How many spoOoOoky ghosts should I rank? How about 13? Because 13 is spoOoOoky too, right? *sigh* Look, you and I both wish I had a better idea for this Halloween.
13. Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde – The ghosts from Pac-Man. But not that SPOOKY, are they? Yeah, so while iconic… not so Spooky. I mean they do kill Pac-Man a lot in their Saw film franchise-like death maze of pellets and fruit, which is pretty brutal when you think about it.
12. Patrick Swayze – I don’t mean this in a douchey way since he’s dead now (RIP), but… you know… he was in the film “Ghost” where he was THE ghost. I guess technically the name of this entry should be “Sam Wheat,” since that was the name of Patrick Swayze’s character. But you know exactly what I meant when I said Patrick Swayze. And you thought of that pottery scene, didn’t you? Did it give you a boner? Did you lose the boner when you thought of Whoopi Goldberg? Anyway, not very spooky either. Very handsome.
11. Casper – Not that spooky at all. But still really messed up when you think about the fact that Casper is very childlike and is thus a DEAD CHILD. Okay, so a little spooky.
10. The Flying Dutchman – Despite “man” being in the name, this isn’t even a ghost of a person. It’s a ghost of a SHIP. WTF?! How do you even have a ghost ship? Theologically this makes no sense unless all ships are living beings with souls. Actually, how do any inanimate objects like ghost clothes work? Should all ghosts be naked? Man, I don’t like thinking about this anymore. Anyway, this one shouldn’t be so spooky. Just keep away from the water.
9. Ghosts of Christmas Past / Present / Future – From Charles Dickens, the author who is famously terrible and makes sure that all his stories are resolved by total coincidence and happenstance rather than by sound or witty storytelling. I guess combined these three are supposed to make you live a better life and have a change of heart before it’s too late? They can also make you time travel with them. I guess all and all, pretty cool ghosts. Not super spooky though. I mean they might rattle some chains a little bit or something, but that’s all. Nothing to fear other than having to sit through a stern quasi-anti-Capitalist lesson.
8. Hamlet (Senior) – The Shakespeare play Hamlet is about Prince Hamlet, but he was son to the murdered King Hamlet. Who is dead by the time the play begins. But appears in it. Because ghost. Yep. That’s a pretty famous ghost! Is he SPOOKY? I mean… eh… not really.
7. Slimer – WTF is Slimer anyway? He’s obviously a ghost because he’s in Ghostbusters and the Ghostbusters catch him and what they do is catch ghosts (the clue is in the name). But no other ghosts look like him. Is this a ghost of a person? Slimer isn’t explained very well. This is also the required part where people of my generation have to mention Hi-C Ecto Cooler. So I just did.
6. Beetlejuice – I wasn’t quite sure what Beetlejuice was. I was thinking he was more “demon,” but after a little more research I have been assured he is a “trickster and mischievous ghost.” Which I guess checks out because Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis also die and become ghosts in this movie, so I guess it’s just a big ghost party. I guess at times he’s a little “spooky,” but he definitely weighs more on the “trickster” side than “spooky” side. He’s really more of a MAGICAL DOUCHEBAG.
5. Bloody Mary – A ghost who appears in a mirror when you say her name. Versions of the story have varied over time towards being a pretty peaceful lady that just shows up to say “Hello, I’m dead,” to being a malignant and scary demon who wants to really make you want to break all mirrors and reflective objects so that she doesn’t come out and kill you. So yeah, I guess she COULD be pretty spooky depending on what version of her you get.
4. The Headless Horseman – Like Beetlejuice, I had questions about this one being only SORT OF a ghost. As with Bloody Mary, depending on the version of the story, this can be a ghost, a “demonic fairy,” or even just a guy in a costume pretending to be a ghost or demon. In Washington Irving’s most famous version of the story, “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow,” the reveal at the end strongly implies that nothing supernatural happened, and that a romantic rival of Ichabod Crane has merely pretended to be the spirit to kill Ichabod and take his woman. Most adaptions of the Irving play (including Disney’s cartoon version and the Sleepy Hollow movie) ignore that because leaning hard onto the “ghost” thing is much cooler. If the Headless Horseman is indeed a ghost instead of a demon, fairy, or dude in a costume… then yes… SPOOKY AF!
3. Beloved – The ghost of the daughter of an escaped slave, Sethe, who she decided she would have to kill rather than force her to live in slavery and suffer the trauma like she had to. Beloved then haunts the house where they live. Wow. This is so dark and depressing. Way to bring the mood down when we were supposed to be talking about fun Casper Halloween stuff. Murdered slave children. Spooky AND depressing. I only have myself to blame.
2. The Grady Twins (The Shining) – Yeah, big nope on these two ghost girls from the mind of Steven King. Nope nope nope NOPE.
1. Sadako Yamamura (Ringu aka The Ring) – The central character in the Japanese horror franchise and it’s American remake. Ya know, the vengeful ghost who crawls out of your TV screen to kill you. Way to understand the form of the media you are creating to make it even more shit-scaringly terrifying, which is another term for SpoOoOoky.
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