In 1086, King William the Conqueror (#6 Best Monarch of England) sat down and had a conversation that I assume was like:
Well, the book is searchable and online now. And do you know what I found out when I looked through it? FANTASTIC NAMES. Sometimes they are funny only in hindsight. Sometimes they are funny because it appears that the census/survey taker is being super lazy. And sometimes they are funny because it seems like the townspeople who were being surveyed must have just been fucking with the surveyors.
Here is the absolute worst name in the Domesday Book, as well as the top 40 BEST NAMES.
*LAST PLACE* Adulf - Yeah, sorry. This name had a good run for probably about 1500 years. It was a perfectly fine and saintly name back then. How big of an asshole do you have to be so that you just RUIN a name that's been used for two millennia so bad that it can never be used again? Pretty bad, is the answer. Stalin was an asshole too, but there are still plenty of Josephs out there.
40. Klak - I just find it funny that there was a time when you could name a guy "Klak." Sir Klak of Linconshire!!!
39. Wintrehard - This sounds like something you do to your tires in the fall. Oh. This is about English people? Excuse me, I mean "tyres."
38. Pipe - Yeah, this guy is named Pipe. Pipe the Lord of Winscombe.
37. Sweet - You know what else is sweet? This name, that's what.
36. Walkhere - Or walk there. Walk wherever you want.
35. Alric Wintermilk - A little funnier than Wintrehard. What exactly is Wintermilk?
34. Ralph Passwater - I assume this guy peed a lot and so all his friends gave him this nickname.
33. Payne of Compton - Is this a person or is this the name of a failed MC Ren solo album that came out after N.W.A disbanded in '91?
32. Ralph Crooked Hands - Yeah, so this dude had a hand injury. Way to just completely define his existence by that one disability, so that all anyone will ever know about him 1000 years later is that.
31. Beowulf - Apparently, one poor motherfucker was actually named this. I bet they made fun of him.
30. King Edward - There is nothing particularly funny about this name in itself. I'm ranking this because I find it moderately amusing that when King William sent people around to figure out all the property that people owned under the reign of King Edward for tax purposes they were like, "Uh, do we also have to list the property that the King himself owned?" They apparently answered this question with a "Yes," just in case King William wanted to, I dunno, tax himself or something? I assume that anything Edward owned went to William, right? Conqueror's prerogative!
29. Godfrey Scullion - A scullion is basically the lowest ranking person in a kitchen and also came to be a generic term for people of the lowest class. So was this dude the lowest of the low? A filthy kitchen beggar? Nope, he was Lord and Tenant-in-Chief of Herston.
28. Roger Bigot - Bigot, wow. That's a pretty messed up name. Although in fairness, it's probably one of those "it depends how you translate it" issues. This guy was a notable enough Lord to have a Wikipedia article about him, and there they spell it "Bigod." One of his descendants is the Bigot character in Shakespeare's King John play. Fun fact?
27. Mylnugrim - This is just a funny name. Why aren't we still naming kids Mylnugrim?
26. Girls, two - So I guess here the survey takers found two girls and tried to figure out who they were, but then just gave up and wrote down in their notes, "Two Girls," and decided that their property had a taxable value 0.7 geld units. The real question is if the girls also had one cup.
25. Hwelp - I have no idea what this is. Is it a name or is an onomatopoeia of the sound a whip makes?
24. Snot - Yep, so this guy is named "Snot." And I thought that the "Puke and Snot" act at the Renaissance Fair had stupid, unbelievable names. I stand corrected.
23. Fish - "Hi there everybody, my name is Fish. Nope. Not a nickname. I'm Fish." It was either that, or the tax collectors decided that a herring owned land.
22. Abba - Abba may be listed in the Domeday Book as a Male, but we all know he was a dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen.
21. Frodo - I mean this shouldn't be funny, but it is. We all know that when authors are creating their High Fantasy novels that they steal from medieval European names that sound old and fancy. Still though. Frodo.
20. Siward the Fat (See also Hugh the Large) - Guys who must have so annoyed the Domesday census takers that they were just written down as fatasses in the official books.
19. William the Gross - Gross probably also means "fat," but I'd like to think that there were two Williams in the town of Chawston, Bedfordshire and everyone just hated this one because he was the William that farted and ate his boogers.
18. Judicael the Falconer - Surprisingly not the name of a hipster band, but I'm sure it will be soon.
17. Azelina, wife of Ralph Tallboys (See also: Ivo Tallboys & Ralph Tallboys' daughter) - I don't know much about the lives of Ralph and Ivo Tallboys, but I assume they must have spent their times as English lords sitting on their castle front porches, wearing wife-beaters, and sipping on 24oz cans of Schlitz.
16. Pigman, One - My brain tells me that this is probably referring to some farmer that raised hogs. But my heart tells me that this was a half-man, half-pig.
15. Hugh the Ass - What the fuck did Hugh do to the census takers to get them to just straight up call him an ass? I guess Hugh knew these guys were around to collect taxes and was pretty confrontational.
14. Smelt the Priest - This seems less like a person's name and more like an order handed down, commanding knights to extract precious metals from a clergyman by a process involving heating and melting him.
13. Morcar the Priest of Luton - Holy shit, I have no idea how to play Dungeons and Dragons, but if I ever do I already have my character's name. This is it, people.
12. Priest, One-Half - Holy fuck! What happened here? So the Domesday survey people came to the town of Middleton in Suffolk and found... what?... half of a priest laying on the ground? Was he sliced in half? And they still put him in the book! Is this what happened to Smelt when they were done with him?
11. Skeet - Yep, I love it. Skeet. Skeet the Motherfucking Lord of Dersingham, Edgefield, Overstrand, Binham, Wells Next to the Sea, Sloley, and Worstead. Looks like he lost all his Lordships after 1066 though. I guess poor Skeet picked the wrong side.
10. Cripple, One - Well, this is pretty messed up. These survey guys were just rude.
9. Robert the Bastard - I know that this simply means that Robert was born out of wedlock, but it seems a bit harsh that they call him out like that.
8. Croc the Hunter - That's right, kiddos. Steve Irwin was indeed counted in the Domesday survey of 1085-1086. RIP Steve.
7. Another Godric (See also several other "Another X"es) - Godric is a pretty common name in the Domesday Book. There are tons of Godrics. After a while the survey takers were like, "FUCK! Another Godric?!" Then they just wrote down "Another Godric."
6. Free Men, Eight and Four Halves - Four halves? Four halves? Don't these survey-takers know how fractions work? That's two. They found eight men and an additional two men in Cretingham. This should say "Free Men, Ten."
5. God - So, I'm pretty sure this is how this went down:
4. Someone - So this time the surveyors got really, really, REALLY lazy. They reached the town. They saw someone. And so they wrote down, "Someone."
3. Robert the Lascivious (Robert the Pervert) - So this online version of the Domesday Book translates the Latin writing into English as "Lascivious," being defined in the modern day as "feeling or revealing an overt and often offensive sexual desire." But several other sources seem to translate this as "Robert the Pervert." So, yeah. That's quite the legacy you've left for yourself, Rob.
2. Roger God-Save-Ladies - So this hilarious dickwad just was like, "Yeah, God save the ladies when I'm around. If you know what I mean! Hahahaha! Write that down!"
1. Humphrey Goldenbollocks
Yes, here we have the winner. Humphrey GoldenBalls. They asked him what his name was. This probably happened inside of a pub. He told them that everyone called him Golden Balls. Everyone around the pub laughed. The surveyor was like "Are you messing with me?" And Humphrey was like, "No, no! I swear! That's my name! Everyone calls me that. Right everyone?!" And while holding back their giggling, all the other guys at the pub tried to put on their most sincere face and agreed that this guy was, indeed, named "Goldenballs." Thus a millennium later, we know nothing about this man other than he got away with telling this surveyor that he was famed for his gold-covered nutsack. Yet despite knowing so little about him, this man should indeed be considered a legend! I salute you, Goldenballs!
William: You know what? I'm a king, and taxing the people is my primary source of income. Is there any better way to do that? I feel like I don't know who everyone is and what everyone owns, so I may not be taxing everyone right.And thus, we now have a pretty stunningly accurate description of the taxes, property, and residents of 11th century England that has survived to this day via something now called "the Domesday Book."
Advisor: Well, your majesty, I'd assume one good way to do that is to figure out what taxes were owed during the reign of your predecessor, King Edward the Confessor. That will allow you to reassert your rights of the Crown and assess where power lay after the wholesale redistribution of land following your conquest.
William: Great. How exactly do I do that?
Advisor: Well, I suggest you send surveyors throughout the Kingdom. They will go to every town and village and figure out all of the residents who live there. They will learn about all the land and property.
William: And then I can tax all of it?
Advisor: Yep.
William: SO LET IT BE DONE!
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| Well, this is unreadable. But whatever. |
Here is the absolute worst name in the Domesday Book, as well as the top 40 BEST NAMES.
*LAST PLACE* Adulf - Yeah, sorry. This name had a good run for probably about 1500 years. It was a perfectly fine and saintly name back then. How big of an asshole do you have to be so that you just RUIN a name that's been used for two millennia so bad that it can never be used again? Pretty bad, is the answer. Stalin was an asshole too, but there are still plenty of Josephs out there.
40. Klak - I just find it funny that there was a time when you could name a guy "Klak." Sir Klak of Linconshire!!!
39. Wintrehard - This sounds like something you do to your tires in the fall. Oh. This is about English people? Excuse me, I mean "tyres."
38. Pipe - Yeah, this guy is named Pipe. Pipe the Lord of Winscombe.
37. Sweet - You know what else is sweet? This name, that's what.
36. Walkhere - Or walk there. Walk wherever you want.
35. Alric Wintermilk - A little funnier than Wintrehard. What exactly is Wintermilk?
34. Ralph Passwater - I assume this guy peed a lot and so all his friends gave him this nickname.
33. Payne of Compton - Is this a person or is this the name of a failed MC Ren solo album that came out after N.W.A disbanded in '91?
32. Ralph Crooked Hands - Yeah, so this dude had a hand injury. Way to just completely define his existence by that one disability, so that all anyone will ever know about him 1000 years later is that.
31. Beowulf - Apparently, one poor motherfucker was actually named this. I bet they made fun of him.
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| Plus "Edward" is just a cool name. Am I right, or what? |
29. Godfrey Scullion - A scullion is basically the lowest ranking person in a kitchen and also came to be a generic term for people of the lowest class. So was this dude the lowest of the low? A filthy kitchen beggar? Nope, he was Lord and Tenant-in-Chief of Herston.
28. Roger Bigot - Bigot, wow. That's a pretty messed up name. Although in fairness, it's probably one of those "it depends how you translate it" issues. This guy was a notable enough Lord to have a Wikipedia article about him, and there they spell it "Bigod." One of his descendants is the Bigot character in Shakespeare's King John play. Fun fact?
27. Mylnugrim - This is just a funny name. Why aren't we still naming kids Mylnugrim?
26. Girls, two - So I guess here the survey takers found two girls and tried to figure out who they were, but then just gave up and wrote down in their notes, "Two Girls," and decided that their property had a taxable value 0.7 geld units. The real question is if the girls also had one cup.
25. Hwelp - I have no idea what this is. Is it a name or is an onomatopoeia of the sound a whip makes?
24. Snot - Yep, so this guy is named "Snot." And I thought that the "Puke and Snot" act at the Renaissance Fair had stupid, unbelievable names. I stand corrected.
23. Fish - "Hi there everybody, my name is Fish. Nope. Not a nickname. I'm Fish." It was either that, or the tax collectors decided that a herring owned land.
22. Abba - Abba may be listed in the Domeday Book as a Male, but we all know he was a dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen.
21. Frodo - I mean this shouldn't be funny, but it is. We all know that when authors are creating their High Fantasy novels that they steal from medieval European names that sound old and fancy. Still though. Frodo.
20. Siward the Fat (See also Hugh the Large) - Guys who must have so annoyed the Domesday census takers that they were just written down as fatasses in the official books.
19. William the Gross - Gross probably also means "fat," but I'd like to think that there were two Williams in the town of Chawston, Bedfordshire and everyone just hated this one because he was the William that farted and ate his boogers.
17. Azelina, wife of Ralph Tallboys (See also: Ivo Tallboys & Ralph Tallboys' daughter) - I don't know much about the lives of Ralph and Ivo Tallboys, but I assume they must have spent their times as English lords sitting on their castle front porches, wearing wife-beaters, and sipping on 24oz cans of Schlitz.
16. Pigman, One - My brain tells me that this is probably referring to some farmer that raised hogs. But my heart tells me that this was a half-man, half-pig.
15. Hugh the Ass - What the fuck did Hugh do to the census takers to get them to just straight up call him an ass? I guess Hugh knew these guys were around to collect taxes and was pretty confrontational.
14. Smelt the Priest - This seems less like a person's name and more like an order handed down, commanding knights to extract precious metals from a clergyman by a process involving heating and melting him.
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| Watch out for the Drows, Morcar! |
12. Priest, One-Half - Holy fuck! What happened here? So the Domesday survey people came to the town of Middleton in Suffolk and found... what?... half of a priest laying on the ground? Was he sliced in half? And they still put him in the book! Is this what happened to Smelt when they were done with him?
11. Skeet - Yep, I love it. Skeet. Skeet the Motherfucking Lord of Dersingham, Edgefield, Overstrand, Binham, Wells Next to the Sea, Sloley, and Worstead. Looks like he lost all his Lordships after 1066 though. I guess poor Skeet picked the wrong side.
10. Cripple, One - Well, this is pretty messed up. These survey guys were just rude.
9. Robert the Bastard - I know that this simply means that Robert was born out of wedlock, but it seems a bit harsh that they call him out like that.
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| Danger, danger, danger! |
7. Another Godric (See also several other "Another X"es) - Godric is a pretty common name in the Domesday Book. There are tons of Godrics. After a while the survey takers were like, "FUCK! Another Godric?!" Then they just wrote down "Another Godric."
6. Free Men, Eight and Four Halves - Four halves? Four halves? Don't these survey-takers know how fractions work? That's two. They found eight men and an additional two men in Cretingham. This should say "Free Men, Ten."
Surveyor: So, what's your name?
Some Dude: Uhhh... God?
Surveyor: *sigh* Really? Really?
"God:" Y-yes. Obey me, feeble mortal.
Surveyor: Oh, screw it. I don't have time for this. I need to get to the next town. I'm just going to write down "God." Have a good day, sir.
4. Someone - So this time the surveyors got really, really, REALLY lazy. They reached the town. They saw someone. And so they wrote down, "Someone."
3. Robert the Lascivious (Robert the Pervert) - So this online version of the Domesday Book translates the Latin writing into English as "Lascivious," being defined in the modern day as "feeling or revealing an overt and often offensive sexual desire." But several other sources seem to translate this as "Robert the Pervert." So, yeah. That's quite the legacy you've left for yourself, Rob.
2. Roger God-Save-Ladies - So this hilarious dickwad just was like, "Yeah, God save the ladies when I'm around. If you know what I mean! Hahahaha! Write that down!"
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| Basically, this. |
Yes, here we have the winner. Humphrey GoldenBalls. They asked him what his name was. This probably happened inside of a pub. He told them that everyone called him Golden Balls. Everyone around the pub laughed. The surveyor was like "Are you messing with me?" And Humphrey was like, "No, no! I swear! That's my name! Everyone calls me that. Right everyone?!" And while holding back their giggling, all the other guys at the pub tried to put on their most sincere face and agreed that this guy was, indeed, named "Goldenballs." Thus a millennium later, we know nothing about this man other than he got away with telling this surveyor that he was famed for his gold-covered nutsack. Yet despite knowing so little about him, this man should indeed be considered a legend! I salute you, Goldenballs!
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