Ed Ranks the Coats of Arms of Belligerents in the Hundred Years' War

The Hundred Years' War was a series of conflicts from 1337 (LEET? ZoMG!!!11!) to 1453. That makes it technically 116 years, but the "Hundred and Sixteen Years' War" doesn't sound as cool, does it now?

The war was mostly between England and what we now call France (although "France" as we know it only came into being as a result of the end of this war). So really it was a war between England's House of Plantagenet and France's House of Valois, along with people within France that took both sides, and other European powers who threw in with one side or the other. For simplicity though, let's just call the sides "England" and "France."

12. Crown of Aragon

• Side: France
• Coat of Arms Analysis: Boring, boring, boring. Just some lines. This isn't a national coat of arms, it's a beach towel.

 11. Duchy of Burgundy

• Side: Both! These dastardly little flip-floppers were FOR France between 1337 and 1419. Then they jumped to team England. Then guess what they did in 1435! They FLIPPED BACK to France again. 
• Coat of Arms Analysis: Sometimes a "busy" design can be interesting. But there is just too much going on here. This coat of arms needs fewer fleur-de-lis symbols and needs stripes of the same thickness. Doesn't the fact that the stripes don't match bother you? 

10. Avignon (Anti-)Papacy

• Side: France, because "the Pope" (now regarded as "Antipope" Clement VII) was French and living in Avignon. Don't ask, this is just ranking Coats of Arms. I'm not giving an entire history lesson about the Avignon Papacy, the Western Schism, and/or Papal involvement in the Despenser's Crusade.
• Coat of Arms Analysis: Red background, yellow keys, blue string. Simple, not terrible, but not high to rank enough above #10.

 9. The Papal States

• Side: England, see above. These were the Papal States loyal to Pope Urban VI and siding with England in the Despenser's Crusade, a subset of the Hundred Years' War.
• Coat of Arms Analysis: The same logo as above, but with a little umbrella thing in the middle (I'm not Catholic, so whatever), and also a cooler-looking shield logo like its some sort of Pope Police Badge! 

 8. Republic of Genoa

• Side: France
• Coat of Arms Analysis: A perfectly fine and simple coat of arms, but isn't this basically the symbol of England? Get a new coat of arms, Genoa! Or at least fight on the side of England if you're going to have their flag like this.

7. Kingdom of Portugal

• Side: England
• Coat of Arms Analysis: I like this coat of arms, I really do! It's sort of cool. All those castles and other things. Very interesting heraldry. However, the ones above it are better. A green fleur-de-lis is certainly interesting, and I'm not sure what those blue and white things are. Historians seems to disagree themselves, with a bunch of different theories. Nice castles though!

6. Crown of Castile

• Side: France
• Coat of Arms Analysis: Crowned lions and castles! Now that's good heraldry, Castile. You certainly know how to show those unimaginative bastards in Aragon how to make some good coats of arms.

5. Kingdom of England (House of Plantagenet)

 

• Side: England, because it is England!
• Coat of Arms Analysis: Slightly on the busy side, but the House of Plantagenet was making a point here. Of course they were putting the fleur-de-lis logos on their coat of arms. How could they not? England was trying to claim that France was simply another part of England. What better way to do that than to just use France's logo and make it part of your own.

4. Kingdom of Navarre

• Side: England
• Coat of Arms Analysis: A shield made of chains with an emerald in the middle? I'm not sure what it exactly means (I'm too lazy to look it up), but I LIKE IT! Good work, Navarre. Now we can definitely tell what political bodies in Iberia put some effort into their insignias and which just phoned it in.

3. Kingdom of France (House of Valois)

• Side: France, obviously. Because it's themselves.
• Coat of Arms Analysis: Pretty fucking classic, right? This should be France's flag now. Too many people doing that Red, White, and Blue shit.

2. Kingdom of Scotland

• Side: France, because they hate the English (as always) and formed the Franco-Scot alliance.
• Coat of Arms Analysis: Look at this lion, so pretty. Even with the blue tongue and claws. This is some good stuff, Scotland. Keep it up! Maybe you can use this Coat of Arms again the next time you're independent.

 1. Kingdom of Bohemia

• Side: France
• Coat of Arms Analysis: You glorious Czech motherfuckers did it again, didn't you? Look how perfect this coat of arms is! A crowned lion with some crazy-ass scimitar tongue and two tails! Now this is nice stuff here. If I grew a long hipster beard and became a craft brewer, this would be the logo for my Pilsner. And yes, I'll keep the lion dick on it. Oh, did you not notice the lion dick? It's on Scotland too.