Ed Ranks Social Media By How Into It Emperor Caligula Would Be

Why did I stop ranking things for a few years?

Laziness?

Okay, yes.

But also I was simply running out of ideas. I’ve ranked a LOT of things and every time I thought of something, I looked back and said, “ah, I did that in 2017.”

One thing I most certainly have NOT done before? Rank a historical figure based on their hypothetical social media preferences.

So here we go!

Gaius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, aka “Caligula,” was the third Roman Emperor, ruling from 37 AD to 41 AD. Though some contemporary sources point to him being fairly normal, or at least starting out normal, many sources also him as a man who became increasingly self-indulgent, cruel, sadistic, extravagant, and sexually perverted.” The term “insane tyrant” is also thrown around a lot, and he also apparently demanded to be worshipped as a god. Oh yeah, and he tried to make his horse a consul (a chief magistrate of the Roman state, which by the time of emperors served in an administrative role to the ruler).  His eventual cause of death? Assassination. Which I suppose is the way that batshit insane sexual deviant rulers typically do go out.

He, of course, predated Social Media by 2000 years. But, like, what if he hadn’t? If Caligula was on social media – what would his jam be?  Let’s rank the options!

10. LinkedIn

First thing first, LinkedIn is barely even a “social media” page today, although it tries to be. I’m not saying that Caligula wouldn’t have a LinkedIn page for his official “administrative” or “work” purposes. But there is no way that he’d be the one updating it or looking at it. One of his consuls (maybe even his horse) would be assigned that task. This dude most likely spent his days gorging on grapes that slave girls hand-fed him while watching what must have been the equivalent of snuff films, so he’s not going to be paying much attention to his boring LinkedIn. Which is a shame. He could be using his professional connections to forge alliances, recruit advisors, and be more politically influential. But since he didn’t… so… you know… assassination.

9. X, Formerly Known as Twitter

Twitter famously had a 140-character limit, which made it good for short announcements or thoughts. Caligula would have probably had a guy in charge of this for him. Little quick announcements. Then that doubled to 280, which allowed for some longer statements, given that everyone was already misusing what the site was designed for and doing long-forming replies. That is probably when it would have jumped the shark for Caligula. And now? With the 4000-word limit for people who pay for whatever TwitterBlue is called these days? No way would Caligula be interested in this dumpster fire of a site. I know you can think he’d maybe be Trump-like and love Twitter, but he wouldn’t. No way would this man allow someone like a Musk to do all this crazy shit. He’d kill Musk and take the site for himself. And then forget about it.

8. Pinterest

Caligula might get around to half-paying attention to a collection of boards where he pins some of his favorite fashion trends (I mean it’s mostly different togas, right?), chariot designs, and architecture.  But the C-Dawg is more of a hedonistic, narcissistic sociopath and “pinning” other people’s content on some boards of things he likes for future reference and inspiration doesn’t seem much like his personality type. He wants to show off his stuff, not pin other people’s stuff.

7. MySpace

They had music back in ancient Rome. I know it’s a lie that Nero played the fiddle while Rome burned, since the fiddle wasn’t invented yet, but surely there were lutes and trumpets and shit, right? I’m sure there were cool imperial marching songs that Caligula might have put up on his MySpace. But what types of music do you think he’d be into? Is Caligula a glam rock guy? An emo guy? A techno music guy? I guess we’ll never know.

6. SnapChat

I don’t even know why SnapChat was a thing in the modern age, so I’m struggling to understand why Caligula would bother with it. I suppose the big innovation of SnapChat was the disappearing messages for secrecy. Which is why 15 year olds liked it so their parents couldn’t see who they were talking to. I don’t imagine Caligula cared or bothered much with the concept of “privacy.” He could basically do whatever he wanted. You know. Emperor and everything. Speaking of which…

5. Tinder

Sure, it would be fun to think of Caligula swiping right for hotties (boys, girls, horses, whatever) he was interested in, and swiping left to people he would relegate to the fighting pits. Yeah, he was a sexual deviant, so at first thought, a “hookup app” might sound like it’s right up his alley. But let’s be honest here, Caligula wouldn’t waste his time with a dating app to figure out who he was going to have sex with. He was the Emperor. He would just see someone on the street that he liked and would send in his imperial guards and… you know… that was that. He would probably have an account and everything, but on a day-to-day basis of hedonism he’d probably just have ladies (and again… boys… horses) brought to the imperial court before him so he could decide whether he’d have a go.

4. YouTube

I don’t really think of YouTube as “social media” per se like some of the other sites try to be, but it’s certainly full of “influencers” who have sites and try to get a following, so I suppose it is. I could certainly see Caligula having a brief stint as a “vlogger,” using the video format to show off his ostentatious wealth like an episode of Cribs. Show live videos of his insane banquets where he’s eating stuffed goose at a giant table and vomiting it all out after (yeah, yeah, I know the whole ‘vomitorium’ thing about Roman Emperors gorging and purging is a myth). Maybe showing off any imperial conquests. Caligula would be all about “showing off,” but I just don’t know if he’d keep up with the vlogging. So time intensive to make and edit those long-form videos. He’d get tired of it and move on to other options.

3. Facebook

I don’t think that Caligula would be that into Twitter, because I definitely get Facebook vibes from him. He wants to blast his decrees and rambling thoughts to the masses, and he’s not going to be stopped by any character limit. He’d be super political (you know, obviously promoting his own rule and policies) and would be always telling tedious, lengthy, unhinged stories (since he was batshit crazy). What I’m saying is that Caligula would essentially be using Facebook the exact same way your crazy uncle would be. Only if Caligula has ranting conspiracy theories about people wanting to assassinate him… well… he’s right.

2. TikTok / Vine

While YouTube would, in the end, be way too much work for Caligula – short form video would be fine with him. No, he wouldn’t be trying to “pioneer” (e.g. steal from Black people) any new dance moves or anything like today’s TikTok. But bite-sized clips are an easy way for Caligula to make imperial decrees and show off his extravagant wealth and power.  Long form video tends to show too much of the man behind the curtain, Wizard of Oz style. The quick TikToks or Vines allow him to show off his larger-than-life rule as the emperor and avoid additional context or a need to edit anything into a cohesive story. Caligula, like modern sociopaths, love TikTok.

1. Instagram

Even easier than doing videos is doing photos, and Intstragram allows the ability to do videos as well, so it’s sort of the best of both worlds. But the photos can be edited and manipulated. Maybe take a few pounds off any selfies, you know? Caligula is definitely gonna be a visual media guy. He doesn’t need video to flaunt his opulent lifestyle. His lavish marble palaces, banquets of food pouring out of literal cornucopias, his selfies at the chariot races and standing over the bodies of slaughtered gladiators… all of it is perfect for the Insta. And in addition to posting his own stuff, I can see him scrolling through the feed of any hot Roman girls (or boys… or horses) and hitting that “double tap” for “like.” And if he likes something you put up, you basically know you have to respond and/or show up to his palace door naked and ready.

So there you have it, folks. I’m CLEARLY not running out of ideas for things to rank.

Clearly.