Ed Ranks the Side Effects of Lisinopril

I think this drug just called you a "HO."

According to this website, Lisinopril is the most prescribed medication in the United States (barely beating out Atorvastatin).  What is Lisinopril? Why, it's an ACE inhibitors, used to treat high blood pressure, which works by relaxing blood vessels so blood can flow more easily.

These are it's side effects (taken from the scary horror show that is WebMD), ranked. Not by how common they are or anything. Just from most awful to least awful. I'm sure some of these side effects are pretty rare. Or, I, like, hope so. Since I'm on it.

17. Trouble Breathing - This sounds really, really bad. 

16. Nausea / Vomiting that Doesn't Stop - If this was just nausea or vomiting, I guess I could accept that as a pretty normal side effect. But the side effect specifically said nausea or vomiting THAT DOES NOT STOP. Yikes.

15. Slow/Irregular Heartbeat - If I took medicine and it gave me a slow or irregular heart beat, I woudl freak the fuck out. I don't know about you. 

14. Itching or Swelling (especially of the face/tongue/throat) - Itching or swelling once again sound like pretty normal things. On an arm or foot or something. But swelling and itching of the tongue or throat? Holy crap. No thank you.

13. Stomach/Abdominal Pain - As someone who has had food poisoning, I know this is never fun. 

12. "Severe" Dizziness - I'm not sure how "severe" dizziness is different than normal dizziness, but dizziness is listed as a side effect twice, with the second time it being listed as "severe" and potentially as a symptom of a "serious allergic reaction."

11. Yellowing Eyes/Skin - Jaundice does not sound like a good side effect. It sounds like something you should get on the Oregon Trail.

10. Dark Urine - Whenever I have beets, I forget I had beets. Then I pee and I'm like "HOLY SHIT, I'M DYING! BLOOD PEE! BLOOD PEE!" Then I remember I had beets and I'm like, "oh wait, this is just beets." All is fine after. If I don't have beets and I see my pee come out all strange... now I'll know it could be the good ol' Lisinopril.

Hell yeah! CANDY!

9. Fainting - Honestly, I could actually go for a nice nap every once and a while! Although I suppose it's better to go to sleep in an actual bed rather than faint in the middle of the day from a bad reaction to a medication. 

8. Rash - No thanks. 

7. Change in the Amount of Urine - This side effect actually started out with the extremely scary-sounding "Kidney Problems." That sounds really bad. But I couldn't rank something so general. Eventually, it did offer up one example of what such a kidney problem could be, giving the example of a change in the amount of urine. All in all, that doesn't sound that bad.

6. Muscle Weakness - I mean I sort of feel like this all the time. Can I blame the drug? 

5. Headache - Yeah, headaches suck. But they are much better than, you know, trouble breathing and shit. 

4.  Dizziness - This is the very first side effect listed. Does that mean it is the most common? Maybe. At least it's no "severe" dizziness.

3. Lightheadedness - Also a beer side effect, and I have no problem prescribing myself that. 

2. Loss of Appetite - Side-effect? More like "awesome dieting routine!" Forget the Atkins and South Beach diets. The Lisinopril diet is where it's at.

1. Tiredness - Awesome side effect. People take drugs to specifically fall asleep, which is but a mere side effect of this. Of all side effects, "tiredness" is more like a bonus than anything else. Sleeping a few more hours will help pass the meaninglessness that is existence. Am I right?