they move to Las Vegas, huh? So it goes.
6. Coors Field (Colorado Rockies) - Named your stadium after a beer company? Per previous discussion at #28: That works for me. Also, per #9... closely associated with the state. Good job, Rockies. Now try to make your team less bad.
5. Dodger Stadium (Los Angeles Dodgers) - Is naming your stadium after your team boring? If you're a bad team, sure. But this is THE DODGERS we're talking about. If any team gets to be like the Yankees and say "we are too famous of a team for any company name to be more famous than our own name," then the Dodgers are that team.
4. Busch Stadium (St. Louis Cardinals) - Another stadium named after a beer company, and again it at least has historic ties as a local company and goes back. A pat on the back to the Cardinals for this. Busch and Bud beer might be garbage, but I respect keeping this stadium name.
3. Fenway Park (Boston Red Sox) - This baseball park has had this name for over 100 years and there is some dispute over whether it's named after the neighborgood its in, or a realty company that was connected to the owner. Either way, this name has had staying power. This park is a national landmark. It should honestly be designated by the federal government as such.
2. Oriole Park at Camden Yards (Baltimore Orioles) - Camden Yards is such an amazing stadium concept and stadium name. It ushered in the era of retro-classic stadiums, and yet all of the other retro-classics that came after it feel like a pale imitation to its greatness. It's not named after a company - but a concept. The concept of a ye olde part of Baltimore that had antiquated warehouses and rail facilities from 100 years before. Then they encorporated those into the stadium. It's nice. How nice? #2 nice.
1. Wrigley Field (Chicago Cubs) - How can you question a classic? Yes, Fenway might be slightly older than Wrigley, but we're ranking NAMES here. And Wrigley is obviously accociated with gum. And gum is associated with coming in packs of baseball cards. And baseball cards are associated with... well.... baseball. Moreso than the ivy-covered walls of Wrigley being a historic baseball site, it's just a great name that feels like it should be the name of a baseball stadium from the days or yore. Which, you know, it actually is.
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