Ed Ranks US Federal Holidays

Federal Holidays... how do they work? "Arbitrarily," is your answer. Why else as a country would we still have a day off for Christopher Columbus and not the super awesome Halloween? This is the definitive list of the 10 US Federal Holidays, by awesomeness.

...and then the murders began.

10. Columbus Day (Second Monday in October) - Like all Holidays, I appreciate having a day off. But barely anyone other than Federal Government workers get this day off.  I'm not saying get rid of it, I'm just saying let's kill the whole celebrating a genocidal Italio-Spaniard who spread conquest to Hispanola in 1492 and then beyond. There is a movement to rename it "Indigenous Peoples' Day," but isn't it still a bit of a shame to just give them Columbus day as a leftover, unwanted holiday rather than find some separate day.

9. Washington's Birthday (Third Monday in February) - You and everyone else calls this "President's Day," but according to the Federal Government, it's just "Washington's Birthday." Washington was born on Feb 22, so this is technically never correct because the Federal Holiday can only fall between February 15 and 21. FAIL. At least MLK Day is right sometimes. Plus, between October and January we just had, like, six other holidays. Can't we space these things out better?

8.  Labor Day (First Monday in September) - Is there a reason why we can't just do May Day like everyone else in the world?  Is there anything more ironic than the US Labor Day - a day where only Federal Government employees with reasonably high-paid and secure jobs are guaranteed a day off but the vast majority of regular non-government workers in the labor industry do NOT get off. That's right, laborers don't get off labor day. WTF?

Whatever.

7. New Year's Day (January 1, or closest Friday or Monday) - Big deal, a new year started. The only reason this day exists is to allow people a sick day from drinking all night. One more orbit of this ball around the sun. Yee-haw.

6. Birthday of Martin Luther King, Jr. (Third Monday in January) - You read that right, the Federal Government has that convoluted as "Birthday of..." beginning to the official name of this day rather than just calling it MLK Day, like it should be called. It even falls on his actual birthday (Jan 15) sometimes! We've entered the top 6 so it's not that bad, but I still have a spacing issue with this one. Too close to so many other holidays. When I get to March, April, June and August I really miss those days off since the Federal Government wasted all of them over winter. How about we move it to August for his March on Washington speech?

5. Veterans Day (November 11, or closest Friday or Monday) - Okay shit, don't get me wrong here. I love our Veterans. But we already have Memorial Day. Can't we merge the two together into the May dates and remember both those who served as well as those who served and fell? Again, this is mainly a spacing issue, I'd much rather have that awesome "unofficial first day of Summer" holiday in May than another holiday in November since we already have the big Turkey and Football Day.

Santa and his "servant." We all know
what that meant in the 19th Century.

4. Christmas (December 25, or closest Friday or Monday) - Meh, Christmas isn't that magical. It's okay, I mean. It's Federal counterpart is especially awkward though given both (a) its religious nature in a supposedly secular country that doesn't have Federal Holidays for other religions, and (b) the fact that it, like a few other holidays, sometimes falls on weekends but the Federal Government still gives you a day off for it. If Christmas is Saturday, then they give you Friday off, and if Christmas is Sunday they give you Monday. I truly appreciate the day off though!

3. Memorial Day (Last Monday in May) - Great holiday. Great meaning behind it and remembering the sacrifices of our troops, but also a much needed holiday after a crazy drought of no holidays after Washington's Birthday way back in February. Also... BBQ!  And Memorial Day is uniquely American too, unlike Veterans Day which is celebrated internationally as Armistice Day / Remembrance Day.


2. Thanksgiving (Fourth Thursday in November) - It seems like just once month ago we were having an awkwardly racist Holiday having to do with Native Americans getting screwed over - and here we go again! That being said, Thanksgiving Day has almost lost all of its original meaning and now simply stands for the true American values of overindulgence, football, and despising your family. It's what makes this nation so great.

1. Independence Day (July 4, or closest Friday or Monday) - Hells to the yeah! People who set off fireworks on New Years are wasting their time since this is the real fireworks day. The most American of all holidays is the best US Federal Holiday, bar none.

America! (note: picture possibly taken in Canada, who can tell?)