Ed Ranks Potential New Names for the Washington NFL Team

RIP Sean Taylor

Sometimes I try to be topical with my rankings, but as of late I have totally failed. Part of the reason why is that I pre-wrote a bunch of these a while ago, and simply had them auto-upload in the future. Another reason is that I've been lazy and barely writing them at all.  But hey, I'm writing and uploading this one the same day, so we might as well pretend that it's moderately topical.

The Washington Redskins announced that they were going to drop ("retire") their name, but that's all they have done. So far, they haven't said a new name. Which leaves me able to throw up 20 suggestions here. Most of them are not from me, but are names that have have bandied about by the press, blogs, the Twitters, etc. Many of them are very stupid. And who knows?  Maybe there will be a complete wild card out of left field (why am I using a baseball analogy for an NFL team?) and it will get some strange name that nobody predicted.

Anyway, here are the top 20, ranked:


20. Washington Anything Else Native American-Inspired - Many people are sort of missing the point and saying, "Ah, well, the team name itself is a racial slur, so that's the problem." They might suggest that re-naming them to something less slur-ey, but still evocative of Native Americans, is okay. For instance, keep the old arrow helmet and call them the "Arrows," or pic a specific tribe, etc. This really won't make anyone but a few idiots who don't understand why the name change is happening in the first place happy, will it? Also, just cutting the team name down to 'Skins will not be good enough, because everyone knows what it's short for.

19. Washington US Armed Forces That Have Been Systemically Infiltrated by White Nationalists - In many of the articles about the name change, people "inside" the organization have leaked that universally-hated douchenozzle owner Dan Snyder wants the new name to "support the military."  While people leaking this probably have ideas like "Warriors," "Generals," and "RedTails" in their minds(see below), if they want to be completely accurate, the new Washington team might as well go ahead and point out that the US military has been almost completely co-opted by white supremacists. While this is an accurate team name that reflects the current state of the US military, it is also a very poor team name that will not be chosen.

18. Washington Monuments - Just what we need, a goddamn pun based on a phallic symbol. That should go over well. Just imagine what the mascot would be. A big, pointy cock.

17. Washington Lincolns - This is stupid and makes no sense. Outsiders who are not from DC basically only know, "Durr... the President lives in DC! Let's name the team after a President!" Then, in a desperate attempt to try to find a President who wasn't a racist and/or didn't own slaves, they go, "Lincoln is pretty safe, right?" Lincoln is from Illinois though, so let Illinois keep him. Lincoln only lived in DC for a few years and got shot there, so it's probably not really his favorite city either. Oh, and also if you're specifically trying to name him after a president who wasn't racist, Lincoln is not your man either.

Presidents? You mean VAN BURENS!!!

16. Washington Presidents - Same as above, but this time accepting the fact that there is no actual President these days who is non-controversial enough to be name checked without someone objecting, so this meek suggestion simply promotes the idea of the President. Guess what, non-DC'ers, we don't really give a shit about the douchey outsiders who live here for a few years in a dumb, white house.


15. Washington Americans - How lazy is this bullshit name? People suggesting it are totally going through the minimal effort.

14. Washington Defenders - Co-opting the name of the recently aborted XFL Team that couldn't last two months is a silly idea, and you should feel silly for suggesting it. Plus wouldn't Dan Synder have to give Vince McMahon money? That's like robbing Stalin to pay Pol Pot. Yes. Vince McMahon is the Pol Pot of "sports."

13. Washington Renegades - Wait. Another XFL Team? People are just dumb when they make these suggestions. Plus "Renegades" definitely sounds like a team name that should belong in a B-league that nobody cares about.

12. Washington Pigskins - Because "pigskin" is a term meaning football. Har har. This supposed "joke" has been thrown around for years, and has never been particularly funny, nor is it a particularly good name. Usually by this point in ranking something, in the middle, the names go from "bad" to "okay," and then a little later down they actually get "good." That will not be the case here. You're about to see 20 bad suggestions, all ranging from "godawful" to "only moderately terrible."

11. Washington Federals - Again, this is a dumb name suggested by DC outsiders who understand nothing about DC's culture or people, and have a vague understanding that DC is the capital of the nation and where much of the Federal government is located. DC natives actually sort of resent and do not give a shit about all of that nonsense. Whenever people talk about "DC insiders" or "inside the Beltway" politics, the people being referred to are almost universally douchebag assholes who are not from inside the beltway. This name would do absoltely nothing to appeal to the local DC area fanbase. Even Federal govenment employees look at this name and are like "meh."

Healthcare? Nope! Have a team name instead!

10. Washington Veterans - Again, along the idea of the leaked word that they new team name will support the military, Washington Veterans has been tossed around. I mean, good sentiment and everything to support or veterans... but as a team name? Ah, well, both in the context of military veterans and "veterans" on an NFL team, the name indicates "old people." Just imagine all the lame jokes and puns that will be made about it by terrible ESPN sportscasters. This is especially bad when you remember that Dan Syner's MO for is entire reign in charge of the team has been to sign or trade for old, out-of-shape, past their prime veterans who were good years ago. When involving trades, that usually means Snyder traded young future stars or draft picks in order to get the has-beens. Overall, this would be a bad choice. Maybe instead of naming a football team after US military veterans, the US should instead, you know, provide veterans with some healthcare or something.

9. Washington Sentinels - While naming an NFL team after a fictional team in a Keanu Reeves film might sound hilarious, you might be surprised to learn that this is a very stupid idea. But then again, the NHL created a "Might Ducks" team after those movies, so common sense is not always at the forefronts of people's minds when naming teams.

8. Washington Senators - The "Sentinels" team name in The Replacements was almost certainly inspired by the real-life former Washington Senators team that existed in the MLB twice. And then left DC twice. The first time they left to become the Minnesota Twins, and the next time they left to become the Texas Rangers. Naming a team after a team that ditched your city to leave town TWICE is probably not the best idea, especially if you believe in cursed names.

7. Washington Generals - At a first glance, this name isn't all that terrible. It name checks the military, and is enough of a "soft pun" to refer to the fact that George Washington (for whom the city was named) was a General (General Washington - Washington Generals - get it?!) without being too direct. Several years ago, I even saw a mock-up logo of it which sort of looked like the old 'Skins logo, but replacing the face with an image of George Washington. Alas, for those of you that might remember - the Washington Generals also happens to be the name of a long-existing exhibition basketball team that regularly plays against, and loses to, the Harlem Globetrotters. Yes, "Washington Generals" specifically already exists as the name of a team which has a sole purpose to lose to another, better team. If you thought making fun of the team for having the name "Veterans" would be bad, just imagine all the hot take jokes about them being renamed for a team that is designed to lose. Although, again, for the Redskins, this actually might be the most apropos and accurate name.  And this isn't even mentioning that subtly name-checking George Washington would be re-naming the team after yet another dead slave owner.

Great. More effin' birds.

6. Washington Redhawks - We now begin a series of "Reds" all in a row. You'll see them. A lot, and I mean A LOT of the ideas for new team names are based on the idea of keeping the team name as "Red____." Why? Perhaps to try to save a little bit of the "history," or at the very least to keep the "Hail to the Red___" song going. There are far many suggestions than just the ones I include here, but of the Red____'s that I'm including, Redhawks has to be the worst. The last thing we need is another damn NFL team named after a stinking bird. Eagles. Falcons. Seahawks. Ravens. Cardinals. And the name Redhawks just screams "we are a college football team."  There was also a Sioux Chief named "Red Hawk," so that doesn't help the matter much either.

5. Washington Red Wolves - Another one of the Red___'s, moderately better than Redhawks, but still pretty meaningless. Apparently Kevin Durant came out saying that he liked it, if that matters. It doesn't. At least it's not a bird. The historical range of the red wolf species (canis rufus), actually includes the southeastern United States, and where Washington, DC actually is. Will you see any red wolves hanging around the area these days? Nope! They're basically extinct in the wild beyond a few places where they've been reintroduced. But then again, we've already learned that Washington's NFL franchise has no problem naming themselves after a native population that was totally massacred and forced out by white people.

4. Washington Red Tails - Again with the Red____, this time, the Red Tails would represent the Tuskegee Airmen, a group of African-American United States Army Air Forces servicemen during World War II. This would be a 180 from "let's fetishize an oppressed native population as warriors, many of whom object to the team name as a racial slur" to "let's honor a US minority group." Though the team would barely have to change their song and could claim a victory here, and does indeed "honor the military" as suggested, one major problem rests with the fact that the Red Tails themselves have absolutely NOTHING TO DO WITH DC. Would the Red Tails be a great team name for a team in Alabama? Yes. It would. But DC? I mean... there should at least be some connection, right? Although... then again... we do have the Utah Jazz, named after the Utah's famed role in the invention of jazz music, right?  I know, I know, the team moved from New Orleans. Still. If you're starting fresh with a new name, shouldn't having some local connection be important? Naming them the Red Tails would be perfectly okay, I suppose.

This seems like normal behavior and dress.

3. Washington Hogs (or Red Hogs, War Hogs, etc) - Those Redskins fans who choose not to play dress up as another culture often dress up as pigs and call themselves the "Hogettes," in reference to the "Hogs," the Redskins Offensive Line from the 1980s and early 1990s run by the late O-Line coach Joe Bugel. This is a nostalgic term for fans of the team, because this is the last time that the team was actually good and won Superbowls. And when it comes to a pig-related nickname, "Hogs" is infinitely better than the stupid "Pigskins." Some have suggested adding to the Hogs moniker, to make it the Red Hogs (fitting the mentioned Red____  theme) or the War Hogs. I'm not quite sure why the additional syllable is needed, but it is most likely suggested again to keep the "Hail to the Red___" thing going (or in the case of War Hogs, at least Hail to the War Hogs, which would still fit the rhythm of the song). The War Hogs idea might also fit with the "warrior" idea that the team claims it promotes, as well as the "saluting the military" check box that supposedly exists, while at the same time recognizing one of the only eras of the team that was actually good. This idea isn't the worst in the world. And as I'm typing it it's growing on me. Whatever. Maybe.

2. Washington Warriors - This is the one that everyone keeps talking about, and say will end up as the likely team name. Dan Snyder apparently tried to use the team name before for an Arena football team that never got up and running, it still evokes the same "warrior spirit" that the Redskins always claimed that their name represented, and the name also checks all the boxes as being dedicated to the troops, etc. "Warriors" has been used in the past for teams that also used Native American imagery in the past - the Golden State Warriors were once the Philadelphia Warriors, and used a racist Native American caricature as their logo, and then briefly used a Native American headdress as their logo when they moved to San Francisco in the 60's before quickly abandoning all connection to that imagery. Fortunately, the word "warrior" is generic enough so that it doesn't have to evoke any one culture. Some might still have a problem with this and argue that it's simply "secretly" referring to Native American warriors, but to me that's an argument too far. That's like saying that all consumption of beef needs to be banned by using the existence of Arbys as the only evidence. It's also alliterative! Washington Warriors! WW! Fun? Eh. Whatever. This is probably going to be the name picked anyway, according to all of the info leakers out there and speculators.

1. Washington Football Club (F.C.) - You know what, fuck it! Let's just go the way of international football (soccer) clubs by calling the Washington team Washington F.C. or F.C. Washington. The best name might be no name at all. "United" is another common name for teams which don't have names, though the DC United of MLS have already taken that moniker. Bold move, Cotton? I'm not sure. This can be like the years that Prince didn't have a name, and was such a symbol. Hell, Washington could just create some weird androgynous symbol too. They can be the "Outis" of the NFL. Whatever.