Ed Ranks Girl Scout Cookies

A better pyramid than those lame ones in Egypt.

It's Girl Scout Cookie season! Let's rank them cookies! And before you say to me "What the hell, I've never heard of that one!" -  a quick disclaimer. There is not actually one company that makes Girl Scout Cookies, but two! They are ABC Bakers and Little Brownie Bakers. Sometimes they have different names for the same cookie, or the same name for different cookies, or simply only one of the two makes the cookie and it might not be available in your area. It's confusing. Just shut up and eat them and pretend it's for a good cause, rather than you just being a fat ass.

12. Shortbread / Trefoils - These two may go by different names, but they are the same thing. They are basis, shortbread cookies with nothing else. No chocolate. No peanut butter. No caramel. Nothing. Even someone who is really, really bad at baking could make these things at home. Why even bother with these?

11. Lemon-Ups - This one is new in 2020, and just from Little Brownie Bakers. So you'll be forgiven if you haven't heard of it. It's similar to Lemonades, but not quite the same cookie with a different name. They have "motivational" phrases put on them, so they're sort of like those Valentines heart candies, but in cookie form. Eh.

10. Lemonades - These are the older and more classic of the two lemon cookies, but it's still just a boring lemon-glazed cookie.

9. Thanks-a-Lot - A pretty basic shortbread cookie, but with one side dipped in fudge. Nothing too special about this.

These are okay.

8. Thin Mints - YES! CONTROVERSIAL CHOICE! Thin Mints all the way down here. Thin Mints are the quintessential Girl Scout Cookie, and by far the most popular (25% of all Girl Scout Cookies purchased are Thin Mints). They are also the only of the cookies which both companies use the exact same name. They are visibly a bit different though, as the ones from ABC are a bit more "polished" and clean looking, while the Little Brownie ones are a like more rugged and not exactly perfect circles. So why are they ranked so low? Because I'm not a huge fan of chocolate mint. It's not bad. It's just okay. And you don't have to wait until Girl Scout season to get these. These are also the exact same thing as Grasshopper cookies. There isn't much special about them. Sorry.

7. Toffee-tastic - These are pretty new and limited-edition, and only available from one of the two companies. So don't be surprised if you can't find them.  They have toffee, which is delicious.

6. Peanut Butter Sandwich / Do-si-dos - These ones are pretty popular too, and about 16% of all Girl Scout Cookies solid are these oatmeal cookies, sandwiched with peanut butter in the middle. There is nothing particular wrong with these, but there is a far superior peanut butter cookie option if you want some Girl Scout Cookies.

5. Girl Scout S'mores (Little Brownie Bakers Version) - Okay, this is the one that gets tricky. Both companies make cookies called "Girl Scout S'mores," but unlike Thin Mints that are only slightly different visually (and taste the same), the two companies have completely different recipes for their S'mores, and they look different too. In the Little Brownie version, the cookie is like a graham cracker cookie sandwich, with chocolate and marshmallow in the middle.


4. Girl Scout S'mores (ABC Bakers Version) - Similar to the above, but instead the ABC version of the cookie is a graham cracker cookie, with marshmallow on top, and then the entire thing is coated in chocolate on the outside. So the basic difference is that with Little Brownie, the graham cracker is the outside, and with ABC the chocolate is the outside. I'll admit that the Little Brownie version actually looks a lot more like an actual S'more, because the graham crackers are on the outside of a S'more. However, despite that version looking more like a S'more, I can never say no to a cookie that is totally dipped and covered in chocolate. Slight advantage to ABC.

3. Caramel Chocolate Chip - Only ABC makes these, which is crazy. This is your basic chocolate chip cookie, but also with caramel! It was only introduced last year in 2019. How did Girl Scout Cookies not have a basic chocolate chip cookie until 2019? Well, maybe it did in the past but was discontinued. I dunno. This one is also gluten free, if you're one of the 99 out of 100 people who claim to have a gluten allergy, but are really just a pretentious douchebag.

2. Peanut Butter Patties / Tagalongs - Tagalongs (as I call them, but elsewhere in the country they have the more boring name) are amazing. Crispy vanilla cookies, layered with peanut butter and completely covered with a chocolate. 13% of Girl Scout Cookies are sold, which is a shame! These are so much better than the Peanut Butter Sandwich / Do-si-dos. These are ALMOST the queen of Girl Scout Cookies. Almost.

1. Caramel deLites / Samoas - As with Tagalongs, I know these as Samoas because I grew up with the Little Brownie Bakers version. The other name seems weird, but okay. These are THE BEST. Vanilla cookies coated in caramel, sprinkled with toasted coconut, and striped with rows of chocolate. Vanilla. Chocolate. Caramel. Coconut. How can anything beat this? The caramel and coconut combo really makes these.