Ed Ranks Titles of Nobility (By How Cool they Sound)

Honestly, crowns should be a thing we all get to wear.

So look, I can't name every sort of title from all over the world. So I apologize to all the Shahs, Samrats, Shieks, Kabakas, Atabegs, Junkers, and Khans out there. Fifteen seems like quite enough titles of nobility.

This is also, as noted, by how cool they sound. So while am "Emperor" is technically the highest... I mean... does the word "Emperor" really sound that cool? I guess you'll see soon!

15. Earl / Countess - Ugh. "Earl" is just the worst and only the English used it. Everyone else used the much cooler "Count." They didn't even bother to give female Earls a name. They just called them Countesses because it's so awesome. Earless would be awful because then everyone would say, "No m'am, I can quite clearly see that you have both ears."

See how stupid this looks?

14.  Dauphin / Dauphine - Why the hell is the heir apparent of the French throne named after this stupid, murderous sea mammal with a blowhole?  I'm not kidding. It's not just a coincidence that this title sounds like the English word "dolphin." It sounds like it because it's the same word. The Coat of arms of the Dauphin of France has two little dolphin logos in it, along with the fleur-de-lis. This is just silly. Imagine going around all day and everyone calls you a dolphin.

13. Elector / Electress - An Elector back in the Holy Roman Empire actually had a lot of power and influence. In many ways, they were sort of a king. But time has not held up the word "elector" as a super important title. What with democracy and all now, everyone gets to be an elector. So now you don't sound so special. Although to be honest, the feminine form of "Electress" sounds pretty cool. Like some comic book woman who can shoot out bolts. A lady version of Static Shock. Somebody call Zendaya now.

12. Caesar (Kaiser/Kaiserin, Tsar/Tsarina) - Honestly, Caesar and all it's forms are just named after some dude. There was a guy name Caeser. Everyone stabbed him. They named future emperors after him. It's sort of boring.

11. Knight/Dame - Being a Knight or Dame is cool, but it's not that cool. I know I said I wasn't ranking these according to the actual rank it entails, but this is the lowest rank of nobility. It's nobility lite. It's the sort of nobility that people are awarded as an honor for just living a long time. It's pretty much lost its associated with killing filthy Saracens on the battlefield.

10. Duke / Duchess - I actually don't like the term Duke that much. Or Duchess, for that matter. It's sort of blah. But then again as a University of Maryland graduate, I was taught to scream FUCK DUKE!!! And how weird is it that G.I. Joe had both a Duke and a Baroness? I thought this show was supposed to be about REAL AMERICAN heroes. Real Americans discard titles of nobility, Duke. We sort of fought a few wars over it. It's kind of our thing. Also, it's impossible to be the Duke of Earl, people. That makes no sense at all.

Yeah, yeah. We get it Napoleon. You're cool.

9. Emperor / Empress - I know that this is the most powerful title on the list, but I just think the term is sort of boring. Emperor. Emperor. Emperor. Saying it over and over, I just don't like the sound. Other than in Japan, nobody bothers to actually call their ruler an Emperor anymore these days. The original word it's based on, the Latin Imperator, sounds cooler and also has more of a "military leader" connotation to it that the term would eventually lose. Whatevs!

8.  Prince / Princess - Princes and Princesses don't really sound that powerful or competent. People dream of becoming these because they want to live a fairy-tale life. It disregards the fact that one day you might become the ruling monarch and actually have to become competent. When I think of a Prince, I think of some foppish dandy with frills who rides around on a horse and laughs. There are so many more cool terms than "Prince" out there that I'd rather be called to show off authority.

7. Baron / Baroness - Okay, the winner in these paired terms is obviously Baroness. Baroness just sounds so cool. I would love to be married to a Baroness. It just sounds like you're a boss. Baron by itself is just sort of meh and makes me think of the Red Baron from Peanuts or, you know, the pizza.

Ah, The Onion.

6. Archduke / Archduchess - I didn't think "Duke" was all that cool, but "Archduke" is an amazing title. See? That one little addition of "Arch" turned something kind of bland into something fabulous.

5. King / Queen - These words are universally associated with power and authority, so I guess they're pretty cool. But then again, they are also a little overplayed. Linguistically, you can tell it's some gruff old Anglo-Saxon word that got bastardized.

4. Viscount / Viscountess - Remember how adding "Arch" to Duke" made it cooler? The same doesn't apply to "Vis" and "Count." Does Vis work like Vice and it's like being Vice President? As in... this guy is less than a Count? A Count in training? I dunno. Just don't mess with Count, man. This title is super cool and everything, but not as cool as Count by itself.

3. Marquis / Marchioness - As horrible as "Dauphin" is as a French title, they more than make up for it with the title of Marquis.  Holy crap, it would be amazing if I could introduce myself to people as Marquis Ed.

2. Count / Countess - Count is just a cool term. I'd love to be a Count. In terms of rank, it means the same thing as Earl but Earl sounds stupid while Count sounds cool. Count Dracula. Count Orlok. The Count from Sesame Street. Countess Báthory, Count... uhhh... Chocula. Hrm. Damn. Are all Counts just vampires? No! Count Olaf! And then there is James Bond's wife Tracy, who was technically Contessa Teresa di Vicenzo. And in real life, all those old, cool French Counts. Richard I was Count of Poitiers, Anjou, Maine, and Nantes. Count is an awesome title, people.

1. Viceroy / Vicereine - I don't know why I like the title "Viceroy" so much, but I just do. It sounds so damn cool. I get that linguistically I should have the same problem with it that I do with Viscount (e.g. Vice meaning "in place of" and roy meaning "king/regent."). A viceroy isn't that super high ranking, all things considered. To a large part, it's just an administrative title. As in, "Hey, we need a competent person to rule the far-off territories in this vast empire in place of the king because the king is too busy being inbred and crazy." I don't think it's assumed the Viceroy's position will be hereditary and his or her kids will also get to be Viceroys. Still. Viceroy. Viceroy Ed. I like it!